Kids are always 1st?

[BearMox]

I see this recurring theme in dating single parents:

 

"You will always be second place after my kids"

 

I'm not sure I would ever want to be told this if I was dating a single parent.

 

Feels like they are taking on an elevated calling in life as a servant to a child's needs that will severely curtail the opportunity in a potential LTR.

 

We don't tell a potential spouse that they will always be 2nd place to our life's work. It seems expected that the duty involved in developing your life's work is good and healthy to a relationship.

 

Am I missing something?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

It's a phrase people use to let perspective partners know that their time will be devoted first and foremost to their kids and meeting their children's needs. It's a way of saying, "if my kid gets sick, I will cancel a date with you to take care of them no question."

 

It basically lets YOU as a potential mate know that you might get ditched at any moment. And that they have obligations that extend beyond that of the typical working adult stuff. I mean let's face it, there are a lot of deadbeat moms and dads out there who either don't see their kids at all or prioritize their lovers/partners over their children at every turn. It's sad really.

 

How many women do you know who happily pawn their children off on the ex or whatever relative/neighbor is available in order to go chasing after some man? How many men have you heard of who don't spend time with their kids or pay child support because they're far too preoccupied by the pursuit of some flighty girl?

 

People who say "my kids come first" are generally the trying to let you know that they're not like that.

Edited June 16, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra

[littleplanet]

I see this recurring theme in dating single parents:

 

"You will always be second place after my kids"

 

I'm not sure I would ever want to be told this if I was dating a single parent.

 

Feels like they are taking on an elevated calling in life as a servant to a child's needs that will severely curtail the opportunity in a potential LTR.

 

We don't tell a potential spouse that they will always be 2nd place to our life's work. It seems expected that the duty involved in developing your life's work is good and healthy to a relationship.

 

Am I missing something?

 

 

Yeah Bear - you are missing something.

People who love their kids......put that responsibility before everything else.

It just comes with the territory. They are not a 'servant' to their children - they are just the most important person in their childrens' lives.

A prospective romantic interest better be able to acknowledge and respect that.

(And believe me, it isn't really so very difficult if you really love kids.)

 

Kids are not just cute accoutrements that adorn the domestic front.

They're not convenient accessories that complete the outfit.

They're smallish human beings with particular needs (of the significant adults in their lives.)

 

And I can tell you..........placing as high as second in the life of a good lovin' responsible single parent can be like winning the lottery (for the right candidate.)

[Grumpybutfun]

Think of the way your kids are to you, then think if that is really unheard of. Yes, we want to be special to our women but we brought those little beings into the world and we are their protectors so we want people to know that you better not mess with me if you cant take a family, a unit. I am very attracted to women like that because if I want to be a part of her life I want to be in her kids lives too because they are soooooooooooo important. My wife used to tell me, don't get lost because my kids need a poppy more than you need to save the world. Trust me, I learned that my babies are my wives angels and though I know I am her man, I better know too that her man takes care of those angels at all times. Best job ever. Love those lil anklebiters.

Best,

Grumps

[Iguanna]

The question is, would you respect a woman who would NOT put her children first? If yes, I guess you will find a woman one day who won't put her kids first and you will totally deserve each other. Poor kids, though. :S

[todreaminblue]

my kids have served partners of mine brekkie not very good brekkie but burnt toast made with love is always special.....it is brekkie none the less they make them coffee they ask them how they are , i am nto a servant to my kids, my kids are beautiful and sometimes highly annoying and i love them would die for them,nearly did already, but i would also quite easily stand in front of a partner i loved as well, if my kids have done something wrong i let them know and that includes slights, i do a lot for my kids its part of being a parent and its unpaid, at times really hard but you do it because you are responsible to do it that includes teaching them how to treat others, how to be good adults and how to be shown to be good adults by acting in such a manner that they pick it up naturally I expect any partner i have to be on board with me, I never make a partner feel any other way....they have to accept my kids adn understand yeah i would stand in font of them as i would him, if they dont appreciate me or my kids in their life, they need to walk.....deb

[pink_sugar]

I do not think people need to say this at all. It should go without saying that your kids should always come first...relationships can come and go, but your kids don't. But blatantly saying that to someone is just tacky.

[GoBlue]

Yes - you are missing something - children. If you were a parent you would understand this commitment. It's not that the children will always have that top priority, it's just that it has to be that way until the LTR is established and it is clear that the relationship will last. What would you think of a single-parent who put you ahead of their children?

[iiiii]

I wouldn't want to date a single parent that didn't put their kids first.

 

Having said that, I'd also expect them to make sufficient kid-free time for me.

 

I think the fear of coming second is one reason why childfree people often don't want to date single parents. After all, if you are willing to treat your partner as the most important thing in your life, you don't want to be number two to them.

[preraph]

If a parent says this up front, you should definitely take it to heart. Because children are a responsibility and can't care for themselves, to most parents, their needs will be taken care of first. Any parent who doesn't do that isn't a very responsible person.

 

That said, there are many, many people who take it too far and it's no longer just being a responsible parent but it's living their lives through their kids, being a weak parent and caving in to their kids' every whim. This trend seems to have gotten to be more and more prevalent in the US in the last 20 years. When I grew up, kids weren't allowed to interrupt adults and go to nice restaurants and were often expected to go outside or to their rooms to entertain themselves rather than constantly yelling or clutching at the mother for attention. This makes for a more functional adult than continuing to reward them with attention and goods for being demanding and disrespectful.

 

So yes the pendulum has swung too far in some households, but all I can tell you is that this will not be anything you have control over, so if you want to be number one or at least somewhere near the top of the list of priorities, don't date people with kids. Chances are, that woman is looking for a paycheck and someone who is willing to help with the kids to lighten her burden and isn't planning on giving you much back in return.

[NoMoreJerks]

I wouldn't want to date a single parent that didn't put their kids first.

 

Having said that, I'd also expect them to make sufficient kid-free time for me.

This.

 

I am currently dating a single dad, and while he never used that phrase with me, he did imply it several times. But this has meant that the only time he makes time for a proper date that does not involve spending time together with his kid, is when his kid is at his mom's and he's not working evenings (he works evenings 3 days a week, and has his kid for another 3 days / 4 nights a week -- that leaves one night, after 9pm, for us to have a "date" where he doesn't have to work the next morning and his kid isn't over). While I am mature enough to understand and respect that he will make a lot of time for his kid, I don't think it's always a hard rule that cannot be bent in favor of making some extra time for a nice date or whatever. My current guy actually has had his friends babysit his kid for him when he's over, in order to go to events or to hang out with other friends, so why can't he do that with me? So far, he has not, because I have felt pressured to fit him into my schedule, and always bend my schedule to his, because I don't want him to think that I want him to put his kid second. IMO, a lot of single parents take advantage of that, and the relationship often breaks down because the other party feels taken for granted (for a good reason).

Edited June 22, 2014 by NoMoreJerks

[juicygirl]

If it's a problem for you op just don't date single parents.

 

It's o.k to not want to date single parents, it's not for everybody.

The 'my kids come first' statement normally goes without saying, would you really want to date a parent who didn't put their child first and just dumped them all over the place to go dating!

 

As a single parent the key is balance, if you don't get any free time and want to date you'll end up dating with your kids or having booty calls once the kid is in bed(try and avoid this).

 

I've never posted the statement in a profile online, but I did have to say something similar to a date once. We had a nice evening and he wanted to hang out all night long, I politely declined, but he kept trying his luck, in the end I had to blow him off with a similar statement, it put me off him because as a parent you don't want to date someone who doesn't get that your kids are a priority, funny thing is he was a single dad.

[iris219]

Kids needs come before a romantic partner's wants. Family needs come first. If my partner's mom had an accident, he would need to go visit her, possibly canceling a date with me.

 

It does not mean that the child's every whim is given in to at the expense of the relationship.

 

My relationship with my partner, who has kids, comes first. We have already discussed our relationship being the priority over his kids and any kids we have. I think this is probably harder for moms to do than dads.

[SadNLonley]

Me and my exbf both have kids. We knew they were our number 1 priority. It was a mutual respect we had from the very beginning.

 

In the end, it was our children that came first before our relationship. I couldnt leave the school district my kids were in without losing custody of them. He couldnt move to my area because we were 30 minutes away. His kids with their mom even further. Couldnt be that far away from them and all their sports and such. In the end, that was the end of our relationship because we didnt make it work with just seeing each other 1/2 the time because of the kids.

 

Absolutely broke my heart more than words can say, but in the end, its the kids (imo) that come first and everything else second even if it means you suffer.

[NoMoreJerks]

If by "my kids come first" a single parent means that he / she will not go out on dates with you in order to satisfy his/her kid's every whim and always be around in case the kid gets upset because he / she is being "abandoned" or whatever (which my current partner's 10 year old kid does in a manipulative way,because he wants to always be the center of attention), then maybe that parent should not be dating in the first place. If you can't put your partner's needs first at least some of the time, and you want to cater to your kid's every whim and spoil them, then you shouldn't be dating.

 

Kids manipulate parents a lot of the time. I know my partner's kid does.

[jbelle6]

If by "my kids come first" a single parent means that he / she will not go out on dates with you in order to satisfy his/her kid's every whim and always be around in case the kid gets upset because he / she is being "abandoned" or whatever (which my current partner's 10 year old kid does in a manipulative way,because he wants to always be the center of attention), then maybe that parent should not be dating in the first place. If you can't put your partner's needs first at least some of the time, and you want to cater to your kid's every whim and spoil them, then you shouldn't be dating.

 

Kids manipulate parents a lot of the time. I know my partner's kid does.

 

 

 

And I have seen plenty of adults on here come right out and say they are jealous of their partners relationship with their child. Goes both ways.

Will I put my partner first? Of course, kids need to see healthy relationships, but will I do so within a few months? Absolutely not. I don't expect my partner to put me first over their career or family either.

Don't date people who don't have their act together, this includes their home/family life.

[NoMoreJerks]

And I have seen plenty of adults on here come right out and say they are jealous of their partners relationship with their child. Goes both ways.

Well, I would not say that I am jealous, but when someone does what I just described above, I feel taken for granted and I also feel like I am being left out and that I will never be accepted fully. I think that's a legitimate feeling.

 

My partner has introduced me to his kid as a friend. His kid does not know that I am more than that. He had a meeting the other day, and I offered to babysit his kid. At first he told me he preferred that his female friend babysit him ( which offended me since it felt like he did not trust me ) , then he accepted my offer a week later , because his friend was not free to babysit. He has not moved on to the stage of telling his kid we're more than friends, and that's wearing my patience thin, because I would have preferred not to go to the stage of being introduced to his kid, if it was going to take months and months for him to then tell his kid that we've been dating in fact. Besides, what is his kid gonna feel when he realizes that he had been lied to the whole time and that I was in fact more than just a friend??? He's 10, so it's not as if he will not feel like he was lied to. He is old enough to understand that stuff. Which makes me wonder if he will ever tell the kid. I think the only reason he even introduced me to his kid is so that he would not have to go out of his way to arrange someone to babysit his kid, in order to go out on dates with me. Now he just asks me over to dine with them, and cooks dinner for us. Which is fine once or twice a month, but not when it's all the time and we don't have other one-on-one dates... When I am around, his kid is always the center of attention. We have to entertain him, and he acts out deliberately when we don't. We can't talk about adult things because he's always around, let alone have any intimacy or flirtation. When I am there, I am just like a friend. What's the point. If I wanted a friend to hang out with, I would hang out with friends who don't have kids -- instead of bothering with entertaining another person's kid all evening.

Edited June 22, 2014 by NoMoreJerks

[thefooloftheyear]

Well, I would not say that I am jealous, but when someone does what I just described above, I feel taken for granted and I also feel like I am being left out and that I will never be accepted fully. I think that's a legitimate feeling.

 

My partner has introduced me to his kid as a friend. His kid does not know that I am more than that. He had a meeting the other day, and I offered to babysit his kid. At first he told me he preferred that his female friend babysit him ( which offended me since it felt like he did not trust me ) , then he accepted my offer a week later , because his friend was not free to babysit. He has not moved on to the stage of telling his kid we're more than friends, and that's wearing my patience thin, because I would have preferred not to go to the stage of being introduced to his kid, if it was going to take months and months for him to then tell his kid that we've been dating in fact. Besides, what is his kid gonna feel when he realizes that he had been lied to the whole time and that I was in fact more than just a friend??? He's 10, so it's not as if he will not feel like he was lied to. He is old enough to understand that stuff. Which makes me wonder if he will ever tell the kid. I think the only reason he even introduced me to his kid is so that he would not have to go out of his way to arrange someone to babysit his kid, in order to go out on dates with me. Now he just asks me over to dine with them, and cooks dinner for us. Which is fine once or twice a month, but not when it's all the time and we don't have other one-on-one dates... When I am around, his kid is always the center of attention. We have to entertain him, and he acts out deliberately when we don't. We can't talk about adult things because he's always around, let alone have any intimacy or flirtation. When I am there, I am just like a friend. What's the point. If I wanted a friend to hang out with, I would hang out with friends who don't have kids -- instead of bothering with entertaining another person's kid all evening.

 

Simple solution...

 

Dont date guys with kids...

 

TFY

[NoMoreJerks]

Simple solution...

 

Dont date guys with kids...

 

TFY

Well, I suppose -- or maybe he shouldn't date, if he can't even go out on a date with a woman without shlepping his kid with him or his only idea of a date is have her come over to spend time with him and his kid. You make it sound like the problem is on my end. I have no problem with his kid at all. In fact, I've gone out of my way to do nice things for the kid and to reassure my partner that I am totally OK with him having to put his kid first in important situations, etc. But there's only so much one can bend over backwards. That's the bottom line. You also say this as if all single parents are like this -- as if all single parents will spoil their kids in this way, or shy away from confrontation with the kids, and so will never tell their kid that they are dating, that she is more than just a friend. etc. I really don't think that is the case. My friend dates a single dad, and he makes time for her. They do spend time together in the presence of the kids (and the kids who are younger than my partner's kid, were told at some point that they were dating!) but they also have one-on-one dates -- and this is a couple that has been dating for a year now -- he could have settled into a routine of "let's just spend time with the kids instead of going out on a date", but he hasn't. He makes her feel special, by dedicating some alone-time to her. He knows how to balance it.

[thefooloftheyear]

Well, I suppose -- or maybe he shouldn't date, if he can't even go out on a date with a woman without shlepping his kid with him or his only idea of a date is have her come over to spend time with him and his kid. You make it sound like the problem is on my end. I have no problem with his kid at all. In fact, I've gone out of my way to do nice things for the kid and to reassure my partner that I am totally OK with him having to put his kid first in important situations, etc. But there's only so much one can bend over backwards. That's the bottom line. You also say this as if all single parents are like this -- as if all single parents will spoil their kids in this way, or shy away from confrontation with the kids, and so will never tell their kid that they are dating, that she is more than just a friend. etc. I really don't think that is the case. My friend dates a single dad, and he makes time for her. They do spend time together in the presence of the kids (and the kids who are younger than my partner's kid, were told at some point that they were dating!) but they also have one-on-one dates -- and this is a couple that has been dating for a year now -- he could have settled into a routine of "let's just spend time with the kids instead of going out on a date", but he hasn't. He makes her feel special, by dedicating some alone-time to her. He knows how to balance it.

 

 

But you are complaining about it...And I am not criticising you...You are entitled to want what you want...but to use another scenario and compare it to yours isnt really fair...Parents dont always prioritize things the same way...

 

The way he(your guy) is seeing this is his kids are his priority..You are only a person he met...You may or may not even be around 6 months or a year from now...His kids are his responsibility forever,,Big difference..

 

A friend of mine who recently divorced is having the same issues you are..he has no kids and is dating single/divorced moms...He doesnt get it...I just told him to completely avoid women with kids...end of story..

 

You want more than he can give you, it sounds like, and you dont like the competition from the kids for his time...You are going to drive yourself nuts over it, if you ask me...

 

Good luck either way..

 

TFY

[carhill]

OP, I dated a fair amount of single mothers and had relationships with a couple and I don't ever recall hearing that line, though the women's actions clearly demonstrated the priority that their children were.

 

My particular viewpoint is that dating morphs into a relationship and that, if it morphs into a marriage, changes the family dynamics, especially if the couple has children together. My personal perspective is that children are very important, should be cared for and protected and that the marital relationship of the adults is the central priority of the family. The children are adjunct to that relationship and do not supersede it. The adults are the center of the family and the children are the product of that center. Thus, when the children are modeled and molded and formed and become their own adults, the marital center remains intact.

 

Such a philosophy is why I respected the priority the single mothers I dated placed on their children, as it was completely healthy and appropriate, whether with the children's other parent co-parenting or not. I supported them in that role and sacrificed personal desires to facilitate it. The balance was respect and appreciation for that sacrifice from them and they also prioritizing 'adult time' when we both chose that. The children had 'their time' and we had 'our time'. IME, it worked out fine.

 

If you're meeting women whose philosophies and yours don't match up, examine that, make changes if you feel them prudent and move forward. If there's no meeting of the minds, there's not. If there is, there is. With billions of humans, both possibilities are inevitable. Good luck.

[NoMoreJerks]

But you are complaining about it..

Well, I am not complaining about dating single parents in general. One guy's behaviour doesn't mean that all single parents are like that, or that I should not date single parents (it's not like I go out of my way to date only single parents, either). You could've just said, then don't date the guy, rather than generalizing and saying, don't date single parents. Besides, you should be telling single parents to change their selfish behavior, if they want to date, rather than telling someone who can't comply with their whims, not to date them. After all, dating is not imposed on the single parent either. He does it of his own accord, right? So if he wants to keep dating, he should make sure to balance his kid with the woman he is seeing, and failing to do so, not demonize women and make it look like they are jealous of their kid or whatever. There are women like that, but that is rarely the case. My partner made it look like his ex was like that, but having met her (she's his neighbor and I met her when I was over and we were sitting outside in the shared backyard), I really don't think she's the immature type to get jealous. It probably was the same situation that is ultimately going to get me to dump him.

 

Again, you are making it look like I don't understand his parenting demands. But come on. It's one thing to be a good parent, it's quite another to become a slave to a spoiled, manipulative kid (and kids can be manipulative). You can be there for your kid and still make time for adult-only time. I am sure even the president of the U.S. can manage it....

 

IMO, if the single parent is not making the effort to make time for you at least some of the time, then they are selfish, lazy, or just not that interested. And what is worse, their parenting philosophy is completely at odds with yours. Loving your kids and being there for them and taking care of their needs, is not the same as becoming their slave and catering to all their whims and not having a life of your own. If a single parent is making that excuse in order to get you to behave a certain way, then he is either not that interested in you, is lazy, or is manipulating you (to see how much he can get away with) and taking you for granted. I have zero tolerance for spoiled kids, I must add, and his kid is spoiled and loves being the center of attention all the time. Whether that's because he has abandonment complex or what, I am not sure. I don't much care. A kid that age should know that his parent has other things to do aside from babysitting him 24 hrs a day. What kind of adult will that kid turn into? No wonder there are so many self-centered, manipulative narcissists around these days. Kids need to hear NO from time to time.

Edited June 22, 2014 by NoMoreJerks

[BearMox]

If it's a problem for you op just don't date single parents.

 

I'm a single parent asking the question for myself.

 

Don't misunderstand me, I embrace the responsibility wholly and pull no punches on the time commitments involved.

 

I'm exploring the implications of the blanket statement: "kids are first". For me, it communicates something to the effect: "this is the greatest thing in my life, the thing I was born to do, the thing I love most".

 

I'm here gut checking my belief that putting kids first involves more things than allocating all my time to doing things with them.

 

Could you be putting your kids first by exploring the possibility of a marriage to someone that improves the warmth, love and security in the home? Is it possible that this relationship, if it resulted in a vibrant healthy marriage, would be as important as your kids or more?

 

When I rate myself as a parent I'm thinking about lots of things:

 

* Do I creating wealth reliably

* Do I exhibit and cultivate good traits: kindness, slow to anger, patient, loving, cleanliness, security, honesty, etc

* Am I honest in pursing things I love and cultivating skill

* Am I making opportunity available for my children in terms of healthy relationships, skill, wisdom, understanding, etc

* Am I loving my children well?

 

I think based on my philosophy if you want to get married [as a single parent] you should do it because its something you want, not something you've fallen into. Thus I reason, if its truly important to you then it deserves prioritization.

 

IMO, if the single parent is not making the effort to make time for you at least some of the time, then they are selfish, lazy, or just not that interested. And what is worse, their parenting philosophy is completely at odds with yours. Loving your kids and being there for them and taking care of their needs, is not the same as becoming their slave and catering to all their whims and not having a life of your own.

 

Hard to affirm this without clarifying the the circumstances.

 

Single parents that have the kids full time usually feel so much weight between work and kids that it is difficult for them to see outside of their schedule. I empathize with single parents in this situation. Its a real challenge -- you're always juggling and dropping lots of balls.

 

If the parent has shared custody with another parent and can't prioritize the time it would be a red flag for me.

[NoMoreJerks]

Single parents that have the kids full time usually feel so much weight between work and kids that it is difficult for them to see outside of their schedule. I empathize with single parents in this situation. Its a real challenge -- you're always juggling and dropping lots of balls.

 

If the parent has shared custody with another parent and can't prioritize the time it would be a red flag for me.

Yeah, totally agreed. The case I was referring to is a shared custody situation. I really wouldn't blame if a single parent has sole custody and therefore is struggling to find the time. Still, even there, it's possible to make some time, find a babysitter every once in a while, etc. It's like saying people who have kids and are married, will not have any time for each other. I know parents who have someone babysit for them, in order to go out and have a nice romantic dinner or go see a show or whatever. It's not impossible, though it's definitely harder when you are a single parent with sole custody. Even within that category there are situations that are more difficult. It depends on whether or not the single parent has immediate family around him/her (parents) who are willing to babysit the kids, etc.

 

In my case, I really don't know how my partner and his ex have been managing it between themselves, but they have shared custody and they have split the time almost evenly between them, it seems. However, it seems that increasingly, his ex is dumping their kid on my partner most days. Especially with school being out, and the fact that she has another kid (a 3 year old) with another man whom she lives with, he is spending a lot of time now with my partner. Which is still odd, considering that she is a teacher at a school so she does not really work much in the summer.. Apparently, though, she is pregnant with her third child (second kid with her new husband), so it's looking like she's just gonna completely forget about her eldest and will dump him on her ex (my partner). Which is a problem from my perspective. He mentioned this to me yesterday, and said that he couldn't see me much when he was working (he has 3hr morning and 3 hr evening shifts 3 days of the week and the other 4 days he had his kid over) and now that it's summer and he does not work, he is going to have his kid over most of the time (!). So this is a dealbreaker for me, if it means that the only time we're going to spend together is in his kid's company, especially that his kid does not know that we're together. No. Just no.Sorry, but this means he is not willing to put in any effort. He could always send the kid over to his ex for a day or for one weekend... or something... we'll see how this pans out, but it's not looking good at the moment.

[thefooloftheyear]

Yeah, totally agreed. The case I was referring to is a shared custody situation. I really wouldn't blame if a single parent has sole custody and therefore is struggling to find the time. Still, even there, it's possible to make some time, find a babysitter every once in a while, etc. It's like saying people who have kids and are married, will not have any time for each other. I know parents who have someone babysit for them, in order to go out and have a nice romantic dinner or go see a show or whatever. It's not impossible, though it's definitely harder when you are a single parent with sole custody. Even within that category there are situations that are more difficult. It depends on whether or not the single parent has immediate family around him/her (parents) who are willing to babysit the kids, etc.

 

In my case, I really don't know how my partner and his ex have been managing it between themselves, but they have shared custody and they have split the time almost evenly between them, it seems. However, it seems that increasingly, his ex is dumping their kid on my partner most days. Especially with school being out, and the fact that she has another kid (a 3 year old) with another man whom she lives with, he is spending a lot of time now with my partner. Which is still odd, considering that she is a teacher at a school so she does not really work much in the summer.. Apparently, though, she is pregnant with her third child (second kid with her new husband), so it's looking like she's just gonna completely forget about her eldest and will dump him on her ex (my partner). Which is a problem from my perspective. He mentioned this to me yesterday, and said that he couldn't see me much when he was working (he has 3hr morning and 3 hr evening shifts 3 days of the week and the other 4 days he had his kid over) and now that it's summer and he does not work, he is going to have his kid over most of the time (!). So this is a dealbreaker for me, if it means that the only time we're going to spend together is in his kid's company, especially that his kid does not know that we're together. No. Just no.Sorry, but this means he is not willing to put in any effort. He could always send the kid over to his ex for a day or for one weekend... or something... we'll see how this pans out, but it's not looking good at the moment.

 

 

Translation:

 

The kids are more important right now than a serious relationship...He just doesnt want to tell you this, so he is stalling you...

 

You can either decide if its what you want or not...but I think you are wasting your time if you think he will change...

 

.02

 

TFY