Jump to content

"Step-Parenting"


FeelingEmpty83

Recommended Posts

FeelingEmpty83

So my BF and I recently broke up, and one of our biggest issues was my kids.

 

Brief history: We lived together for almost 4 years, with my daughters (now aged 8 and 10) spending every other week with us. He does not have kids of his own. He works nights, so he would actually only see the girls Friday through Sunday, every other week. Some days they'd be in-seperatable, other days they would fight like cats and dogs! Some days he'd have the patience of a saint, other days he'd be irritated by the slightest thing, and they could do no right. I felt like they were constantly trying to win his attention and affection, and didn't think it was fair or healthy for them.

 

 

The girls and I moved out in November, and since then I have been hit in the face at how much he has missed them, and they him! It's amazing how a little time and space has put so much into perspective for both him and I. He has told me that he never really felt accepted by them, and that he never felt like "a family" with us. He also admitted that he feels like he's constantly being compared to their Dad by them, and he knows it's a comparison that he'll always come in inferior to. He doesn't feel like he has any impact on their lives.

 

I feel like HE never really accepted them. I feel like there just wasn't the understanding and empathy there that parents have. They are not perfect, but by no means are they bad kids, but he always seemed to find the bad. I tried to be understanding, knowing that he's never really had to deal with kids before, and constantly reminding myself that before this "ready made family" moved into his house, he was a "professional bachelor". I kept telling myself that, eventually it would all fall into place and work out...but after almost 4 years, I guess I gave up hope.

 

Him and I as a couple are (for the most part) a really good match, and have both said we'd like to try to work things out. We have a lot of things we have to work on both individually, together, and as a "family", but we both feel it's worth it.

 

My questions are...What can I do to help build their relationships? And with our schedules the way they are, am I expecting too much out of it all? At what point should I expect to see improvement as far as "acceptance" on both sides goes? Is this something that won't come until they are adults, looking back? If the relationship isn't harmful to my kids in any way (verbal, physical, etc) is it okay, and normal to worry about and be concerned about them all? I just don't know exactly what I should expect out of him, as far as they go...? I'm kind of lost with the whole thing, and constantly feel tugged in both directions and put in the middle. I'd love to hear the perspectives of other step parents who are in his position, to hopefully help me better understand his point of view. I know it must be a terribly difficult adjustment...

 

(Not that it matters, but kids "together" is not possible)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think a step-parent is a totally different relationship than that of the bio parent, no matter what the age. What I think is important, is that both parties treat each other with respect. When I re-married, I told my sons that while he wasn't their father (they were 14 and 16) that they had to listen to him just as they would any other adult. It goes both ways of course, and one finds themselves caught in the middle with both the step-parent and the kids tattling to you about each other. My policy was...WORK IT OUT ! I avoided taking sides unless it was seriously getting out of control. And you cannot predict how their relationship is going to turn out...like any other relationship, it depends,. But it does help if you arrange for them to go have activities with the step alone...so that they can bond, rather than everyone vying for your time and attention all the time.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think being a step parent is a bum deal. I would never do it again.

 

You get all the work and responsibility and suffer the financial burden....

 

 

....and you get none of the respect or joy or unconditional love.

 

I have no real advice. I just sympathize with your boyfriend who is expected to fill a parent-like role without ever getting any of the love and respect of being a parent. It's a tough gig. Wouldn't wish it on anyone.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
other days they would fight like cats and dogs! Some days he'd have the patience of a saint, other days he'd be irritated by the slightest thing, and they could do no right...

 

...They are not perfect, but by no means are they bad kids, but he always seemed to find the bad. I tried to be understanding, knowing that he's never really had to deal with kids before, and constantly reminding myself that before this "ready made family" moved into his house, he was a "professional bachelor".

 

...If the relationship isn't harmful to my kids in any way (verbal, physical, etc) is it okay, and normal to worry about and be concerned about them all? I just don't know exactly what I should expect out of him, as far as they go...?

 

I don't think he should really be fighting with them like that, or ever treating them like they can do no right. There does seem to be harm in the relationship, how you describe it.

 

Maybe he could read some parenting books if he's very uncertain about how to deal with children (even though it's not his role to parent them). It sounds as though he's treating them like little adults rather than children who are still growing and will make a lot of mistakes and need to be cut some slack and given some gentle guidance. In my mind, he needs to mature in his relationship with them and be the adult, not another one of the kids who fights and can't figure out how to problem solve.

 

This doesn't sound great to me. Maybe even a few family counseling sessions to try to figure out healthier ways to interact as a family, if you're going to stay together.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Feeling, he is an ADULT, for God's sake. HE doesn't feel accepted by THEM?

 

Grow up, already. And stop blaming children for your own flaws.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

WOW! If I could turn the clock back 15 years, I could totally relate!

I was so dern in love with my boyfriend, yet he could not get along with my teen sons....I played ref more times then I care to mention. My boyfriend who had no experience with teens would offer his "parenting wisdom", and my sons who would really try hard to be nice to him....They even joined soccer because my bf was athletic. (That was probably the only time he acted civil to them).

 

So my tidbit of wisdom looking back is simple, don't waste your time on this fell'r , he is no where near ready to be a respecting adult and role model to your kids. Reality check here ( He isn't and never will be the genuine parent, so that should be his relief! He doesnt need to compare himself to anyone!)

The fights will fester and you'll be torn. The Kids exhibit what is wrong in family dynamics....listen to them....they sometimes know better then the parent.....

 

If it helps any, my ex bf did end up getting married and I marvel at the fact that ALL his "parenting wisdom" that he shelled out would come back to haunt him....funny how when its your "own kid" all those pre-conceived parenting guidelines go out the window.....

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you should give up on him. It's tough for anyone to be a step-parent, Especially when the kids are old enough to know he isn't their real father. That being said, Not everyone is made out to be a parent and he clearly is not.

 

4 years together with you and your daughters and yet he still treats them poorly, What would you want to be with a man who clearly does not have what it takes to be a father.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
FeelingEmpty83

My original comments may have led you all to believe he was all bad all the time with the girls, that is not the case. He would take the time to teach them things and do things with them. He would take them to town, and help them with their homework, and all that stuff. It's just sometimes he would get overwhelmed, and wouldn't know how to deal with it. In the 4 years we were together, he made leaps and bounds in adjusting. I just think I never thought it was enough. I realize now there was always on going improvement.

 

I also want to point out, it was never him comparing himself to their Dad, but rather him feeling like they were constantly comparing him to their Dad. (which I realize they will do)

 

I was just looking for advice as far as how other steps felt along their journey, and if anyone had any advice on what can be done to help him cope?

 

As far as not being with him, I'm not sure why that advice is being given. If we are both willing to make the effort to make it work, and there is no harm in our relationship as far as the kids go, why wouldn't we? Like I said, him and I as couple are strong. We get along, we have fun together and we make a good team. We just have differing opinions on certian parenting issues. Am I supposed to walk away over that? What happens when I end every relationship I'm in because of the kids, and in a few years they are no longer home and I'm alone?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Confuddled1983

 

(Not that it matters, but kids "together" is not possible)

 

Are you sure it doesn't matter? I only ask because if kids together isn't possible maybe he sees your children as his only chance at being a parent? Obviously he would then feel added pressure to "get it right" and knowing he would never live up to their bio dad (in their eyes) would perhaps be painful for him. Could any of that be possible?

 

I wouldn't advise throwing your relationship away, it sounds like you all want it to work out and sometimes things just need a little work. It does sound as if you both weren't communicating how you felt over the children very much, now it's out and being discussed I'm sure you'll find a way to sort things out. Good luck to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
FeelingEmpty83

He has said that he has accepted that kids together is not an option. He is sad that he has to miss out on being "Dad" to one of our own. He said his own Dad was the biggest influence on his life, and that he's disappointed he'll never get to be that person to his own child. He knew that was the situation when we first met, and even before we got together. He has told me that he knows a small part of him, and his beliefs will be instilled in my girls, and that's all he really wants, is to impact their lives atleast on some level.

 

I've never really considered the added stress to "get it right", but that makes a little sense.

Link to post
Share on other sites
UpwardForward

I'm not a fan of 'Dr. Laura' to any extent. But she used to emphasize single parents shouldn't remarry until their children are 18.

 

Also, I think many children would say having a step parent, wasn't the best. Imo, a mother shouldn't have to choose and referee between the boyfriend/H and her children.

 

As for my kids: They felt my xH's new wife was jealous and resentful of all of us. They don't have to see her anymore.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm not a fan of 'Dr. Laura' to any extent. But she used to emphasize single parents shouldn't remarry until their children are 18.

 

Also, I think many children would say having a step parent, wasn't the best. Imo, a mother shouldn't have to choose and referee between the boyfriend/H and her children.

 

As for my kids: They felt my xH's new wife was jealous and resentful of all of us. They don't have to see her anymore.

 

I agree with this. Disagree with "Dr." Laura about pretty much everything except this. Sometimes there's an exceptional step parent. But very often not (I sure got some of those as a kid). And I think blending families often does not turn out well for the previous kids either.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Confuddled1983
I'm not a fan of 'Dr. Laura' to any extent. But she used to emphasize single parents shouldn't remarry until their children are 18.

 

I have to disagree with this. I think when you have children you have to be extremely careful about who you introduce to them as your partner, you have to take time, be slow and move at a pace that everyone is comfortable with - that however doesn't mean you should put your entire life on hold for your children.

 

My mum was a single parent from when I was around 2 years old. She dated and I was introduced to some of her partners, she was engaged a couple of times and she even married (she caught him having an affair with his sister in law just a couple of months later) - the relationships didn't work out, however I am glad she tried to find happiness, I would feel extremely sad for her if she hadn't.

 

Whilst in an ideal world we would all have a family unit that consisted of a loving mum and dad that can't always happen. In my case my ex partner cheated several times and was abusive before I called it a day on our relationship. When we planned to have our child I felt I knew him, I felt we would be together - certainly I never intended to be raising our child alone whilst he waltzed off into the sunset to have numerous other relationships. Do I not deserve the chance to find happiness? Does my son not deserve me to even try to re-create the next best thing to a "family unit" - a "blended family unit"? - in fact in some cases blended families are more functional than a lot of family units I know!

 

My best friend had a step father growing up and she looks to him with love and respect, she adores him in a way she never will her father.

 

I want to protect my son from all the ills of the world, I want to protect him from knowing that sometimes hearts are broken and dreams are shattered - I think I'm far better, however, showing him that these things happen - but they are not the end of the world and teach him how to deal with these things.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
FeelingEmpty83

I have a step father that I respect a great deal. Growing up we fought a lot and didn't often see eye to eye, but as an adult I came to realize he was a major influence on my life. I love and respect him now, just as I do my bio Dad. I think the appreciation for step parents comes later in life.

 

And as for not re-marrying until the children are grown, I don't agree. There is support that comes with having a partner. Something I think every parent needs. Being happy with a partner should not be put on the back burner while children are young. Feeling like you have someone in your court, and having someone to talk to that truely understands the situation is extremely beneficial (imo)

 

Also, keep in mind my children are with their Dad one whole week at a time. That would be awefully lonely and depressing being alone with no one to share that time with every other week.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm a big fan of State of the House meetings. Maybe once a week, everyone gets together and gets to state their piece about how they feel the family is going. It's a safe place to talk, no one interrupts or defends themselves, everyone just listens. If you can get in the habit of that, it can become a safe way for your bf AND your kids to be heard. And once each side hears what the other feels, they can take action to change it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

If you decide to reunite with your boyfriend, I would really encourage you all to take a family class together. Here in Colorado they are called Nurturing Parenting, are once a week for 12 weeks and free :)

 

They include parents and children - a great time together every week. A great way to show in actions to your girls that they are important to you both. A wonderful environment for you and your boyfriend to freely engage in learning about parenting.

 

I help teach these classes, and have seen almost every family make improvements and many families make big improvements. It surprises me, because the classes are easy and fun!

 

The classes help parents discover effective parenting techniques, appropriate expectations of children, and get families talking together about all kinds of family topics. Quite a few long-term daters have taken the classes I've helped teach.

 

I am a teacher now because I took the class twice to bond more with my girlfriend's two boys and build us as an early family unit. I was quite nervous about it beforehand. It was so fun and helpful and I learned so much that I wouldn't have picked up without the format of the class that when I was asked to be a teacher I said yes. So fun to see families grow together!! I love it :D

 

I also don't have children of my own, and had not been around kids before I met my (wonderful) girlfriend over 2 years ago. I was nervous of doing the wrong things, and pretty short on what were the 'good' things to do with with boys before the classes.

 

This particular class is organized locally through a sub-department of social services. You might also check with churches or community groups though.

 

If your boyfriend is interested in developing a better relationship with your daughters, this is a great way to make it happen!

 

Don't just keep stumbling along. There are positive groups of people who get excited helping families do better. Really :D

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

 

P.S. As to marrying again when you have children - I don't know. The research shows that most of the time it is worse for the kids. Absolutely the support from a partner can be of huge benefit to the parent and kids. The step and kids must have respect for each other though. Without it, I would encourage you to not live together.

 

My girlfriend and I are not married yet because I realize it is a really, really big deal to the kids that we can predict solidly that we can be healthy and happy together. Forever. It's true that nothing in the world is certain, but the risk is too big for screwing them up further by making a poor choice.

Edited by Sunlight72
Link to post
Share on other sites

OP Mentioned the following "Am I supposed to walk away over that? What happens when I end every relationship I'm in because of the kids, and in a few years they are no longer home and I'm alone?

 

 

Yup, walk away , run , jump skip, do whatever is necessary. As to what happens to you and your life down the road, I would hope its filled with two ambitious and deliriously happy adult children who regard you and you them. You don't get the right to be selfish on the"Few years down the road deal"....Trust those who walked it, men can leave, even women do....but kids...they are either in your heart from the start, or else you start to place them last in your "few years down the road life plan". Already sounds like you want to resent them "because of the Kids" line....

 

 

Sunshine , I am alone and have no qualms saying...I am happy ! Happy to be independent, self sufficient and a wonderful grand parent to some pretty dern amazing kids!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...