Over-reacting? Heartbroken for my son.

[Confuddled1983]

I don't know if I'm just venting, if I need to talk or if I'm looking for advice really.

 

I'll try keep it brief.

 

I met my ex (father of my son) and he already had a child from a previous relationship. When we met he made out he was in contact with the child and that things were "okay" on that front. It soon transpired however that they were not, his daughter is severely disabled (blind, very poor motor skills, deaf, can't talk etc) but he made out his ex was being difficult - I heard ONE side of the story and believed it. Then we decided to have a child together.

 

He then becomes abusive, intimidating, controlling, never around for our son, cheating all the time and so on. We split and he is VERY inconsistent with our son, turning up then not turning up, paying maintenance then not paying - I soon began to sympathize with his previous ex and understood EXACTLY what she had gone through with him. Our son is 3 1/2 and already he screams when he's supposed to go to his dads and crying when I ask if he wants to see daddy.

 

He let our son down again about 10 weeks ago and I had enough and said "Look he doesn't want to go to you anyway and when he decides he wants to he can" - and so he has seen him briefly over the past 10 weeks but not had prolonged contact. During this time our son has become happier, he sleeps better, he eats better, he has less tantrums. The crux of it is when he was going to his dads he never played with him, took him anywhere etc just sat playing Xbox and ignored our son or shouted at him occasionally when he was getting on his nerves. I ask my son two or three times a week if he wants to see his daddy - he always cries and says no, if he ever says yes I will do my best to ensure he can see him.

 

Now my ex has been seeing someone else for about 6 months, lo and behold she's now 3 months pregnant. So my son will now see him playing daddy to his other child when he couldn't be bothered to be daddy to him - it is KILLING me inside. Do I have a right to feel angry? He has two children already that he hasn't made the time of day for, he never puts them first. His daughter he sees about three times a year for a couple of hours when his ex visits his family.

 

What do I do now? My son doesn't have a relationship with his sister as I said he couldn't see his sister until his dad was having proper contact as I didn't want people in and out of his life - is this the right or wrong thing to do? I am so confused. I really just want what's best for my little boy but honestly I don't know what that is. In my mind I should just move away with my son and start a fresh so he doesn't have to witness his daddy procreating all over the place.

 

Any advice (even if you think I won't want to hear it)? I'm angry - my son comes before EVERYTHING and EVERYONE but his dad just isn't the same and it breaks my heart that one day my son will probably realise this.

[Janesays]

Eh, this is what happens when you pick a lousy father for your children. My ex husband and I were married for 10 years and even when our relationship was going well, I never procreated with him. Simply because I didn't think he was cut out to a great father. And I didn't want any future children I had to suffer. The most important decision that any woman can make for her child is who father's him/her.

 

So. Yeah. You made a bad choice and there is no going back on it now. So what can you do? NOTHING, really. You just have to be 10 times the Mother and hope that is enough for your son to grow up healthy and happy.

 

Oh, and be a little choosier about his step father. Maybe if you come up with an excellent one of those, it'll give your boy a great male role model after all. Just decide right here and now that the only step father you bring into his life is THE cream of the crop. Better zero step father than a lousy one who is just like his lousy bio dad.

[Confuddled1983]

Eh, this is what happens when you pick a lousy father for your children. My ex husband and I were married for 10 years and even when our relationship was going well, I never procreated with him. Simply because I didn't think he was cut out to a great father. And I didn't want any future children I had to suffer. The most important decision that any woman can make for her child is who father's him/her.

 

So. Yeah. You made a bad choice and there is no going back on it now. So what can you do? NOTHING, really. You just have to be 10 times the Mother and hope that is enough for your son to grow up healthy and happy.

 

Oh, and be a little choosier about his step father. Maybe if you come up with an excellent one of those, it'll give your boy a great male role model after all. Just decide right here and now that the only step father you bring into his life is THE cream of the crop. Better zero step father than a lousy one who is just like his lousy bio dad.

 

I completely agree and have NO intention of meeting anyone for a long time, my son is far to young for me to even consider bringing anyone into his life just yet IMO.

 

As for picking a lousy father though, yes, I did "pick" him in a sense but sometimes people just don't turn out to be who you thought they were and even though he is lousy I can't ever regret who I had a child with because otherwise my son wouldn't be who he is.

[pteromom]

What do I do now? My son doesn't have a relationship with his sister as I said he couldn't see his sister until his dad was having proper contact as I didn't want people in and out of his life - is this the right or wrong thing to do?

 

The wrong thing. His sister has nothing to do with his father, and they can have a relationship outside of him. YOU can take him to see her and help foster their relationship.

 

But you can't control your ex.

 

What you do is everything within your control to maintain their relationship, while making sure you teach your son to have realistic expectations when it comes to his dad.

 

I'm angry - my son comes before EVERYTHING and EVERYONE but his dad just isn't the same and it breaks my heart that one day my son will probably realise this.

 

Yes, your son will realize this. But YOU have a lot of influence in how he will feel about that, and how he will process it. It doesn't have to be a traumatic experience for him...

[Confuddled1983]

The wrong thing. His sister has nothing to do with his father, and they can have a relationship outside of him. YOU can take him to see her and help foster their relationship.

 

But you can't control your ex.

 

What you do is everything within your control to maintain their relationship, while making sure you teach your son to have realistic expectations when it comes to his dad.

 

 

 

Yes, your son will realize this. But YOU have a lot of influence in how he will feel about that, and how he will process it. It doesn't have to be a traumatic experience for him...

 

I have tried to make contact with his ex and asked if she wanted to meet up, this was a year ago, she said she didn't. Previously we agreed to take them to the fair together and then my ex went mental at me for asking her to meet up. I feel I can't do right for doing wrong.

 

I always tell my son daddy loves him, when I ask if he wants to see daddy and he says no I say "...but daddy loves you too babe and he misses you" - then he kicks off "I don't want to see daddy I not going to daddies I staying with mummy".

 

My own mum bad mouthed my dad to me my entire childhood, yes he was a s*** but it damaged my relationship with my mum and it hurt. I definitely won't be making the same mistake there.

 

I tried to maintain the relationship best I could, I even advised my ex to take our son to the park or paint with him or something so that there wouldn't be so much of a tantrum when he came to pick up our son - he didn't take this on board at all. I really don't want to force my son to see him any more, it's not nice for him or me. Yet I don't want him not to have his dad. I feel my son is being hurt either way, maybe I'm being too over protective, maybe I'm just scared that I'm going to be the one forever picking up the pieces when he lets him down. Perhaps I'm letting my own experiences sway my decision - I remember as a child waiting in the window for daddy to come and daddy not turning up

[Janesays]

I completely agree and have NO intention of meeting anyone for a long time, my son is far to young for me to even consider bringing anyone into his life just yet IMO.

 

As for picking a lousy father though, yes, I did "pick" him in a sense but sometimes people just don't turn out to be who you thought they were and even though he is lousy I can't ever regret who I had a child with because otherwise my son wouldn't be who he is.

 

Yeah, yeah, I know. When I married my ex, I kinda did what you did. He had an ex with two children and he used to go on and on about the demise of his relationship with her being HER fault. And I believed him and I married him.

 

With that said, as the years went on and I saw first hand how he was with his sons, I realized that any child *I* had deserved a better Father than the one he was being to his current kids. So we never had any kids. And ended up divorced. Had I not put on those rose colored glasses and believed the 'my ex evil' lies, I probably wouldn't have wasted 10 years of my life on that jerk in the first place.

 

But, like I said, all hope isn't lost. I mean, you can even spin your relationship with your ex into a good thing as long and you learn and grow from it. Now you have a perfect example of the kind of man you DON'T want your little boy to have as a role model. Which means you can seriously sit down and think about the kind of man you DO want as his role model. And you know now to take your time, be choosy, be SURE before you bring a new man into his life. Now that you have that little boy counting on you to pick out a great dad, you can really stop yourself from ending up with another dead beat in the future.

 

I think having a positive male role model is important in ANY child's life. But that positive role model doesn't HAVE to be biologically related to him. Could be a step dad, grandpa, uncle or even a really good male friend of yours. So don't despair. Just get to searching.

[Confuddled1983]

Yeah, yeah, I know. When I married my ex, I kinda did what you did. He had an ex with two children and he used to go on and on about the demise of his relationship with her being HER fault. And I believed him and I married him.

 

With that said, as the years went on and I saw first hand how he was with his sons, I realized that any child *I* had deserved a better Father than the one he was being to his current kids. So we never had any kids. And ended up divorced. Had I not put on those rose colored glasses and believed the 'my ex evil' lies, I probably wouldn't have wasted 10 years of my life on that jerk in the first place.

 

But, like I said, all hope isn't lost. I mean, you can even spin your relationship with your ex into a good thing as long and you learn and grow from it. Now you have a perfect example of the kind of man you DON'T want your little boy to have as a role model. Which means you can seriously sit down and think about the kind of man you DO want as his role model. And you know now to take your time, be choosy, be SURE before you bring a new man into his life. Now that you have that little boy counting on you to pick out a great dad, you can really stop yourself from ending up with another dead beat in the future.

 

I think having a positive male role model is important in ANY child's life. But that positive role model doesn't HAVE to be biologically related to him. Could be a step dad, grandpa, uncle or even a really good male friend of yours. So don't despair. Just get to searching.

 

Thank you. One thing I know for sure is that when it comes to men I always go for the wrong type, I'm not saying I'm perfect but my exes have included ex heroin addicts, alcoholics, abusive people, people who have been in prison - I know why I have done this before though, I had an abusive childhood and grew up believing I was worthless, I picked men I felt I deserved or was worthy of, I've had many decent men ask me out but I've always turned them down because I never felt good enough, go figure.

 

I have changed, I have grown up a lot since having my son, I KNOW I am worth far more than what I've "settled" for in the past - but more importantly my son is. That said I am extremely worried I'd end up picking the wrong man again so if I was to meet someone it would be a long time before they were introduced to my son.

 

My priority right now is making sure I work on myself, where I've gone wrong, I need to grow and learn some more and figure out the cause of bad decisions etc before I even think about dating again. Also as my ex and I still have conflict I don't think it's right to bring another person into my life with all that going on, even if he does.

[Raena]

I feel your pain! My son hasn't seen his father since Christmas day. He went out of town for work for 2 months, called him just about every night but since he's been back in town, he hasn't bothered to call him or see him. It's been 2 weeks of complete silence. It's because he's with the skank he cheated on me with. He agreed not to introduce her to our child, but I didn't realize that meant he wouldn't bother to talk to his son at all either.

 

As for the comments about "that's what you get for picking a lousy father". That's really not all that helpful. What's done is done. Going on about how the OP made a poor choice doesn't alleviate the problem now. Nor does recommending that she find a new man to be a role model either, that's not that easy to do.

 

OP, you do what you need to do. You'll get by. You can't control what your ex does. You can only do what's best for your son. That just means that you step up to the plate and be everything for your son. That's what I've been doing. Forget about Daddy... if he doesn't want to be around then that's on him, not you or your son. And... if your son is that upset about spending time with his father, I wouldn't force it either.

 

Do you have a custody agreement? We don't have one here and I really have no intentions of taking him to court just yet. I'm hoping we can figure out how to be parents together on our own terms and not the courts terms. I figure it will take time. In the meantime, I write down everything. I keep track of when he does call, how long they talk and how often he spends time with him and the kinds of things that my son says to me about him. Should we need to take this to court, that information will come in handy.

[Janesays]

 

As for the comments about "that's what you get for picking a lousy father". That's really not all that helpful. What's done is done. Going on about how the OP made a poor choice doesn't alleviate the problem now. Nor does recommending that she find a new man to be a role model either, that's not that easy to do.

 

 

I disagree. If we fail to recognize our OWN mistakes we are doomed to repeat them. Yeah, the guy is a dead beat and HE should own that. But SHE picked him. If she doesn't recognize the part SHE played in this situation that will negatively affect her son for the rest of his life, how will she prevent herself from making that SAME, EXACT mistake in the future?

 

I am a huge advocate for personal responsibility.

 

I mean, look at the OP's own words....she has ALWAYS ended up with deadbeats. Drug addicts, criminals, etc. Why did she keep making this same mistake over and over and over again? It's because she failed to even realize she was making mistakes. She wasn't taking any personal responsibility for her decisions.

 

Now she's got a little boy depending on her and, thank goodness, it is giving her the courage to say "ENOUGH! I WILL choose better for my little boy."

 

By admitting her mistake and the role she played in this, she will do nothing but ensure a happier brighter future for her son in the future. People don't learn and grow from hiding from their mistakes. They learn and grow from FACING THEM and learning to make BETTER CHOICES.

 

And yeah, finding a great model for a kid 'isn't that easy.' But parenthood itself 'isn't that easy.'

 

If people want it 'easy,' then they have no business raising kids. They are better off with goldfish.

 

But I happen to believe the OP is up for the challenge. And nothing in life is worth having if it is easy.

[Confuddled1983]

Do you have a custody agreement? We don't have one here and I really have no intentions of taking him to court just yet. I'm hoping we can figure out how to be parents together on our own terms and not the courts terms. I figure it will take time. In the meantime, I write down everything. I keep track of when he does call, how long they talk and how often he spends time with him and the kinds of things that my son says to me about him. Should we need to take this to court, that information will come in handy.

 

Thank you, no we don't. He says he's been in touch with a solicitor but this was about 6 weeks ago and I've not heard anything.

 

My response to court will simply be that if they wish to force my three year old to see his dad against his wishes then they can come and force him themselves, I want no part of it. I can't have my ex at my house as he threatens me. He's had me by the throat saying he'll kill me, he's threatened to throw me out of windows - and just a couple of weeks ago he thought I was seeing someone else and went mental and said he was going to ruin my life. I don't speak to him on the phone as he'll make up lies about what has been said so I only speak with him at his work where there are witnesses.

 

I'm not sure how the courts would view it that he is fighting to see his son but not his daughter? Or the fact he's got another person pregnant before addressing his relationship with his other two children. IMO they'll see him to be the irresponsible parent he is, I hope.

 

If you read my other thread on here you'll see what I mean about him being abusive and stuff and more about why I question him being around our son.

 

It's so hard. My little boy is in bed and I've just been sat here having a little cry because I do worry about how he's going to feel about everything, maybe not now but in the future.

[Confuddled1983]

 

And yeah, finding a great model for a kid 'isn't that easy.' But parenthood itself 'isn't that easy.'

 

If people want it 'easy,' then they have no business raising kids. They are better off with goldfish.

 

 

I'm always thinking when people saying parenting is easy that they're doing it wrong! It's the hardest thing I have ever done but certainly the most rewarding. Especially as he's a polite, caring and helpful little boy - he makes me proud every single day

[Raena]

Janesays: All I was saying was that bashing her for choosing that man to be the father of her child isn't helping her. It's done already. What purpose does it serve to say... "well I didn't do that because I knew better, but you did and now look at you." That's just the way your original response to her came across. Kind of like... "well see, I saw the signs and chose not to have a child with him, why didn't you?"

 

I get what you are saying to her though, she does need to choose more wisely in the future. It isn't just about her anymore.

 

And... I can relate oh so well. Yeah, my son's father is a piece of crap too. Yeah, I should have seen the signs long ago but for whatever stupid reason, I believed him when he promised me the world. I got hurt too and now my son is also hurting because of it. I can't control what happened in the past nor can I change it. Neither can the OP. The only thing I can do is focus on now and the future.

 

So let's focus more on what to do from here on out, not about what poor choices were made in the past.

 

OP... just keep a record of everything that is happening. Don't talk to him on the phone or in person, get him to text you instead or email.

 

If you do end up going to court, they will more than likely tell you that you will have to let your son go be with his father. Unless you can prove that he is abusive to him. Can you prove it? Your refusal to let him go, while understandable, might not look well on you come court time. It's something I've had to consider as well.

[Tayla]

This man every day has a 50% chance to change. So looking towards the future, let your son know that there is hope that his Father and him could well have a solid relations. For now, ,build upon your stengths as a loving mother. You are absolutely in your right to feel whatever it is your feeling. Be it disappointment, anger, or downright discouraged. Its difficult to be both mother and father to a young child. So Be yourself, the loving parent, who carries the best of intent for him. He'll know in time.

 

Kudos to you for not berating the other parent, that is maturity and well worth the investment down the road. Children are perceptive when it comes to that dynamic.

[Confuddled1983]

Thanks everyone. When I posted last night I had just found out, one of the reasons I'm so furious is because he saw his son yesterday and yet didn't tell him that he's going to have another brother or sister - yet his partner had posted it all over Facebook. (His sister gave me a heads up the minute it went on Facebook so at least I heard it from her). I live in such a small town and now I know that when I take my son to school today at least one person will be asking him if he's excited to be a big brother ...... which of course means that this news has to come from me. He will be asking if I'm having a baby and why baby isn't living with us, I will have to be the one to try and explain and I'm just sick of being the one who has to explain away his daddys actions.

I just can't believe it was all over Facebook before he had the decency to tell his own son. Feels like just one thing after another with him.

[Confuddled1983]

 

OP... just keep a record of everything that is happening. Don't talk to him on the phone or in person, get him to text you instead or email.

 

If you do end up going to court, they will more than likely tell you that you will have to let your son go be with his father. Unless you can prove that he is abusive to him. Can you prove it? Your refusal to let him go, while understandable, might not look well on you come court time. It's something I've had to consider as well.

 

I already only ever speak to him at his work or via texts where everything is witnessed or on record due to his abusiveness.

 

Can I prove this? Well I'm not sure if it was recorded when I had to contact womens aid but the police were meant to come and change my locks for me due him being abusive and threatening to take our son. He snatched our son from his buggy when we were in the street before, just ripped him from his buggy, he was about 2 at the time and he was seeing him regularly so don't even know what that little outburst was about. I had to follow him to his dads house and sit there with him calling me every name under the sun infront of our child for about an hour before he went to the bathroom and I managed to run out of the house with him.

 

To be honest if my son asked to see daddy or answered yes any time I asked him then I would allow him to spend quality time with him, but he cries and screams, yet he's excited to see nanna, to see his aunt, his grandad or uncle? He's only 3, I don't understand it and it concerns me.

 

Over the past ten weeks he sees him almost every day when we walk past his work on the way to school. Then his sister has him overnight sometimes so he could see him then but he just spends ten minutes with him then goes off to see his girlfriend

 

His sister says she understands, she's witnessed me asking our son on numerous occasions and has seen me try and gently coax him and tell him that daddy loves him very much - so she knows it's not me.

 

It's hard being the only parent who puts in 100%, I'm the one that from day one has been there 24/7, I've never walked away or turned my back on him and to be honest I've done an amazing job of raising him - I guess I worry that his dads actions may undo the hard work I do. He's just always calmer, more settled and happier when he doesn't have to stay at daddys.

[scorpio1978]

I already only ever speak to him at his work or via texts where everything is witnessed or on record due to his abusiveness.

 

Can I prove this? Well I'm not sure if it was recorded when I had to contact womens aid but the police were meant to come and change my locks for me due him being abusive and threatening to take our son. He snatched our son from his buggy when we were in the street before, just ripped him from his buggy, he was about 2 at the time and he was seeing him regularly so don't even know what that little outburst was about. I had to follow him to his dads house and sit there with him calling me every name under the sun infront of our child for about an hour before he went to the bathroom and I managed to run out of the house with him.

 

To be honest if my son asked to see daddy or answered yes any time I asked him then I would allow him to spend quality time with him, but he cries and screams, yet he's excited to see nanna, to see his aunt, his grandad or uncle? He's only 3, I don't understand it and it concerns me.

 

Over the past ten weeks he sees him almost every day when we walk past his work on the way to school. Then his sister has him overnight sometimes so he could see him then but he just spends ten minutes with him then goes off to see his girlfriend

 

His sister says she understands, she's witnessed me asking our son on numerous occasions and has seen me try and gently coax him and tell him that daddy loves him very much - so she knows it's not me.

 

It's hard being the only parent who puts in 100%, I'm the one that from day one has been there 24/7, I've never walked away or turned my back on him and to be honest I've done an amazing job of raising him - I guess I worry that his dads actions may undo the hard work I do. He's just always calmer, more settled and happier when he doesn't have to stay at daddys.

 

 

 

There is going to come a point in time when your son will realize on his own what his father has contributed. He will see he families of others and have interaction with the fathers of some of his friends and can make up his own mind about his father.

 

 

It's easy to be worried that your hard work will be sabotaged, but I doubt it. He is already showing you in his own way how he feels about his dad and I am sure you are doing a great job of raising him.

 

 

The best you can do is just keep doing what you're doing- do your best to ensure he can see his dad, don't keep the father from him, explain to your son that his father loves him, and keep on. You can rest easy knowing that you never kept your son from his father and that you did the best you could.

 

 

I wish you well