Mapper71 Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 So my H's 16 year old daughter doesn't want to spend that much time with us this summer because she has a boyfriend in her hometown. H told her that at her age she needs to focus more on family and school than boys and that he wants to have a talk with her when she comes to visit. He asked me what I would say to her. I go "Well you can tell her that I didn't even go out on a date until I was 19 and didn't even have a real relationship that lasted more than 1 or 2 dates until I was 23 and I turned out okay." I barely got that out before H goes "I am NOT going to tell her that! Her mom cycles through boyfriends and, no offense to you, but she is outgoing like me and is going to meet people." I was so upset by that comment! Yes I have been shy all my life. I was awkward and weird growing up and I don't think I ever spoke to a boy until college and I told him as much. He then goes "And look at you now". I say Yup look at me now...I'm still shy and awkward!" He made me feel absolutely horrible! I'm glad your daughter is leaps and bounds ahead of me in the social department! Maybe that's why I feel you treat her like an adult more often than you treat me as one! I do NOT need to be reminded of my shyness. God knows enough people joke about how quiet I STILL am and I'm 42 years old. Nothing in this world gets me more angry than people thinking they are being funny by making jokes about me being quiet! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 You have a lot of issues regarding your husband's daughter. For the kid's sake you have to get an handle on it. I'm not casting aspursions. Your husband did put his foot in his mouth with that comment but I'm worried that your relationship will be torn apart because you are trying to figure out where this kid fits in your family. Personally, I'd talk to her. Give her a safe place to ask Qs & give her honest answers When I dated a single father I gave factual answers to Qs that had them & deferred on the moral / ethical Qs, offering to help the kid talk to the parents about the tough stuff. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tushai Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 Sounds to me like you lack confidence and your H isn't doing much to help you build it up. There's nothing wrong with being a quieter type person. I bet you think alot more before you speak than your not-so-quiet H lol. Being "quiet" and being "shy" dont necessarily go hand in hand. One is personality, the other is low self esteem. Dont allow people to make fun of you.. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 29, 2014 Share Posted June 29, 2014 16 is exactly when girls are focused on boys and dating when they're at all social. No one should tell her to stop dating. But he should be meeting her boys or her mom should to be sure they're okay kids. You are confusing issues. I do sympathize with your situation of having a new person in the house and now that you've said you're shy and all that it makes even more sense why this is a strain on you. But you're wrong about what she should be doing and need to relax and let (make) him take care of her. He really shouldn't be making you take care of her all the time, and you know that, so your issue is with him, not her. She is in the middle and miserable about it. Someone's kid needs to get priority from their parents. It's not that they need to let the kid run the household and it's not that a stepparent should be equally obligated on taking care of her, but those are issues with him. I would be very uncomfortable having any human stay with me for longer than a couple of days. But you're married to him and you had to know he had a kid when you married him. This isn't easy for him either, and I'm guessing right now he wishes he'd married a nanny. You need to make it clear what you are and are not willing to do with and for this girl and not let him just dump her on you -- but also, if you can't live with what is reasonable for the girl, you have the option to leave and she really doesn't. It's not fair if he is expecting you to do most of the caretaking, cooking, cleaning up after her, and driving her everywhere and keeping her entertained. He needs to be doing most of that. If you have agreed to do that, it still doesn't entitle you to get involved with her discipline and when she dates, etc. She has two parents for that and it would cause a lot of tension with her mother that he doesn't need. Are you not working? If not, this would be a good time to start so he could figure out what was realistic and what wasn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted June 29, 2014 Author Share Posted June 29, 2014 16 is exactly when girls are focused on boys and dating when they're at all social. No one should tell her to stop dating. But he should be meeting her boys or her mom should to be sure they're okay kids. You are confusing issues. I do sympathize with your situation of having a new person in the house and now that you've said you're shy and all that it makes even more sense why this is a strain on you. But you're wrong about what she should be doing and need to relax and let (make) him take care of her. He really shouldn't be making you take care of her all the time, and you know that, so your issue is with him, not her. She is in the middle and miserable about it. Someone's kid needs to get priority from their parents. It's not that they need to let the kid run the household and it's not that a stepparent should be equally obligated on taking care of her, but those are issues with him. I would be very uncomfortable having any human stay with me for longer than a couple of days. But you're married to him and you had to know he had a kid when you married him. This isn't easy for him either, and I'm guessing right now he wishes he'd married a nanny. You need to make it clear what you are and are not willing to do with and for this girl and not let him just dump her on you -- but also, if you can't live with what is reasonable for the girl, you have the option to leave and she really doesn't. It's not fair if he is expecting you to do most of the caretaking, cooking, cleaning up after her, and driving her everywhere and keeping her entertained. He needs to be doing most of that. If you have agreed to do that, it still doesn't entitle you to get involved with her discipline and when she dates, etc. She has two parents for that and it would cause a lot of tension with her mother that he doesn't need. Are you not working? If not, this would be a good time to start so he could figure out what was realistic and what wasn't. That's the best thing about it is that I'm working! I used to work from home for years but last year got a full time job and my first day of work was the first day of her month-long visit! I can't tell you how great the timing of that was!! Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Yes, that is good. Because it kind of hopefully puts the onus back on him to take care of his daughter. I feel sorry for the girl. Divorces are always just miserable for the children. All she probably wants is her friends, but she does have her smartphone and all that, so she'll just have to adjust. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 Yes, that is good. Because it kind of hopefully puts the onus back on him to take care of his daughter. I feel sorry for the girl. Divorces are always just miserable for the children. All she probably wants is her friends, but she does have her smartphone and all that, so she'll just have to adjust. They were never married so there never was a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 He made me feel absolutely horrible! I'm glad your daughter is leaps and bounds ahead of me in the social department! Maybe that's why I feel you treat her like an adult more often than you treat me as one! The posts about the daughter make it seem that you're in competition with her. It may be that the dad encourages that, but you can't feed into it, and you really need to stop it, if you care about this girl and yourself. It's not a healthy dynamic. You say you're working, so I assume you are able to be independent. What is it that you get from this relationship that makes it worth staying? Every post I've read that you've made about your relationship makes it sound terrible to me. If I felt the way in a relationship the way that I think you feel, I would leave. It doesn't sound as though you feel valued or respected. Why do you stay? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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