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18 Year Old- Sex at Home


Quiet Storm

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Quiet Storm

My 18 year old son graduated HS three weeks ago. My two youngest kids just had their last day of school this week. So minus the week he was at Senior Week, he's had the house to himself during the day while the rest of us were at work or school.

 

The other day I was in the kitchen and heard my 11 year old daughter say "what is this?". I was shocked to see her holding a used condom in her hand. She said our dog had trotted out of my oldest sons room with it in her mouth, and my daughter had taken it away from her. It was so gross.

 

I immediately was like Ewwww and told my daughter to wash her hands immediately.

 

The dilemma is this- my husband says not to say anything to our son. He thinks we should let it go and be glad he's having safe sex. I don't want to let it go because 1) I don't want him having sex in our house and 2) it was really gross that my daughter touched it. He needs to clean up properly so our dogs don't find the evidence.

 

What do you think?

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Why don't you want him having sex in your house? Would you prefer that he went elsewhere?

 

I think a conversation is good, he shouldn't leave those lying around.

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Smilecharmer

Ewwwww...your poor daughter. Dogs are awesome at finding everything that is gross. Follow your feelings. It is your house and your rules. At least he is safe.

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Quiet Storm
Why don't you want him having sex in your house? Would you prefer that he went elsewhere?

 

I think a conversation is good, he shouldn't leave those lying around.

 

Well, he doesn't have a GF and doesnt want one because he's about to start college. But he is handsome, smart, tall. Lots of girls pretty much throw themselves at him. I guess I want to make sure no girls are being " used " in our house. But my husband says its none of our business now that he's 18.

Edited by Quiet Storm
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Quiet Storm
Ewwwww...your poor daughter. Dogs are awesome at finding everything that is gross. Follow your feelings. It is your house and your rules. At least he is safe.

 

I am glad he is safe.

 

We have talked with him about being considerate of girls feelings, and respecting, etc. We would check his phone sometimes just to see what he was up to (before he turned 18), and some girls had sent him some naked pics. He wasn't encouraging it- he was straight up saying he doesn't want a girlfriend. But we told him not to forward the pics, have respect for them, etc.

 

At that time he told us girls confused him. He admitted he'd had sex with three girls, but said he would tell girls he didnt want a GF, they would say OK we can be FWB, but later they would get upset and cry when he told them again that he didn't want to be in a relationship. I explained how sex can cause bonding hormones and they may get attached even if they don't intend to, and to try and be considerate of that.

 

He's always been a good kid, great grades, no trouble.

Edited by Quiet Storm
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Smilecharmer
I am glad he is safe.

 

We have talked with him about being considerate of girls feelings, and respecting, etc. We would check his phone sometimes just to see what he was up to (before he turned 18), and some girls had sent him some naked pics. He wasn't encouraging it- he was straight up saying he doesn't want a girlfriend. But we told him not to forward the pics, have respect for them, etc.

 

At that time he told us girls confused him. He admitted he'd had sex with three girls, but said he would tell girls he didnt want a GF, they would say OK we can be FWB, but later they would get upset and cry when he told them again that he didn't want to be in a relationship. I explained how sex can cause bonding hormones and they may get attached even if they don't intend to, and to try and be considerate of that.

 

He's always been a good kid, great grades, no trouble.

 

Yes, the FWB thing happened with our son too. He had no idea why he would be straight up with girls and they would ignore everything he said so I told him to just tell them he wants sex only and they aren't really friends. Apparently that made little impact either and they still had sex with him and they still wanted to be more but it got better after high school.

We had a don't ask, don't tell policy which was that he had to be discreet about it and never do anything when his sibling was in the house who is younger. We just didn't want him to get jailed for being in the park or parking lots. My husband was firm on this because he said it is going to happen no matter what we do. Eighteen is when he has to take responsibility as an adult for his actions and we have little control. I guess I just had to let go of the reins a little.

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Quiet Storm
Yes, the FWB thing happened with our son too. He had no idea why he would be straight up with girls and they would ignore everything he said so I told him to just tell them he wants sex only and they aren't really friends. Apparently that made little impact either and they still had sex with him and they still wanted to be more but it got better after high school.

We had a don't ask, don't tell policy which was that he had to be discreet about it and never do anything when his sibling was in the house who is younger. We just didn't want him to get jailed for being in the park or parking lots. My husband was firm on this because he said it is going to happen no matter what we do. Eighteen is when he has to take responsibility as an adult for his actions and we have little control. I guess I just had to let go of the reins a little.

 

That's what my husband says, I have to let go. I can't be mommy and control his life anymore. He says we did a good job, I just have to set him free to fly like a mama bird does :).

 

I admit its hard for me. He's my oldest, so this is new to me. I'm not ready to let go yet :(.

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Hope Shimmers
That's what my husband says, I have to let go. I can't be mommy and control his life anymore. He says we did a good job, I just have to set him free to fly like a mama bird does :).

 

I admit its hard for me. He's my oldest, so this is new to me. I'm not ready to let go yet :(.

 

I have gone through the exact same situation recently.

 

Although he's 18 he's still under your roof, so in my opinion you do have a say.

 

That said, I agree with the others that it's better that he do it there than in some parking lot somewhere. But I think you should tell him that your daughter found the 'evidence' and ask that he dispose of it in a place where the dog can't access it.

 

I would also point out that use of a condom sometimes - with some men - happens with masturbation too, so although your son has already admitted to being sexually active, that is still within the realm of possibility in this particular situation.

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I'd let it be and be happy he was practicing safe sex. I would probably buy condoms and leave them in my son's room when it's time though, because once they decide to do it, then they're gonna do it.

 

And I am so glad I have a boy because I understand why you feel bad for the girls, although they really do aggressively pursue the guys now it seems.

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Quiet Storm

Thanks for your replies. I decided not to forbid him from having sex at home, but my husband told him what happened and that he must dispose of them properly. We have had dogs his whole life-he knows dogs sniff out body odors :)

 

I am glad he's having safe sex. I know his relationships are his business now, it just worries me that girls will get hurt. They offer to be FWB but are disappointed when he doesn't want more. I just have to let go, and hope we've raised him well and that he will be thoughtful and considerate.

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thefooloftheyear
I think your house, your rules.

 

Unless he is paying rent and is in every other way like an adult border, as long as he is under your roof and you are footing the bills....your rules.

 

This....

 

Your husband isnt right here...IMO

 

Did you and your husband just slap him on the back and thank him for doing his part by avoiding an STD, or did you also warn him that if he gets the girl knocked up and she wants to keep it, that his life will be a total disaster before he even gets it off the ground?

 

Also, while I was no angel, Id never consider having sex with a girl in my own house(or hers) that we were living in with parents...Just seemed "disrespectful" in some way... Like not shytting where you eat....if you get my drift..

 

TFY

Edited by thefooloftheyear
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Quiet Storm
This....

 

Your husband isnt right here...IMO

 

Did you and your husband just slap him on the back and thank him for doing his part by avoiding an STD, or did you also warn him that if he gets the girl knocked up and she wants to keep it, that his life will be a total disaster before he even gets it off the ground?

 

Also, while I was no angel, Id never consider having sex with a girl in my own house(or hers) that we were living in with parents...Just seemed "disrespectful" in some way... Like not shytting where you eat....if you get my drift..

 

TFY

 

We've talked to him about the possibility of pregnancy many times.

 

Ive thought a lot about this over the past few days, and I decided I don't mind if he does it when nobodys home. I am OK with a dont ask don't tell policy, as long as he cleans up after himself and protects himself. He said he threw the condom in the trash can and didn't think about the dog finding it and he was sorry that happened.

 

Now that the younger ones are out of school, someone will usually be here. So he's not going to have many opportunities to have the house to himself. After summer he'll be living on campus.

 

Regarding respect, I don't feel disrespected. He's always treated us with respect and he's been a good kid. I remember being 16, hopping out of my window in the middle of the night, where my boyfriend (now husband) would be waiting for me. Then we would walk to his house, sneak me in his room and we would have sex. We just wanted a place to be alone, some privacy. Do adult kids living at home lose their right to privacy? Im not sure, but as long as he is being responsible I decided I will let this go.

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I'm of two minds on this. On the one hand, yes, he is 18. On the other hand, you have an 11-yo daughter that he is setting an example for. If he isn't being discreet enough, she'll eventually know that he's bringing strange girls home for sex. What would she learn from that, especially given that she is just going through puberty (so she is physically capable of having sexual thoughts, but too young to really be ready for it)?

 

I don't think you should allow sex in your home, in view of that. When he is on campus and there is no danger of it influencing your 11 yo then he can do whatever he pleases.

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One thing to consider when setting rules, if any, for your son is that they should then also apply to your daughter when she reaches 18. If your son can bring home random girls, your daughter should be able to bring home random boys.

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your house, your rules!

 

I am not clueless and I remember that age but what happened to teaching sex isn't a recreational activity. If you are allowing it in your house you are totally condoning the behavior and for me, that is the wrong message. You can tell him about respecting girls etc. and sure he may be honest with these girls in regards of not wanting a relationship but reality is he is having his cake ad eating it too. Sorry but if he is having sex with these girls he is hurting them. You need to get back in the mind of the 18 year old girl. They are having sex with him because they think it will him like them. Most girls of that age are not emotionally mature enough to separate sex from emotions. Hell, most 45 year old women can't.

 

Oh, an how old are these girls? Statutory rape varies by state but given his age there could be girls younger then law allows....so when that girl's parent comes knocking on your door what happens.

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Oberfeldwebel

Your rules are your rules and if that is to give him some flexibility, then that is your rule. He is 18 and will be having sex, regardless of what you say, just like most young men on this planet. I think your husband discussing proper disposal was a good path, as it would be more effective. I also think that it would be fruitful to have a discussion of just you and him on how he should treat women, in view of him going off to college. It may be uncomfortable for him or even you, but should be done from a woman's point of view. Your husband is correct that your relationship with him needs to evolve over the next few years. Be thankful for the safe sex and continue to guide his decisions, but they will be his decisions.

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whichwayisup
Why don't you want him having sex in your house? Would you prefer that he went elsewhere?

 

I think a conversation is good, he shouldn't leave those lying around.

 

If he doesn't do it at home, he's gonna do it in a car somewhere, or a cheap motel or in the park.

 

SG is right, a conversation has to happen. It doesn't have to be odd or weird, just make it clear to him that you aren't happy with this but IF he plans on having his gf over, he MUST clean up after, not leave used condoms around.

 

Hey, at least he is using protection! :)

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whichwayisup
Thanks for your replies. I decided not to forbid him from having sex at home, but my husband told him what happened and that he must dispose of them properly. We have had dogs his whole life-he knows dogs sniff out body odors :)

 

I am glad he's having safe sex. I know his relationships are his business now, it just worries me that girls will get hurt. They offer to be FWB but are disappointed when he doesn't want more. I just have to let go, and hope we've raised him well and that he will be thoughtful and considerate.

 

Yes you have a great son and you and your H have brought him up well.

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thefooloftheyear
If he doesn't do it at home, he's gonna do it in a car somewhere, or a cheap motel or in the park.

 

SG is right, a conversation has to happen. It doesn't have to be odd or weird, just make it clear to him that you aren't happy with this but IF he plans on having his gf over, he MUST clean up after, not leave used condoms around.

 

Hey, at least he is using protection! :)

 

So what?

 

Kids have been doing it that way for decades....*shrug*

 

I think this would be the perfect opportunity to have a discussion about getting his own place..Then he can do whatever he wants, with whoever he wants.....and not have to worry about it..

 

TFY

Edited by thefooloftheyear
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littleplanet

This will all be a moot point when he goes off to college. And that is not so very far off.

I went through something similar when my son was the same age - and that was the age he gained his independence, left home, went to college.

 

He knew well enough by then that my number one rule was that he respected the girls he hung out with. He didn't want a girlfriend at that age....but his level of emotional maturity had a lot to do with the fact that his 'romantic' career started at the age of 14.

(no sex at that age, of course!) :D

 

Kids grow up.

This is one of the reasons they leave home.

When they hit young adulthood, and actually want to start behaving like adults.

House rules are what they are. A necessary evil (in the eyes of offspring) otherwise it's chaos.

 

The moral overview? Every household has its own flavor.

And usually by the time a kid turns 18, it should be pretty obvious.

 

Dogs will be dogs. A much younger sibling is a bit of a bother (especially if they are close!) Lord.....I'm glad I never had that kind of embarassment with my kid sister!

 

As to girls getting hurt: unless there is predatory behavior going on, I wouldn't worry so much about that. He doesn't sound like the type - and girls are just as capable these days of acting predatory.

Kids are just not as politically correct as society would like them to be. It's a learning curve.

 

The age of consent thing still mystifies me. I grew up in an era when all that was off the table by 16. (and it was still an uproar!)......as I recall.

 

 

Good luck with all this. If you've raised a good kid, he'll stay that way, go off and pursue an education, make you proud, and continue to reflect his good upbringing.

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SummerDreams

The girls these days just confuse me. Why would they accept to just give sex to a guy without getting anything back (I mean emotionally)? Only for the pleasure of sex? I'm wondering, girls 80, 90, 100 years ago didn't have any hormones and any needs? Of course they did, but they knew that feelings are more important than an emotionless orgasm that makes you feel like garbage afterwards. Sometimes I can't decide if it's they guys' or the girls' fault at the end of the day. I mean, your son has made it clear that he doesn't want a gf and he just wants sex and there are girls who actually accept that. No self respect, no dignity, no pride. What can I say....

 

As for the matter of sex in the house, I think I'd feel uncomfortable with the idea that one day me, my husband or my youngest kids would come home earlier only to find a naked stranger in the house. I think I would let him have sex in the house only in the occasion that the whole family is away for vacation for many days.

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My parents were bizarre on their rules around this. They would "trust" my older sister to have boys and girls stay the night to watch movies (beleive me there was more than movie watching going on, i made out with a few of her friends) but if i had a girl over even during broad daylight she was not to hang out in my room. Of course when your a teenager your room is the only private space you have.

 

Later i had a much younger girlfriend who was still living with her parents and going to high school. Her mother let me stay over for the weekends but insisted we sleep in seperate beds. We shagged every time, just waited for the mom and stepdad to be fast asleep and we kept it quiet. I became quite good friends with her mom and i eventually got engaged to that girl many hears later.

 

I know it would be hard as a parent to have your children having sex in your house but my parents "if you want to do that get your own roof" rule only put me in more compromising sexual situations at a time when i was just learning. At wild house parties where everyone was drunk, stoned or both with no adults at all around sometimes far away from much of anything.,

 

I would recommend talking to him and saying something like he can do that if hes old enough to pay room and board and he had better clean up after himself better and tell him about the dog and his sister. Offer him a reasonable rate for room and board and leave it up to him. Dont get angry, argue, or.snarky like moms often can do. Just be matter of fact about it.

 

And yes do the same for the daughter when she turns 18.

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Well, he doesn't have a GF and doesnt want one because he's about to start college. But he is handsome, smart, tall. Lots of girls pretty much throw themselves at him. I guess I want to make sure no girls are being " used " in our house. But my husband says its none of our business now that he's 18.

 

Absolutely wrong IMO. If he's staying under your roof, it is absolutely your business. Would he say that if he were doing something illegal, like drinking? What if he provides alcohol to other teenagers and someone gets killed when they drive home? What if he screws a 15 year old and her parents file charges?

 

Also, as his parent, it IS your job to try and instill morals and values. If that doesn't go along with your values, then he needs to know it. Is he working? Is he paying rent? I would not let him just sit around all day the entire summer without contributing.

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Quiet Storm

Thank you everyone for your feedback. The girls weren't much younger, they were his age 17-18. He does have a job and pays his own phone, car insurance, etc. I don't want to make him pay rent, he just graduated HS a few weeks ago and hasn't even started college yet. I'd only make him pay rent if he quit school, refused to work, etc. He stays home to keep an eye on the younger two while my husband and I are at work during the day.

 

The more I think about this, I realize that my issue isn't "sex in the house". If he had a long term girlfriend, I think I'd be OK with it, as long as they were discreet. I look back on my husband & I as teens, sneaking out to do it and I feel like it wasn't that bad because we were BF/GF and ended up married. But is that fair for me to push that value on him- that it's only OK to have sex within a relationship? I told him that I do think two people can choose to have a FWB relationship, but I think it takes a level of maturity he & these girls don't have yet.

 

So, digging deep, I realize that my main concern is the fact that the girls are not in a relationship with him. Not that I want him to get a GF, as I would prefer he didn't have a serious relationship at this age. I am bothered that he has FWB and that so many girls agree to be FWB. I don't like that sometimes these girls get emotionally hurt when he doesn't want a full relationship.

 

I talked to him last night, and I explained that I don't like the idea of him having sex with "randoms" in the house. That it sets a bad example for the other two kids. He understood that and agreed not to have sex at home anymore.

 

He assures me that he respects women and treats them well. He even showed me texts where he clearly tells girls he doesn't want a relationship or a GF. He asks me, "Why is it still my fault when they get upset? How am I supposed to know they don't really want to be FWB? How can I tell which girls will get upset later and which ones won't? I like having FWB but I don't like that some girls get upset over it."

 

And I explained to him again that sex can cause emotional attachment. I told him that girls that are really quick to send sexy pics probably have low self esteem, and that they are really seeking love & attention even though they say FWB is OK with them. I told him girls sometimes think that when a guy is paying a lot of attention to her, that he wants to be with her. I told him that although he gives the disclaimer of "I don't want a GF", he shouldn't act like he does. He is naturally caring & thoughtful, and I said he has to be careful not to send the wrong signals. For example, telling a girl things like "I really like you a lot", "we have so much in common" may be just stating the facts on your end, but she may take comments like that to mean that you want a future with her.

 

He definitely does not want to hurt anyone's feelings. He just seems confused as to WHY their feelings would be hurt if they knew all along that he didn't want a future with her. He doesn't want to be responsible for hurting someone, and wants to avoid that, but still have FWB.

 

So I told him "There's no guarantee and the this is one of the consequences of casual sex. Girls will get attached, and you will end up hurting their feelings when you don't want to be with them. Even if you warn them. Even if you mutually agree to be FWB. There is no way to avoid the possibility of them getting hurt, unless you stop having casual sex". I said that hurting someone's feelings isn't the only risk, imagine if the condom broke & she got pregnant. Would he really want to risk having a child with a woman he doesn't want a future with?". I've said all this to him before, but he has this attitude that casual sex is just something "fun to do", so I am hoping its sinking in. I told him I am glad he is being safe, but I wish that he took sex more seriously. It is not without risk or consequence.

Edited by Quiet Storm
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