h9dlb Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Ex who cheated on me and left me asked me out of the blue to have our 14 yr old daughter for week while she goes on holiday with her new boyfriend in June. Not heard a peep from her in almost 2 months and I've been doing NC. I told her no chance. She says I won't get to see my daughter otherwise throughout the summer holidays or the rest of the year (i.e she's saying she won't let me see our daughter unless I agree to her demand). Was I being unreasonable? I would love to have my daughter for a week but I don't want to enable her with her new bf. Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 What's more important? Seeing your daughter or sticking it to your ex? 9 Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Ummm... you're punishing your daughter because your ex cheated on you? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Agree with the others - your daughter is being put in the middle - by both of you. Do you have a relationship with your daughter? If so, why aren't you jumping at the chance to have her? Do you hate your ex that much? If so, learn to love your daughter more than you hate your ex. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author h9dlb Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 1) I don't agree to being blackmailed 2) I'm at work anyway 3) Why should I babysit while she goes off an have fun basically I only get to see my daughter when it's convenient to her Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Yikes. You sound like one heck of a great father. Your daughter is soooo lucky to have you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 So you'd rather just not see your daughter, because it's on your ex's term. Right... That sounds like an amazing dad! I agree that the blackmail part is not great and not ok. But to say no because you want to stick it to your ex? You get no support from me on this one... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author h9dlb Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 Don't you people read? I'm at work so she would be alone in my house for the week Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 1) I don't agree to being blackmailed 2) I'm at work anyway 3) Why should I babysit while she goes off an have fun basically I only get to see my daughter when it's convenient to her You know what? Do her a favour and don't take her. Parents with an attitude like yours are disgusting. You've been given the greatest gift, and you're squandering it. Nuts to you. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 1) I don't agree to being blackmailed 2) I'm at work anyway 3) Why should I babysit while she goes off an have fun 1) Do you have a custody agreement in place? If you do, then she can't "blackmail" you over it. Just follow the agreement to the letter. 2) This is a weak excuse. You could take some time off, and if that's not possible, find some things she can keep herself busy with while you're at work. You can do fun father/daughter stuff in your off time. 3) It's not babysitting when it's your own kid. Look, please don't take too much offense to this, but you're really looking like a jerk right now. You said you would love to have her for the week. Yet you're considering giving up an opportunity to do something enjoyable and healthy for yourself and your daughter, just to make your ex's plans a tiny bit more difficult. You know, it's super likely this vacation is going to happen anyway and if your daughter doesn't stay with you, she'll just stay with another family member or maybe one of her friends from school. And you know, she'll probably wonder why she's not going to dad's house. Or worse, she'll actually be told the real reason why, which is that dad hates mom and wanted to make her life difficult. Or to sugar-coat it, "dad has to work." Which she'll probably recognize as a weak excuse. Spend every moment you can with your daughter. This is the most important thing you can do. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted March 1, 2014 Share Posted March 1, 2014 1) I don't agree to being blackmailed 2) I'm at work anyway 3) Why should I babysit while she goes off an have fun basically I only get to see my daughter when it's convenient to her 1. it isn't blackmail 2. guess what -- sometimes you have to take time off to parent. 3. it isn't babysitting when it is your child. its called parenting. Don't you people read? I'm at work so she would be alone in my house for the week So? Figure it out. I take it you don't believe in taking time off when your kid is sick either? Its your parenting time -- find a sitter or take off from work. Its not that difficult if you really think about it. You were given plenty of notice to take time off. Why shouldn't you be responsible for parenting her? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JamieA Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Ex who cheated on me and left me asked me out of the blue to have our 14 yr old daughter for week while she goes on holiday with her new boyfriend in June. Not heard a peep from her in almost 2 months and I've been doing NC. I told her no chance. She says I won't get to see my daughter otherwise throughout the summer holidays or the rest of the year (i.e she's saying she won't let me see our daughter unless I agree to her demand). Was I being unreasonable? I would love to have my daughter for a week but I don't want to enable her with her new bf. Yes very unreasonable. I think you only came here to get support for not agreeing to take her. Sorry you won't get that here. Your daughter is at a critical age IMO where she needs to see you daily. Since that can't happen then you should jump at the opportunity to see her whenever you can regardless of the method you are seeing her. Also just a side thought. While you are NC with your X, I hope you are still in contact with your daughter. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Don't you people read? Yes, we do. I'm at work so she would be alone in my house for the week. Well, if the daughter were a toddler that would be an issue. But since your daughter is....14......The 14 yr old can relax with her computer during the day, then you can cook dinner together, go to a movie, etc. You have 4 months' notice to make plans so maybe you could even get off work and spend real time with your kid! Many parents would be thrilled...anyone who really wants to spend time with their kid that is. I would love to have my daughter for a week.... Don't you listen to yourself? ....but I don't want to enable her with her new bf. Attempting to use your child as an anchor to hang around you ex's neck to prevent the ex from fully enjoying a vacation is sleazy mean, as others have pointed out, and also ineffective. Also nothing would please a nasty ex more, than for you to look like (actually, BE) a jerk in this way. Again, it comes down to whether you are willing to deeply hurt and offend your daughter just to make a peevish and useless slap at your ex. I hope we can convince you your answer should be No. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Don't you people read? I'm at work so she would be alone in my house for the week Then book the week off of work, tell your boss the situation and hopefully they can give you the time off. Either way, you HAVE to work this out, I know you hate your ex - But focus on your daughter. Use this time to bond with her and show her what a loving and great dad you are! Forget your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 1) I don't agree to being blackmailed 2) I'm at work anyway 3) Why should I babysit while she goes off an have fun basically I only get to see my daughter when it's convenient to her Then take your ex to court and FIGHT to get shared custody!!! WTF man, this girl is YOUR daughter and her needs come first! Bolded. You should be JUMPING with joy that you get a week with your 14 year old daughter. Reading that you view it as 'babysitting' is insulting. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JamieA Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Then take your ex to court and FIGHT to get shared custody!!! WTF man, this girl is YOUR daughter and her needs come first! Bolded. You should be JUMPING with joy that you get a week with your 14 year old daughter. Reading that you view it as 'babysitting' is insulting. I never understand why some men refer to time with their children as babysitting. Especially a 14 year old! OP based on your other thread, I think you need to go to court to get full custody of your daughter. I'm not so sure she is safe in her mother's care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 You seem to be so focused on your ex that you are forgetting about what your daughter is going to think about your rejection. In a few years, when your daughter is able to decide for herself when she wants to visit you, don't be surprised that you aren't on HER list of priorities either. Of course, since it seems that your daughter is nothing more than an inconvenience to you anyway, it probably won't matter--you'll just blame your ex for turning her against you. After all, for you, punishing your ex is more important than being a father. Remember that when you're old & lonely and your grandkids don't even know who you are. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 1) I don't agree to being blackmailed Nobody ever does. 2) I'm at work anyway 24hs / day, 7 full days ? You won't come home ? Not even reduce your workload a little to see your little girl who is at that age where a male rolemodel is supposed to be important in determining her future life partner ? 3) Why should I babysit while she goes off an have fun basically I only get to see my daughter when it's convenient to her That's how it goes, in these situations having a vagina gives you power. So what are you going to do ?; refuse to play her game and damage your daughter for your ego, or play her game and slowly make sure you 'win' the most important battle, the one for your daughter's affection and love. Link to post Share on other sites
justhadto Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 Go to court....sucks she cheated Link to post Share on other sites
firemanq Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 (edited) 1) Do you have a custody agreement in place? If you do, then she can't "blackmail" you over it. Just follow the agreement to the letter. 2) This is a weak excuse. You could take some time off, and if that's not possible, find some things she can keep herself busy with while you're at work. You can do fun father/daughter stuff in your off time. 3) It's not babysitting when it's your own kid. Look, please don't take too much offense to this, but you're really looking like a jerk right now. You said you would love to have her for the week. Yet you're considering giving up an opportunity to do something enjoyable and healthy for yourself and your daughter, just to make your ex's plans a tiny bit more difficult. You know, it's super likely this vacation is going to happen anyway and if your daughter doesn't stay with you, she'll just stay with another family member or maybe one of her friends from school. And you know, she'll probably wonder why she's not going to dad's house. Or worse, she'll actually be told the real reason why, which is that dad hates mom and wanted to make her life difficult. Or to sugar-coat it, "dad has to work." Which she'll probably recognize as a weak excuse. Spend every moment you can with your daughter. This is the most important thing you can do. CC112, good post and I agree with all that you said. Except for the "Do you have a custody agreement in place? If you do, then she can't "blackmail" you over it. Just follow the agreement to the letter." As a fireman, I only had every third weekend off. Not even that sometimes, as I was the junior man at the station. I often did not have my kids on our weekend because "it was not convenient" or "we have something special planned". I told the kids what their mother said and soon they saw I was not as evil they were told. The mother's efforts drove a wedge between them and herself, not the children and me. Reading the OP's posts, I think he is trying to evade his responsibilities to his daughter. This at a time when she desperately needs a stable male figure in her life. I know, I did not get to see my daughter's first date, or the prom or other important milestones in their lives. Or my son's for that matter. Can you tell I am still bitter over her childish actions? Edited May 18, 2014 by firemanq spelling Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 1) I don't agree to being blackmailed 2) I'm at work anyway 3) Why should I babysit while she goes off an have fun basically I only get to see my daughter when it's convenient to her What difference does it make to you what your EX is doing as long as you get to spend time with your child? You should hope she's off having fun all the time so you get a chance to be with your daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 Don't you people read? I'm at work so she would be alone in my house for the week Do you work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 365 days a year? No? Then who cares. You can see her in the evenings. Don't you, in your infinite wisdom and intelligence, have a custody/visitation order? You seem more bent on sticking it to the ex. A 14 year old is hardly one you have to "baby sit". You must not have been a really hands on dad. BTW, Dads do NOT baby sit. They parent. Get a clue before your daughter tells you to take a hike. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tushai Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 Your ex should of planned time with you and daughter before planning the holiday with her bf. I understand your "babysitting" point. Perhaps you could suggest a week that you feel more comfortable with, and her and her bf could holiday then ? It IS blackmail when she says she wont allow you time with you daughter any other time during the year.. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 Was I being unreasonable? I would love to have my daughter for a week but I don't want to enable her with her new bf. God, grow up. You can no longer control her. You two are over. She gets to date whether you take care of the kid or not. I see divorce transcripts sometimes and did you know that a big percentage of fathers don't even care if they have any custody until they find out their exes have begun seeing another man -- and then they go back to their lawyer and the court and try to get custody simply as a way to control their exes? It doesn't work, of course, since every family judge in the world sees this predictable and childish reaction over and over again. Why you haven't already gotten a court-mandated custody arrangement so you can stop haggling tells me that you may want the interaction still. You two clearly need a formal custody arrangement where you have set times you know it's your responsibility to care for your child and stop playing these games and trying to control and manipulate each other and otherwise, stay out of each other's lives. Stop thinking about yourself and your jealousy and inability to let go and think about your kid. Being a parent means being there for your child, and not just when you have nothing better to do but making them a priority. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
seekingpeaceinlove Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 Poor daughter. Stuck between a bitter father and a selfish and manipulative mother. I really can't believe the OP wrote: " Why should I babysit while she goes off an have fun" Blows my mind that he would consider spending time with his daughter as "babysitting." POOR DAUGHTER. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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