How Do I Guide My Children?

[TwoMelo]

In short, my ex-wife left my kids (2) and I about 6 years ago. We officially (legally) divorced about 1.5 years later. She did not nor would not talk to them or see them for the first 9 months or so after she left. She did eventually start seeing them for visitation every other weekend since. Since she left she has been with her current bf the entire time (she first had a three month affair with him before leaving).

 

My kids never liked her bf. In the beginning, I encouraged them to get to know him and accept him for the sake of their relationship with their mother, etc. They did try (so they told me, and from what I saw) but they never did trust him (or their mother for that matter) and over time their distrust turned into full-on hated for this man. I would always poo-poo their sentiments, but over time with them presenting more and more evidence to support their thought, I have relented and just implored them to at least respect his rules of the house and not be disrespectful whether they like him or not (I never want them to disrespect any adult not matter what that adult is doing).

 

Their dislike of him wasn't totally unfounded. He has done things that have given them the understanding that he truly does not care for them, and by default their mother doesn't care for them as much as she should (in their opinion). I have recently been talking to her after years of radio silence and she has corrected some behavior of hers towards the kids and even apologized (after 6 years) for initially leaving them.

 

My problem is that my children are taking the stance that if she was really sorry, she would leave her boyfriend. I agree, but I am more informed than they are. The bf had told me on at least 3 occasions in the past (during the time he was having the affair with my ex) that my children were not his concern,and that he only cared about my ex. I never told this to my children but he has acted out these feelings over these 6 years in subtle and sometimes passive aggressive ways.

 

I feel that they have to work things out for themselves but am I a bad person if I don't do everything I can to get them to accept their mother's choice of mate? Being completely honest with my kids would certainly ruin any chance of them ever liking him. My ex continues to try to do things to get them to like her bf but my kids recently told me they will never accept him and they would rather die before giving him the gift of their acceptance (exact quote from my 15 and 12 year old... stunned me).

 

How should I handle the situation? Am I not helping my kids by trying to support my ex's wishes, or is it the other way around. I don't want to implement my opinions on my kids and make it seem in any way that I am pulling the strings. My ex has accused me of that in the past which is the furthest thing from the truth.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[juicygirl]

Well, she made her bed and now she can lay in it.

 

It's not your job to make your children like her new boyfriend. Your children are not babies, they have minds of their own and will come to like him in their own time, if ever. To them his the guy that stole their mum and changed their lives, and to make it worst his not even trying to get them to like him, he except it to be the other way around, is he crazy?. In this case the rule, you have to give respect to get respect applies and he does not respect or like your children.

 

It your job to make sure your children well being is taken care of and that they have some kind of relationship with their mother if possible, it's not your job to aid her in her relationship.

[CC12]

Am I not helping my kids by trying to support my ex's wishes, or is it the other way around.

 

What are your ex's wishes? I don't think you mentioned that. Or I missed it.

 

I feel that they have to work things out for themselves but am I a bad person if I don't do everything I can to get them to accept their mother's choice of mate? Being completely honest with my kids would certainly ruin any chance of them ever liking him.

 

It's not your job to convince them to accept their mother's boyfriend. You "encouraged them to get to know him and accept him for the sake of their relationship with their mother, etc." You did your part. Your kids are now old enough to learn certain truths and form their own opinions (especially the 15 year old) so let the chips fall where they may. You can't shield them from their mother and her boyfriend forever. You just be there for hugs if things go badly for your kids.

[TwoMelo]

What are your ex's wishes? I don't think you mentioned that. Or I missed it.

 

I meant her wishes to be with her bf. Her wishes for them to like him I guess.

[preraph]

I say at least the bf is honest what his stance is. When you get full-on hostility from step-kids or the like, what's to like? And let's face it: It's very rare kids get on with their step-parent or bf/gf. They resent them and want their parents back together because they are too immature to understand why they shouldn't be together. Realistically, the best you can hope for in a new "step" is someone who fakes that they like them and bends over backwards to please them, but the truth is, this rarely cuts any ice either. Kids don't like steps if they think they can 1) get the parents back together 2) blame the step for the parents being apart 3) can play the parents off against each other, and it's often all three.

 

I see nothing wrong with just telling them they don't have to like him but they have to respect him as they should any adult and be polite and that any acts of hostility won't be tolerated. I also see no reason not to add that why WOULD he like them since they've not even given him a chance. The key here is they are still kids and shouldn't get to call the shots on this. They need to be told to be polite or there will be consequences.

[TwoMelo]

I see nothing wrong with just telling them they don't have to like him but they have to respect him as they should any adult and be polite and that any acts of hostility won't be tolerated. I also see no reason not to add that why WOULD he like them since they've not even given him a chance. The key here is they are still kids and shouldn't get to call the shots on this. They need to be told to be polite or there will be consequences.

 

Thanks for your thoughts preraph! Your three reasons were dead on in most cases.

 

They did give him a chance in the beginning. Over time he has done things to them that has made them not want to extend any further hospitality. They know I won't tolerate foolishness no matter what so they have been respectful, but they barely ever talk to him when they are there.

 

Plus, I think my main thing is how my ex and her bf came to be. She did basically leave them (me, but defacto them) for him. I'm not sure if that is something I just tell them to "get over" or let them work through it the rest of their lives?

[preraph]

I don't think that's info you need to share with them. Why two people break apart is never completely one-sided, although that doesn't mean either are necessarily to blame in some bad way. It's adult stuff the kids shouldn't be burdened with. Don't give them that card to play. They will just manipulate and use that. They are not mature enough to understand any of that. Plus it can really totally get you in trouble with The Court if they find out you're telling children your adult problems and dragging them further into it rather than shielding them and letting them be kids.

 

Tell them just that you and their mom will always love them no matter what and that everything else that has happened is adult problems that they mustn't worry about and to just keep being polite and well mannered.

[TwoMelo]

They are not mature enough to understand any of that. Plus it can really totally get you in trouble with The Court if they find out you're telling children your adult problems and dragging them further into it rather than shielding them and letting them be kids.

 

Tell them just that you and their mom will always love them no matter what and that everything else that has happened is adult problems that they mustn't worry about and to just keep being polite and well mannered.

 

Thanks for the comments. I wont/never have tell/told them anything. Don't need to. They were there when it happened. They tried to call her, write her, etc. when she wouldn't see them. They already know. Their opinions have been formed by them and only them. You are right that it is not right, but I am not worried about any court problems, etc.

 

I wont poison them because I just don't want to do that. My ex and her bf have tried to poison my kids against me but it never worked. Thank you again for your thoughts and advice.

[preraph]

Wishing you the best. I know it's a difficult situation. I hope things just get kind of back to normal for you and the kids soon.

[littleplanet]

I think before any respecting of the bf comes in the picture, you need to seriously think about respecting your kids' feelings.

Points:

 

- Their mother left them for (6 years?) So they were 6 and 9 at the time.

- Her bf has expressed that he doesn't like kids - more specifically - them

- At 12 and 15, they are both plenty old enough to express their honest responses to someone who doesn't like them. They have valid reasons for not liking him back.

- More than anything, their mother is the one who needs to take responsibility for this - after all, it's her bf

- If this deteriorates further, I'd even lay down the rule: (since you have custody) that she has to see her kids on her own, in a situation without the bf around.

 

Whoa! All this stuff about what the kids are old enough for? They are not tiny little kids......not even close to the age they were when this went down originally.

They're 12 and 15. That's what......grade 7 (middle school) and grade 10?

They are plenty old enough to have strong opinions of their own, about all this.

 

Just my supremely humble opinion - but you need to stand up for your kids. Their mother obviously isn't going to.

She's the one who left them behind.

You're the one who stepped in and raised them - and I'm assuming? - have been the real foundation in their lives?

I'm siding completely with CC12 here.

 

A kid has to respect an adult no matter what they do? Why? Some adults don't deserve a whole lot of respect. Kids learn to know the difference.

I suspect that any effort they make at all.....has a lot more to do with their respect for you......not their mom or her bf.

 

She's the one who should be busting her butt to reach out to them.....otherwise, when they come of age, they may want nothing to do with her.

It seems to me, from what you write, that she's far more interested in her bf, than she is in her children.

[Radu]

Would be great if ppl actually read the OP, especially since he took some time to provide lots of details.

 

I think before any respecting of the bf comes in the picture, you need to seriously think about respecting your kids' feelings.

Points:

 

- Their mother left them for (6 years?) So they were 6 and 9 at the time.

- Her bf has expressed that he doesn't like kids - more specifically - them

- At 12 and 15, they are both plenty old enough to express their honest responses to someone who doesn't like them. They have valid reasons for not liking him back.

- More than anything, their mother is the one who needs to take responsibility for this - after all, it's her bf

- If this deteriorates further, I'd even lay down the rule: (since you have custody) that she has to see her kids on her own, in a situation without the bf around.

 

Whoa! All this stuff about what the kids are old enough for? They are not tiny little kids......not even close to the age they were when this went down originally.

They're 12 and 15. That's what......grade 7 (middle school) and grade 10?

They are plenty old enough to have strong opinions of their own, about all this.

 

Just my supremely humble opinion - but you need to stand up for your kids. Their mother obviously isn't going to.

She's the one who left them behind.

You're the one who stepped in and raised them - and I'm assuming? - have been the real foundation in their lives?

I'm siding completely with CC12 here.

 

A kid has to respect an adult no matter what they do? Why? Some adults don't deserve a whole lot of respect. Kids learn to know the difference.

I suspect that any effort they make at all.....has a lot more to do with their respect for you......not their mom or her bf.

 

She's the one who should be busting her butt to reach out to them.....otherwise, when they come of age, they may want nothing to do with her.

It seems to me, from what you write, that she's far more interested in her bf, than she is in her children.

 

OP, i agree with this.

Your kids have already made up their minds about their mother and her bf, you pushed for having her in their lives, and she has passively allowed her new guy to have a superior position to her own kids.

To them it probably feels like being abandoned, again ... because last time she did in fact dump them and you, not just you.

 

Stop pushing for quality time together, and for them to 'respect' him, there's nothing to respect ... the guy contributed to the destruction of their worlds.

[todreaminblue]

sounds like there is a mutual problem here......and it isnt you who has any choices about what to do to fix it.....

 

 

speaking from experience ....my step father put up with me in the picture he resented me, my grandparents on my mums side refused to pay for their wedding as they saw his eyes when he looked at me, and it wasnt like or love int there , it was disgust..... and i was merely a bub.........you cant force anyone to like another...... and my step father tried valiantly to beat my dad out of me, out of righteousness and pious disrespect for me having breath....he tried on occasion to like me i guess......he gave me his name which i know i dont live up to....that's my cross to bear it seems for i have never married and wont change it otherwise.....it is the last name of my grandfather who i adored......i digress

 

 

the only thing that you really must do is to teach your children to show respect even though they are afforded none themselves.....its easy to respect people you care for or like, harder to respect those who you dont particularly like but that's the test of character.......i loved my step father even though he didnt love me back..he did however clothe me and teach me things wonderful qualities that he had,a drive that was unmatched....a work ethic unparalleled but he was a hard task master with defined strong mind and stoic heart albeit inherited from a soldier of a grandfather to me..........and i searched for those qualities in him when i nursed my bruises for failure........i respected him till teenage years and i moved out at fifteen...joined the navy...i respect him now.......even though he has disinherited me......

 

ultimately your children will make their choices .....instilling courtesy and respect for others when they dont suit you is not a bad thing.......the mum.....needs to decide what is more important it will come down to that....my mum she was married to my step father for over a 1/4 century........she left him because he wanted nothing to do with family he wanted her all to himself...even his own flesh and blood daughter was pushed out......so my mum made her choice....the choice that needs to be made needs to be made on your exes behalf....its nice to have cake and eat it too....but when it comes to kids...they need her more.....not him... they do......he has openly said he doesn't want them........not a good sign for longevity and i wouldn't be surprised if the mum once again abandons them to you when it gets too hard.....once a quitter always a quitter..and abandoning children once .....yeah my ex did it too for an affair......he has however said he stuffed up and we have a workable relationship built on mutual respect..with respect and honarble behaviors by all my daughters who are teens now afford his partner and she loves them that's the difference i guess...she wants them around........

 

if she does abandon again...be there and be the comfort they need..be that constancy and resolute respect they need to see.......be the firm hand that guides them to maturity and beyond so they make right decisions in relationships and that includes th echildren they have....let them see all your good qualities ....and put aide whatever you feel for your ex...its them that count.....she has to realize that or she will be the one who loses out....deb

Edited July 9, 2014 by todreaminblue

[Talukdar]

Talk with your children and suggest them how to spend their time. What to do and what should not.