Should I be worried about my son’s girlfriend?

[Dancer Selina]

Should I be worried about my son’s girlfriend?

 

He is only 22, well and truly old enough to make his own decisions and mistakes but he is totally missing this one and I have a gut feeling that it’s because the woman he is with is very, how shall we say it?, very sexually active and adventurous.

 

Now she is 39 years old, I won’t pretend I am happy about that but that’s not the issue I have. She has taken him to swingers venues and I know they have had other women and men in the relationship but even that is not the biggest issue. She is unemployed, has no ambition to get a job, lives in a caravan, drinks, smokes, does drugs, basically (and I’m sorry for the value judgment here) she’s a loser. I feel she’s just bleeding my son dry.

 

He has already bought her a laptop computer and put the internet on it. He leaves his car with her a lot and catches the bus/train to work. He upgraded her from a caravan to a cabin with its own bathroom (he pays the difference). I feel she is basically selling herself and will do anything for him sexually in exchange for him providing for her. It really disgusts me.

 

I’m sure it’s every boys fantasy to have a sexually adventurous woman but this is just way beyond that. She’s nearly double his age, she’s not even attractive, I don’t know what he sees in her unless of course it is purely sexual.

 

Of course my son wont here of it. I’m either jealous or angry or whatever else he can think of at the time. I have spoken to a few of his friends and they say they never see him anymore. His ex-girlfriend who he broke up with to be with this woman says she never saw it coming. For some reason she’s still hoping to win him back?!?

 

Besides the name calling when questioned about this he is respectful to both me and his father. His father doesn’t see this as an issue and says all kids go through phases. If it wasn’t for the money issues I would let it go but he is spending too much money (going into debt) for her. I know he had substantial savings before and now they are gone and he is in debt. He takes days off work because he has been up all night with her and god knows who else.

 

I fear I’m losing my boy and I want to help him before he crashes and I have to pick up the pieces. Am I being too protective or is there something to worry about. Should I just let him crash?

[Tiger Lily]

Should I be worried about my son’s girlfriend?

 

I fear I’m losing my boy and I want to help him before he crashes and I have to pick up the pieces. Am I being too protective or is there something to worry about. Should I just let him crash?

 

 

Sometimes, I think the most loving thing to do as a parent is to let kids learn from their own mistakes.

 

 

Picking up the pieces when they make mistakes is not loving, it's enabling. It serves a purpose for the enabler (lets them feel needed), and disables the child. When you say, "you fear you're losing your boy", I think that's a sign that this is, in many ways, about your feelings of being replaced by someone, and not primarily about a concern that your boy start acting like an independent, confident man.

 

 

Of course, I think you're absolutely right in your thoughts about this woman. She seems like bad news. But I think you need to let your son learn this lesson. He's well past becoming an adult...it's time to start letting him take responsibility for his decisions. It's the most loving thing you can do.

 

 

Do you need to create some space between you for awhile? If he's living at home, maybe he should get his own place...

[Dancer Selina]

Surely pointing out to him that at 22 he had worked hard and done a fantastic job to save enough for a house deposit. Now he is in debt because he has taken her on holidays, bought concert tickets, always dining out, buys her alcohol, probably her drugs too and anything else you can think of. If his girlfriend loved him she wouldn't want him to waste his money like that, his old girlfriend certainly didn't.

 

Surely I can't be expected to sit by and watch and when she dumps him in a few years after the money dries up then I have to watch again while he takes years to pay it all back? Surely if it's just about the sexual side of things he can find someone who is financially independant and will share the costs with him?

 

Yes, he still lives at home. I can't kick him out so he ends up spending more money.

[Poppyolive]

That's a tough one. From what you wrote I don't believe its healthy for him to be in that relationship... However he is old enough to make his own decisions, own mistakes, own experiences and hopefully he knows right from wrong.

 

I have a friend whom when he was 18 dated an older women.. Similar to your sons situation. It wasn't healthy, his parents interfered and tried everything.... But it pissed him off and still to this day (he's married now to another women with 2 kids) all is healthy & well....but he still harbors anger at his parents. Sure he looks back and feels that it was a huge mistake, he's embarrassed, she had a drug problem, he took care of her, she even bought him an engagement ring for him to purpose, their house smelt of cats piss and so much more.

 

From his parents side they were stressed, worried, scared all the sorts of things you're feeling, but they also feel this anger from him....10 years later... there is trust lacking, bitterness and resentment .

 

So I've seen effects and my advise to you is grin and bare it, be there for him if needed.. Seek help for yourself if needed, don't let this stress you, it could very much be a phase, and he may very well be infactuated by dating an older women I just hope he stops buying her things. Either way. It's going to be hard for you. Please don't let it break down your relationship with your son.

 

Hope this helps

[Poppyolive]

=Dancer Selina;5632729]Surely pointing out to hi he had worked hard and done a fantastic job to save enough for a house deposit. Now he is in debt because he has taken her on holidays, bought concert tickets, always dining out, buys her alcohol, probably her drugs too and anything else you can think of. If his girlfriend loved him she wouldn't want him to waste his money like that, his old girlfriend certainly didn't.

 

Surely I can't be expected to sit by and watch and when she dumps him in a few years after the money dries up then I have to watch again while he takes years to pay it all back? Surely if it's just about the sexual side of things he can find someone who is financially independant and will share the costs with him?

 

Yes, he still lives at home. I can't kick him out so he ends up spending more money.

 

 

I really feel you and completely agree....but he will rebel against you...and you could push your son further into her arms.. She WIll BE the one there for him when he's angry at you, which gives her more power. Unfortunately I do think you need to step back, express your concern in areas regards to his money, but don't push....I totally get you are angry, and I'd probably loose my mind with worry....

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Unless you are paying his way in life then you really, unfortunately in this case, have no say.

 

The more you gripe about her, the more determined he will be to hang onto her. He will have to crash.

 

I am 46 and I would never get involved with a 20 something. Ugh.

[Keenly]

The only way a little boy becomes a man is to forge his own path.

 

 

Do not get involved. Don't be that mom.

[veggirl]

Wow that is a toughie. Do you pay for his car or give him spending money? Do you charge him rent?

 

I think you have to let him make his mistakes. I mean it's not like you can forbid him from seeing her or give him a curfew (well I guess you could do the curfew if you really wanted...), but I wouldn't do a thing to enable him...meaning I'd be charging rent (less $ for him to give to her), wouldn't give spending money, etc.

 

Have you met her?

[Dancer Selina]

I must admit I am a little taken aback by the responses. Is no-one on my side?

 

My son is digging a deep hole for himself and I am supposed to let him? I really don't get that.

 

If he was doing drugs it would be ok to intervene or if he had a gambling problem it's ok to intervene but if he's dating a trollop I have to sit back and watch?

 

She is going to bleed him dry and then move on to the next guy. He will have learned a valuable lesson but also be paying for it for years to come with a huge debt because of it. I mean this woman had her tubes tied at 20 so she wouldn't get pregnant because at the time she was seeing two men.

 

Men getting ruled by their penis, that's all this is.

 

Have you met her?

 

Yes I have. That is when I found out what I just said above, that is what she said to the mom of her boyfriend!!!! Who would even have that conversation with a boyfriends mom, let alone on the first time we met?

 

Her first words to me were "how the f**k are youse". She did apologise straight away and said she was just nervous. Then while we were chatting she lit up a smoke! Who does that without asking? No-one in our family smokes and no friends would ever do it inside our house. She is supposed to be making a good first impression and does that!

 

She has no class but because she has a nice figure she can get guys to do what she wants them to do. Surely educating my son about women like this can't be bad?

[veggirl]

I think we are all in your side in that we agree your son is being stupid, but what can you do? You can't forbid a 22 yr old from dating can you? You could kick him out but then what, he'll go live with her. I don't know how you can stop him, sadly you can't save people who don't want it.

[d0nnivain]

If you say anything you will push him further into her arms.

 

 

If you must say something -- & heaven knows in your position I couldn't hold my tongue -- be tactful.

 

 

Sit him down. Be calm. Tell him you love him & want the best for him. Remind him that you know you raised him right & that he generally has a good head on his shoulders.

 

 

Then start asking Qs. Don't be judgmental. Don't say anything bad about her. But ask things like what is he getting out of the relationship. Express that you are concerned. Explain that you seem him getting into debt & that the relationship looks a bit one sides to you; invite him to show you why you are wrong. The point of this conversation isn't to get him to say "of course mom, you're right. I'll break up with her right now." The point is to plant the seeds of doubt so he comes to that conclusion on his own (& thinks it was all his idea).

[seekingpeaceinlove]

OP, you have a right to worry. We all agree that this woman sounds like bad news. However, your son is deep in love or lust or maybe both. No way will he listen to you. As an adult, he will do what pleases him.

 

There isn't much you can do here without pushing your son away.

 

Consider your options:

 

1.) Talk to him

2.) Talk to her

3.) Try & sabotage the relationship

4.) Threaten to not talk to him/cut him off if he continues the relationship

 

Do you think any of these would work without jeopardizing your relationship with your son?

 

Unless this woman is abusing him, or he's on drugs or in a smiliary dire situation...you must back off. Other than trying to talk to him constructively, you must let him live and learn.

[Dancer Selina]

Then start asking Qs. Don't be judgmental. Don't say anything bad about her. But ask things like what is he getting out of the relationship. Express that you are concerned. Explain that you seem him getting into debt & that the relationship looks a bit one sides to you; invite him to show you why you are wrong. The point of this conversation isn't to get him to say "of course mom, you're right. I'll break up with her right now." The point is to plant the seeds of doubt so he comes to that conclusion on his own (& thinks it was all his idea).

 

It's hard not to say anything bad about her, she has no redeeming qualities that I can see.

 

She has sworn in front of me, she has smoked in my home without asking, she went topless in our pool while my hisband and I and my other son and daughter were there with their partners, she has a tattoo of her name on her lower back. When I asked why she said it was so guys would know what to call her !!!! Whether that is true or not who would say that?

 

I really want to sabotage this relationship but I don't know how. He is already in debt, he will lose his job soon with the amount of days he has off, he's at risk of STD's, he's at risk of becoming an alcoholic, he's says he's not doing the drugs but he's around them with her.

 

They are pretty harsh lessons to learn. I'm staggered that I'm supposed to sit by and watch, some of these are lifelong mistakes, not something you can just put behind you and say oops.

[lollipopspot]

I feel she is basically selling herself and will do anything for him sexually in exchange for him providing for her. It really disgusts me.

 

I’m sure it’s every boys fantasy to have a sexually adventurous woman but this is just way beyond that. She’s nearly double his age, she’s not even attractive, I don’t know what he sees in her unless of course it is purely sexual.

 

Well, maybe she's selling, but he's buying. I don't think either position is more holy. In fact the buyer is usually the one in control, unless the item is essential.

 

At worst, they're using each other.

 

I do agree with you that this isn't what I would want for my son. But I wouldn't want it for my daughter either, if what she is doing is essentially prostituting herself. An older woman and younger man is not quite the same as the reverse, because of the power differential in society. It sounds as though he's also from a higher class.

 

But is it possible that they really do care about each other despite everything? It can be hard to understand a relationship from the outside. Maybe they connect on a level that you don't see.

 

Surely I can't be expected to sit by and watch and when she dumps him in a few years after the money dries up

 

You don't know how this will end. It's more likely that he will dump her, and want to be with someone closer to his own age with more to offer. This is an experiment for him, it's a lifestyle for her

 

If he was doing drugs it would be ok to intervene or if he had a gambling problem it's ok to intervene but if he's dating a trollop I have to sit back and watch?

 

I don't know that this is something pathological like a gambling or drug problem.

 

Have you been able to ask him what it is that he admires about her?

 

Men getting ruled by their penis, that's all this is.

 

If this is the case, then he's got to learn the lesson on his own, because he will have a lifetime of sexual temptation and he's got to start thinking with his big head.

 

I feel for you though, it is very hard to watch a loved one make decisions that you don't feel are good for them, and this does not seem good for him. I would say to just be there for him, and try to act as nonjudgmental as you are able to, so that he sees you as someone to come to rather than someone to rebel against.

Edited April 13, 2014 by lollipopspot

[Dancer Selina]

But is it possible that they really do care about each other despite everything? It can be hard to understand a relationship from the outside. Maybe they connect on a level that you don't see.

 

This woman had her tubes tied when she was young so she could freely have sex and not get pregnant and I'm assuming not use condoms, she tattooed her name on her back so men would know her name, she happily goes topless in our pool around people she's just met, she's an alcoholic, she does drugs, she doesn't have nor does she want a job, she has multiple partners, both male and female and she happily accepts "gifts" these people buy for her.

 

The trouble is that she is stunningly attractive, sexually adventurous and has my son wrapped around her finger. She is thinking of no-one but herself. The only level they connect on is that he has (well had) money and was willing to go on the sexual ride with her.

 

Have you been able to ask him what it is that he admires about her?

 

Oh yes I have. She's gorgeous mom. I'm young mom and she likes to experiment when my ex didn't. She's doing the best she can after a hard life. I've heard all the superficial reason, what it all boils down to is that he's following his penis.

 

I asked him once how he liked watching her with another man, how could he allow that? He said he only does it because it's so good when it works the other way and they have other women. I really hoped my son would have more respect for women and more respect for himself.

[wrenmatrix]

I think you should give him liberty to take his decisions and made mistakes. A real man learns from his mistakes.

[Tayla]

It sounds to me that you are a loving parent. There is often ways to get your message across. You are not placing blinders on nor are you passively letting things happen. You came here for answers or ideas. Your action of speaking with him is the leverage. I'm 100% sure that you can offer rational guidance and then step back. Say your peace. I doubt i would let any guest in my home behave poorly or talk in such fashion as this person. Doesnt make a hill of difference who my child is dating, there are guidelines in being a guest. I would ask your son to pay monthly rent or board fees. Then sock drawer it after the relationship ends.

I'm thankful my parents intervened in some of my dating choices. I dont harbor resentment. They saw that which i was blind to. I was a brash person and they loved me enough to show me the light.

[Omei]

When older people date young adults that just trancended from puberty I see it as somewhat some type if manipulation, I see it all the time with abusive relationships people often date people outrageously out of their age bracket because they are easy to control and they would hardly ever be able to get away with the things they do with someone who's their own age stable mentally.

 

If you do not approve of this relationship esp with the things she does around your house you have every right to tell your son shes not allowed over, she cant come to family gathering and anything else that involves you and your family.

 

My first relationship was manipulative and my mother made it extreamly hard for me to have a family life while I was with this man and im glad now years later she did it.

[preraph]

The way you say they're living, I would be most worried about that they are both involved in her prostituting or that they are both into drugs bigtime. Not sure there's a thing you can do about it. I dated a couple of young adult men at her age. Except for one, I just got bored with their immaturity and lack of accomplishment though. So it didn't last long. I did remain friends with one for years and years though, but he was an exception and our age difference wasn't as great as theirs is.

 

As his mother, it's going to be hard for you to see your son objectively and glean what role he may actually be playing. Never assume someone else is corrupting your son. If he has a fully functioning brain, he's fully participating and not that easily led and doing all this with eyes wide open. Maybe you should try to find a female friend who is acquaintances with your son but not someone who is in his inner circle and ask what she can tell you about him. Young people can tell what other young people are up to just by the way they dress and act. parents are the last to know.

[Radu]

OP, the reason you can't do much to stop him from seeing her is because in the end your son is on her side, and will only drive him further from you two.

 

So, what's left ?

Well, you mentioned you have 2 more kids.

What ages ?; and what is their view on this ?

 

Because if they are younger, then the way their older brother is acting is disgusting, and you have a duty to protect them, afteral the way this is handled is also a lesson to them.

 

Also, you can prevent her from visiting you at home, and do not help your son when he does lose his job ... preventing his eventual crash will work against him, as it will enable him.

Let him crash.

[littleplanet]

Ah when I was a lad, This was all about Maggie Mae (Rod Stewart sang about her.)

And we all fantasized like crazy, us dudes. All while still teenagers.

By 20, it was a dead fish. Life's passage.

 

But down to brass tacks:

Your concerns as a mother are all legitimate.

But what can you do? Kidnap him back and chain him to his bed? Of course not.

If this "fling" were non-financial, and had no other negative side-effects, it would just amount to another one of those growing-up phases.

But it does have those side-effects. And they do have to concern you.

 

Unfortunately, you may wind up in the sorry position of having to watch him crash and burn.

He's besotted. Hopefully when the smoke clears, he'll be able to land back on his feet.

 

If this woman has waltzed other young men down that same garden path (ones who eventually saw the light and it cleared their heads) - it's too bad you don't know one of them. They could perhaps have a wee chat with your son. Straight talk. From a source he might actually pay attention to.

Otherwise, he's too enthralled with his new toy at present.

He imagines he's having the time of his life.

 

If you've set up the battle in such a manner as it's her and him against you - the more you fight, the more he digs in his heels.

Your maturity detests the woman (no wrong thing in that.)

His immaturity adores her.

There's the difference.

 

I don't know.....

as a dad (thank god I never had to go through this!)

I would have looked him straight in the eye, made a wise prediction about the likely future, and declared in no uncertain terms that I would be picking up no pieces. He'd have to man up and do that himself.

 

Yes, it's hard to watch someone you love do this to themselves.

But he's a grownup. A rather silly one - but there it is.

 

I don't think you should bother at all - descending into the 'psychology' of it......group dynamics......arrested development.....or any other manner of trying to figure out the nature of the beast.

Unless it goes on for an inordinate length of time.

Bide your time and prepare yourself for D-Day.

Before that, in the time being, as best you can - declare an armistice.

Otherwise it will make you crazy and get you nowhere.

Best of luck!

[Koopa]

This is what me and my friends call a siren or a fairy, I have seen many men fall victim to these girls, and in my experience there is nothing you can say to make him realise he is under her spell. However this spell wears off, he will eventually dump her and she will move on to the next man.

[Radu]

This is what me and my friends call a siren or a fairy, I have seen many men fall victim to these girls, and in my experience there is nothing you can say to make him realise he is under her spell. However this spell wears off, he will eventually dump her and she will move on to the next man.

 

And it stops when what they have to trade becomes less and less worthy of the time of others, which always happens.

[sene21]

Should I be worried about my son’s girlfriend?

 

 

I fear I’m losing my boy and I want to help him before he crashes and I have to pick up the pieces. Am I being too protective or is there something to worry about. Should I just let him crash?

 

Honestly, this is coming from a female who was raised by her grandma who had 6 boys, LET HIM MAKE HIS OWN MISTAKE!!. Warn him and then watch him, its hard to but that's life, he's in his live and learn stage (20's). I'm raising my own child but I'm learning to accept that in the future he will make choices that I will not agree with as his mom. Pointing out her flaws will just annoy him and you'll really lose him, even after they break up.(Chances are he will even blame you for it) So just let him be. If anything work on your relationship with him, and spend less time talking about her in the convos maybe he'll listen more and notice her flaws on his own. Good luck!

[Dancer Selina]

I have been staying out of this, hoping for the fall so it's all over but it's not coming, at least not any time soon.

 

I cry myself to sleep every night thinking of what she is doing to him.

 

So much has happened since I last posted but nothing beats that they have now bought a house and will soon be moving in together. When I say they bought a house I really mean my son bought a house because she has nothing. And they are moving in with their girlfriend, no that's not a typo!! Apparently they are now polyamorous (is that the right word?).

 

I hate her so much, I really do. They are talking about starting a family which is downright vulgar to me. I have to intervene before that happens.

 

Obviously girlfriend one can't get pregnant so they must be trying with girlfriend two. That just sounds so wring doesn't it.

 

Sorry for the rant, besides my husband I have nowhere to turn.