How should I apologize to my son?

[MarkQuintz]

I'm new here so please bare with me while I try to make my question clear. Sorry for the length. Thanks in advance.

 

I am a father of a 21 year old son. Throughout his childhood he has always been an outgoing kid, made many friends, etc. Getting up in his teen years he began to change. He wasn't as social as some of the other teens around. Now I'm not trying to compare, but I wanted him to put himself out there more so he can make many great memories before he becomes a full fledged adult.

 

 

Before the end of his first year of college, he expressed that he wanted to begin a music career in "DJing". I was NOT in favor of it. I wanted him to get an education in these times of hardships. We know that the economy is not stable at the moment. Basically I want him to live better than me. He did end up dropping out. He got a job and used the money for an apartment and buying equipment for DJing which was over $5000 might I add. I was sad for him because people LAUGHED at his dream. Friends would talk about him, family would talk about him, and I'm guilty of not believing in it as well.

 

Fast forward to now, he has been signed to a record label making money that I could only imagine making. When his friends were out partying, he was hammering away at his craft. When he's not working, he's hammering away at his craft. Everyone who doubted him basically was handed a plate of "screw you" after seeing his new found success.

 

I feel like I failed. I should've supported HIM. Not the IDEA of what I wanted for him to achieve.

 

 

I want to apologize, but I haven't spoken to him in 3 years.

[iiiii]

Could you write it down, just like you have for us, and send it to him?

 

You could put at the end, that you'd love to see him at some point.

 

You are pretty eloquent writing here, I'm sure you could get your feelings across in a letter.

 

[preraph]

I think I'm the right person to answer this. From the time I was in high school laying in front of the "console" stereo listening to Hendrix and Joplin in small town Bumf&ck U.S.A., I knew I had to be part of that. I had no realistic hope of it at all and then a miracle happened and a man started a record chain in my midwest town. I finagled my way onto his payroll, quickly advanced to managing record retail and then moved to the nearest label hub to continue my career. I had to start all over, again, just in a record store, a competitor of the one I'd started in, making a fourth what I'd made in the hometown doing it, but it was the funnest three years of my life even though I had zero money and I made so many friends there many of which I still have 30+ years later. I was totally immersed and focused on rock n roll all those years.

 

From there, I became a buyer for the large chain I'd originally been with, and my career began to take off, good pay, unbelievable perks. I did hit a bad place in my career but eventually recovered and worked as a label rep for a couple of years. By that time I was in my 40s and starting to want to stay home more and just be with my dog and watch tv after thousands of concerts. But I had lived my dream.

 

Now, when I got out of high school in '70, the only choices for women where I lived were secretary, nurse, or teacher. I dropped out after 2 years of college, did odd jobs for a year or two before I got into the record store. I was a hippie and everything and you can imagine my parents weren't well pleased, but their ideal for me was to marry, you know, and had no real aspirations for any career for me particularly. I knew what I had to do though. And anyone who really is serious about their dream can accomplish it by staying focused and building their life around it, going where they have to go to work, paying their dues, etc.

 

Your son did that, and it shows that you instilled in him, basically, a belief in himself that he could do what he really wanted to do if he tried hard enough.

So you should be proud.

 

I felt very awkward the time I realized (still in the record store) that I was making more than my dad was. I made a point of asking him for advice about the things he was good with (like cars) because I actually felt guilty for it. Parents want better for their kids. In some ways, what I had was better, but because of the way the world has changed, in some ways it's not. He always managed to keep a lake house and I'll never have that, for example. So every generation faces different opportunities and challenges.

 

As far as apologizing, you should just tell your son that even though it's not logically what most parents would choose for their child because it's such a long shot, that you want him to know how proud you are that he had the "stick-to-it-ness" and focus to succeed at his dream. Don't do this the first time in any bragging context with others around because that could be misconstrued. Do it when it's just you and him. Just do it in your own style, whatever that is: Wow, you've done a great job at doing what you set out to do. You don't really need to apologize; just say you're proud and then stop worrying about him unless there's clear and present danger. Congrats!

[MarkQuintz]

As far as apologizing, you should just tell your son that even though it's not logically what most parents would choose for their child because it's such a long shot, that you want him to know how proud you are that he had the "stick-to-it-ness" and focus to succeed at his dream. Don't do this the first time in any bragging context with others around because that could be misconstrued. Do it when it's just you and him. Just do it in your own style, whatever that is: Wow, you've done a great job at doing what you set out to do. You don't really need to apologize; just say you're proud and then stop worrying about him unless there's clear and present danger. Congrats!

 

Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to lend some advice.

 

I am very proud of my son for what he's accomplished. I was just too set on societies' idea of success. You know the one where you; finish high school, go to college and graduate, get married and settle down, have kids, send them off to college, and live until you go. That path to me growing up was so simple and safe in comparison to what my son wanted to accomplish.

[preraph]

I understand. My family really knew no other way. I didn't settle down and all that ever because I was having too much fun back then, but I have no regrets at all. My guess is your son will eventually do all those other things, marry, have a family and all that. Most of my friends in the industry did, especially men. But he may be single for awhile enjoying himself first. Good luck!

[MuddyFootprints]

We encouraged our son to pursue his music dreams. He did the work and was accepted into the music programme of his choice. Now we are the bad guys for encouraging a frivolous life path and he thinks he has wasted two years of his life.

 

Sometimes it doesn't matter what our best intentions are for our children.

 

3 years is far too long without communicating with your son. Call him.

[MarkQuintz]

We encouraged our son to pursue his music dreams. He did the work and was accepted into the music programme of his choice. Now we are the bad guys for encouraging a frivolous life path and he thinks he has wasted two years of his life.

 

Sometimes it doesn't matter what our best intentions are for our children.

 

3 years is far too long without communicating with your son. Call him.

 

You're right. 3 years seems like forever considering I watched this kid grow up right before my eyes. I will be calling him to set up a day where I make a trip to visit him.

 

I will admit I am very nervous. Before he persuade this career of his, I was not supportive and even scolded him for it. Part of me believes that I am in ways jealous. Let's admit it. Many young adults today are not hard working. Not all, but many. I never applied myself when I was his age and although I finished school and got a well paying job, I was never happy.

 

Nonetheless I will swallow my pride and do what's right.

[Tressugar]

Wow! Good for him! When most people his age are still trying to find themselves and discover who they are. A job well done!

[Tayla]

Its admirable that you see the error of thinking. Whether he succeeded in that endeavor or not, you sound like a loving father. Take this opportunity as a stepping stone . I wish you and your son more memories.

[quankanne]

"As far as apologizing, you should just tell your son that even though it's not logically what most parents would choose for their child because it's such a long shot, that you want him to know how proud you are that he had the 'stick-to-it-ness' and focus to succeed at his dream. "

 

great advice, OP! I'd still add a heartfelt, "I'm sorry I let you down by not supporting your dream, because this was something you had to figure out on your own, and not me decide for you," or something to that degree, because it'll go a long way toward him knowing that while you're proud of him, you *do* regret the time lost ...

[whichwayisup]

Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to lend some advice.

 

I am very proud of my son for what he's accomplished. I was just too set on societies' idea of success. You know the one where you; finish high school, go to college and graduate, get married and settle down, have kids, send them off to college, and live until you go. That path to me growing up was so simple and safe in comparison to what my son wanted to accomplish.

 

I think you should just tell him what you've said above and in your first post. Speak from your heart, be honest and admit that you made a mistake and hope he forgives you for not supporting him back then. Then tell him you love him and always will have his back no matter what! His happiness and doing something that he loves and is passionate about is more important than making tons of money.

 

You're a good father. Forgive yourself too.

[beatcuff]

Mark,

 

i am dealing with a similar situation: my oldest, after 1 year at a local community college decided he want to do X and to do so had to transfer to a big time, big money school. 1 year later he is back, it was not for him (X). am i disappointed - yes, did he fail - no. i 'let' (i really did not have much of a choice) him do it because i thought it would make him happy, and its not a failure because he tried. the 20's is the perfect age to chase your dreams - no responsibility, few bills, and many years to recover.

 

too many parents 'force' their child to do what they think will bring the money, and with money happiness will then follow. and yes money does smooth over the rough spots but i see too many of persons my age that are miserable working in a job they hate, but trapped to provide for their families so their dream fades away.

 

you see your mistake ----- actually you have NOT.... it was three years that you turned your back, and now that he is a SUCCESS you are trying to get back in... i think you want to reconnect because he is successful NOT because he is happy.

 

he will see though your fakeness [sic], i hope for the both of you, you are sincere.

[MarkQuintz]

Mark,

 

i am dealing with a similar situation: my oldest, after 1 year at a local community college decided he want to do X and to do so had to transfer to a big time, big money school. 1 year later he is back, it was not for him (X). am i disappointed - yes, did he fail - no. i 'let' (i really did not have much of a choice) him do it because i thought it would make him happy, and its not a failure because he tried. the 20's is the perfect age to chase your dreams - no responsibility, few bills, and many years to recover.

 

too many parents 'force' their child to do what they think will bring the money, and with money happiness will then follow. and yes money does smooth over the rough spots but i see too many of persons my age that are miserable working in a job they hate, but trapped to provide for their families so their dream fades away.

 

you see your mistake ----- actually you have NOT.... it was three years that you turned your back, and now that he is a SUCCESS you are trying to get back in... i think you want to reconnect because he is successful NOT because he is happy.

 

he will see though your fakeness [sic], i hope for the both of you, you are sincere.

 

This isn't about money. I'm not trying to reconnect to somehow bathe in his light. I want for him to know that I'm proud of him for walking down his own path to success even when his own father wouldn't support him (like i should have.)

 

It's not like I haven't cared about my son for these past 3 years. I mean he's my child. I would give up everything for the kid. My stress and worries just grew from the thought out things not working out.

 

When I saw my friends' children dropping out left and right, partying until the mornings, etc., I thought about my son and his goals. I was instantly saddened. He knew that he would rather fail at something he wanted to do, than to fail at something he DIDN'T want to do.

[turnera]

I would get some sort of plaque made for him, with his name on it, that he can hang in his office (or wherever DJs put stuff, lol), that shows your pride in him. Give it to him when you see him, and just say "I want you to know how proud I am of you. You followed your dream when even I couldn't see the path, and you're so much braver than I ever was. I'm proud to have you as my son." He'll get the message.

[soccerrprp]

OP, I don't with any certainty whether you are truly motivated by regret or the success he's finally found, but will give you the benefit of the doubt. Tell him that you are proud of his accomplishments and let him know that you'd like to reconnect if he wants to. Don't push for the meeting, of course. I would keep it simple.

 

Why no contact for 3-years!? None at all?