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Dating a girl who has a daughter. Problems.


Soundsystem00

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Soundsystem00

My girlfriend has a 5 year old daughter. We have been together for about 7 months now. Her 5 year old has very bad behavior in my opinion.

 

The other day at the mall, she wanted a cupcake. My girl didn't want to get her one so she got on the floor and screamed bloody murder. My girl picked her up and her daughter started kicking her and hitting her with her magic wand.

 

At that point, after spectating this reoccurring issue for months, I finally stepped in. I spanked her in the middle of the mall and carried her to the car. I feel like my girl never disciplines her kid and that is the reason she is out of control.

 

My girl felt uncomfortable about me doing that and told me she does not want me to do that anymore. That I am crossing boundaries. She may be right. I just sometimes feel frustrated and disappointed by the situation. I even have became extremely depressed over it.

 

I need some advice on what to do because it is putting a huge strain on this relationship. I love this girl with all my heart and would do anything to make things work, but this is really hard.

 

The father is pretty much non existent on the child's life. He dumped my gf after she had the kid and disappeared for years. He finally came back into te picture a few years ago but outs forth little to no effort to see her. Maybe sees her 3-4 days out of the month. I feel a huge pressure to be a father figure. I'm only 26 and don't know the first thing about kids. She's 33.

Need some advice. Anything. Thank you.

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I assume you live in the US.

What you just did could be considered child abuse.

 

I'm not debating why you did it as your gf should have in principle disciplined, and not this way.

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You crossed a HUGE boundary by putting your hands on her daughter IMO. You say you've observed this behaviour for months, have you ever said anything? Offered suggestions? Talked about it?

 

It seems like you jumped from just watching her parenting style and daughters bad behavior to taking matters into your own hands.

 

Big mistake.

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Soundsystem00
You crossed a HUGE boundary by putting your hands on her daughter IMO. You say you've observed this behaviour for months, have you ever said anything? Offered suggestions? Talked about it?

 

It seems like you jumped from just watching her parenting style and daughters bad behavior to taking matters into your own hands.

 

Big mistake.

 

Yeah we have discussed it endlessly. She does nothing. She gives her daughter everything she wants and just sits there while the daughter walks all over her. It's almost like she bullies her. And it seems to be getting worse every day.

 

Of course I made a mistake and it won't happen again, but I need some positive advice and something helpful plz.

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Yeah we have discussed it endlessly. She does nothing. She gives her daughter everything she wants and just sits there while the daughter walks all over her. It's almost like she bullies her. And it seems to be getting worse every day.

 

Of course I made a mistake and it won't happen again, but I need some positive advice and something helpful plz.

How old is your GF? Is her mother a positive role model? She probably has no idea how to even parent her daughter.

 

If she's open to it, suggest parenting classes, get her books, try family counseling. If you're serious about this woman - you can even offer to join.

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I see this ending in tears, because the daughter will play you two off against one another, and will appeal to her mother to intercede on her behalf.

You two have to be single-minded when it comes to what is acceptable behaviour from this child, and what isn't.

While you're at obvious loggerheads, that isn't going to happen.

And TbH, this child, whatever her father's presence/role in her life, is NOT your responsibility.

 

I hate to say it, but this is what I personally would view as a deal-breaker.

 

I'm afraid, in your shoes, I'd sadly call it a day.

 

And tell her why.

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Yup, this will not work out ... because even though what you did was wrong, it was your gf's role to do.

You can't do it for her, and even if you do it 'legally' [like i said ... child abuse], you still can't do it for her.

 

If you are serious about this girl, she comes as a package [with her daughter], and as an adult she has to make you and her daughter work out overall.

That means that she has to give punishment for her actions.

 

This applies differently in this situation, because if she dishes out punishment to her now, she appears to side with you.

It's not normal for her to side with you, it could damage the child, genuinely make her feel betrayed.

 

You both made mistakes.

Your mistake was acting on this, and the way you acted.

Her mistake was inaction and not controlling her child.

 

This relationship was already dead, your action may have accelerated it's death though.

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I actually gasped at this thread.

 

If a guy I was dating put his hand on my child, the relationship would be over right there and then in the mall.

 

Your gf is who she is. You can talk to her and offer your help or advice if she wants it. You can offer to work with her on rules and boundaries and consequences. But in the end, how she parents her daughter is her choice.

 

If you cannot live with the way she parents, it is in everyone's best interest to just move on.

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Soundsystem00

Lol. The relationship is not over. I'm not giving up over something like that. She is not mad and was really understanding and forgiving.

I just have to take a step back and let her do the parenting.

 

As difficult as it may be.

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Like a hole in a jumper, this is just going to get bigger, if not attended to....

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Soundsystem00
Get ready for that child to be a huge brat for its entire existence if mom never does anything about it.

 

First decent advice I've seen!

 

This forum sucks. Horrible advice guys.

 

*closes window*

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We've basically given you that advice, but in more words.

And that's not 'advice' that's 'opinion'.

 

There's a difference....

 

Given this forum's history, length of existence and number of members with a huge load of posts to their names (I count myself similarly privileged) perhaps if you'd phrased your inital post better, we would have given better 'advice'.

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My girlfriend has a 5 year old daughter. We have been together for about 7 months now. Her 5 year old has very bad behavior in my opinion.

 

The other day at the mall, she wanted a cupcake. My girl didn't want to get her one so she got on the floor and screamed bloody murder. My girl picked her up and her daughter started kicking her and hitting her with her magic wand.

 

At that point, after spectating this reoccurring issue for months, I finally stepped in. I spanked her in the middle of the mall and carried her to the car. I feel like my girl never disciplines her kid and that is the reason she is out of control.

 

My girl felt uncomfortable about me doing that and told me she does not want me to do that anymore. That I am crossing boundaries. She may be right. I just sometimes feel frustrated and disappointed by the situation. I even have became extremely depressed over it.

 

I need some advice on what to do because it is putting a huge strain on this relationship. I love this girl with all my heart and would do anything to make things work, but this is really hard.

 

The father is pretty much non existent on the child's life. He dumped my gf after she had the kid and disappeared for years. He finally came back into te picture a few years ago but outs forth little to no effort to see her. Maybe sees her 3-4 days out of the month. I feel a huge pressure to be a father figure. I'm only 26 and don't know the first thing about kids. She's 33.

Need some advice. Anything. Thank you.

 

See, you gave us the impression that the situation calls for strong measures.

If that's not what you meant, don't blame us for mis-reading it....

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My girlfriend has a 5 year old daughter. We have been together for about 7 months now. Her 5 year old has very bad behavior in my opinion.

 

The other day at the mall, she wanted a cupcake. My girl didn't want to get her one so she got on the floor and screamed bloody murder. My girl picked her up and her daughter started kicking her and hitting her with her magic wand.

 

At that point, after spectating this reoccurring issue for months, I finally stepped in. I spanked her in the middle of the mall and carried her to the car. I feel like my girl never disciplines her kid and that is the reason she is out of control.

 

My girl felt uncomfortable about me doing that and told me she does not want me to do that anymore. That I am crossing boundaries. She may be right. I just sometimes feel frustrated and disappointed by the situation. I even have became extremely depressed over it.

 

I need some advice on what to do because it is putting a huge strain on this relationship. I love this girl with all my heart and would do anything to make things work, but this is really hard.

 

The father is pretty much non existent on the child's life. He dumped my gf after she had the kid and disappeared for years. He finally came back into te picture a few years ago but outs forth little to no effort to see her. Maybe sees her 3-4 days out of the month. I feel a huge pressure to be a father figure. I'm only 26 and don't know the first thing about kids. She's 33.

Need some advice. Anything. Thank you.

 

My grandson used to throw these fits, FTR they do grow out of them, at least my grandson did. He was out of control when these "fits" would take place and I'm not sure what triggered this behavior. The obvious would be a power struggle, but I think diet had something to do with it also- he ate too much sugar IMO- though not every "fit" was after eating sugar, that stuff is like a drug. Nothing worked as far as discipline with him, it's like when they started he couldn't control himself. They started at 18 mo old and continued until about the age of 5.

 

I think your gf should have been the one administering the spanking, which IMO AND experience was much needed.

 

My son did this when he was 3 or 4 in a public place. I took him outside and spanked his backside. He never did that again.

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Lol. The relationship is not over. I'm not giving up over something like that. She is not mad and was really understanding and forgiving.

I just have to take a step back and let her do the parenting.

 

As difficult as it may be.

 

This will be VERY hard and not to mention embarrassing. Unless this behavior ceases, your behavior will have to adjust as you won't want to go anywhere fearing an episode. Anger rises. I wanted to, well won't say what I wanted to do, but I am a hot head and not very tolerant when it came to my own kids and their bad behavior. They were required to respect me and others, and in a store I consider that as disrespect to others.

 

If you can adjust and sit on your hands then that might work, although if you're hoping the discipline part will change…well, that might not happen.

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You definitely shouldn't have spanked the kid. My kids have been living (part time) with my ex and her husband for nine years, and even now, I'd be mad if I found out he'd physically disciplined them. Just like I'd never physically discipline my wife's kids -- that's her responsibility, and hers alone.

 

Okay, that's out of the way.

 

Your GF needs to change how she deals with her kid. Constantly giving in to her sends the wrong message. She should have started doing this a few years ago when the temper tantrums started, but hopefully this is a case of "better late than never".

 

The change is as follows. The next time the kid starts freaking out because she wants something she's being denied, your GF needs to tell her to stop it immediately, because if she doesn't, she'll pick her up and leave with her, no warning. And if she doesn't stop -- and this is the crucial part -- YOUR GF MUST FOLLOW THROUGH ON THE THREAT. The effect will be even more amplified if the freakout happens at an amusement park or toy store or somewhere fun, because the kid obviously REALLY won't want to leave.

 

The kid will be PISSED, and flail around and basically act like a small psychotic a s s hole. But she will have learned something.

 

Then, the NEXT time she freaks out, your GF reminds her of what happened last time, and how the kid didn't like that too much. If the freakout doesn't stop, again your GF picks her up and leaves with her.

 

Repeat, as many times as needed to produce a behaviour modification.

 

I had pretty good lessons on this kind of thing from my parents; they were "strict", but kind and not abusive in any way. I knew from an early age that I wouldn't get what I wanted by throwing a tantrum. I passed that on to each of my kids, and started using it on them between the ages of about 2-3. Only had to do it twice, MAYBE three times with each of them, before they "got it".

 

Your GF's daughter is older so it may take more repetitions, but she should eventually figure it out. The keys to success are consistency, and follow-through.

 

Hope this helps.

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She does nothing. She gives her daughter everything she wants and just sits there while the daughter walks all over her. It's almost like she bullies her.

 

Yeah, the 5 year old is a "bully"...says the guy who just hit a defenseless 5 year old.

 

Ever hear of books about positive child raising? There are even entire sections devoted to child raising, if you walk into a bookstore.

 

The fact that the mom was so understanding when you hit her kid tells me this kid is in for a rough time. The mom is not only incompetent and ineffectual, she's not protective.

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HokeyReligions

Ditto what others said

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed non relevant parts
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Soundsystem00

Guys, thank you. All advice has been excellent. I was upset that day and heard something I didn't want to hear. I'm all for spanking. It's how I was brought up and IMO, is sometimes necessary.

 

That doesn't make it right in this situation though. It's not my place.

 

Yes, this may end up destroying the relationship. I'm going to let the dust settle from this incident first, but things aren't looking good.

 

It's getting to the point where I can't stand being around the kid. The only time the father watches her is every other weekend. So that's a lot of time that I can't stand being in the relationship.

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It happened to me once. I was in a toy store. My son was indeed 5 at the time. I guess we were there to buy something for one of his friends' birthday.

 

Once at the cash, and realizing I was not going to buy anything for him, and wanting something *very much*, he threw a fit. In no time, he was screaming, crying and lying on the floor. A very bad scene.

 

I was paying at the cash, and you can imagine how I could feel, with all the people around... But I stayed in control. I smiled at the lady at the cash and said "Sorry, it's the first time something like this happens." And I told my son, all that was not going to work and he'd better get up because I was leaving the store. Luckily, people around me didn't step in.

 

I left the store and we walked to the parking lot, where my car was. Once in the car, I had a talk eye to eye with him. I told him that what just happened didn't have to happen anymore. That he was not going to get anything like that. And a few other things. He kept crying, but this time silently. He realized he did the wrong thing and was sad about it. But it was something he couldn't control. Children learn to control their reactions, and feelings at that age. I consoled him, I hugged him, and I let him know that when possible, I'm more than welcome to make him happy buying what he wants. But he had to deserve it first.

 

It was the only time that ever happened. Because children do remember such things so vividly, better than anything else. They learn by experience.

 

This is my own experience. Extending it to other situations, I think that's the best thing to do. Keep your cool (this piece of advice is obviously, entirely for her mother), show her who's in control, don't give her too much attention while that is happening. Then, as soon as you've moved out of the context where that just happened, you talk to her and quietly explain that will do nothing for her and what she wants, and that is not the right way for her to ask for things. You hug her and you say you love her, but she needs to behave a little bit better. And you make peace.

The lesson will remain in her heart. But the next time, you must be up to the situation, and prove that all that you said was true.

 

Regarding the slapping: I would say that it greatly depends how that is done. A man's hand and force can really hurt. If it's just a pat like a pat on the shoulder, it's mainly symbolic. Anything else should be better done by her mother. But one thing is very important: that little girl will remember what you have done, and you now have to make up for it. ASAP. Or the risk is she will become hostile with you.

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My girlfriend has a 5 year old daughter. We have been together for about 7 months now. Her 5 year old has very bad behavior in my opinion.

 

The other day at the mall, she wanted a cupcake. My girl didn't want to get her one so she got on the floor and screamed bloody murder. My girl picked her up and her daughter started kicking her and hitting her with her magic wand.

 

At that point, after spectating this reoccurring issue for months, I finally stepped in. I spanked her in the middle of the mall and carried her to the car. I feel like my girl never disciplines her kid and that is the reason she is out of control.

 

My girl felt uncomfortable about me doing that and told me she does not want me to do that anymore. That I am crossing boundaries. She may be right. I just sometimes feel frustrated and disappointed by the situation. I even have became extremely depressed over it.

 

I need some advice on what to do because it is putting a huge strain on this relationship. I love this girl with all my heart and would do anything to make things work, but this is really hard.

 

The father is pretty much non existent on the child's life. He dumped my gf after she had the kid and disappeared for years. He finally came back into te picture a few years ago but outs forth little to no effort to see her. Maybe sees her 3-4 days out of the month. I feel a huge pressure to be a father figure. I'm only 26 and don't know the first thing about kids. She's 33.

Need some advice. Anything. Thank you.

 

There are ways of handling this other than spanking. Yes you did cross the line big time. Read up on time outs, how to distract a kid and how to handle meltdowns. She will learn NO isn't the worst thing in the world, without being spanked.

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All this advice is brilliant and right on the money but of absolutely no worth at all if his GF protests, argues, resists or refuses to co-operate, contribute or comply. She and the OP have to be in complete agreement and on the same page, because otherwise, no amount of 'good parenting' on his part will make the slightest difference.

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