Should parents be always available for their kids?

[Iguanna]

I still haven't decided about what is best behavior with kids. I sure know that in my country most mothers put their lives second after they have a kid and their lives just goes around the kid even when the kid is a teenager or early adult. In other countries of Europe mothers are stricter and create boundaries with their kids cause they want them to know and respect other people's needs as well and not be self centered. Should parents be always available for their kids' needs or is it better that the kids know that their parents have a personal life as well? When is it acceptable for a parent to cancel stuff on their personal life cause the kid asked so? And till what age is that acceptable? My personal experience as a kid has taught me that my mother always putting me first and almost never telling me no as a kid made me a spoiled person who is difficult to handle. Now I'm thinking that I shouldn't do this to my child when I get one. What do you think?

[Silly_Girl]

I had to do a lot of balancing between the 2, work and motherhood, then I did any socialising when he was busy elsewhere. At least pre-teens anyway.

 

Can you give us an idea of the sorts of things you mean? What would you be looking to cancel? And replace with what?

[Iguanna]

I had to do a lot of balancing between the 2, work and motherhood, then I did any socialising when he was busy elsewhere. At least pre-teens anyway.

 

Can you give us an idea of the sorts of things you mean? What would you be looking to cancel? And replace with what?

 

I took as an example another poster who was dating a single dad who canceled their date cause his son asked him to watch a show together and she dumped him. Half people told her that she was right and that this guy should not blindly change his plans for his kid's desires and half people told her that this is what being a parent means, to cancel everything for your kids and always be available for them. In my personal story my mom having me as a center of her life spoiled me and made it hard for me to be able to have friendships cause I've learnt to take whatever I want. What is the right thing to do as a parent? So you say that you followed your kid's schedule in order to make plans for yourself. How did this turn out for him?

[Silly_Girl]

I was working full-time though. And studying. He DEFINITELY shifted right off my radar for exam season every 6 months. I missed school performances because of my work. He missed all sorts because of my other commitments. So as far as I was concerned every second that wasn't work or study rightfully belonged to him.

 

He doesn't behave spoilt or expect me to drop plans. Here's a post I made recently:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/parenting/455002-perspective-parent-child

[gaius]

A lot of parents have forgotten it's their job to prepare their kid for the world. Not to give them every luxury and pleasure they themselves were denied as a kid..... That's narcissism.

 

If you think you can expect everyone to drop everything they're doing to placate your needs when you grow up, think again.

[xxoo]

When my children are young, I see it as my job to balance our lives. The responsibility is mine to make sure they get enough activity, enough rest, enough family time, enough friend time, and that I get enough me time. In this way, I teach balance through modeling.

 

As they get older, into teens and beyond, I see it as my job to shift some of that responsibility onto them. No, I do not think I need to be always available for my older kids, outside of emergency. I'm aiming to instill enough resilience, compassion, compromise, and problem solving to allow more flexibility for all of us. So far, so good.

[Haydn]

When all my money is gone. I know my job is done. Joking aside i do spoil my daughter to a point but this does not make me a narc, just in a position to do so. But on the whole it is very important for me to be happy in my own life otherwise i would be doing a terrible job for her. She appreciates that a lot of things have to be earned in a way and is never demanding. I make sure she knows the value of things. For me her education is the key.

[SJS]

I think it depends on the child. My child hears the word no pretty often, but when it comes to her health (she has a medical condition) I will rearrange my life so she can attend support groups, medical camps, etc, and will until she's able to drive herself. She knows that I have a life away from her though.

[TaraMaiden]

The minute they can use a tin-opener, they're on their own.

[Grumpybutfun]

My experience has been to really communicate to your child as they grow what is important and then to adjust according to a child's needs. No, we aren't supposed to revolve around our children but to prepare them to live as a responsible part of society. We give them the tools....compassion, financial knowledge, courtesy and manners, ambition, value in earning, a good work ethic and we let them know, here I am but I am absolutely positive that you can manage because you are smart, kind and able. We let them fall and fail, pick them up, dust them off and tell them to go for it again until they get it right. We reward good behavior and we don't accept bad behavior and we listen to them, really listen so they feel that we are emotionally and mentally invested in their lives and their thought processes. We counsel them, we guide them but we make it very clear that they are being given what they need to live a quality life. We encourage them to take every opportunity as the gift it is and we do not let them wallow or whine when they have a setback or a failure. Children want structure, they want the ability to live their own lives and feel independence. Being a helicopter parent after the age of five is just setting them up for infantilism their entire life. My children aren't spoiled because I consider that a disservice to my children. They deserve better than me not having faith in THEIR abilities.

Best,

Grumps

[Iguanna]

How do you balance a situation to "I let you make your own mistakes and learn from them" and "my mom / dad doesn't have time for me, they're busy with their life, I feel rejected" ?

[TaraMaiden]

You never get both, either one or the other.

So no balance required.

[Grumpybutfun]

How do you balance a situation to "I let you make your own mistakes and learn from them" and "my mom / dad doesn't have time for me, they're busy with their life, I feel rejected" ?

 

The time you spend is fun time and learning time or working together time, it is enjoyable and you are focused on their well being, as getting to know them as little people, but they know that you have outside responsibilities and interests. When I would go out to sea, my wife would need some alone time so they had daycare where she would tell them she was taking them to play with other kids. They loved it...you present things as in their best interest and that you love them but you have other responsibilities and interests too. Why? Mommy needs time to recharge as a mommy. Why? To be the best mommy she could be to them because she loves them so much.

My wife and I went on Saturday night dates every weekend that I was on shore duty. It was needed after busy lives so we would tell them that mommy and poppy needed to have romantic time because we wanted to be good parents to them. Why? Because if we are happy with each other and we play together and have a strong love for one another we can be better parents to them. Why? Because being better parents to them is important to us because we love them so much. As they got older they planned their lives around our weekend dates....they would do their things then knowing our date night was non negotiable and healthy for them. At the end of the day, they just need to know that time apart is healthy and that you still love them.

Planning your lives around them gives them a feeling of entitlement, but doing things without them and then sharing your stories of why you need to be apart makes them feel more understanding of boundaries and others as being just as important as them. My wife and I were both severely neglected growing up and that wasn't something I would ever condone, but living your life revolving around your kids instead of sharing your life with your kids is no more healthy IMO. Soon they feel capable because they can solve their own problems and deal with their own stuff and that is the reward of you not being a helicopter parent. Self sufficiency is very exciting and desired by kids.

Best,

Grumps

Edited April 15, 2014 by Grumpybutfun

[xxoo]

How do you balance a situation to "I let you make your own mistakes and learn from them" and "my mom / dad doesn't have time for me, they're busy with their life, I feel rejected" ?

 

One thing to remember is that raising a child to an adult is a journey, and a long one. It requires observation, flexibility, and adjustment. What works well at one age doesn't work as well at another age.

 

Another thing to remember is that a day, and a week, is made up of countless moments and opportunities to meet needs (your needs, and their needs). Momentary disappointment and delayed gratification are part of life (for both parent and child). As long as needs are met, wants are flexible. In fact, the more needs are met, the more flexible wants might become.

 

If the balance feels right, then it probably is. Individuals and relationships will thrive. If the balance feels wrong, individuals and relationships struggle. A caring, observant parent will notice and adjust.

 

Finding the balance right is one challenge. Keeping the balance is a never-ending challenge!

 

Lastly, keep in mind that all parents struggle at times. Parenting is nothing if not humbling.

[turnera]

First, you should never put your kids ahead of your marriage (unless it's a health or safety issue). Second, you should never ignore your husband or wife so that you can focus solely on your kids; not fair to anyone and will result in unhappiness, cheating, or divorce. Third, it's not your job to be your kid's friend, it's your job to raise him to be healthy, have a love of learning, independent, and able to live a great ADULT life.

 

To that end, you simply MUST back off, gradually, so that your child learns to take care of his own problems. If you don't, if you're always there fixing things for them, how will they ever be able to do anything as an adult? That's selfish on your part.

 

Best speech ever, a guy at a PTA meeting. He said he'd been there all day, watching the comings and goings of the parents at this elementary school. Bringing forgotten lunches, homework, projects, sweaters...he said that those parents were HARMING their children. Why? Because they were teaching their kids that they needn't have any responsibility for themselves. Forget lunch? Mom'll bring it. Forget the science project? Dad'll bring it (if not do it FOR him as well).

 

But what bad would happen if that parent didn't rescue the kid? The kid would get a zero, or shiver a little, or eat the PB&J that the cafeteria gives kids who forget their lunch. In other words, nothing bad.

 

But what good would happen if that parent didn't rescue the kid? The kid would learn to NOT forget the lunch he really wanted, NOT forget to bundle up, NOT forget the homework so he's not embarrassed. In other words, he'd learn to be responsible for himself.

 

The man also said something else important: If you don't let your kid experience his consequence now, when he's 7, when a zero on a paper won't mean squat in the grand scheme of things, he WILL experience a consequence later, like in college, when the consequence for irresponsibility will be much bigger, much worse, like a drug overdose, or being jailed, or flunking out. All because his parents didn't expect him to be able to handle his own stuff and hovered while he was growing up and he never learned responsibility.

[turnera]

How do you balance a situation to "I let you make your own mistakes and learn from them" and "my mom / dad doesn't have time for me, they're busy with their life, I feel rejected" ?

That's easy. You DO stand beside them, you just refuse to fix their problem for them. You talk about it. You discuss the options, you give your opinion of what YOU would do, and then you let them make their decision. And then observe the consequences with them and discuss again - did it turn out how you thought? What would you have changed?''

 

Read this: http://psychology.about.com/od/childcare/f/authoritative-parenting.htm

[Eternal Sunshine]

I can speak as a child of a mother who always put me first, tended to my every need and desire and completely neglected herself for me.

 

Pros: I have always felt loved. I always felt that I have this strong anchor and that no matter what, she is there for me. It made any setbacks in life bearable. A boyfriend dumped me? I temporarily move in with my mum who acts as a therapist/cook/entertainer/friend and a parent. As a result, I get the motivation to keep fighting and get out there and try again. I want to be a daughter that she is proud of.

 

Cons: Once you experience that kind of unconditional love, it's very hard to accept anything less from men I get in a relationships with. Knowing what it's like when someone truly cares for me made it hard for me to accept and be happy with measly love crumbs. I feel that my expectations of how much adoration I should get from a man are a bit unrealistic. You can't compare it to parent's love yet I do and feel overwhelming dissapointment and need to move on because they fall short. I also feel less need to form close friendships because my mum is my best friend.

 

Overall, I feel incredibly lucky and blessed to have a mum like her. We actually text "love you" every day My love for her also knows no bounds and I have always hoped that I can repay even a portion of what she did for me as she gets older. Not because I feel obliged to but because I genuinly want to.

[todreaminblue]

I spoiled my second son i am a single mother of five.....he had everything he wanted i ran and made myself sick cleaning up his messes, comforting those he had hurt .......in fact my fifteen year relationship broke down as i made myself really sick when he was incarcerated in the juvenile justice system and i had to concentrate on my kids needs...which was by the way the right thing to do but.....with my son....i should have left him to pay for his actions but no i ran around pushing my physical and emotional limits.......rallying community support letters to get him out, got him a job went to court nearly on a daily basis......all day in court with anxiety isnt fun, appeal after appeal rejected until finally yes the judge pitied me i think....she said as much to him ...she was extremely angry with him....i am a tenacious person when i have a goal that is close to my heart.......my kids are close to my heart and i want them to do well in life i dont want to see them suffer as i have......

 

 

this son now has no contact with me and has told me i will always be broke with no money and that i should not have had five kids i am a scum of a mother because i take ins trays to help them........there is no gratitude......no thanks for putting my personal life way in the background for him and he now wotn let me see my grandchildren and has told them ....this hurts the most....that i dont want to know them and that i hate them....i pray for them and send them my love in prayer....did i teach him anything.....did he learn anything for sacrificing my mental health on many occasions this is just one example.....his life is stuffed also because of me..... his words....he also said i care more about my church than my family.....which is not true it is the opposite my church bouys me to face the trials of parenting...i should go more not less......

 

 

it does not reap anything really to put aside your life to save your teens...they make their choices...you can say it is your choice i cant make your choices for you but i dont agree if you walk out that door...you cannot chain them up.....and sometimes they have to learn by their own mistakes...which i did......still repeated some....one thing i have never done is gained a criminal rcord....i live my life hoping i help people that my kids will see th epath they shoudl take whioch is one that helps people not hinder or hurt others for own personal gain in any way.....and yes....sometimes you have to let go to pull them closer....even fi you go to bed with a broken heart every night,even when you wince every time the phone rings....or hear an ambulance siren.....you pray to god then and many times when they are not in your sight...please keep them safe for me, show them the way........keep your kids in your prayers.....when they refuse to follow your life.....dont let them lead you into theirs or put your life aside..sleep soundly at night knowing god has a plan for all of us even tear away kids.......deb

[todreaminblue]

I can speak as a child of a mother who always put me first, tended to my every need and desire and completely neglected herself for me.

 

Pros: I have always felt loved. I always felt that I have this strong anchor and that no matter what, she is there for me. It made any setbacks in life bearable. A boyfriend dumped me? I temporarily move in with my mum who acts as a therapist/cook/entertainer/friend and a parent. As a result, I get the motivation to keep fighting and get out there and try again. I want to be a daughter that she is proud of.

 

Cons: Once you experience that kind of unconditional love, it's very hard to accept anything less from men I get in a relationships with. Knowing what it's like when someone truly cares for me made it hard for me to accept and be happy with measly love crumbs. I feel that my expectations of how much adoration I should get from a man are a bit unrealistic. You can't compare it to parent's love yet I do and feel overwhelming dissapointment and need to move on because they fall short. I also feel less need to form close friendships because my mum is my best friend.

 

Overall, I feel incredibly lucky and blessed to have a mum like her. We actually text "love you" every day My love for her also knows no bounds and I have always hoped that I can repay even a portion of what she did for me as she gets older. Not because I feel obliged to but because I genuinly want to.

 

 

you are a beautiful person eternal..as a mother your post touched my heart..luv deb xo

[wrenmatrix]

I think there should be one person for better balancing.

[preraph]

It's a parent's duty to prioritize the kids enough to take care of their basic needs, but I think it's a mistake to stop having a life and only show them a one-dimensional parent whose life revolves around them and only them. I think a much better role model is the parent who manages to take good care of their kids while maintaining their own individuality and pursuing their interests. My own mother did nothing but take care of the family, and the boredom of it turned me completely off having a family. No one should have to stop doing things for themselves. Their kids will have more respect for them if they aren't always acting like the kids are little princesses and princes. I mean, it's obvious a lot of kids think their parents are idiots and have no respect for them, and it's little wonder why. It's obvious to them the parent doesn't "have a life." Get a babysitter and get a life. Your kids need a good role model, not an indentured slave.

[littleplanet]

First, you should never put your kids ahead of your marriage (unless it's a health or safety issue). Second, you should never ignore your husband or wife so that you can focus solely on your kids; not fair to anyone and will result in unhappiness, cheating, or divorce. Third, it's not your job to be your kid's friend, it's your job to raise him to be healthy, have a love of learning, independent, and able to live a great ADULT life.

 

To that end, you simply MUST back off, gradually, so that your child learns to take care of his own problems. If you don't, if you're always there fixing things for them, how will they ever be able to do anything as an adult? That's selfish on your part.

 

Best speech ever, a guy at a PTA meeting. He said he'd been there all day, watching the comings and goings of the parents at this elementary school. Bringing forgotten lunches, homework, projects, sweaters...he said that those parents were HARMING their children. Why? Because they were teaching their kids that they needn't have any responsibility for themselves. Forget lunch? Mom'll bring it. Forget the science project? Dad'll bring it (if not do it FOR him as well).

 

But what bad would happen if that parent didn't rescue the kid? The kid would get a zero, or shiver a little, or eat the PB&J that the cafeteria gives kids who forget their lunch. In other words, nothing bad.

 

But what good would happen if that parent didn't rescue the kid? The kid would learn to NOT forget the lunch he really wanted, NOT forget to bundle up, NOT forget the homework so he's not embarrassed. In other words, he'd learn to be responsible for himself.

 

The man also said something else important: If you don't let your kid experience his consequence now, when he's 7, when a zero on a paper won't mean squat in the grand scheme of things, he WILL experience a consequence later, like in college, when the consequence for irresponsibility will be much bigger, much worse, like a drug overdose, or being jailed, or flunking out. All because his parents didn't expect him to be able to handle his own stuff and hovered while he was growing up and he never learned responsibility.

 

 

Great reply, this.

 

All I'd add to it (to the original poster) is that it's perfectly natural to want to undo the mistakes surrounding how you were parented.

If you feel that you grew up spoiled - then don't spoil your kid.

(But don't go to extremes in the other direction, either.)

Parents who actually have lives outside of familial sacrifice - are often happier and more interesting parents. Like it or not, you're going to wind up being a role model, and a rather important one, at that.

This is fine, as long as you're not raising a puppet.

 

Childhood is a long and winding road to independence. And it can be a lot of fun guiding kids along the way to it. The better you get at it, the more confident you'll become.

[wrenmatrix]

I don't think so, it's necessary.