Girlfriend is pregnant. I really don't want it

[Rude boy]

My girlfriend of three years just told me she's going to have my child, at the worst time. My mother has been abused by my father my entire life, and I want to help her leave before she dies. I can't help them both. I'm stuck because I don't know what to do. To be honest, I see a lot of him in myself and would hate to have other people involved.

 

I'm not entirely convinced it's mine either. I don't want to be a father ever due to my own childhood. Thinking about being tied to a kid frightens me. I'm lost in my life and don't know what to do.

[Kizza]

There are lots of things you can do.

 

You probably feel right now that you are going to be spread thin with these 2 huge life events. Thing is they are happening.

 

You should get a paternity to ensure the child is yours.

Think about talking to a professional regarding your feelings about your childhood and having a baby.

 

If you recall so well how you felt growing up then you should feel confident not to inflict the same hardship on your own flesh and blood.

 

Take a step back and tackle things one at a time as they arise. I think it is the only way you will cope otherwise you could become overwhelmed.

 

Is there any family you can talk to who may be able to offer you some support?

[CC12]

My girlfriend of three years just told me she's going to have my child, at the worst time.

 

What do you mean? Why is this the worst time?

 

My mother has been abused by my father my entire life, and I want to help her leave before she dies. I can't help them both. I'm stuck because I don't know what to do. To be honest, I see a lot of him in myself and would hate to have other people involved.

 

It's nice that you worry about your mother, but wait for her to ask you for help before you start planning out her rescue.

 

I'm not entirely convinced it's mine either.

 

Why do you question the paternity of the baby?

[d0nnivain]

Not everybody is cut out to be a parent.

 

 

Once that baby arrives you will have legal financial obligations toward the child no matter what contact you have. You will have the right to a DNA / paternity test & I think for your peace of mind you should insist.

 

 

You do have choices: contact v no contact. If you are sure you don't want to be part of the kids' life you can talk to a lawyer about voluntarily terminating your parental rights which will also end your financial obligation.

 

 

Before you pick that option, give it a little bit of time just to see if you change your mind, once the baby is born. Once your rights are terminated, you can't get them back.

[Blade96]

dr phil is a doofus at times, but he was right when he said about having kids, "One yes and one NO means, NO." The woman in question shouldn't have a kid if both partners aren;'t completely on board.

 

But - aren't parents allowed to legally relinquish their rights if they don't want to be a parent? I don't really know, i'm just asking. If they can, that's an option for him too.

Edited December 28, 2013 by Blade96

[Blade96]

If you don't want kids, then don't have sex. Sex = children. At the very least be careful. There is nothing stopping this guy from using birth control, condoms and pulling out. If he really didn't want kids, he could have done that.

 

You cannot terminate your parental rights unless the mother agrees to it. You can say you don't want to ever see the child, no one can force you too. But you WILL have to pay up.

 

True - if you don't want kids then use BC. That's assuming he wasn't though. What if he was and it broke?

[Rude boy]

I did use a condom, and she cheated on me with some low life around the time she got pregnant. I think one of the reasons she's saying it's mine is because I'm from an upperclass family, and she thinks she'll get money from me.

 

I do love this girl, a lot, and I'm willing to help financially. I just can't be there emotionally, or physically because of the situation with my mom. My dad recently put her in the hospital due to abuse.

 

I know she would love to be a grandmother, even more so if it's a girl, because she always wanted a daughter.

[Blade96]

I saw shows about this. The advice the girl's partner was given was do not do anything, don't sign a birth certificate, don't do anything, until you can get a result of a paternity test, because they said anything done by you can be interpreted as you having a claim on this baby and they might come after you. I think go get a test stat, as soon as you are able to test you and this baby.

[Eggplant]

Because she cheated on you, it's reasonable to ask for a paternity test.

[Eggplant]

I do love this girl, a lot, and I'm willing to help financially. I just can't be there emotionally, or physically because of the situation with my mom. My dad recently put her in the hospital due to abuse.

Rude boy, if you have to physically and emotionally abandon your child, I trust it's for an extreme cause. Thank goodness your girlfriend's not in your position too, or the baby would be an orphan.

[Lauriebell82]

I did use a condom, and she cheated on me with some low life around the time she got pregnant. I think one of the reasons she's saying it's mine is because I'm from an upperclass family, and she thinks she'll get money from me.

 

I do love this girl, a lot, and I'm willing to help financially. I just can't be there emotionally, or physically because of the situation with my mom. My dad recently put her in the hospital due to abuse.

 

I know she would love to be a grandmother, even more so if it's a girl, because she always wanted a daughter.

 

Then maybe being involved in your child's life would HELP your mom. I dont believe that the situation with your parents should prevent you from being a father. It sounds like an excuse.

[whichwayisup]

My girlfriend of three years just told me she's going to have my child, at the worst time. My mother has been abused by my father my entire life, and I want to help her leave before she dies. I can't help them both. I'm stuck because I don't know what to do. To be honest, I see a lot of him in myself and would hate to have other people involved.

 

I'm not entirely convinced it's mine either. I don't want to be a father ever due to my own childhood. Thinking about being tied to a kid frightens me. I'm lost in my life and don't know what to do.

 

Bolded part, are you saying that you could be abusive as well or have it in you to be like that? IF that is the case, I suggest you seek counseling very soon and deal with that and any issues that you have so you don't repeat the pattern.

 

As for your gf, be honest with her bu don't accuse her that she's slept around and the child isn't yours. How long have you two been a couple?

 

Either way counseling can help with both situations. You may not want to be a father to your child, but if it IS yours and she wants to keep it, you probably will be paying child support for many years. Who knows? Maybe you'll want visitation and everything will change once you see your baby. Never say never..

[whichwayisup]

I did use a condom, and she cheated on me with some low life around the time she got pregnant. I think one of the reasons she's saying it's mine is because I'm from an upperclass family, and she thinks she'll get money from me.

 

I do love this girl, a lot, and I'm willing to help financially. I just can't be there emotionally, or physically because of the situation with my mom. My dad recently put her in the hospital due to abuse.

 

I know she would love to be a grandmother, even more so if it's a girl, because she always wanted a daughter.

 

Oh okay, well for sure do a paternity test to make sure the truth of who the father is comes out. DO NOT let her manipulate you since she has cheated on you.

 

Do you have other family members to help with your parents? Cousins, uncles, aunts? Siblings? Also, if your dad put your mom in the hospital, were the cops called? If not, CALL and get the ball rolling there. They need to get involved.

[skydiveaddict]

I don't want to be a father ever due to my own childhood. Thinking about being tied to a kid frightens me. I'm lost in my life and don't know what to do.

 

Then maybe you should keep it zipped up until you are ready to be a man and take responsibility for your actions.

[turnera]

I did use a condom, and she cheated on me with some low life around the time she got pregnant. I think one of the reasons she's saying it's mine is because I'm from an upperclass family, and she thinks she'll get money from me.

 

I do love this girl, a lot, and I'm willing to help financially. I just can't be there emotionally, or physically because of the situation with my mom. My dad recently put her in the hospital due to abuse.

 

I know she would love to be a grandmother, even more so if it's a girl, because she always wanted a daughter.

Well, make sure you get a paternity test, for one thing.

 

For another, there's not much you can do to help your mom if she's not willing to do it herself.

[turnera]

And for you personally, the only way you'll deal with the problems you have is with a therapist. Make an appointment.

[Rude boy]

He's put her in the hospital before, about fourteen years ago, then she tried to kill herself because she lost the baby she was carrying after he threw her down the stairs. I have two older brothers who also help out with her, and we're collectively trying to get her to go to therapy or divorce. There's a state ordered restraint on him right now, but I don't think it's set to last long.

 

I not like him in that I beat girls... But I've seen his arrogance and rage come out in me a few times before. I was in therapy a few years back, but didn't keep up with it.

[turnera]

The thing is, you can't convince an abuse victim to leave her abuser, if SHE isn't ready. And most victims try to leave at least 5 times and go back to him, before they've finally had enough. She's psychologically dependent on him and that's not something you guys can change.

 

What you can do, though, is keep an eye on him and make sure he makes plenty of visits to the police station if he continues to harass her, until he's fed up with the lot of you and just leaves.

[Debanked]

I don't want to be a father ever due to my own childhood. Thinking about being tied to a kid frightens me.

 

Listen to yourself! It didn't stop you from getting laid though, did it? Now the consequences of your actions have become an inconvenience to you ... at the "worst possible time!"

 

Too F'n bad! Man the F up and be there for your girlfriend. You're creating all kinds of dramatic scenarios here and in your mind of why you should be off the hook. Simple fact is, too late for that. Face the situation you have created and deal with it like an adult. You are being so mean and unfair to your girlfriend, it's pathetic.

[Tayla]

Debanked, Haven't a bad moment perhaps?

 

to the OP- I'll re-iterate what others mentioned. Paternity test is usually done after the birth unless its a high profile case and the family wants to know post haste, then the judge can order it but its at the discretion of the courts and the attending physican while the mother is pregnant. Why jeopardize the pregnancy?

You'll learn soon enough. Females have gotten pregnant even when condoms have been used...they aren't 100% effective. Consider getting a V-sectomy if you genuinely do not want kids...some folks learn early that is a role they wish not to partake in....

 

As to your parent, you sound supportive and she needs that right now....Be aware that its her choice to stay or move on with her life....as much as you care and rightly so...She's the one that needs to assert herself. Can the hospital recommend a support group for her or shelter?

[Els]

Demand a paternity test. Then man up and take responsibility for the child if it happens to be yours. You have every right to leave her for cheating, but the child still needs to be supported.

[dreamingoftigers]

You have two other brothers dealing with your mothers situation.

 

You are treating your mother like a child and your potential child like an inconvenience.

 

Get some counseling.

[Rude boy]

Well I don't even really have a problem with financial support, I'm finishing school this year and I'm planning on getting a good job. I just have other things going on right now, it's not uncommon to be uninvolved is it?

[Elias33]

Then maybe you should keep it zipped up until you are ready to be a man and take responsibility for your actions.

 

I like your spark here friend but it takes two to tango. Legs can be kept closed as well. You add nothing to this discussion but knee jerk barking and hindsight.

[Elias33]

Demand a paternity test. Then man up and take responsibility for the child if it happens to be yours. You have every right to leave her for cheating, but the child still needs to be supported.

 

This right here. It is really not the end of the world having a child. Keep perspective. Take your time. But try with all your might to be involved with this child. That is more important than money (as long as the child is fed and cared for of course).