Pickle4 Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Hi, I'll apologise straight away for the length, I wanted some outside perspective as to whether I'm just being an over protective mum or whether I'm right to be concerned. My daughter is 22, her boyfriend is 25, they met 7 months ago online, (not that my daughter was actively searching that hard for a boyfriend, she's very independent and has never lacked offers, she was supposedly doing the online thing as more of a laugh) but she met her boyfriend and they were texting constantly for over 3 months before they even met, she was all full of how much they "clicked" and he "got her" etc etc. Anyway, he lives in rural Ireland and my daughter, son & I in Newcastle, England, three months into all this texting he made the trip here to see her and the rest is history they've been dating ever since. Because of the distance they've only met in person 4 times prior to this incident, one of those was at his where she met all his family so ive only met the lad on two occasions although he stayed with us both of those times. That said from what I see he's a lovely boy, comely, an athlete, but one of lifes gentle souls, I confess I didn't think it would last, my daughters quite...fiery and I thought she'd find him too soft in the end, but as long as he treated her well and she was happy It wasn't my place to interfere so I made him welcome and let her get on with it. Now to the issue, 3 weeks ago our home was broken in to, I work nights and my daughter was in the house alone, thank god they didn't hurt her but they did threaten her while they made there escape and in short I think gave her the fright of her life. She phoned him, he was on one of the first flights over. She admitted to being freaked out staying in the house and he offered for her to stay with him for a little bit. I have no problem with that shes an adult, I even thought it'd be nice for her. Thing is now its been over 3 weeks and she's shown zero sign of coming home anytime soon, when I ask her when shes coming back she makes an excuse or gets annoyed that we always try and "control her and she can never do right" etc etc which is a load of rubbish. This has got me worried, sure maybe its the simple explanation everyone keeps giving me, maybe there just loves young dream, she wants to spend time with her boyfriend in the flesh and I'm sure shes loving him treating her like a queen which is exactly what he does. But I cant help worrying maybe its more than that, like maybe this break in has knocked her for six more than she'd let on in which case I feel like I should be doing more! I'm her mum! This guy as nice as he seems is practically a stranger to her. Urgh just needed to vent! Am I stressing over nothing? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 She may have PTSD. It's very real so I don't think you're making a big deal out of nothing. She should get help for it if she does have it though. It can be quite crippling. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Your options are limited with adult children, but I think one great place to start is a visit to the Emerald Isle. Take your time there, and try to get a feel for the situation she's in. She's an adult, and your ability to protect her is limited, but it's sure as hell not non-existent. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 I too think she may fear being in the house alone. I know I would. Let her take her time. Assure her you will support her but you are going to have to let her work through this on her own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pickle4 Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 She may have PTSD. It's very real so I don't think you're making a big deal out of nothing. She should get help for it if she does have it though. It can be quite crippling. Yeah I know its very real, and can be very serious. But she's never been one to like being told what to do, and its hard for me to even know if there is an issue or not when its him she's talking to not me. Your options are limited with adult children, but I think one great place to start is a visit to the Emerald Isle. Take your time there, and try to get a feel for the situation she's in. She's an adult, and your ability to protect her is limited, but it's sure as hell not non-existent. Yes I think you may be right! I've kind of been weighing this up myself, that is she won't come to me I'm going to have to go to her. He was telling me about his family one of the last times I saw him, he's one of 7! and to the sound of it very close and he was saying we should all go over soon to meet his family so I don't think he'd mind! I don't want her to think i'm controlling her or whatever other rubbish but if she wont talk to me.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 I think she may just be enjoying time with her boyfriend, and he may just be enjoying the time with her too ,and there is no reason they feel they need to hurry back to their lives apart. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Firstly , you are a mum, its natural to be concerned for your children. Independent as they may be, there is always that level of concern. Sit tight and allow it to play out. Young adults have a tendency to establish moments of over doing it , your daughter is simply making the most of a sincere relationship. Unlike others, I cannot diagnose a person based off a second parties perspective.. I prefer to leave that in the hands of the medical professionals. Hope you keep in touch with her and let her know you are there if she simply wants to talk or chat. Keep the lines open. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 Has she got anything over here she should be rushing back for, like a job? If not then why rush back if shes with the guy she loves? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pickle4 Posted July 11, 2014 Author Share Posted July 11, 2014 I think she may just be enjoying time with her boyfriend, and he may just be enjoying the time with her too ,and there is no reason they feel they need to hurry back to their lives apart. This is definitely what I'm hoping! From her FB - and his, she certainly doesn't look unhappy! She's undoubtedly keener on him than I realised she was originally and keener on him than I've seen her be on anyone before! It is only the coming home thing coinciding with the break in like it does that's got me concerned. But that its probably more likely that her little old mum just isn't as exciting as her new man! Firstly , you are a mum, its natural to be concerned for your children. Independent as they may be, there is always that level of concern. Sit tight and allow it to play out. Young adults have a tendency to establish moments of over doing it , your daughter is simply making the most of a sincere relationship. I certainly hope so! I hope im just having a needless worry over nothing! Hope you keep in touch with her and let her know you are there if she simply wants to talk or chat. Keep the lines open. Yeah have spoken to her on the phone, her and my son are very close and shes been ringing him and then I get a "guess I better speak to mum then" haha Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pickle4 Posted July 11, 2014 Author Share Posted July 11, 2014 Has she got anything over here she should be rushing back for, like a job? If not then why rush back if shes with the guy she loves? No, she's finished uni, she's working self employed so there's nothing really tying her here, she could work from anywhere - though I'm pretty certain she isn't working over there at the moment! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts