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Stepdaughter (15) could be lesbian


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Now bear in mind, the new husband and I have absolutely NO problems with the idea, but we are in a quandary on how to handle some basic boundaries...

 

It is now summer and this has involved many sleep overs for both her and her brother (12) with their friends.

 

She had a slight crush on a guy at the beginning of her freshman year of high school, but that was rather quickly squashed when he attached himself to one of her friends. It was all cool - they are all cool together.

 

Her group of friends are all involved with the Lesbian/Gay/Bi-Alliance club. She is the secretary of the club and her clique are all members and serve on the board. A male childhood friend has come out at 16 and is president of the club.

 

She and I have talked openly about one of her friends who is two grades older who is going on a date with a senior. Previously, we had had this girl over as a sleepover but that was before we knew that girl had come out. Our stepdaughter hasn't made any overt statements regarding her sexuality either way. She is on a fast-track to be Valedictorian and has stated she is much more interested in getting into a good college than dating.

 

But we also understand this is a time of budding sexuality and when I was driving her to her best friend's house for a sleepover, she made an off-hand comment about making out with her friend. This BFF actually has a boyfriend so I jokingly asked, "I thought Tessa was hetero with a boyfriend?" My stepdaughter responded, "Oh, I'll switch her." I was 90% sure she was joking.

 

She and I are very close and she gloats about her "cool stepmom" to her friends. We all get along very well but my husband and I are not sure if I should dig and ask or if ignorance is bliss. If she actually comes out to me, we have to re-think the sleepovers - however we don't want them having to sneak around also.

 

My husband has given her lots of gentle talks about not getting pregnant, not getting STDs, and not losing self-respect. As a family, we have fairly frank discussions about such things but we just aren't sure the best way to handle this discussion.

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Have you asked her if there's been someone she's had 'special feelings' for and, in general, how that went, focusing mainly on her? Personally, I'd leave the door open and simply observe. By and large the big parenting is done by that age and now it's a matter of small nudges and steady at the helm.

 

If she's lesbian or bi you'll sense the tension with various friends and can deal with those situations as they arise. If house rules dictate no sleepovers with present or potential lovers, then those are house rules. If not, not. In my generation it was common that even clearly 'coupled' people, though not married, were disallowed sleeping together at parent's homes. Times have changed. Perhaps it's a bit trickier to suss out with gay/lesbian/bi but not impossible. If it doesn't matter, then it doesn't matter.

 

One method of starting a dialogue would be to share your general views about love and sex and see where that goes, asking open ended questions. If you're the cool stepmom SD brags about, perhaps that will spark a meaningful discussion. Even if not, perhaps it will give her some food for thought and she can walk through the door later.

 

Good luck!

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Smilecharmer

You sound like a very cool and open stepmom. I would just be observant and keep an eye open but don't treat her or her friends any differently until she talks to you about it. She may be bi sexual or she may just like making out with her friends for kicks. I remember that age and I recall a few of friends making out at slumber parties or basement parties. None ever came out as lesbian so I wouldn't assume anything yet. She is lucky to have such open adults to go to if she is gay.

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Carrie,

I'm not really getting your quandary. Is it that 15 is too young to have sex (straight, gay, whatever) or that she isn't "coming clean" to you or her dad about her sexual orientation?

 

What would you as a woman, and you as her parents, want to be telling her as a 15-year old...about sex, sexuality, love and life? Just say that...I think. Her orientation really doesn't enter into those types of discussions at the end of the day...I don't think.

 

On the "silver lining" side of things, no need to worry about teen pregnancy if she is gay...I mean not to make light of anything but to suggest that there are different ways of looking at and handling the situation.

 

Best.

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Ronni, the quandary is *if* she is identifying herself as gay, should we discontinue sleepovers with her these friends she has had since childhood?

 

Because she has been evasive about her orientation (crushing on guys and joking about kissing girls), we aren't sure if she has identified either way and neither of us are sure if we should ask about it.

 

Based on Carhill's sage advice, I'm inclined to just continue being the cool Stepmom and wait for her to chat with me and take it at her timeline. Like Carhill also mentioned, we have already started the process of having relatively open and frank discussions which might be why she feels comfortable "joking" about making out with girls. Or she may be testing the waters with us to see how we react to these types of comments.

 

It is great that she and I are able to have fairly open discussions, so I may continue being frank with her so that she knows such things don't disturb me in anyway.

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Lernaean_Hydra
Ronni, the quandary is *if* she is identifying herself as gay, should we discontinue sleepovers with her these friends she has had since childhood?

 

Just because you're gay doesn't mean you can't control yourself around the same sex or that you are attracted to every woman you see though. She could be the biggest lesbian on campus but still have zero sexual feelings toward her close friends. I'd say discontinuing the sleepovers would be a very bad idea.

 

And FWIW, a lot of girls experiment when they're young so even if she weren't "out" and identified as totally straight she may very well still experiment from time to time behind closed doors.

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Carrie, with your colorful past, have you ever had experiences with women?

 

It seems odd to me that you are concerned about your stepdaughter in this way.

 

As for boundaries, for some reason I feel that they should be more lax with girls than with guys, even if she does like girls. Mainly because even if she has sex with a girl, she isn't going to get pregnant and the odds of her getting a STD are very low. Frankly I think that she would be much safer with a girl.

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I can't think off hand of any man or woman that would joke about turning a same sex person out of the blue and be entirely hetero. Maybe she's not being evasive and is telling you exactly what she's inclined toward. Both.

 

I think it's considered discrimination now to interfere in any way when it comes to same sex mating. Just look at the uproar over the lesbian in Florida getting arrested for having an underaged girlfriend. I'd tread carefully if I were you.

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Carrie, I'll start off by saying that I'm old-fashioned enough to not want my 15-year old having sex. Period. Don't care if it's gay or straight, son or daughter.

 

But. That's where I'd start about same-gender sleepovers with my 15-year old. I'd feel compelled to have a conversation that *if* there is the potential for sex to happen then it makes me uncomfortable because I don't think 15-year olds are emotionally ready for the 'stuff' that comes with any sexual relationship. At same time, I'd also offer tips and manuals and resources...they're gonna do it if they're gonna do it...and would be silly of me to not realize, accept that...and irresponsible to not do my best to prepare them as best I can.

 

(When I was 15, my mom didn't have too much of a prob with my gay male friend sleeping over...but she did not permit straight guys...because I am a straight female. Her concern was how I'd be able to handle the all of it...I'm getting that is your concern, too...it's okay to let your daughter know the same.)

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TigerLilly78

If it turns out shes gay or bi and you stop the sleepovers she will just resent it and prob the fact she told you not really worth it imo anyways.

 

If that is the case it will still happen just not at your house so why ruin a good relationship for something that is inevitable anyways?

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Carrie, with your colorful past, have you ever had experiences with women?

Oh, good heavens yes. But I started WAY earlier -- like eight years old... And it was an entirely different era.

 

It seems odd to me that you are concerned about your stepdaughter in this way.

I'm not concerned about her "in this way." I'm curious how best to handle her budding sexuality.

 

I'm a new mother and I never gave much thought to how to handle these things. I was a very sexual being VERY early (heck, I remember learning to masturbate at TWO!) And part of why I never wanted children was because of the grief I caused my parents on that accord. I was sneaking guys in to have sex when I knew my parents weren't home.

 

How do other parents handle their adolescents' sexuality?

 

I'm not concerned about my stepdaughter getting pregnant. I'm trying to figure out how to navigate that point when we learn of her experimenting. Her father has gone with the line that she can do just about anything she wants with another human being WITH HER CLOTHES ON. And for the rest of it, to wait until there is mutual respect and love. He has no delusions that she will maintain a virginity for marriage or anything.

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todreaminblue

I am a mother to three teen girls, when it comes to sexuality I am awkward when it comes to them, they are however open with me, they know my history i was outed by my son .......luckily I had already told them...they know in spite of my history i believe in sex after marriage...... I have made this clear many times...over the course of raising three girls they have often gone "off"boys which is actually a god send.....when they start to question their sexuality .....i explain to them that boys are not good to date, they arent ready and neither are they for anything that resembles a serious relationship and that its fine to have boys that are friends.....

 

 

 

if they touch them in any way to tell me ill fix it with a softball bat...then i tell them i am kidding...but i make sure that they understand that respect is what they need from any male........that when they are older it will be men they want......and it has turned out that way, they dont like the way boys behave......which is fine by me...when they question their sexuality i tell them not to make any decisions , when they are unsure and to just be for a while...concentrate on sport on school and having good friendships that dont involve intimacy....my youngest is fifteen and doing a triathlon this year her trainer says she has it.....so i tell her to concentrate on that plenty of time to have a relationship later in life.......they tell me everything and they get their friends to talk to me when they have problems...which i tell the friends have you talked to your mum lately......my girls friends respect me because i always listen and i dont judge.......but...sometimes its hard not to when it comes to drugs or self harm or harmful practices ...but i try my hardest just to be a sounding board before they talk to their parents i try to give them confidence to face what they have to........and i am honest with them..and i have let them know if i hear of self harm i have to tell their mums...but i am tangenting.....does your step daughter have any contact with her mother carrie?

 

 

............deb

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does your step daughter have any contact with her mother carrie?

Oh, yes. 50% of the time the kids live with their mother, every other Friday; week-on, week-off.

 

By all accounts, it is chaotic in their house with my husband's eldest, a 16-year old autistic savant who is doing graduate-level science and math who only visits us for dinner plus my husband's Ex's other children from previous husbands; three or four of them in their 20s who rely on their mother.

 

My husband calls that household "the island of misfit toys" and my stepdaughter has repeatedly stated she prefers and would like to live with us 100%. Don't get me wrong, her mother is not abusive, just apparently a bit psycho... She seems to get more out of those children who are more needy (like the autistic boy and another of her elder children who is socially struggling).

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I think the restriction of sleepovers would depend on whether or not you believe it is okay for her to be making out at 15.

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todreaminblue
Oh, yes. 50% of the time the kids live with their mother, every other Friday; week-on, week-off.

 

By all accounts, it is chaotic in their house with my husband's eldest, a 16-year old autistic savant who is doing graduate-level science and math who only visits us for dinner plus my husband's Ex's other children from previous husbands; three or four of them in their 20s who rely on their mother.

 

My husband calls that household "the island of misfit toys" and my stepdaughter has repeatedly stated she prefers and would like to live with us 100%. Don't get me wrong, her mother is not abusive, just apparently a bit psycho... She seems to get more out of those children who are more needy (like the autistic boy and another of her elder children who is socially struggling).

 

 

has she a good relationship in regards to communication with her mother? and do you have a relationship with the mother that you may speak about your step daughter (her daughter) and your concerns......

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has she a good relationship in regards to communication with her mother?

Nope. She is mostly a forgotten child amongst the large brood.

 

and do you have a relationship with the mother that you may speak about your step daughter (her daughter) and your concerns......

Not even a little bit. My husband and his ex only communicate via emails and rarely texts - often with lawyers carbon copied for potential future mitigation. It was a very contentious divorce. They are barely on speaking terms. I've only met the woman once - in passing - at a school function.

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I think the restriction of sleepovers would depend on whether or not you believe it is okay for her to be making out at 15.

 

Edit to clarify: I don't mean that all gays/lesbians/bisexuals can't control themselves or anything of the sort. Simply that, well, children are typically not allowed sleepovers with friends of the opposite sex under the assumption that they are hetero. I don't know if it would be a good idea to have different rules if they are not hetero.

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whichwayisup
Ronni, the quandary is *if* she is identifying herself as gay, should we discontinue sleepovers with her these friends she has had since childhood?

Of course not. Those are childhood friends, not potentials..

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Of course not. Those are childhood friends, not potentials..

 

I dunno about that.... My childhood friend (from second grade) was most definitely my first lesbian relationship as we went into adulthood!

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Had plenty of sleep-overs with childhood female friends....

 

prior to puberty.

 

After, parents knew well enough that things had changed, even with formerly good friends and playmates. We were growing up, complete with all the attendant desires and emotions surrounding that. True to form, the little girls I'd play in the street with prior began to be the females I wanted to 'play doctor' with in a more mature manner. The fact that they had been 'platonic' childhood playmates and friends was irrelevant. Adolescence was a new phase.

 

Like with other things in life, moderation. Not every young lady will present as a love interest if SD is lesbian or bi, but some will/may. Simply be watchful, again presuming any house rules against consorting/cavorting with erstwhile lovers on home turf. Myself, if it were the daughter of a spouse, I'd offer my opinion as a man and stepfather but leave the actual parenting decisions on 'rules' to the child's legal and historical parents and support their decisions.

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amaysngrace

I talk to my kids about any relationships they're involved in.

 

My soon-to-be 16 year old daughter and I had "the talk" before I dropped her off to her then-BFs house for Valentines day.

 

I think it's important to keep an eye on the relationship as it's happening. This way you will know if the feelings have grown deep enough for it to become serious.

 

I wouldn't focus too much about other peoples sexual preferences if I were you...I'd try to get her to open up about how she feels about the person more so you can know just where the relationship is heading.

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