Adult Daughter Won't Grow Up

[MickieJ]

I am really hoping to hear some advice from some that have had similar experiences, but I don't think I would wish my experiences on anyone.

 

I have two daughters, the oldest is 19 now, and my youngest is 16. They are as different as night and day in every way - physically, mentality, and emotionally. Although they are different, they both have their own special talents, and they are the sun, moon and stars in my life. It is my oldest daughter that is the reason that I am asking for advice.

 

Becki's childhood seemed to be good. Since she was a tall girl, she always seems to excel, even if she didn't really have her heart in everything that she did. She got good grades through 7th grade, and had several friends in her class. But in 8th grade, her father and I separated (after 25 years) after we mutually decided that we had grown apart. About 4 months later Becki seem to spiral out of control with depression. She attempted suicide, almost succeeding, and spent the next four years in counseling. She was comfortable with her counselor, but never seemed to deal with the issues, or what I thought were the issues. But I supported her, and attended many of the sessions, with her approval, so that we could work on communication issues between us. In addition she took Paxcil for about three years, cutting back in her senior year.

 

For the first three years of high school, she had numerous incidents with guys and sexual activity. She has been raped twice - the first was a terrible violation, the second time was the result of bad judgement on her part into a bad situation. In addition she also started running with the wrong crowd that got her involved with some drugs. Her grades were so-so, mostly B's, C's and a couple of D's. Her dad was supportive, but wasn't strong enough to deal with her, so I was left to handle the support for her as well as handing out the discipline. Although we had our ups and downs, I wasn't willing to give up and knew that eventually she would get it together. She held summer jobs, but wasn't very interested and it showed. Although she had some minor interaction with the police due to her getting out of hand around the house, she never committed any major crimes or spent any time in Juv Hall.

 

Finally as a senior, she seems to grab a hold of her life, and really shine. It was a wonderful year for her, so full of promise and excitement. She did all the right things, got a good job, and took placement tests for college. Her dad got her a used truck, with an agreement that she pay for the upkeep and maintenance, as well as insurance. Mid-way through the year, she was laid off, but found another job after graduation. She started college in the fall, and things seemed good. But then the bottom dropped out somehow, and she has been spiraling since then. She lost her job, due to her own fault (lying), and has been unable/unwilling to find another. She dropped out of college in the spring, saying she needed time off. Things escalated between us, until I felt I had to kick her out. She went to live with her one good friend, which lasted until she burned that bridge after a few months. She has a boyfriend (of 3 months) that seems to love her, but their relationship is pretty unstable. When she was about to have to go to the streets, I allowed her to move back last month, with the stipulation of finding a job. She found a part-time job with a caterer, but that only lasted one event.

 

As much as I try to support her emotionally and physically, I don't see much improvement. Her attempts at job hunting are dismal. Usually our conversations end up with her getting angry and storming off. The next day when I ask how the job hunting went, she always has an excuse of why she couldn't. She is depressed, and she has recently decided to go back to counseling, but I don't hold much hope for dealing with some of the real problems. No matter what I suggest, nothing seems to happen. I feel my back being pushed up against the wall again, and feel that she is going to have to hit the bottom before anything kicks in. My fear is that won't stop her spiral decline.

 

Your advice is welcomed and appreciated. Thanks.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Our daughter's stories are almost parallel with the exception of any suicide attempts on my daughter's part. First, it is very typical for kids to lose interest in maintaining good grades once they reach middle school (Jr. High School) age. And it may; or may not have anything to do with your divorce. That is usually the age when most children become more interested in socializing and succumb to the pressures of trying to fit in with their selected peer groups. The kind of friends your children choose to hang out with…or are accepted by…can make a big difference in their social development from this point on.

 

Second, I have learned from the numerous councilors that we have been to that a strong father figure is imperative. Whether living in the same household or apart, the discipline should be divided equally and not fall to one parent or the other. The good cop/bad cop scenario when raising adolescents does not work. Without a united front the boundaries become blurred at a time when they are needed most.

 

A "get tough" parenting course was recommended to my husband by our councilor.

 

Also, I was wondering if there was any indication that your daughter may still be using drugs, however infrequently? Second, has she been diagnosed with Depression or Borderline Personality Disorder?

 

I know first hand how torn you are. On the one hand, we know we must sometimes insist that our adult children grow up and learn to provide for themselves…even if it means watching them hit bottom first. But it is so difficult to fight back those parental instincts and not want to rescue them when think about the very real possibility of them becoming homeless.

 

Our daughter is now twenty-one, and has only managed to hold down her current job because she is employed by her father. He also provides her with an apartment and living expenses. I expect he will be taking care of her for a very long time since the councilors don't hold out much hope that she will be able to pull herself together any time soon.

 

Meanwhile, I continue to encourage her to reconsider finishing her college education in the event that something happens and she is no longer able to rely on her father. I'm certainly in no financial position to carry her on my own back should something happen. It's been a slow process, but with continued counseling and support we still hold out hope that one day our daughter will finally grown up and learn to provide for herself. It isn't easy…but it DOES get better with time.

 

Perhaps you could give your own daughter some kind of deadline…to either find and KEEP gainful employment by such-n-such time, or return to college and finish her degree. Tell her this is not an "option," but rather an ultimatum. By twenty-one she either gets herself together or she gets out. Tell her by the end of the week you want her to present you with some kind of "plan." And whatever it is, you expect to see her start taking some steps towards following it through.

 

I know, I know. A lot easier said than done, eh?

[Debster]

While I am not a parent and can't really offer advice, I just wanted to say to hang in there.

[moimeme]

It sounds as though she may indeed be depressed again - or may have another disorder. Did she ever get a full psych evaluation? There may be a component of PTSD in there, as well.

 

Don't give up hope on her. If she'll agree to a full psych evaluation, you both may find there are other things affecting her that neither of you suspected and which will respond to the right therapies.

[sportsloving]

Have you considered outside options such as Job Corps? They will give her counseling, a place to live, force her to carry her own weight, train her for a job, and get her back into college. They also have "allowances" that get paid, and they have a discipline system that works ... based on her behavior. It is worth a look.

 

My older brother went when he was out of control, and it turned him around. When I was heading down the same road, lol, I went and also had a great time. I don't admit to being all grown up ... but I did learn responsibility for my actions, started college, and when I graduated I had some money to lean on, to begin life with. And I met some great people in the process.

[EC]

I'm 19 now and i have no idea what it's like to be a parent so i can't give advice on that. What I can tell you however is that no matter what having your mom there and supporting you is very important. Talk to her, listen to her, and please, please, please don't give up on her! I also don't know what you believe in but a quote that always got me through hard times was this

"If god brings you to it, he will see you through it!"

So hang in there.

[MickieJ]

Hey, I want to thank each one of you that took the time to reply. Each of those suggestions or words of encouragement are greatly appreciated.

 

Towards the end of her senior year, her counselor (for the past 4 yrs at that point) felt that she was borderline bipolar. That was never shared with her, but it is something that I feel is fairly certain, at least in my eyes. The plans/goals sound like a good idea, and I have worked on listing small goals just recently.

 

Today was a good day, she got an appointment for a job, albeit part-time, but it is something, at least something to smile about. I hadn't thought about the Job Corp, and it is a good idea. She had previously tried to enlist in Navy before she was 18 (early entry), but I wouldn't sign for her, so she had to wait. But in the meantime she signed a release of her medical records, which opened up the mental problems and she was then rejected.

 

So thanks for all the advice, I am hanging in there, and hopefully we will both "see it through it".