Father in need of advice.

[bgfrombg]

I'm a recently single, dad who is having problems with my son's mother. She left me a couple of months ago and we never went to lawyers or court over custody, we had decided to just keep him an equal amount of time. She pays for things when she has him, and I when I have him.

 

It wasn't two weeks ago she was apologizing because I had been keeping him so much, which makes no difference to me, I want to keep him all the time. Today, I went to pick him up and she asked for money. When I said I had none, she threatened me with child support. I make like .50 cents more than her an hour but all I receive is a straight 40 hrs and she's been getting at least 50. She claims that in the past two weeks she has had him more than me. What should I do? These are the things I've come up with.

 

1)Go to lawyer, have him draw up papers saying either we alternate, I keep him 3 days and she 4, then me 4 and her 3, or we just do it every 2 days, at least till he starts school.

 

2)File for full custody since the way she's been seeing him, it would be no different than her just getting visitations.

 

3)Run her over and bury her in the back yard.(Okay this ones a joke, but it is the way I feel sometimes. I did love this woman, still do, but the things she doing, she's well on the way of me not liking her at all.

 

She tells me I have no bills. When she left me, I had 40 dollars to my name for 2 weeks. If it wasn't for family, I would've been screwed. I had no car and no money. I have a car now, which has been taking alot of my money. I'm living back with my mom and her boyfriend. It's true I don't have as many bills as she does, but I'm still trying to get caught up on things. I don't want to live with my mom forever ya know. I don't mind giving her money when she needs help. But enough is enough. I can guarentee she spends alot of her money on things that aren't really needed. She constantly is taking her friends to work and picking them up and even taking them lunch, when they have vehicles of their own.

 

Anyway, the point is, like I said, just about everyone that knows and sees me on a day to day basis, knows that I have him more than she does. I just think she's looking for easy money and this is how to get it.

[DerangedAngel]

Wait, were the two of you ever married? If so, has the divorce been finalized?

 

We only have your side of the story here, but I think you definitely need to have all the terms of custody settled by a lawyer. Whether or not you decide to go for full custody is up to you. What's best for your son?

 

-DA

[uriel]

You need to go to a lawyer and get an agreement about money and time hammered out. If she doesn't want to give up joint custody, you might consider option #1 as the less upsetting of the two options. However, you also need to think about what's in your son's best interests. What would make him happiest and give him the most stability?

 

-- uriel

[supermom]

we had decided to just keep him an equal amount of time. She pays for things when she has him, and I when I have him.

 

 

Okay, reinerate to her that you both had agreed to this agreement. Try to be civil, but maybe suggest that you will help when you can. Let her know that you would be more than willing to help her out, but that you can't. Remind her that you live with your mom, just got a car and want a place of your own. Remind her that you two have to do the parenting together and that threatening you with child support is just stupid, since you share the custody.

 

Ask her if you two can remain friends (pretend if you must) and that when you can you can help her, and when she can maybe she can help you.

 

Its possible to remain friends with your ex, which, in return, will help this transition with your son, as he is a person too, with feelings and insecurites. Remind your wife that it will affect your son, which is not fair.

 

Good luck, divorce hurts especially with children.

 

I would also talk to a lawyer in regards to your situation just incase it goes that far.

 

I wish you the best.

[bgfrombg]

We wasn't married, we was together almost 4 years. I told her this morning that if I had the money I would help her. I have helped her before when she asked. She's never given me anything. My son is a year old. Right now I'm trying to think with his best interests in mind, that's why I don't want to go for full custody. She gets angry very easy and sometimes I think she's wanting to start a fight with me. This morning when she said she kept him more than I did, I didn't argue with her about it, just told her when I was bringing him back and left.

 

I know you only have my side of the story, that's all you'll ever get. But I don't lie when it comes to my son. He is my life, I don't want his mother out of his either, but to me it just seems like she only wants him when it's convieniant to her. She got off work friday afternoon, I figured since she hadn't spent hardly any time with him she would want him, but guess where he's at. And I have him either till tomorrow night or Monday afternoon before I go to work, then she'll keep him and I'll get him back tuesday morning.

 

I've tried to remain friends with her. I told her we was going to have to deal with it at least for the next 18 years, after that, I don't have to talk to her and she don't have to talk to me.

 

I just feel that when he gets old enough to make up his mind on his own, if she doesn't change the way she is, he's gonna wanna live with me which is fine. But she needs to decide what she wants, if she's gonna be in his life or not. It's not fair to him.

[soccorsilly]

First--go see a lawyer and get something drawn up. You need the protection and don't want her holding something over your head all your life.

 

In most states, the old school thought of custody and visitation is out the window. Shared custody is fast becoming the norm and there are formulaes that will determine who owes what in terms of child support. Typically if you are both ABLE to earn an equivalent amount of money, there will be no child support order--you pay on your time she pays on her time.

 

The courts will look for the best interest fo the child and I doubt that you can get 100% custody unless you can prove that her actions harmed or are detrimental to the child--drugs, prostitution, etc. Merely shacking up with someone will not do it, nor will most of her activities when the kid is not around.

 

But when you do get an agreement, remember it is not ironclad. Times change and any party can go back in court to get it modified. So, if she were to lose a jobm she could take it back to court to get support from you and vice versa. But it is a hassle and most people will not go to that effort for a temporary situation.