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Stepdaughter does not want to leave her bedroom!


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SD (16 y/o) is visiting for the week and it is so frustrating seeing her spending all her time in her room! H stayed home with her yesterday and they went to a big fish market and grabbed some seafood and just looked around at some other stuff. Got home around 2PM or so I guess. It was a gorgeous, warm day. I get home at 5PM and DH is in the middle of cooking and SD's bedroom door is closed and I say "Is SD in her room?" H replies "She's been in there ever since we got back. I told her to go be social with the girl next door but she won't go". I knock on SD's door and go in and the lights are out and shades are pulled and she's lying on her bed watching tv and texting away. I tell her "It looks like a cave in here". She rolls her eyes at me because probably DH said the same thing to her earlier. She says to me "Well it's better than being out there in Nowheresville" I don't even know what that meant! Was Nowheresville outside with the next door neighbor girl or the living room or what? She asks if I want to sit down and watch tv with her. No it is the last thing I want to do is sit in a dark room and watch tv! Get off your butt and go outside! The girl has no desire to even stick her head outside!

 

I really don't understand her. She complains endlessly how absolutely bored she is and how we need to go do something but will not make any effort to go out and hang out with the neighbor girl and her friends. There were a bunch of kids next door tossing around a volleyball and she wouldn't even look out the window at them and went right back to her bedroom. The kids were running down the street after the ice cream truck and just having fun. H was out there talking with the kids over the fence and handing them some of the food he was making. She tells us what a social butterfly she is at her mom's house but here she'd rather be oh so bored than go over and make friends with someone her age. I don't know what will cure her boredom. I think the only thing she likes to do is go to the mall. She asked H yesterday if there was anything we were going to do today and DH said he was going to work. She gave a disappointed "Oh okay". I don't know if she expects us to take off work and to be taken somewhere everyday to cure her boredom or what. She says that she doesn't see the point in making friends with them when she's never going to see them again. You'll be here for a week next month and 2 weeks in August. You WILL see them again! She always tells us that there's no way she'd get along with them as they are not on her level and automatically dismisses them.

 

She's always been like this. SO many opportunities to hang out with kids, even when they come up to her, but all she does is say a quick hi and then retreats to the car or the bedroom or wherever and sulks about how absolutely booooooored she is. She could be hanging out with these kids during the day while we are at work, but doesn't and then wants us to take her somewhere when we get home. H told her on the day she got here that she could hang out with the neighbor girl and her response was "I'm going to close the blinds, binge on food and make friends with Zelda (which is her video game) while we are at work! Sounds like a hoot!

 

Gee I seem to remember H telling me that "No offense, but SD is just as social as me and WILL meet people and have boyfriends" when he was telling me about the boyfriend situation. Oh yeah...she seems just SUPER social!! She does have a boyfriend, but I'll be damned as to how she met him!

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Mapper

 

If 1/2 of what you have posted about before your SD arrived is a vibe in the house -- your DH is an overgrown selfish child, you are unhappy & you resent this kid -- is known to her, or she's picking up on, no wonder she's hiding in her room.

 

What are you the adult doing to help her? Have you invited the neighbor girl over for lunch? Have you offered to take both girls out for mani-pedis (one of the things you complained about was not wanting to take this poor child with you when you got your hair done)

 

Try seeing things from her perspective. Remember when you were an awkward 16 year old.

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Listen, sitting with their iPhones in their face is about all teenagers do these days. They do it walking down the street, they do it driving, they do it on a date and at the dinner table with their parents. They live through their iPhones and social skills are becoming a lost art.

 

Not sure why he's telling her to go be friends with a stranger next door. Just because she's near in age doesn't mean either of them are interested. They may be completely opposing types.

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When I was a teenager, I would've done the same thing. Could she invite one of her own friends along the next time she comes over?

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Listen, sitting with their iPhones in their face is about all teenagers do these days. They do it walking down the street, they do it driving, they do it on a date and at the dinner table with their parents. They live through their iPhones and social skills are becoming a lost art.

 

Not sure why he's telling her to go be friends with a stranger next door. Just because she's near in age doesn't mean either of them are interested. They may be completely opposing types.

 

Yes they MAY be opposing types but how does she know unless she talks to her?! If there's a kid your age in your neighborhood don't you want to try and make friends with them?! I was a shy kid growing up but I was always drawn to others my age. So sitting in her room constantly saying how bored she is is WAY better than going and getting to know other kids when they are hanging outside next door?

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Mapper

 

If 1/2 of what you have posted about before your SD arrived is a vibe in the house -- your DH is an overgrown selfish child, you are unhappy & you resent this kid -- is known to her, or she's picking up on, no wonder she's hiding in her room.

 

What are you the adult doing to help her? Have you invited the neighbor girl over for lunch? Have you offered to take both girls out for mani-pedis (one of the things you complained about was not wanting to take this poor child with you when you got your hair done)

 

Try seeing things from her perspective. Remember when you were an awkward 16 year old.

Oh she has no clue about how I feel about her! She thinks I adore the ground she walks on as she always wants to hang out with me and I'd say I do a pretty good job at making her feel welcome.

 

If we invited this girl over for lunch, SD would walk into the room and grab some food and take it back to her room! She wouldn't say a word to this girl if we took them somewhere.Most likely she would roll her eyes and say how lame this girl is.

 

I was an extremely shy teenager, but I always gravitated to people my age when I was visiting other people.

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Why don't you invite the neighbor kid over?

 

As I said, she would say a quick hi, be pissed at us for inviting over a girl she has no desire to get to know and go hide in her room or say she's tired and is going to take a nap to get away. I've seen her do it before!

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WEll to be honest. I would not really want to make friends with a random neighbor girl that I only see at Dad's house a couple times a year. It is awkward for your SD and the girl. I mean you are basically shoving her on this girl.

 

It is the type of thing that parents think is a great idea but in reality to the kids it is torture (at the worst) or super lame (at the best).

 

This would probably have worked when the girls were 5-10 but not at 16. She is intruding on an already established social group.

 

I would probably be doing the same thing as SD. She is away from her friends, boyfriend, main house and social scene to stay with a immature dad who could care less and a step mom who is resentful of her.

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So she likes to watch tv, sit in her room and text, and likes to go to the mall.

 

...

 

And you think this is abnormal behavior for a 16 year old girl?

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So she likes to watch tv, sit in her room and text, and likes to go to the mall.

 

...

 

And you think this is abnormal behavior for a 16 year old girl?

 

Of course girls do that but I also see every other kid in the neighborhood out running around and doing things outside in nice weather. I mean my god, the girl won't even go sit on the patio and text. At least she'd be out of her room. I simply can't understand being shut up in a house all day with the blinds pulled when it's so gorgeous outside!!

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It sounds like you're trying to pawn her off on the neighbor kid and she probably picks up on that. Why would she want to hang out with some random kid that she's only going to see for a week here and there? Ice cream truck? She's 16! Her friends back home are probably partying it up by the lake and she's stuck around a step-mom that resents her and a father who is never there for her. She's there to spend time with you and your husband but it doesn't sound like either of you make time for her.

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It sounds like you're trying to pawn her off on the neighbor kid and she probably picks up on that. Why would she want to hang out with some random kid that she's only going to see for a week here and there? Ice cream truck? She's 16! Her friends back home are probably partying it up by the lake and she's stuck around a step-mom that resents her and a father who is never there for her. She's there to spend time with you and your husband but it doesn't sound like either of you make time for her.

 

We make plenty of time for her! Take her out for dinner, take her to the mall, sit and watch movies with her. And yes...the ice cream truck! The neighbor girls were having fun and being silly running after the ice cream truck and then sitting and drinking pop on the back patio and playing volleyball and doing what you are supposed to in the summer. They were HAVING FUN!! Better to be silly than to be all doom and gloom in her room complaining of boredom and how WE need to take her somewhere!

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Of course girls do that but I also see every other kid in the neighborhood out running around and doing things outside in nice weather. I mean my god, the girl won't even go sit on the patio and text. At least she'd be out of her room. I simply can't understand being shut up in a house all day with the blinds pulled when it's so gorgeous outside!!
Problem is, you see her as a kid. Teenagers hate that.

 

 

At 16 I was interested in getting laid, getting drunk and getting stoned. (the latter 2 mainly for the first) Any other interests were either based around video games or some competitive sport.

 

All other activities, school, family, hanging out with the neighborhood kids or whatever, would fall under the catagory of meh or obligation. So if you wanted me to hang out with the neighbor or go get ice cream, I'd maybe do it, or maybe not; with a meh attituide most likely.

 

 

 

As the adult, you're not doing something wrong here, you know that sitting in a dark room by yourself all day isn't healthy. Teenagers are just a pain in the ass sometimes. If you have too, force her to do something semi-constructive, but don't try and force her to make friends or have fun. She'll just roll her eye's at you.

 

She have any interests you could encourage? And by this, yes I mean force her on some activity she'll pretend to hate. :laugh:

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She have any interests you could encourage? And by this, yes I mean force her on some activity she'll pretend to hate. :laugh:

The only interest I can see she has is going to the mall! Lord knows we do that enough to the point of nausea every time she's here!

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She's 16 not 5, you don't just walk over to strange other girls that age and just impose yourself on them.

 

You are pretty hard on this girl, she wasn't bothering you or misbehaving, she had gone out already with her Dad, what is the problem?

Do you ever ask her to do girl stuff and hang out with her, go to lunch, anything?

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Of course girls do that but I also see every other kid in the neighborhood out running around and doing things outside in nice weather. I mean my god, the girl won't even go sit on the patio and text. At least she'd be out of her room. I simply can't understand being shut up in a house all day with the blinds pulled when it's so gorgeous outside!!

 

I was your 16 year-old stepdaughter, except *I* lived 100 yards from the beach in Southern California and I was much happier in my room than outside. I lived in a condo where there were a stream of kids my age that showed up on weekends (it was more a weekend getaway for everyone else, while I LIVED there full time).

 

For me, it was 35 years ago so I didn't have texting, but I had art supplies and books and a telephone.

 

But the thought of "making friends" with the strangers that would be gone on Monday morning was horrific.

 

Not every kid likes the same things and not every kid is comfortable making friends. She says she is a social butterfly at her mother's house? Maybe that is because the people she is friends with there are those with whom she has history. I would say you, Mapper, are trying to turn her into someone she isn't. I would work harder to exalt those things in her that you like and appreciate; build on the positive instead of zeroing in on all the negative you see.

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She's 16 not 5, you don't just walk over to strange other girls that age and just impose yourself on them.

 

You are pretty hard on this girl, she wasn't bothering you or misbehaving, she had gone out already with her Dad, what is the problem?

Do you ever ask her to do girl stuff and hang out with her, go to lunch, anything?

 

Everytime I leave the house she comes with me! We have gone to lunch and shopping for hours at a time. It would be nice if she would have people her own age though.

 

All we are asking her to do is say hi to the girl. Our houses are so close together that this other girl was sitting on her patio, almost waiting for SD to say hi, but SD would not step outside to just say hi!

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I was your 16 year-old stepdaughter, except *I* lived 100 yards from the beach in Southern California and I was much happier in my room than outside. I lived in a condo where there were a stream of kids my age that showed up on weekends (it was more a weekend getaway for everyone else, while I LIVED there full time).

 

For me, it was 35 years ago so I didn't have texting, but I had art supplies and books and a telephone.

 

But the thought of "making friends" with the strangers that would be gone on Monday morning was horrific.

 

Not every kid likes the same things and not every kid is comfortable making friends. She says she is a social butterfly at her mother's house? Maybe that is because the people she is friends with there are those with whom she has history. I would say you, Mapper, are trying to turn her into someone she isn't. I would work harder to exalt those things in her that you like and appreciate; build on the positive instead of zeroing in on all the negative you see.

 

She's so doom and gloom all the time though! She says how they won't like her anyways because she doesn't get along with girls. Or if they are under 18 they really aren't worth her time. She doesn't give anyone a chance. If she was doing something constructive that would be different but I don't call sitting in the dark playing video games and texting constructive!

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I understand why having her there is driving you up the wall. You probably feel you have to entertain her and keep an eye on her, and meanwhile she's sullen and depressed. Most teens I ever knew shunned their parents/stepparents and were constantly complaining of boredom. Basically, if they're not hanging out with friends, they're bored. I would try to relax a little and just be glad she's content to sit around texting all day because the alternative is you really DO have to watch her 24/7 and be sure she's not stealing pills, sneaking liquor or letting boys into her room at night. I would ask her what she would be doing if she was home and probably the answer won't help but you never know. This is her other home. She's going to have to get used to it. And so are you if you're going to stay plugged in there. I so sympathize because I like my privacy too much for someone to be around like that, but probably with time you'll get more used to it and if she stops sensing her every move is causing you anxiety, she may relax more too and give up on trying to guilt you!

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Everytime I leave the house she comes with me! We have gone to lunch and shopping for hours at a time. It would be nice if she would have people her own age though.

 

All we are asking her to do is say hi to the girl. Our houses are so close together that this other girl was sitting on her patio, almost waiting for SD to say hi, but SD would not step outside to just say hi!

 

To this day my mIL tries to do this with us. XYZ is great why don't you go to lunch with them.

 

blah blah son lives in NC why don't you look him up when you are there.

 

Mapper would you want to go over to some random person house when you are out of town to make friends for a week? Would you be comfortable doing that?

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Of course girls do that but I also see every other kid in the neighborhood out running around and doing things outside in nice weather. I mean my god, the girl won't even go sit on the patio and text. At least she'd be out of her room. I simply can't understand being shut up in a house all day with the blinds pulled when it's so gorgeous outside!!

 

 

Why don't you just leave her alone?

 

16 is old enough to understand what you like and come up with your own things that you want to do.

 

Stop visualizing her as a child and just let her be. Who cares if you don't agree with what she is doing, she isn't doing anything wrong, and its not really something you should be concerning yourself with anyway.

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She's 16 not 5, you don't just walk over to strange other girls that age and just impose yourself on them.

 

You are pretty hard on this girl, she wasn't bothering you or misbehaving, she had gone out already with her Dad, what is the problem?

Do you ever ask her to do girl stuff and hang out with her, go to lunch, anything?

 

 

I'm sensing what it is is that she sees this girl, this girl who is / was not like her growing up, and she wants to change her into that.

 

 

She see's that she is different, and she thinks that its not okay, and that she MUST have the same experiences growing up as the OP did.

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Why don't you just leave her alone?

 

16 is old enough to understand what you like and come up with your own things that you want to do.

 

Stop visualizing her as a child and just let her be. Who cares if you don't agree with what she is doing, she isn't doing anything wrong, and its not really something you should be concerning yourself with anyway.

 

I want to re-emphasize what Keenly said.

 

I was so much like the OP's daughter; full of doom-and-gloom and wanted nothing other to be left alone. Heck, I was a goth/punk before there was a name for it (circa 1972) - totally into things that scared the heck out of my parents (funeral science, the poetry of Baudelaire, dark imagery).

 

And my parents wanted nothing more than for me to be the shining beacon of sun-drenched golden girl of the SoCal beach scene. The more my mother tried to get me to go to the beach, the more I fought her and found things that would piss her off JUST BECAUSE.

 

But I grew out of it. Most of us grow out of it! And it sounds like what she is going through is perfectly normal for 16 year olds - and especially a 16-year old from a broken home!

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whichwayisup
SD (16 y/o) is visiting for the week and it is so frustrating seeing her spending all her time in her room! H stayed home with her yesterday and they went to a big fish market and grabbed some seafood and just looked around at some other stuff. Got home around 2PM or so I guess. It was a gorgeous, warm day. I get home at 5PM and DH is in the middle of cooking and SD's bedroom door is closed and I say "Is SD in her room?" H replies "She's been in there ever since we got back. I told her to go be social with the girl next door but she won't go". I knock on SD's door and go in and the lights are out and shades are pulled and she's lying on her bed watching tv and texting away. I tell her "It looks like a cave in here". She rolls her eyes at me because probably DH said the same thing to her earlier. She says to me "Well it's better than being out there in Nowheresville" I don't even know what that meant! Was Nowheresville outside with the next door neighbor girl or the living room or what? She asks if I want to sit down and watch tv with her. No it is the last thing I want to do is sit in a dark room and watch tv! Get off your butt and go outside! The girl has no desire to even stick her head outside!

 

I really don't understand her. She complains endlessly how absolutely bored she is and how we need to go do something but will not make any effort to go out and hang out with the neighbor girl and her friends. There were a bunch of kids next door tossing around a volleyball and she wouldn't even look out the window at them and went right back to her bedroom. The kids were running down the street after the ice cream truck and just having fun. H was out there talking with the kids over the fence and handing them some of the food he was making. She tells us what a social butterfly she is at her mom's house but here she'd rather be oh so bored than go over and make friends with someone her age. I don't know what will cure her boredom. I think the only thing she likes to do is go to the mall. She asked H yesterday if there was anything we were going to do today and DH said he was going to work. She gave a disappointed "Oh okay". I don't know if she expects us to take off work and to be taken somewhere everyday to cure her boredom or what. She says that she doesn't see the point in making friends with them when she's never going to see them again. You'll be here for a week next month and 2 weeks in August. You WILL see them again! She always tells us that there's no way she'd get along with them as they are not on her level and automatically dismisses them.

 

She's always been like this. SO many opportunities to hang out with kids, even when they come up to her, but all she does is say a quick hi and then retreats to the car or the bedroom or wherever and sulks about how absolutely booooooored she is. She could be hanging out with these kids during the day while we are at work, but doesn't and then wants us to take her somewhere when we get home. H told her on the day she got here that she could hang out with the neighbor girl and her response was "I'm going to close the blinds, binge on food and make friends with Zelda (which is her video game) while we are at work! Sounds like a hoot!

 

Gee I seem to remember H telling me that "No offense, but SD is just as social as me and WILL meet people and have boyfriends" when he was telling me about the boyfriend situation. Oh yeah...she seems just SUPER social!! She does have a boyfriend, but I'll be damned as to how she met him!

 

All her friends are where she lives with her mom.

 

Many girls won't just go 'hang out' with a neighbour just because they are the same age. I can relate to that, even being an adult!

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