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Thong at 12...


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In the process of what my wife and I loving call room raids-essentially cleaning everything, putting away, and perhaps some snooping to make sure everything is on the up and up---I happen to stumble across a thong package hidden under the mattress.

 

Original, right?

 

Keep in mind my daughter is 12.

 

I personally don't think it's appropriate, but talking to my wife about it she states that she started to wear thongs at about 12 as well--and my daughter simply states that she doesn't want panty lines.

 

While to a certain extent I understand that---but am I alone in thinking 12 is too young?

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How mature is your daughter? If that is the only thing she's doing, maybe let it go. At 13 because all the other girls at school had them & "everybody" could see them, I started insisting on matching bra & panty sets just so I wouldn't be different. No boys actually saw them. It was more about fitting in when we got changed for gym class.

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Just let her wear whatever underwear she likes. It sounds more like a " I need control " issue than it does about something that could possibly cause any harm. What exactly is going to come of this " inappropriate " piece of under wear?

 

 

The " room raids " are a but concerning too. How is a kid supposed to learn to trust anyone if ther own parents don't trust her enough to have a space that she can call her own ?

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amaysngrace

They sell underwire bikini tops for girls who are too young to even have boobs.

 

Why were they shoved under her mattress? I'd check up on her social networks if I were you, just to be safe...

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If I thought wearing one at twelve would have me used to them by now, I'd have started back then! Wait, did they exist forty years ago? : confused:

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amaysngrace
Just let her wear whatever underwear she likes. It sounds more like a " I need control " issue than it does about something that could possibly cause any harm. What exactly is going to come of this " inappropriate " piece of under wear?

 

 

The " room raids " are a but concerning too. How is a kid supposed to learn to trust anyone if ther own parents don't trust her enough to have a space that she can call her own ?

 

It's a tough age for a girl, Keenly. Hiding them under the mattress like that kind of shows that she may need her parents to look out for her more.

 

Don't you think?

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thefooloftheyear
In the process of what my wife and I loving call room raids-essentially cleaning everything, putting away, and perhaps some snooping to make sure everything is on the up and up---I happen to stumble across a thong package hidden under the mattress.

 

Original, right?

 

Keep in mind my daughter is 12.

 

I personally don't think it's appropriate, but talking to my wife about it she states that she started to wear thongs at about 12 as well--and my daughter simply states that she doesn't want panty lines.

 

While to a certain extent I understand that---but am I alone in thinking 12 is too young?

 

 

I have a daughter around that age and she'd never conceive of such a thing....She's only concerned with her schoolwork, her friends, her puppy, etc..What 12 year old kid should be concerned with panty lines??? Thats nuts..

 

And the poster who recommended checking in on her computer is giving good advice...Id be vigilant...DOnt want to get dramatic, but they wont tell you everything and its important to stay involved..

 

TFY

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Allow her to wear what is comfortable.

 

At least she's wearing unders...

 

This is a battle that doesn't need to be fought... Go with what works for her.

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Lernaean_Hydra
It's a tough age for a girl, Keenly. Hiding them under the mattress like that kind of shows that she may need her parents to look out for her more.

 

Don't you think?

 

 

The fact that they were hidden might very well just mean she's a bit embarrassed to be caught with a pair of "sexy panties". I'm having a hard time seeing how a pair of underwear correlates to needed your parents to hover more. It's a a thong not a bong or a box of condoms.

 

As an aside, I hid the fact that I started my period for a whole year from my mom simply becase I didn't want to discuss anything having to do with my ladybits. It makes no sense in hindsight but when I was that age I would rather have died than discuss wearing thongs with my parents.

 

Anyway no OP, I don't really think it's a big deal but what I do think is an issue are the 'room raids' Skeeves me out and it's snooping of the worst kind. I mean the total invasion of privacy there is incredible. But it's your kid so I guess that's none of my business however I will say, if she wants to hide something she can and will find a way to do so no matter how many cell searches you perform.

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amaysngrace
The fact that they were hidden might very well just mean she's a bit embarrassed to be caught with a pair of "sexy panties". I'm having a hard time seeing how a pair of underwear correlates to needed your parents to hover more. It's a a thong not a bong or a box of condoms.

 

As an aside, I hid the fact that I started my period for a whole year from my mom simply becase I didn't want to discuss anything having to do with my ladybits. It makes no sense in hindsight but when I was that age I would rather have died than discuss wearing thongs with my parents.

 

As a parent of a teenaged daughter I can say that if we can't talk about the small things there's little hope for us to discuss the big things if they arise.

 

Anyway parenting is a hands on job. Or should be anyway if you expect your children to do their best in life.

 

That's my thinking, anyway.

 

She's twelve.

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Anyway no OP, I don't really think it's a big deal but what I do think is an issue are the 'room raids' Skeeves me out and it's snooping of the worst kind. I mean the total invasion of privacy there is incredible. But it's your kid so I guess that's none of my business however I will say, if she wants to hide something she can and will find a way to do so no matter how many cell searches you perform.

 

the way I see it--its my house, they are my kids and I'm responsible for not only their well being-but also their safety in all aspects.

 

 

I also have boys ages 14 and 16--and you can bet your bottom dollar we went through/go through their rooms. now I really don't feel that I NEED to justify my parenting---but think of yourself at 12-17....would you really tell your parents if you starting experimenting with substances/sex/generally anything that teens do that they shouldn't? pretty sure you didn't.

 

 

end of the day-my house means I know what is happening with those living in it. they can have total and utter privacy when they move out on their own

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the way I see it--its my house, they are my kids and I'm responsible for not only their well being-but also their safety in all aspects.

 

 

I also have boys ages 14 and 16--and you can bet your bottom dollar we went through/go through their rooms. now I really don't feel that I NEED to justify my parenting---but think of yourself at 12-17....would you really tell your parents if you starting experimenting with substances/sex/generally anything that teens do that they shouldn't? pretty sure you didn't.

 

 

end of the day-my house means I know what is happening with those living in it. they can have total and utter privacy when they move out on their own

 

You are entitled to parent however you'd like.

 

 

I know my mom sure as hell didn't go through my room because she respected my privacy.

 

Insteaded of parenting in a sneaky under handed fashion, she sat me dieb and TALKED to me about my concerns. She never invaded my space and made me feel like I was a prisoner receiving a cell check.

 

We just have different ways of looking at this. There is the trusting, communicating, and understanding parent-child relationship. Then there is the authoritarian, quasi police version of parenting.

 

 

You pick whichever you'd like, but I know I certainly wouldn't use that one.

 

 

Now as for the underwear, let's look at the extreme. What is the WORST possible thing that. Would happen if she wore a thong, and more importantly, why do you feel the need to demand certain underwear types be worn. Would you tell your Boys that they couldn't wear boxers or boxer briefs, and they were ONLY allowed to wear those classic tighty whities?

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amaysngrace
You are entitled to parent however you'd like.

 

 

I know my mom sure as hell didn't go through my room because she respected my privacy.

 

Insteaded of parenting in a sneaky under handed fashion, she sat me dieb and TALKED to me about my concerns. She never invaded my space and made me feel like I was a prisoner receiving a cell check.

 

We just have different ways of looking at this. There is the trusting, communicating, and understanding parent-child relationship. Then there is the authoritarian, quasi police version of parenting.

 

 

You pick whichever you'd like, but I know I certainly wouldn't use that one.

 

You make it seem so extreme for a parent to watch their children. It's our JOB to.

 

I personally have never searched my kids' rooms but I do check up on them on their social networking and they know that I do too.

 

Why bother having children at all if you don't care about them enough to watch over and protect them?

 

May as well just let them be to do their own thing at age 12 :rolleyes:

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Here's what my mind is getting stuck on... most girls that age go shopping with their mothers, if nothing else because mom has the credit card and, if mom is a thong-wearer since age 12 and sees it as perfectly normal and healthy behavior, why is the thong set stuffed under a mattress?

 

Back when I was that age, parents were concerned about what was going into a kid's room, aka the 'second line' telephone or the television. Now, it's what's going out of their room from their laptop/tablet and/or cell phone. A kid can have a movie production studio in their own room and be their own actor, cinematographer, producer and director and publish their stuff to the whole world right there. I remember when ISM became popular 10 to 15 years ago and the shocking things I'd see on the internet that were going on in kid's rooms.

 

Good luck!

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thefooloftheyear
You are entitled to parent however you'd like.

 

 

I know my mom sure as hell didn't go through my room because she respected my privacy.

 

Insteaded of parenting in a sneaky under handed fashion, she sat me dieb and TALKED to me about my concerns. She never invaded my space and made me feel like I was a prisoner receiving a cell check.

 

We just have different ways of looking at this. There is the trusting, communicating, and understanding parent-child relationship. Then there is the authoritarian, quasi police version of parenting.

 

 

You pick whichever you'd like, but I know I certainly wouldn't use that one.

 

 

Now as for the underwear, let's look at the extreme. What is the WORST possible thing that. Would happen if she wore a thong, and more importantly, why do you feel the need to demand certain underwear types be worn. Would you tell your Boys that they couldn't wear boxers or boxer briefs, and they were ONLY allowed to wear those classic tighty whities?

 

With all due respect, its not the same.....

 

A thong is something someone wears to make a statement, as far as I can tell...Be it to make their ass look a certain way, or if they are wearing low cut pants to have that look where the thong can be seen from the outside(from the back)...

 

I think a similar scenario is a boy wearing droopy jeans with boxers showing...In these instances its not for comfort, and if they are selling that to a parent, then the parent is a naive moron..:rolleyes:

 

Im not a woman, but just using common sense, no way a thong is more comfortable than a conventional pair of girls underwear...No 12 year old should be concerned with making some kind of statement like that. If my daughter even thought of that, my wife would squash that immediately...

 

 

TFY

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In my daughter's class there is a girl that drinks when her mom is out , took cigarettes and condoms (!) to their school dance. My daughter was shocked and we had an honest and open talk about it. A few days later she came home with a dress that was way too mature for her. She looked great but I explained what kind of message she'd put out there in the world if she wore that.

 

Her classmate's mom is not home that often and apparently does not notice if her child is intoxicated. I disagree with the room raids (overprotective parents raise the best liars) but there is nothing wnong with keeping an eye on your daughter. It shows you care.

 

The advice I always got from people who had teenagers way before me was to keep the lines of communication open. So far that has proven sound advice.

 

Try to find out why she wants to wear thongs and explain that with dressing sexy comes a certain responsibility.

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Michelle ma Belle

If I've learned anything about parenting, particularly teenagers is that you have to learn to pick your battles!

 

It's too easy to find fault with everything teenagers do for heaven's sake! Being in their face constantly proves nothing apart from pushing your child away and teaching them to amp up their lying and hiding.

 

That's not to say I wouldn't have some concerns about the thong underwear situation in terms of how it may play out on a young girls self-esteem or overall psyche BUT if she hasn't been challenging up to this point, why make a mountain out of a molehill?

 

If nothing else, keep a watchful but loving eye on her while giving her the space she needs and deserves to figure out who she is. It's tough being a teenager these days. Parents need to work WITH with their teens rather than against them.

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You are entitled to parent however you'd like.

 

 

I know my mom sure as hell didn't go through my room because she respected my privacy.

 

Insteaded of parenting in a sneaky under handed fashion, she sat me dieb and TALKED to me about my concerns. She never invaded my space and made me feel like I was a prisoner receiving a cell check.

 

We just have different ways of looking at this. There is the trusting, communicating, and understanding parent-child relationship. Then there is the authoritarian, quasi police version of parenting.

 

 

You pick whichever you'd like, but I know I certainly wouldn't use that one.

 

 

Now as for the underwear, let's look at the extreme. What is the WORST possible thing that. Would happen if she wore a thong, and more importantly, why do you feel the need to demand certain underwear types be worn. Would you tell your Boys that they couldn't wear boxers or boxer briefs, and they were ONLY allowed to wear those classic tighty whities?

 

I agree. I don't have children of my own yet, but I hope to follow my mom's example. Which was to let me have my privacy.

 

I kept a journal as a child/teenager and my mom never even wanted to look at it. She always said there were things that were not meant for a parent to know.

 

That doesn't mean she didn't care about me or that she wasn't trying to protect me.

 

We had the safe sex/contraception talk when I was 13/14 and conversations about drinking and drugs also happened, often.

 

However, there were no room raids. And I'm definitely not worse off for it.

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littleplanet
In the process of what my wife and I loving call room raids-essentially cleaning everything, putting away, and perhaps some snooping to make sure everything is on the up and up---I happen to stumble across a thong package hidden under the mattress.

 

Original, right?

 

Keep in mind my daughter is 12.

 

I personally don't think it's appropriate, but talking to my wife about it she states that she started to wear thongs at about 12 as well--and my daughter simply states that she doesn't want panty lines.

 

While to a certain extent I understand that---but am I alone in thinking 12 is too young?

 

 

OP,

 

Of course, 12 is too young for many, many, many things...................

 

I'm tempted to say, welcome to the "new" 12.....(I went through it!)

but far more to the point:

You know your daugher well enough to put this in context.

Certain behaviors and attitudes wear very well on a sensible young girl.

On the other hand, they can be just one more red flag waving, when combined with lack of sense.

And is this not what we raise them, train them, guide them for?

Of course.

 

I caught that 'loving' term in front of room raid.

We wish to grant them a certain amount of leeway, of course.

But we also want to have a good clear handle on things.

That is only the adult and mature thing to do.

 

Much perspective on matters like this can be gained by a bit of open communication. We ask, we're told, we know.

 

A pair of thongs are what they are. Secrets to all concerned, usually.

But if they're being flaunted on social media, then that is another matter.

So to a certain extent, it has at least something to do with context.

 

Kids have secrets. They always did and always will.

It always depends on whether those secrets concern something harmful (to themselves, or others) and if this is decidedly not the case - well then, there really is no problem.

 

Raising girls with dress codes.....(tell me about it!)

The bain of fathers everywhere.

(although I fought the good fight against button-down from neck to ankle.)

......and won. :D (it was an inner struggle, after all)

 

Small victories and defeats.

Nothing that drives a wedge into the family harmony.

Rolled eyes, Shakesperean drama, dark mutters notwithstanding....

Standards get set, maintained, and it all comes out all right.

 

(You just might lose the fight with the girls in the family, on this one)

well, the battle, anyway -

if not the war. :cool:

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Grumpybutfun

I've always been a very hands on dad. I never did room raids but there was open communication and if I wanted or felt like my kids were in trouble and they clammed up on me (which they never did) a room raid wouldn't have been out of the question. I am not their friend, I'm their dad and my job, my only job is to support, teach and protect them so their computers, their rooms and backpacks were always something that if I felt they were acting strangely I would search. Fortunately, I set many boundaries so I didn't often need to, mostly computers.

We had an honesty clause which stated if they told us when they tried something or called us when impaired, they got their mom, and if they didn't and were discovered, they got me. Needless to say there weren't any secrets. My wife is sweet, I'm not. I knew every time they tried pot, drank with their friends, had sex, chatted on the computer or talked to any strangers. We had conversations and they knew they weren't allowed to do certain things in the family home. We tried to stress that they had plenty of time to be adults. They could wear garbage bags but they had to be age appropriate.

Your wife needs to handle the thong issue. Daughters need to be guided discreetly at twelve by the same sex parent. Unfortunately for you, your wife sounds like she disagrees with you that thongs are seen as sexual. As my son once said, if they are wearing thongs, they are ready for sex. This was something he said at sixteen so there you go, the juvenile male mind at its best. We checked his thought process of course, but he got that idea somewhere and it wasn't at home so take that as you will. Twelve year old girls IMHO shouldn't be approached for sex regardless of what they wear but the mentality of boys isn't exactly neurologically sound.

Those who do not have kids have no idea what it takes to get your kids safely to adulthood. Privacy is a great concept but I'd crap on every concept in existence if it helps me to guide and support my kids in a way that best serves them. Yeah, I loved them that much that I would rather them hate me than live an unstructured, lackadaisical life where they had no rules and no purpose. All of them are amazing, smart, happy, independent and still call me everyday. You may have turned out great with loose parenting but some kids don't make good choices if they aren't given structure. Being concerned and guiding my kids to make responsible, age appropriate choices like clothing choices was the kindest thing I ever did for them.

G

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seekingpeaceinlove

Look, when I was 11/12, I started shaving my nether regions. Why? I was a gymnast and needed to clean that area up as I was wearing leotards, doing splits etc. I didn't tell my parents about it...I just took one of my dad's razors from his pack. Shaving at 11/12 sounds scandalous but it had a practical reason.

 

Like others have advised, pick your battles when parenting a teen. If you've raised your child well and have a communicative and open relationship with them, trust them. If they've exemplified maturity and responsibility for their age and have behaved as you expected in most aspects...then trust them!

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I started wearing them around that age too. I still wear them. Only them. I actually do not even own a pair of full bottom underwear. They are not comfortable for me.

 

My mother really didn't think this of all things was a huge deal and picked her battles with me growing up. I don't know that my father ever knew what my choice of underwear was. I have never ever discussed it with him because he never went through my room. To my knowledge, my mother didnt either, and to be very honest, she never had to. I told her everything.

 

What I do know is, I would have been so embarrassed had he talked to me about it. "OMG DAD! WTH!" That would probably be my response to him even saying the word thong... when I was 12 anyway! Lol. I may not respond so hysterically now over it. Lol.

 

I would be more concerned with her hiding it than actually wearing a thong. That to me is something to pay attention to. She knows you snoop and go through all of her things, so she feels she needs to hide things because you guys snoop through "her" room. I think she should have a place to call her own, don't you?

 

Do you have faith in your little girl? She probably just wants to not be the only dork in the class with lines on her bum while wearing the newest pair of yoga pants.

 

I dont believe a choice in underwear defines a person, or changes someone into anything they arent already. I dont think you would tell your sons to wear regular underwear, boxer briefs or boxers, so I dont think it is any different than telling your daughter what she can and cannot wear.

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TheyCallMeOx

Having possession of a thong isn't something I would be concerned about. A thong is just an article of clothing. If you found some kind of sex toy, provocative clothing that you wear on the outside (like a teddy), then that's where I'd be concerned. Back when I was 12, girls wore thongs. As a parent, you can't stop a boy from giving your daughter attention, but you can have a little bit of control with what kind of attention they get. I've seen boys gossip about girls wearing granny panties. We might not give a crap about what people think of us, but at 12 years old...people's opinions matter. You want to fit in. My philosophy is that kids these days can be very sneaky. My mom thought she found me out when she caught me watching porn, but she had no idea how long I was watching porn, and how many sexual experiences I've had until she caught me watching it. If you're going to snoop in her room, that's fine. It's your house, you pay the bills, whatever. However, if you're going to confront her about it, then you're just giving her more incentive not to trust you. When my mom caught me watching porn, she could've ridiculed me. Instead, she said she was willing to buy me playboy magazines, and that if I want to have sex, she would buy me condoms. Although I continued to watch internet pornography behind her back, I never did anything that I felt would truly go against her. A kid is going to have secrets, secrets that you'll never find out, but how far is willing to go against you largely depends on whether you support them or not. Your wife and daughter go thong shopping, mom and daughter have a little bit of a bonding experience, and your daughter ends up being more inclined to tell your wife "girly secrets." If you turn around and say "you can't have thongs. Get your own place and you can be stark ass naked for all I care," then you're just giving her reason to rebel against you. In my perspective, you found the thong only because she didn't think it was worth hiding. The things she's willing to hide are things that may not even be in her room. Kids can be very resourceful, as I've mentioned. Don't be worried about the things you see; I would be worried about the things you don't see. How much she's willing to tell you largely depends on the strength of your relationship, and being authoritative parents isn't always the best approach to every circumstance.

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