When to allow ex to introduce his OW to our child

[Raena]

My son's father and I split up back in October 2013. He moved out in November to live with the female he cheated on me with. Then he left for work out of state for 3 months. Upon returning, he moved the other female into his apartment with him the day he returned. He's made minimal effort to see or talk to his child since he returned. While he was gone for work, he called every day. Since he has returned, and every other time she has been with him, he doesn't call, he doesn't come to see his child.

 

We have not gone to court to set up custody and child support. We came up with an agreed upon amount and that's what he's been paying me. Originally, we had agreed that he could keep our son every weekend if he chose... at least one night, or every other weekend for the whole weekend. He works nights and overtime is really good on the weekends so I knew he wasn't going to want to see him every weekend. That plan never worked out because he left out of state for so long... and then because he moved his OW in with him right away.

 

I have adamantly told him over and over again that I do not think it's appropriate for her to be around our child. Their relationship has been rocky, they've split up at least 7 times (or more) in the past 5 months. Albeit, the past month or so it seems like things are going better for them now that he's back in town and she's living with him. Of course, neither of them are spending time with their children. He told me that she does drugs (takes pills, whatever that means), that he's been physically abusive to her, that she doesn't work (but now she has a job), doesn't have a high school diploma, isn't taking care of her own two kids who still live in another state and so on. In addition, she's been very disrespectful to me. I'm not sure why, considering they were the ones cheating to be with each other. I have done nothing to her. She spent a great deal of time bad mouthing me on social media, humiliating me in the process... and has sent me text messages and fb messages that were very disrespectful. I had to block her number because she wouldn't leave me alone.

 

NOW... my ex is asking me when he can take our son for the weekend. I have made it very clear to him that he can come see him, or come pick him up and do stuff with him whenever he wants but that I do not wish for him to bring his girlfriend around our child. I don't trust her and quite honestly, I don't trust him either.

 

I want him to spend time with his father... even if I can't stand him, he is my son's father and he hasn't done anything that I can legally say he can't be around our son. I can't legally say that SHE can't be around him either but I've stuck to it.

 

Now I'm questioning how long should I make him wait? Technically, she's only been living with him full time for a month or so.(50 days to be precise, I keep a calendar ) That's way too soon isn't it? I told him to give it a year. Now I'm wondering if I'm just being a jerk for not allowing it? How long is a reasonable amount of time to wait to say it's ok for her to be around? I'd really rather he actually spend time, one to one, with our son, but I know he won't do that. Even if he does go there for the weekend, his father won't pay him no mind. He'll plop him down in front of the tv and lay on the couch like a slug all day. That's what he does.

 

He isn't out right forcing the issue and he isn't going out of his way to spend time with his child either. It's been 50 days since he returned from his work trip... in that time he has called his son 6 times and seen him only once. He promised to see him 2 other times and then didn't bother to show up or call. His explanation for why... I don't have any money to take him anywhere or do anything and it's too cold to go do stuff outside. (He doesn't have any money but he can pay for his gf to get a sleeve tattoo and pay her airfare to come visit him on 3 separate occasions... and pay her bills... and pay to take her on vacation.)

 

Yes I know... he's a real winner and my son would probably be better off not spending time with him and yes I've already beat myself up multiple times over how in the world did I end up with such a loser as the father of my child.

 

But... when do you all think it would be a reasonable amount of time before allowing him to go spend the night at his father's with the gf living there?

[Popsicle]

You two needs some structure so I urge you to go to court. Some things the court will do:

 

1. Obviously set a child support amount.

2. Set a visitation schedule with the father that is directly connected to the amount of child support he pays. in other words, it will command him to keep his weekly time commitments with his child, unless he wants to pay more child support. This usually works.

3. Make it clear to you that you can not control who he sees or doesn't see when the child is in his care. (assuming the child is not in imminent danger). Same is true for you and who you see.

Edited April 13, 2014 by Popsicle

[Raena]

/sigh You didn't answer my question.

 

Yes, at the moment, I do control who he has around our child. He didn't disagree with me, he too wasn't too sure he wanted her around him. Or maybe he just likes his freedom and doesn't really want to spend time with him and her.

 

I'm asking how long is long enough for it to be ok to introduce this vile person to my innocent little boy who, for now, is completely oblivious to what's really going on.

 

I didn't ask if I have a legal standpoint to keep her away... this is more of a moral/common sense issue here.

 

I already know what the courts would say... well, if I share the things she has said about me and to me, they might have a different stand point, but that isn't the issue here. We aren't going to court anytime soon.

[SoleMate]

How old is the child?

 

Also, try imagining that the individual in question is not your ex's gf/AP, but was, say, his sister who lived with him. Would the listed problems be enough that you felt the need to specifically order her away from the child?

 

she does drugs (takes pills, whatever that means), that he's been physically abusive to her, that she doesn't work (but now she has a job), doesn't have a high school diploma, isn't taking care of her own two kids......she's been very disrespectful to me....they were the ones cheating to be with each other.... She spent a great deal of time bad mouthing me on social media, humiliating me in the process... and has sent me text messages and fb messages that were very disrespectful.....

 

or should you maybe keep the child away from the physically abusive one, his father? Seriously, the fact that your ex abuses hid gf is not a ding against here, it's against him.

[Raena]

How old is the child?

 

Also, try imagining that the individual in question is not your ex's gf/AP, but was, say, his sister who lived with him. Would the listed problems be enough that you felt the need to specifically order her away from the child?

 

or should you maybe keep the child away from the physically abusive one, his father? Seriously, the fact that your ex abuses hid gf is not a ding against here, it's against him.

 

He's 7 years old.

 

Your comment about what if it was his sister... that's an interesting way of looking at it. Yeah, if I knew she was doing drugs I wouldn't be keen on the idea of her being there either... but a sister might not be there every single minute either... and I'd probably feel the same way about said sister if she went out of her way to harass and humiliate me the same way this OW has.

 

Now your comment about him being abusive... I do have my concerns about that as well. It's nothing I can prove though. And yes... it does point to HIM in a negative manner, not her... I agree.

[CC12]

But... when do you all think it would be a reasonable amount of time before allowing him to go spend the night at his father's with the gf living there?

 

Your son and his dad need to spend time together. That's the most important thing. If that can only happen at dad's house, I think you should allow it, unless your son would be in danger there. You haven't described anything that would suggest danger, other than the girlfriend "takes pills, whatever that means." Do you know what kind of pills? Are they illegal? Does she take them recreationally or are they prescribed?

 

From what you've said so far, I think you're letting your personal opinion of her influence your decisions too much. Like, this right here:

 

Yeah, if I knew she was doing drugs I wouldn't be keen on the idea of her being there either... but a sister might not be there every single minute either... and I'd probably feel the same way about said sister if she went out of her way to harass and humiliate me the same way this OW has.

 

Any harassment and humiliation of you has nothing to do with your son. That's a problem among the adults that your son has no part in. He's 7 years old, do you think he cares about all the stuff that's gone on between you three? No, he probably just misses his dad and wants to see him.

 

I mean, I think it is absolutely inappropriate for your son's dad to introduce his new girlfriend so quickly, but that's a parenting decision that your ex is making on his own, and he's pretty much entitled to do that now since you're not together anymore.

 

If your ex isn't forcing the issue, keep riding that wave of his indifference. But at some point I'd imagine that he's going to demand overnight visits. As long as your son will be safe, let him go.

[Raena]

Your son and his dad need to spend time together. That's the most important thing. If that can only happen at dad's house, I think you should allow it, unless your son would be in danger there. You haven't described anything that would suggest danger, other than the girlfriend "takes pills, whatever that means." Do you know what kind of pills? Are they illegal? Does she take them recreationally or are they prescribed?

 

From what you've said so far, I think you're letting your personal opinion of her influence your decisions too much. Like, this right here:

 

 

 

Any harassment and humiliation of you has nothing to do with your son. That's a problem among the adults that your son has no part in. He's 7 years old, do you think he cares about all the stuff that's gone on between you three? No, he probably just misses his dad and wants to see him.

 

I mean, I think it is absolutely inappropriate for your son's dad to introduce his new girlfriend so quickly, but that's a parenting decision that your ex is making on his own, and he's pretty much entitled to do that now since you're not together anymore.

 

If your ex isn't forcing the issue, keep riding that wave of his indifference. But at some point I'd imagine that he's going to demand overnight visits. As long as your son will be safe, let him go.

 

See bolded part... yes I agree with this... I'm not going to go texting him and telling him to come take him for the weekend.... if he isn't going to push the issue then I'm not going to either.

 

Thing is... about 2 weeks ago or so, I was all set to let him go if his father asked. I thought for sure he was going to ask, but he didn't. I left the door wide open for him to do so too. He told our son he was going to come see him that friday while they were on the phone, my son told me this after he got off the phone. I texted him and asked if this was true. He said yes... I said ok... and what time are you bringing him home? He never responded to me. I thought for sure he'd say something about wanting to keep him for the weekend.

 

THEN... his OW decided to send me several text messages basically blasting me about it all, calling me names, laughing at me and going over the top involving herself in the middle of he and I co-parenting. At that point I decided that it wasn't a good idea... but he really never did ask me about it so I never had to come right out and say no. His response to her texting me was "she knows how much I'm hurting over missing him" My response was... "well then why haven't you hung out with him? He's been right here all along, you know my number, you know where he lives... why haven't you come to see him?" He didn't respond to that either.

 

That Friday... he did come to see his son, took him out to see a movie and they had fun together... BUT... that whack job girlfriend of his flattened two of the tires on his truck that evening in an attempt to keep him from going anywhere without her. The whole situation is just unhealthy.

 

This isn't just about me not liking her... it's about the fact that their relationship seems unsteady and very unhealthy. I really don't want to expose my son to that if I don't have to.

 

I wish I could protect him from all of this but I know I eventually won't be able to unless they do something to hurt him. I'd hate to have to put him in that situation in the first place.

 

I know he needs to spend time with his father... but what if spending time with his father really isn't a good idea?

[Raena]

Your son and his dad need to spend time together. That's the most important thing. If that can only happen at dad's house, I think you should allow it, unless your son would be in danger there. You haven't described anything that would suggest danger, other than the girlfriend "takes pills, whatever that means." Do you know what kind of pills? Are they illegal? Does she take them recreationally or are they prescribed?

 

From what you've said so far, I think you're letting your personal opinion of her influence your decisions too much. Like, this right here:

 

 

 

Any harassment and humiliation of you has nothing to do with your son. That's a problem among the adults that your son has no part in. He's 7 years old, do you think he cares about all the stuff that's gone on between you three? No, he probably just misses his dad and wants to see him.

 

I mean, I think it is absolutely inappropriate for your son's dad to introduce his new girlfriend so quickly, but that's a parenting decision that your ex is making on his own, and he's pretty much entitled to do that now since you're not together anymore.

 

If your ex isn't forcing the issue, keep riding that wave of his indifference. But at some point I'd imagine that he's going to demand overnight visits. As long as your son will be safe, let him go.

 

Oh, there were a couple other things you said that I didn't respond to...

 

When he told me that she does drugs... he meant illegally obtained pills... like vicodan, percocet... stuff like that. It was enough of a problem that he broke off the affair with her because of her drug use and then broke it off with her again right after he and I split up because of it. He knows it's a problem for her.

 

The other thing is... he doesn't ONLY have to go to his father's house to see him. He is welcome to come here... he and I get along fine and that's not the issue. The issue for him is that his gf does NOT want him around me for any reason. He stayed over night a couple of times in between his trips out of state for work... just so he could spend time with his son. So yeah, he and I were getting along just fine until he got back together with this gf and she started causing issues... demanding that he not go anywhere without her, demanding that he not spend any time around me, demanding things she has no business demanding really, but that's his issue, not mine. In addition to that, he knows that he is welcome to come pick him up and take him out whenever he wants. I've made that very clear to him over and over again. He does NOT have to introduce her to him, nor does he HAVE to spend the night at his father's. That's what SHE wants him to do because she's jealous of me and doesn't want him around me for any reason... hence the tire flattening episode and all the nasty gram text messages.

[Popsicle]

I still think you guys should go to court. They will give you guys direction, and impress upon him that he needs to have a backbone regarding his gf.

[oldshirt]

I'm not familiar with your backstory and I haven't read every word of your posts here, but in general I don't think you even can place restrictions on an ex's introductions to new GFs/BFs.

 

 

As a general concept, whatever an ex does with the children during his/her custodial time is their business provided it is not something innately dangerous/harmful/illegal etc in the first place.

 

 

In other words as long as his introductions and interactions with his GF aren't innately unsafe/harmful/illegal, then it's not in your place to "allow" it or not.

 

 

Just because you don't like the GF and just because you aren't OK with your child being around her, doesn't mean that you have any right to restrict it during his custodial visits.

 

 

The gray area comes in with her being a drug abuser. If you can prove that she is a drug abuser and that your child having contact with her poses a risk to his/her safety or well-being, then you may have some grounds for imposing restrictions.

 

 

I would assume the burden of proof would be on you to demonstrate that she is illegally using drugs and that the drug abuse poses an unreasonable risk to the child.

 

 

The fact that your ex was a bad husband and that his GF is skank means absolutely nothing to the courts. All the courts care about is that your child is financially supported and is in a safe and nurturing environment. The courts couldn't care less that you have a beef with his new honey and don't want your child around her.

 

 

These are things you need to discuss with your attorney so you are dealing with actual facts as they are in your jurisdiction rather than what strangers are pulling out of their butts on the internet but be prepared to get some blank stares and be prepared to be told that you need to have some legitimate concerns for the child's safety and welfare before they will do anything about restricting your child to your ex's GFs.

[Popsicle]

This is exactly the kind of thing (reason) why people go to court. They work all this out for you.

 

OP, if you insist on not going to court, then I'd never introduce the gf to your son. (assuming everything you've said about her is true). Dad can visit his son at my house, or be "Disneyland Dad" and only see him when he's taking him out to fun places.

[Cynicalme]

Oh geez... why do you even have to ask? Is it that really that hard?

 

Let's see...the relationship sounds a bit rockycrazy/unhealty (crazy is my word), she "takes pills," slashes his tires because he took his son to see a movie, she calls you to harass you about it all.... and your question is how long before you allow son to go do dad's house? Again... why do yo even have to ask, and is it really that hard.

 

I'll tell you how long... never, or until that relationship breaks up.

 

As others have said you really do need court-ordered visitation, but... since you have him in your custody, right now you maintain all the power in regard to allowing your son to go to his dad's house. Just. Say. No.

 

Tell me you had the good sense to save her text messages. You'll most likely need them in the future. And if court-ordered visitation is ever established while the OW is still in the picture, then you need to ask for supervised visitation.

[hoping2heal]

I think their instability as a relationship is one thing; I have heard of divorced parents who don't want their child introduced to a new partner until a substantial amount of time has passed, and it's clear the relationship is LT and stable. They simply don't want their child to get attached and lose that person.

 

Their relationship sounds rocky, and the woman herself sounds unstable. I would never want my young child being around someone who takes drugs because you never know when that lapse in judgement becomes the detriment of your child.

 

I don't think you're being unreasonable; you have very good and logical reasons for not being comfortable with your son being around her.

 

When will it be okay? Probably never, because she sounds like she doesn't have her **** together and is probably those types who will get older, but never actually "grow up". So long as drugs and instability are involved, I would not want to put child at risk and there is nothing wrong you not wanting to, either.

[Raena]

OK thanks for all the input.

 

I really just wanted to get a feel for what other people thought given the circumstances. I'm already well aware that should this go to court, I wouldn't be able to legally keep her from my child... unless of course she continues to harass me and then I could get a RO but that still wouldn't keep her from my son, it would keep her from me. I had my own ideas about this but I'm starting to waver on it. I know he's not the best father, but he's the only father my son has and I hope that he'll eventually get his head out of his arse and come BE a father to his child.

 

Things have been kind of quiet with them for the past couple of weeks... and for about a month or so before that as well so I was thinking that pretty soon he'd come asking me again. He did in fact ask me how long he had to wait for his son to come spend the weekend with him. I didn't engage, just said that we'd already had that conversation several times.

 

I stopped trying to force him to be the father that he needs to be. The door is open should he choose to take advantage of it. In the meantime, my son and I are doing relatively well.

 

I'm not going to force the issue of spending the night and I'm also not going to go begging him to spend time with his child either. He'll have to make that decision on his own when he's ready.

 

When he does... I'll let him (my son) go. Do I want to? No, but I also don't want to be the reason he chooses to not build a relationship with his son either.

 

I think it's really pathetic that he has chosen his skanky hobo over his child. I don't care as much about the reasons why he is gone (I'm not 100% healed but I'm getting there) but I do care about the fact that he is hurting his child in the process. I'm a grown woman, I can deal with it, he's a boy and he doesn't understand why Daddy doesn't come around or why he doesn't do what he says he's going to do. I don't understand why she would be more important to him than his child's needs. I mean how hard is it to pick up the phone and have a 5 minute conversation? How hard is it to come pick him up and go do something fun together for a few hours? He's being stubborn and insisting that since I said I didn't feel it wise to introduce her so soon, then well, he just won't spend anytime at all with him. I don't understand that at all.

 

You all have confirmed my thoughts on all of this. Legally I have no say so, but morally I do. I knew that. It doesn't make this process any easier.

 

I wish I could protect my son from all of this but I can't. He's going to grow up and figure out that his father is a lying cheat who has 3 kids by 3 different mothers and didn't care enough to actually be a father to any of them. It's a heck of a role model he's got there. I'm thinking that no matter what I say, eventually my son is going to see the truth of what happened. I just hope that I can instill a decent enough moral code in him that he won't walk in his father's footsteps and repeat the same poor choices when he is adult.

[Popsicle]

I'm not going to force the issue of spending the night and I'm also not going to go begging him to spend time with his child either. He'll have to make that decision on his own when he's ready.

 

May I ask why not?

[Raena]

May I ask why not?

 

For two reasons:

1. I've already made it clear to him how I feel about his involvement with our son. Over and over again I said the same things... most of which I've already said in previous posts but basically I left the door wide open for him to come see him WHENEVER he wants. I'm not going to beg him, he has to want to do it on his own.

2. I need to limit my contact with him for now. It's very painful for me to speak to him, even text him. He hurt me and although I've done a reasonably good job of handling being around him and communicating with him (outside of a few scuffles we had) it is still very painful so I tend to want to avoid having to contact him. If he contacts me, I respond as respectfully as possible. But I'd rather not be the one to consistently text him... he'd see it as harassment, his gf already thinks I'm pining over him and jealous so me texting him regularly would add to it.

 

Ultimately, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. He knows where we are and I've never told him NO you can't see him ANY of the times he has indicated he wanted to. I won't stand in the way but I won't chase him either. (except to limit how quickly he introduce this female in his life to our child)

 

On a side note... I do remember someone posting on here about their reaction to this from the child's point of view... this particular poster stated that he was very mad at his mother for forcing his father to be a part of his life and wished that she hadn't done that. I don't remember the reasoning, but it stuck with me and it made sense. They need to figure out what their relationship will be like between the two of them.

 

One thing that stands out to me is this... He knows very well that I'm not keeping his son from him and he isn't making any effort whatsoever to be a part of his life now that she's back in the picture. There has to be something to that. There has to be a reason for it and it isn't ALL about me telling him that I don't think it's appropriate to introduce her just yet. I sincerely believe that he isn't quite sure that he's ready to introduce her yet either. She may be pushing the issue, but I don't think he really is.

[Popsicle]

Raena, this is a very very personal and touchy subject and I don't want to overstep my bounds in any sort of way, but could it be the case that this person you refer to below disliked his father already and didn't like that his mother forced it? I know guys who experienced that. It sounds like your son misses his father and wants to see him.

 

I also find it odd that dad commented to you that he misses his son and is hurting from not seeing him. Why does he think he can't see him? Why would he say that? I would not be surprised if he (or his gf) has convinced himself that you are preventing him from seeing his son.

 

On a side note... I do remember someone posting on here about their reaction to this from the child's point of view... this particular poster stated that he was very mad at his mother for forcing his father to be a part of his life and wished that she hadn't done that. I don't remember the reasoning, but it stuck with me and it made sense. They need to figure out what their relationship will be like between the two of them.

 

[Raena]

Raena, this is a very very personal and touchy subject and I don't want to overstep my bounds in any sort of way, but could it be the case that this person you refer to below disliked his father already and didn't like that his mother forced it? I know guys who experienced that. It sounds like your son misses his father and wants to see him.

 

I also find it odd that dad commented to you that he misses his son and is hurting from not seeing him. Why does he think he can't see him? Why would he say that? I would not be surprised if he (or his gf) has convinced himself that you are preventing him from seeing his son.

 

That could have very well been the case Popsicle. (for the young man who was mad at his mother for it) I'd have to see if I could find it but I don't remember which thread it was in.

 

I found that comment by his father to be extremely odd too. I sat there shaking my head in disbelief when he said that. I made a point of telling him then... look, no one is keeping you from your son... that's the choice YOU have made. Based on the comments she made to me in text, I believe that's the sob story he's telling her. He isn't telling her the truth and the truth is... the reason why our son hasn't gone to spend the night there is because SHE is there. He's been there other times and spent the night when she wasn't there.

 

The thing I need to explain about my ex is that he's very good about making himself out to be a victim and incorrectly blaming others for his own choices. For example, to this day, 6 months later, he still blames me for why he and I aren't together anymore. He said I "just couldn't let it go". What he meant was, I was suspicious that he was cheating and I kept my eyes open looking for the truth and continually asked him to explain the behavior of his OW. He lied to me about who she was, gaslighted me for months and then finally decided to tell me the truth after I gave him an ultimatum... either go to counseling with me to fix whatever this problem is or move out. He still, in his screwed up mind, thinks that if I had only just ignored the signs then we would still be a family and therefore... it's MY fault that we split up. See where I'm going with this? It's not that hard to believe that he would then turn this all around and tell her... oh she's refusing to let me see my son when the truth is, HE'S the one refusing to come see his son or to even call him consistently.

 

He's really good at playing this mindf$ck game with people. Better than I can even explain on here. People who know me and have known him the entire time I was with him see it, but strangers who meet him for the first time think he's this charming, witty, handsome man with this sad sob story for a life. It's always someone else's fault, he's been beaten down, blah, blah, blah. He is SO believable. The longer I'm away from him, the more I see things just like this happening throughout our entire relationship. He screwed with my head over and over in such a subtle way that I didn't see it for what it was until now.

 

He's obviously STILL messing with my head or I wouldn't be on here questioning whether or not I should allow this to happen. It's the reason why I came here to see what other people think.

[Popsicle]

Raena, I understand now. Maybe he has problems making choices or decisions. Some people are like that. They don't know how to be brave. Either way, you have to think about your son and what's best for him. He doesn't understand or know about all of these adult issues. He just wants to hang out with his dad. This was the reason why I suggested court. The court will force him to have visitation (unless he opts out of seeing his son and just decides to pay child support only). Most men love their money more than anything else in the world and will do whatever it takes not to lose that, even if that means spending more time with their child. I know that is not how you want it to be (him being forced) but I believe he will treat your son well while he is in his care and that is all your son will notice for now. If he is made to choose between losing most of his money to child support or picking the drug using gf, he will probably pick the money and phase her out. This is not meant as a scheme to get rid of her, but more as a way to help your son have his dad in his life more, which is what he wants. I think you should act quickly. The more time you wait, the more time he will get used to not seeing his son and think that's alright.

[Raena]

Raena, I understand now. Maybe he has problems making choices or decisions. Some people are like that. They don't know how to be brave. Either way, you have to think about your son and what's best for him. He doesn't understand or know about all of these adult issues. He just wants to hang out with his dad. This was the reason why I suggested court. The court will force him to have visitation (unless he opts out of seeing his son and just decides to pay child support only). Most men love their money more than anything else in the world and will do whatever it takes not to lose that, even if that means spending more time with their child. I know that is not how you want it to be (him being forced) but I believe he will treat your son well while he is in his care and that is all your son will notice for now. If he is made to choose between losing most of his money to child support or picking the drug using gf, he will probably pick the money and phase her out. This is not meant as a scheme to get rid of her, but more as a way to help your son have his dad in his life more, which is what he wants. I think you should act quickly. The more time you wait, the more time he will get used to not seeing his son and think that's alright.

 

I understand what you are saying but I can't make him want to do the right thing. I watched what he did with his other son who is now 18. I know darn well that what he thinks he wants and what he actually does are two different things. He didn't spend any time with that child either, no matter what that child's mother said or did. She made it easy for him too and he didn't do anything about it then either. He hasn't seen the light yet and I can't make him. Court was involved in that situation too... it was laid out very clearly what his visitation rights were but he didn't follow through on it and she didn't force him either. I don't think she was wrong to not force it. No sense in sending a child to be where he isn't really wanted.

 

Yes my son wants to see his father, but I have my doubts about sending him to be with him when I already know quite clearly what his relationship is with his son. Even when he lived with us and had access to him on a regular basis he paid him no mind. He treated him like he was a bothersome fly. He loves the IDEA of being a father but he has no clue how to actually BE one.

[Popsicle]

I understand what you are saying but I can't make him want to do the right thing. I watched what he did with his other son who is now 18. I know darn well that what he thinks he wants and what he actually does are two different things. He didn't spend any time with that child either, no matter what that child's mother said or did. She made it easy for him too and he didn't do anything about it then either. He hasn't seen the light yet and I can't make him. Court was involved in that situation too... it was laid out very clearly what his visitation rights were but he didn't follow through on it and she didn't force him either. I don't think she was wrong to not force it. No sense in sending a child to be where he isn't really wanted.

 

Yes my son wants to see his father, but I have my doubts about sending him to be with him when I already know quite clearly what his relationship is with his son. Even when he lived with us and had access to him on a regular basis he paid him no mind. He treated him like he was a bothersome fly. He loves the IDEA of being a father but he has no clue how to actually BE one.

 

 

I'm sorry to hear that. I didn't realize he had another son.

[Raena]

I'm sorry to hear that. I didn't realize he had another son.

 

Oh he doesn't have just one other son... he also cheated on me when I was pregnant and got the other woman pregnant. He has another son who is only 8 months younger than our son and he only just met that boy for the first time a couple weeks ago.

 

In addition... his OW has two children SHE isn't caring for at the moment. They currently live with their father in another state while she shacks up with her lover. Eventually those 2 boys are going to end up coming here to live with their mother (I assume this but I don't really know what she's going to do)

 

Are seeing a clearer picture now of why I'm not forcing the issue?

[Popsicle]

Yes........

[The Like Fairy]

I haven't read all the thread yet, but I suggest you get your son in counseling right away (you can go with him, parents are allowed). He is going to need skills to cope with his father's behaviour and the father's girlfriends behaviour as well.

 

Counseling is a good thing, not a stigma of any kind. It helps kids get the tools to deal with messed up situations.

 

I have gone through something similar, counseling is the way to go as an outlet for expression, communication and dealing with these continuing problems (and they will continue, unfortunately). Will help you figure out boundaries as well in these situations.

[mercuryshadow]

I've been in a similar circumstance with my 9 year old son's father, Raena. For a couple of years, he was just making terrible life choices (i.e. drugs, random women who also used drugs, etc). Luckily my son was very young then and didn't really understand what was going on. I got CPS involved, I went to court several times... unfortunately, others are right when they say that you cannot control certain aspects of your ex's life, the decisions he makes, etc, but it sounds to me that if this other woman is not fit to care for her OWN children, it may be something to at least bring to the court for consideration. You will be provided with counseling prior, and will get a better idea if this will hold up at all. They should both probably be drug tested, too.

 

 

The good news in my situation is that after a series of failures and bad decisions on my ex's part, I think he's finally grown up. He's become more responsible, is no longer abusing drugs (pills) and has had a steady job for a while now. It may take a while, but your ex may also grow up some day, too. Hang in there.