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Different Rules for Children in Blended Families


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How do you raise children in a blended family with different rules?

 

My FI’s children are 7 and 12 and I do not agree with several aspects of his parenting. How will we navigate this when we have children?

 

I want no junky food in the house. For example, I do not believe in feeding children sugary cereal and soda. He allows his children to.

 

There will never be any spanking. His children are rarely spanked (the older one is really too old now), but he will if he deems it necessary. I do not believe in hitting children and mine will never be spanked.

 

He can, in my opinion, be very strict and unreasonable about certain things, but very lenient about others. He has a “because I said so” attitude rather than explaining why the behavior is wrong with things like whininess and back-talking. But, he’ll let them get out of things like cleaning and bathing. I feel there needs to be more consistency and more appropriate consequences.

 

How are we going to raise children together with different parenting styles and with children who are already used to one way?

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You MUST discuss this in full and come to an agreement, even if you write it down and review from time to time.

 

This is a classic deal-breaker, and can divide families quicker than murder.

 

Please, make sure you reach a fully satisfactory compromise, even if you have to do it with a family Counsellor.

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Yes, an agreement will be necessary.

 

But then I am still worried about his children and changing their environment.

 

For example, should they have to stop eating food they are used to because I won't allow it in the house? I've managed to eliminate a lot of junk food, but he still buys a few things. Or, should they still be allowed to eat it while I forbid my child from doing so? I don't see how that will work.

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This is all going to be part of your discussion. Control and giving leeway...

 

trivial as it may seem, these factors can, and have, broken people up.

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jellybean89

You need counseling with a counselor who specializes in step families.

 

Not to be mean, but your demands -- no junk food, no spanking (which is different than HITTING!) are a bit unrealistic. Kids will eat junk food at school, a friends, etc. I understand preferring they didn't, but to make his kids follow your rules for imaginary kids is not fair to them.

 

Until you have kids, you won't understand why he chooses to parent the way he does. You two will have to both compromise on various things. We all can say "when I have a kid, this IS how it will be" but until you do, it's all immaterial.

 

I have a feeling you and him will not end up as a happy family if you both can't be flexible and communicate. Children are a huge blessing and a HUGE stressor Ina marriage...and blended families have double the kid stressors.

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Yes, an agreement will be necessary.

 

But then I am still worried about his children and changing their environment.

 

For example, should they have to stop eating food they are used to because I won't allow it in the house? I've managed to eliminate a lot of junk food, but he still buys a few things. Or, should they still be allowed to eat it while I forbid my child from doing so? I don't see how that will work.

 

Spanking is completely different thing to 'not eating junk food'.

One, is a principle of discipline, the other is - well, if you want me to be completely honest, that's imposing YOUR tastes onto others.

 

Your kids WILL eat junk food, whether you like it or not.

Once they start seeing other kids, going out to see buddies for tea, hanging out at the mall.... junk food will be like manna from heaven to them.

it's actually an impossible rule to implement for good.

 

And you might think that if they don't acquire a taste for it now, they will be 'immune' to it later - think again.

 

Why do you think it tastes the way it does?

To appeal to the masses, that's why.

Junk food tastes good, and people love it.

 

I actually think you're going to have to compromise on this aspect, and maybe allow it once a week as weekend treat or something.

 

As for physical discipline, that's a Principle.

You don't spank your kids, and you refuse to spank his.

 

And you'll thank him kindly to never lay a hand on yours either.

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I respectfully disagree that children will eat junk food. My grandson is on a diet due to medical concerns. He has been since he was two, long before "junk"

Food could be introduced. So he has zero desire for it. He doesn't care for sweets nor does he care for candy. Diets can be modified. Healthy foods can be the norm. It can be done at any age. Yes certain treats can be given...its all in moderation. Its not so black and white thinking. There can be room for monitoring good foods and nutients. She is wise to care .

 

Will agree that a mediator would work best before the blended family goes amock. Parenting and discipline in a marriage needs to be a united effort not another source of conflict.

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I don't dispute this; but your grandson has been on an enforced diet due to health reasons.

As far as we know hitherto, her kids have normal appetites.

At one point or another, unrestricted, they will sample what is known as 'junk food'.

Unless there is a specific requirement, or a whole family is stringently-minded and disciplined (I have met such families) then at one point, through the habits and influences of their future supposed 'step-siblings', and through other avenues, it is far more likely that junk food will find its way into their diet, at one point or another, even if to a reduced degree.

 

So rather than fight about it, and have it as a cause for friction, in my opinion it would be better to consider relaxing this rule a little.

 

"in matters of Taste, swim with the current.

In matters of Principle, stand like a rock."

 

It's important to be able to clearly distinguish which is which, and behave accordingly.

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As others have said, you must discuss this with your partner. Don't expect / assume he will change, or things will just work out, because they won't. How to raise a child can be view so differently between two people, and when you discuss this, you have to be open to compromise, it won't just be how you want it, if you want things to work out.

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Of course you can choose not to feed children junk food. Yes, they will be exposed to it at some point, but that doesn't mean I have to be OK with feeding them Poptarts and Fruity Pebbles for breakfast.

 

At this point, I am more concerned with his children having to live in a way they aren't used to. And having certain expectations for his children that are different than the ones we have for ours will not work. I'm pretty confident my FI and I can come to an agreement when it comes to parenting our child, but I want it to be fair to all the children.

 

Then we have to contend with the fact that his children are at their mother's 50% of the time and have different rules over there.

 

Also, they will be brothers (half), not step-siblings.

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I say again; you need a meeting with a Family counsellor and reach agreements compromises. Even if it means involving the children as well.

Although you and your FI will have to have the last word, at least they will feel 'listened to'.

Democracy it won't be; but at least you'll all be on the same page...

 

And remember my 'Principle/Taste' quotation.

Trust me, it works every time.

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UpwardForward
Of course you can choose not to feed children junk food. Yes, they will be exposed to it at some point, but that doesn't mean I have to be OK with feeding them Poptarts and Fruity Pebbles for breakfast.

 

At this point, I am more concerned with his children having to live in a way they aren't used to. And having certain expectations for his children that are different than the ones we have for ours will not work. I'm pretty confident my FI and I can come to an agreement when it comes to parenting our child, but I want it to be fair to all the children.

 

Then we have to contend with the fact that his children are at their mother's 50% of the time and have different rules over there.

 

Also, they will be brothers (half), not step-siblings.

 

All you can do is Introduce good nutrition or diet replacement alternative to his children. But to not force them. As for your own children, you can tell them: This is what I want for you.

 

Spanking or discipline is another - more serious thing.

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Also, they will be brothers (half), not step-siblings.

 

Your children, and his children, will be step-siblings. They will never be related. In fact, they might even date, quite legally!

 

Any children you two decide to have together, will be half brothers/sisters to both your children and his.

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The kids are old enough to talk to them directly and ask for their help and support. When you have a baby, ask the kids to help you keep the junk food out of the small sibling's sight. Enlist their help setting a good example. Appeal to their feelings of empowerment.

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Your children, and his children, will be step-siblings. They will never be related. In fact, they might even date, quite legally!

 

Any children you two decide to have together, will be half brothers/sisters to both your children and his.

 

Right. The child I have will be mine and my FI's.

 

I don't have other children.

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Bittersweetie

I know that before I had kids, there were many parenting things that I *knew* I was going to do a certain way. Then, I actually had a kid and many of those things went out the window.

 

Iris, family counseling sounds like a good idea in this situation. However, you may want to choose your battles carefully. Maybe go in with the requests that you feel most strongly about and move forward from there.

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Oh, hang on a minute; I'm afraid i read you wrong; I thought you meant you were going to be combining families - his kids and yours!

 

Right, well, if you don't have children of your own, you cannot hope to have the last, final and deciding word on what 'your' children eat - because they would be his children too. And frankly, you're imposing restrictions now on non-existent factors, which is ridiculous.

 

you may well have a 'no spanking' intent - but let me tell you, as a mother who had precisely the same ideal as you - EXACTLY the same - I did end up smacking my 2 children.

 

I can count on the fingers of one hand, the collective times I did - but given my complete initial reluctance to entertain such a discipline, let me tell you they deserved it - and they agree with that!

 

Now, I always apologised for losing my temper and smacking them. Every time.

But they knew the reason behind it, and considered it a valid action.

 

You cannot start making up rules and conditions before the children have even been conceived!

There are too many permutations possible...

 

You may have ideals - but remember, they will be someone else's children too - and your future husband will have just as much right for his ideals to be taken into account, as yours. In equal measure.

 

How does that sit with you?

Honestly?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Unfortunately me and my x whom we have a daughter together and have been Fri ends for 4 Yrs even before our relationship, have always had this issue and we have had counceling and in home parenting classes and in home support workers and it seems as though he nor I can permanently change the way we parent or treat the kids,

Like if one of them is sick and not feeling well and cranky he chops it up to just being a cranky kid who is 3 Yrs old, me on the other hand I treat my kids as I would want to be treated so there for I comfort and show them more love and understanding, we bicker a lot about it and the only time he is always nice to the kids is if he is in a realllllllly good mood, and I do not believe in spanks a lot either trust me my 14 yr old now has never been spanked cause I was dead set against it, still to this day I do not see how a spank every time teaches them or stops there behaviors, they need positive reinforcement and the same amount of love as direction and trust me its a long battle I wish you the best of luck and love those kids :-)

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You really really need to line up a family counselor and go consistently until you two have an agreement (compromise) you BOTH sign up for. All I see is you saying that YOUR way is the only way it's going to be. What you should be saying is that you two are going to find a compromise where you both get partially satisfied.

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You really really need to line up a family counselor and go consistently until you two have an agreement (compromise) you BOTH sign up for. All I see is you saying that YOUR way is the only way it's going to be. What you should be saying is that you two are going to find a compromise where you both get partially satisfied.

 

I'm confident my FI and I can come to an agreement.

 

I'm most concerned about changing the rules for his children and/or having different rules for his children and our child.

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I'm confident my FI and I can come to an agreement.

 

I'm most concerned about changing the rules for his children and/or having different rules for his children and our child.

 

 

Honestly, the rules will be different purely because of age.

 

How old are your FI's kids? And am I right in assuming you don't have a child yet?

 

I mean... for the first 2/3 years your child will eat exactly whatever you want. After that you may run into a few issues, but it should be manageable.

 

As for your FI's kids... I'm afraid it's out of your hands. You can try and steer them into a healthier diet (and by all means, do try), but if they're adamant about pop tarts and your FI is ok with it, it's a losing battle that you really shouldn't fight, as it most likely won't go your way!

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Honestly, the rules will be different purely because of age.

 

How old are your FI's kids? And am I right in assuming you don't have a child yet?

 

I mean... for the first 2/3 years your child will eat exactly whatever you want. After that you may run into a few issues, but it should be manageable.

 

As for your FI's kids... I'm afraid it's out of your hands. You can try and steer them into a healthier diet (and by all means, do try), but if they're adamant about pop tarts and your FI is ok with it, it's a losing battle that you really shouldn't fight, as it most likely won't go your way!

 

I'm not trying to dictate what his kids eat, but how will I explain to my child why his brothers can eat lucky charms but he can't?

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I'm not trying to dictate what his kids eat, but how will I explain to my child why his brothers can eat lucky charms but he can't?

 

Really? You're going to go into battle over Lucky Charms? Wow... are you setting yourself up for failure.

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I'm not trying to dictate what his kids eat, but how will I explain to my child why his brothers can eat lucky charms but he can't?

 

How old are his kids? And when will you have your child (from what I understand you don't have one yet, right?)

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Which is why you have to have an agreement - a COMPROMISE - on what will be served in the house. Maybe allow junk food on the weekends? But that would mean that you'd have to do some work to make 'real' food appetizing for them.

 

Personally, H and I grew up craving sweets because they were never in our houses. Every penny we earned as kids was spent on candy and Icees and cookies. So when DD23 was born, we agreed we didn't want her scarfing up sweets like that, so we had them in our house. We actually had a 'junk cabinet' in the kitchen where the chips and cookies and candy stayed. The rule was, as long as you're eating all the nutritious stuff first, you get to pick something from the junk cabinet if you're still hungry. Because she knew it would always be available, she grew up not really caring about it. Her friends, on the other hand, whose parents would NOT allow junk food in their house, OMG...within 5 minutes of being in our house, they'd inevitably be right up in there with the junk food, scarfing it down. One girl, who stayed with us after school every day, on the last day she was to be with us, I caught her up on the counter, backpack open, literally wiping all the food into her backpack with her arm, so she could hide it at home, because she knew she'd never get it again!

 

DD23 is now 100% healthy except for fibromyalgia, 100 pounds, doesn't drink soft drinks, rarely eats sweets, prefers sushi and salads, doesn't need to go out and get drunk like her friends all want to do...basically doesn't have the binging character, I think in large part because we never made such a big deal out of it.

 

One thing we did do is tell her that she had to try everything on her plate. One bite, and if she didn't like it, she didn't have to eat the rest of it. Got her to try a LOT of stuff that way. Now she'll eat anything. Oh, and if she didn't like what was for dinner, that's fine, their choice, they can not eat it; but they won't get anything ELSE until the next mealtime. Works wonders.

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