Mapper71 Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) We took SD to the train station after her week long visit. We have been doing this on a monthly basis for almost 2 years. Before she turned 16 DH would have to check her in, but she has been 16 for 8 months now and she still seems to have no clue what needs to be done. First off, she ALWAYS ends up leaving something behind when she goes home too. I asked DH if we needed to print out the train ticket for SD before we left and he said he did and gave it to her. As we were backing out of the driveway he asks SD if she has it. She says that she left it on her dresser because they have it on record at the station and she doesn't need it. Well the reason we print it out is so that you can go to the kiosk rather than wait in line at the counter! So we get to the station and after doing this for 2 years you think she'd be prepared. DH is carrying her backpack and we get up to the counter and she needs to show her ID to the attendant. If she had brought the piece of paper to scan she wouldn't have had to show her ID to anyone. She is totally oblivious to the fact that she needs to have her ID at the ready and says it's in her backpack. Well she starts rummaging through her backpack for her wallet and then comes to the realization that she left her wallet in her dresser at the house! Isn't that the ONE thing you would think she'd be sure to have?! The attendant reluctantly says she'll give her the ticket but she NEEDS to have her ID on her from now on. We are there at 9:30 and the train was to leave at 10 but was running 15-20 minutes behind. SD is all upset because she is going to this concert and has no money and there's a check in her wallet that she needs to cash but she doesn't have the check or her ID to cash it and her mom doesn't have any money because she spends it as soon as she gets it. Well DH drives like a bat out of hell back to the house to get the wallet and gets back in time before the train comes. You would think SD could say thank you for that but doesn't! She was lucky we weren't at the usual station we take her to which is 45 minutes away and at the one that is only 15 minutes away from home! Then as the train pulls in and she gets up to walk to it, she walks away and leaves her boots sitting right next to where she was sitting! We go "Ahem" and she turns around and comes to get them! Then when we get home I see she has also left her glasses on her bedside table! I just want to shake her and say "pay attention"! She just seems so unawares most of the time. When I was her age I was always going over things again and again to make sure I had everything and doing things way before they needed to be done. We do this station routine every month and every month she acts like she has no clue what she needs to do and have ready and then gets mad at us because we don't go get her ticket for her. She thinks she's this adult but she expects everyone else to think and do the work for her! All she needs to do it say she has a reservation and show her ID and she gets her ticket. And every time we get attitude because she acts like she has no idea what she has to do! Edited July 10, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Lernaean_Hydra Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Honestly, all of this really just sounds like typical teenage behavior. From what you've said, she's not particularly bratty or disrespectful so really the biggest issue appears to be her memory. When I was her age I was quite scatterbrained and drove my parents crazy. Heck, to this day I can still be pretty forgetful. I have to wear an earpiece and lanyard badge to work every single shift but god help me if I make it there with BOTH items with any regularity. The running joke in my family is that if I'd never stay kidnapped for long because I'd leave a trail of clues behind me. Anyway, so here you have a sixteen year old who thinks she's an adult. In other news, water is wet and other groundbreaking revelations. In all fairness, she's nearly seventeen and thus not all that far away from actually being one. Nevertheless, she isn't one yet. SO, if she has such a problem keeping track of her things, I'd suggest helping her make a list of necessities and making sure that all items are in tow before ever pulling out of the driveway. This is how many parents teach children preparedness and help them establish a routine. She may bitch and moan about it but make it very clear to her that until she can demonstrate an increase in responsibility and independence on her part, this will be the new status quo. As you say, this has been going on for two years so I have to ask, what have YOU done to rectify the problem? Short of simply being annoyed about it of course... My only other advice would be to maybe look into whether she has some sort of actual medical problem that affects her memory. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 She's too damn focused on her smart phone and texting to pay attention to anything else! Yes I know typical teenager. Her phone, by the way, has had it's face smashed to the point of barely being able to detect what's on it but she continues to use it even though she tells us she has a new phone she can use but transferring all her info over to that phone is just too hard. No it isn't. It will probably take you 10 minutes tops! Link to post Share on other sites
Lernaean_Hydra Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Actually, depending on what kind of phone and how long she's had it yeah, transferring data can possibly take several hours. Especially if she's switching platforms. Music, pictures, contacts, apps and miscellaneous other files take time to move and generally it's not a process that can be done piecemeal or you risk losing everything. Again, none of this behavior sounds disastrous or like something that can't be worked out over time. I know part of this is just you venting but in reality you sound like you're really struggling with her as a person and I'm wondering what your relationship with her is like. I'm getting the feeling you just don't care for her very much. Have you discussed your ongoing frustration with your husband? As I say, yes she has some problems but they sound extraordinarily tame compared to what 16 year olds are capable of these days. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Quick question, what are the chances that the OP will revert to an infantile state [chicken dinner state !!!] should some hard questions be asked ? You know, stuff like 'what are the consequences you have provided to her ?', and 'why are you medicating with crying over spilt milk instead of trying to fix the problem ?'. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 When I was her age I was always going over things again and again to make sure I had everything and doing things way before they needed to be done. Well, based on all your other posts, we know that she is not you and why you continue to rant about her astounds me. We do this station routine every month and every month she acts like she has no clue what she needs to do and have ready and then gets mad at us because we don't go get her ticket for her. This one is pretty simple. Explain to her to the repercussions of her actions or in-actions and don't get the ticket for her. All she needs to do it say she has a reservation and show her ID and she gets her ticket. And every time we get attitude because she acts like she has no idea what she has to do! If you keep rescuing her, she won't do it herself. Of course there will still be attitude, but you can force the issue. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Quick question, what are the chances that the OP will revert to an infantile state [chicken dinner state !!!] should some hard questions be asked ? Winner, winner! Thank for the reminder, I'm still waiting for my dinner! Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 The more you post about your stepdaughter, the more I think you have jealousy issues involving your husband and your stepdaughter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 The more you post about your stepdaughter, the more I think you have jealousy issues involving your husband and your stepdaughter. You are so right. I'm very jealous of them. In every way. I cannot begin to tell you. I mean SO JEALOUS! Can't even put it into words! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 Winner, winner! Thank for the reminder, I'm still waiting for my dinner! Oh and I don't want to disappoint so "Winner winner, chicken dinner!" Wah wah boo hoo! I'm such a jerk!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 Quick question, what are the chances that the OP will revert to an infantile state [chicken dinner state !!!] should some hard questions be asked ? You know, stuff like 'what are the consequences you have provided to her ?', and 'why are you medicating with crying over spilt milk instead of trying to fix the problem ?'. See above! Not my kid, not my problem! Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Not my kid, not my problem! You sure do bitch about her enough to make it seem like she's your problem... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I wonder if your 16 yr old SD would react like this. Afteral, you have 27yrs of 'maturity' on her. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 And to add...my daughter's braces came off last week and I was so pissed at her because all she did right after was take selfies and kept saying how great her teeth felt. She did not thank me at all We had to go back a few hours later to pick up her retainer and I guess they made her fill out a thank you note to me because one came in the mail two days later. Anyway after her retainer appointment she verbally thanked me thanks to the orthodontist's office reminding her. Point is even doctors recognize that kids will be kids and forget the most basic things so why on earth can't you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 You sure do bitch about her enough to make it seem like she's your problem... I know riiiiiiiiiiiiiight! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) Point is even doctors recognize that kids will be kids and forget the most basic things so why on earth can't you? Because she does it EVERY TIME! Or she loses it and then mom and dad have to shell out money for a new one which will get broken or lost or she'll give it away to someone. I relayed this story and all the other forgetful things she does to my mom and sister and they both shake their heads saying "I don't know how she's going to turn out. She needs to learn responsibility and grow up a bit". So it's not just me! Edited July 7, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 Your mom and your sister agreeing with you? Groundbreaking... Totally riiiiiight? And friends and even husband agrees with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 Well, the histrionics sure bleed thru in nearly every post. Valid question. Indeed! Everyone sure seems to eat it up here though! Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I mean I would never tell the person who I'm talking about to their face...just everyone else! Then you don't want a resolution because the only way to resolve the misunderstandings and find common ground is to talk it out with the person you're in disagreement with. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 When I was her age I was always going over things again and again to make sure I had everything and doing things way before they needed to be done. She isn't you. Everybody is different and unique so please stop comparing what you would have done at 16 to what she is doing at 16. Some people are just scattered minded. My neighbours are like this and so are their kids. Constantly misplacing or losing stuff. Keys, purse, briefcases etc..etc. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I'm just going to repeat my post from your last thread, which fits well enough: The posts about the daughter make it seem that you're in competition with her. It may be that the dad encourages that, but you can't feed into it, and you really need to stop it, if you care about this girl and yourself. It's not a healthy dynamic. You say you're working, so I assume you are able to be independent. What is it that you get from this relationship that makes it worth staying? Every post I've read that you've made about your relationship makes it sound terrible to me. If I felt the way in a relationship the way that I think you feel, I would leave. It doesn't sound as though you feel valued or respected. Why do you stay? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Tried to edit my post but someone else posted after me..Forgot to add, most teens that age think that they are adults, and are mature, they know better than what their parents tell them. That's normal and it's a phase. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Then you don't want a resolution because the only way to resolve the misunderstandings and find common ground is to talk it out with the person you're in disagreement with. Exactly. I think it is pretty clear that Mapper would rather "vent" then actually take any ACTION to change a situation she is upset/angry/unhappy with. Which is unfortunate. However, I do have to give her credit for starting this thread without an exclamation point in the title! Yay!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Indeed! Everyone sure seems to eat it up here though! We are here, trying to help. It doesn't seem to do any good though. If you have no control over the situation, what steps could you take to alleviate the angst that occurs when these events DO happen? How can we help you other than being a sounding board for the irrationality of how you are dealing with your stepdaughter? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 This taking your stories and running to your family with them, and the " I just don't know how she will turn out " needs to stop. you are a step parent. STEP mother... not mother. You have a completely different role to play than the actual mother in this situation. You do not get to dictate how to parent in this case. You follow the lead of the actual parent that you married, the father. Its not your place to try and make your step daughter into who you want her to be. Your role is strictly support, not lead. If you want to befriend her and hope you rub off on her in a completely voluntary sense, you can. But you can not make demands, or try and take the lead in the parenting role. If you make an attempt to do so, you will drive a wedge in between you and her, and it will also affect.your marriage. Its up to you how you want to proceed, but coming from a stepchild, if you screw this up, you will never win the respect of your step daughter back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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