My sons friend - What would you do?

[mammasita]

My son's 13 year old friend is running around the neighborhood at all hours of the night. Last night, my son comes to me at 9PM and says his friend has no where to go and pretty much gives me the puppy dog eyes to let him spend the night. I'm like WTF, where are his parents, do they know where he is, why aren't they coming to get him????!!!!!?!?!?!!?!?

 

In the past he's been "locked out" of his house or so he's told me and even then I've been like W.T.F.

 

From what I know he lives with his dad and step mom, brother, sister and half baby brother. His dad is military and is about to leave for Japan.

 

Its not like he runs around dirty and underfed......but I just don't get it. WTF? Mind my business? ****, I don't know. I know everyone is different and kids can make up stories and all I have control over is myself and my son but I don't want to ignore something if I can help. UGH.

[d0nnivain]

I would have brought the kid into your house & then called his parents telling them that the boy would be spending the night. I'd ask to come by to pick up his PJs & toothbrush then ask them what was going on. If I didn't like the response, I'd call child protective services. Something seems very wrong.

[mammasita]

I would have brought the kid into your house & then called his parents telling them that the boy would be spending the night. I'd ask to come by to pick up his PJs & toothbrush then ask them what was going on. If I didn't like the response, I'd call child protective services. Something seems very wrong.

 

I did let him spend the night but didn't insist on speaking with his parents. I spoke with him this morning before I left for work and asked him if he ran away - he said no, but I still feel like something is up.

 

He said they were picking him up today. If I see him when I get home and he's in the same clothes, I will definitely do something.

[CarrieT]

I would have brought the kid into your house & then called his parents telling them that the boy would be spending the night. I'd ask to come by to pick up his PJs & toothbrush then ask them what was going on. If I didn't like the response, I'd call child protective services. Something seems very wrong.

 

This. And if you don't know the parents well, call Child Protective Services.

[mammasita]

This. And if you don't know the parents well, call Child Protective Services.

 

I don't know them at all - have never even seen them, all I know is word of mouth from my son's friend and I take that with a grain of salt......but my gut has always told me something is up.

 

I've just always been torn because I know I would never do half the things to my son (i.e. eat dinner on the kitchen floor, not have a house key....) that I hear him talk about and I'm SUPER over protective and I don't want to project my own beliefs on other people.

[whichwayisup]

I did let him spend the night but didn't insist on speaking with his parents. I spoke with him this morning before I left for work and asked him if he ran away - he said no, but I still feel like something is up.

 

He said they were picking him up today. If I see him when I get home and he's in the same clothes, I will definitely do something.

 

talk to the kid in such a way that he might open up to you. Things are going on and he's acting out. He probably just needs an adult ear, a hug and be told things are going to be okay...

 

Make it clear to him he's welcome to sleepover once in a while but he must follow the house rules and be respectful of them. Let him know that running around late at night is not something you will put up with and for him not to drag your son out at that hour.

[preraph]

It's not that he's out that late, but he stories he's telling you, if there's any chance they're true, you need to call Child Protective Services. Chances are all they'll do is warn them and then they'll pay more attention to their kid. You can do it anonymously.

[Tayla]

My mother (like most back in the day) often had a housefull of kids. Neighbors, Kids who's homelife was less then tolerable. Thank good ness she never called child services. She was far better then that public debacle. Instead She would feed them, talk to them, and when the lights went out, she'd call the parents to let them know where their kids were. This saved from endless worry on the other parents part. Come morning, we'd have breakfast and lo and behold My mom would have coffee brewing for the wayward parents. They often thanked my mom for her kindness. She'd hear both sides of the story and still she made efforts to instill that families are important and should the kids need a place again, her door is open. This era maybe different. Somehow I would like to think we are our brothers keeper. and can move beyond the reporting the parents and instead heal the situation in an adult manner. Ohh and she was a single parent so that tells you how tight the money was and still she found ways to tend to one more mouth to feed. That kid may NOT be your problem but maybe you are an answer to some of his problems. Think about it before the WTF runs rampant.

[LuckyLady13]

Mammasita, this struck me so hard right in the heart and I'll tell you why. My parents were on drugs, dealing drugs and physically and mentally abusing me so bad. And mom found a game to play. Throw me out with no clothes or money, go to the police, lie to them and tell them I ran away just to know I'd be on the run and scared to go to the juvenile detention center. It was a control game to make me do things I should not have been doing. And one of those things was keep my mouth shut about all the drugs at home. This was her way to keep me scared and feeling threatened and know who was in control.

 

I, at times, stayed with friends just like your sons friend is doing right now! I was hiding from the cops. I was lonely, tired and starving. I wanted to hang out and relax in a teenagers bedroom like a normal kid and listen to music with friends. Luckily (?) other kids parents started seeing me bruised and beaten and noticed how timid I was around parents or any adults. The parents let me stay whenever I showed up.

 

Eventually, a friends mom fought for custody of me in court. And one morning while living at her house, I was sitting at the table before school and she offered me breakfast. I shook like a leaf and nearly cried because I didn't know if I should accept it or not. The way my parents were, if I accepted something from them, I owed them my soul and they felt they had just bought a reason to scream at me and abuse me. I honestly didn't know what to do but kept telling myself this lady is nice, she's not going to change personalities suddenly. I said thank you and she went off to work, I went to school and I owed her nothing. It was a life-changing morning for me. It's over 25 years later now and I can't forget it. That lady gave me breakfast out of the kindness of her heart and wanted nothing in return.

 

Now, kids lie their butts right off sometimes so I understand it's hard to figure out what is what here. And I couldn't tell you! You're going to have to use your best judgement. But you sound like such a good person to even just take a moment to question things and think about this at all. It was someone like you who probably saved me from potentially suicide...or accidentally being killed by my parents during a drug-induced rage. Or even getting killed on the street as a young girl out at midnight because mom was exerting her power over me again and terrifying me.

 

Consider this kid may be telling the truth and also consider that what you do know...just may be the tip of a jagged big iceberg.

[mammasita]

I feel SO SO terrible. I saw him again this morning wandering around in the same clothes claiming he had stayed the night at a girls house. I stopped and spoke with him for like 15 minutes before I came to work.

 

I asked for his fathers number (he said he didn't have it). I asked him where he lived now (said he moved) - he's living with his aunt and dad (dad and step mom split up). I asked him why nobody has come looking for him (said his brother keeps telling his dad he is ok). I asked him why he isn't going home (said he doesn't want to). I told him I was worried about him and would have to call someone (he said please don't).

 

I'm at a loss. I called social services this morning. Its been 3 days he's been in the same clothes with no shower and no real food - I fed him a real dinner last night. I really believe in my gut that his father either isn't in town or doesn't care.

Edited August 29, 2014 by mammasita

[beatcuff]

I feel SO SO terrible.

 

we have had this happen to us more than once. the last being 10 year asking to sleep over because his dad was just sent to prison and mom was an 'emotion wreck'. he stayed the weekend, but we did call mom. she was grateful.

 

what REALLY tough is we are teaching our children about compassion. AND where that crosses with reality.

 

i think you did the right thing by letting him stay. and by calling social services (we never had to): especially because he was so evasive about you contacting his guardian.

[CarrieT]

I'm glad you called Social Services. There is a bigger problem here than you are - or the child - can deal with. Let's hope the professionals can intercede.

[mammasita]

I'm glad you called Social Services. There is a bigger problem here than you are - or the child - can deal with. Let's hope the professionals can intercede.

 

Thanks for the reassurance. I feel so terrible that I had to make that call because of my mentality that things should be solved at the lowest level possible but you're right.....

 

.....and then again I've always felt like there was something off with their family.

[TAV]

You did the right thing, OP.

 

I called social services last year for one of my child's friends who was left alone whole weekends and confided that she had an 'uncle' living with them who was touching her in inappropriate places (unfortunately the attention-deprived child felt flattered).

 

Her problems were not solved miraculously but at least social services were aware of the added issue (the neglect was already reported by the school). I felt it was one of those defining moments where you put your money where you mouth is; in discussions I'm always the one to say I'd do whatever I can to help such a child and, now that I was presented with this situation, I did.

 

I think I'd have trouble sleeping at night if I had not.

 

Nothing else you could have done; we can't save all the children in the world but at least we can try to help them like we wish someone else would helps our own children.

[genuinelyloverly7]

Once in high school, I knew a girl that was staying with a friend was reported as missing from another state. I 'knew' her mom must have been worried sick, so I told the authorities at school. When I admitted to my friends family what I had done, they all yelled at me that I could have gotten the whole family ripped apart for trying to help a girl stay away from an abusive parent. Now I will never trust the system again, or what people say in regards to this.

 

I am sure that the child needs your love and attention. Give him all you can; go talk to the aunt or father (not alone) and see if you can do something with them for the boy. Even though the authorities are involved, you can still be there for him as a friendly person in his life. Invite him back to stay with your son as a friend (if your son still wants to hang out with him- if he doesn't then thats another post on how your showing compassion and all) and continue to be your awesome self with him. Show him that your not finished with him now that you've called the authorities. Know he can still trust you as a resource.

 

Good luck (unofficial foster mom of the heart- just one of those types of caring people)

[kindy14]

Yes, you are doing the right thing. Could be a lot of reasons, but definitely follow your gut instincts. We are all wired to recognize when there is danger, and something amiss.

 

Take him in though, let him know he's got a safe place to crash until things are straightened out. But definitely involve the authorities, even if you have to take the day off, and wait with him, help him through things. <<WAIT A SEC>> previous poster had a good point, if you exhaust those avenues he mentioned, then I'd probably involve the authorities.

 

One of my sons friends often had the same clothes on because laundry doesn't get done, and it was his last thing on. We (wife and I) knew they were poor, and it was probably true.

[Emerald_11]

I noticed a 9 year old boy who is in my daughters class & that lives near me was going home alone every day after school when I was walking my kids home. I invited him to hang out with us and play in our front yard (within sight of his house) until his "mom" got home. I later found out that she is not his mom & is his great aunt & also his foster parent. He was removed from his home about 6 years ago. Her schedule didn't allow her to be home in time to pick him up from school and daycare is expensive- also he feels like he is too old for daycare. so now he comes to our home for a while every afternoon.

I think you are right to be concerned about this boy who seems so lost. I think getting to know his family or at least know how to get ahold of them is important.

Sometimes it takes a village......Its great that you try to help out when you can. & you did the right thing to call & report it.

[firemanq]

One of our granddaughters had friends stay over on a regular basis. Then we found out that some of the kids had no real physical home. So they stayed for several days at different friends homes and rotated on a regular schedule. The visitors kept clothing at each house, and if they were out of clean clothes, borrowed from the friends they stayed with. Our local schools are now feeding breakfast, a snack before the children go home and are given a backpack of food for the weekend. A local church feeds enough children breakfast each school day, that we put in a commercial kitchen last summer. They have intention of starting lunches this year. Another church prepares dinner for families. Absolutely terrible that the richest country cannot keep the children fed at home.

[autumnnight]

Mammasita, this struck me so hard right in the heart and I'll tell you why. My parents were on drugs, dealing drugs and physically and mentally abusing me so bad. And mom found a game to play. Throw me out with no clothes or money, go to the police, lie to them and tell them I ran away just to know I'd be on the run and scared to go to the juvenile detention center. It was a control game to make me do things I should not have been doing. And one of those things was keep my mouth shut about all the drugs at home. This was her way to keep me scared and feeling threatened and know who was in control.

 

I, at times, stayed with friends just like your sons friend is doing right now! I was hiding from the cops. I was lonely, tired and starving. I wanted to hang out and relax in a teenagers bedroom like a normal kid and listen to music with friends. Luckily (?) other kids parents started seeing me bruised and beaten and noticed how timid I was around parents or any adults. The parents let me stay whenever I showed up.

 

Eventually, a friends mom fought for custody of me in court. And one morning while living at her house, I was sitting at the table before school and she offered me breakfast. I shook like a leaf and nearly cried because I didn't know if I should accept it or not. The way my parents were, if I accepted something from them, I owed them my soul and they felt they had just bought a reason to scream at me and abuse me. I honestly didn't know what to do but kept telling myself this lady is nice, she's not going to change personalities suddenly. I said thank you and she went off to work, I went to school and I owed her nothing. It was a life-changing morning for me. It's over 25 years later now and I can't forget it. That lady gave me breakfast out of the kindness of her heart and wanted nothing in return.

 

Now, kids lie their butts right off sometimes so I understand it's hard to figure out what is what here. And I couldn't tell you! You're going to have to use your best judgement. But you sound like such a good person to even just take a moment to question things and think about this at all. It was someone like you who probably saved me from potentially suicide...or accidentally being killed by my parents during a drug-induced rage. Or even getting killed on the street as a young girl out at midnight because mom was exerting her power over me again and terrifying me.

 

Consider this kid may be telling the truth and also consider that what you do know...just may be the tip of a jagged big iceberg.

 

And THIS is why calling CPS is almost always better than the making coffee route. Most people are not equipped to keep their drug dealing brother.