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Step daughter anyone else feel this way?


willpower654

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There is a long history to be explained about my fiance and his daughter...

I am just wondering... We have recently purchased a house together.. And we have had a really hard past with his daughter in particular with my fiance's lack of discipline mixed with problems from biomom.

 

Anyways, basically he claims to be father of the year and we get her every other weekend... We had not even set the rest of the house up yet and it was a huge emergency to have her room set up which I didn't understand. He went and bought family frames and put all pics of him and his daughter in them and displayed them on a shelf in the living room. There are no pics of us because all of ours are digital and he didnt go and develop them.

 

Is this really horrible to say that I am kind of upset about this?

 

Why am I feeling like it bothers me?... I am not sure what it is. And I am seeing my thereapist next week which I will mention it then and see if she has any suggestions. but I thought I would see if anyone else has the same issues... Or maybe some suggestions for why I am being such a little whiner about it. Also his mother was over this weekend and put a baby picture of the daugher on my fridge..

 

 

Why did I not want it there?

 

Sorry for the questions and rant. I just cant seem to figure it out.

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You need to take your husband to a therapist who specializes in such things and have them sit him down and explain to him what he's doing and why, and the damage he's doing.

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SincereOnlineGuy

I hope somebody can explain it to me then...

 

 

 

And no, it is not horrible that the OP is upset about this... but so far I sense a man doing something for his child and that child seeming like somebody who needs the structure/guidance in her life that a proper-ish relationship with dad may help to provide.

 

Maybe the stresses of moving have exacerbated lots of feelings on all sides??

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Yes both of you make sense...

 

I just don't understand why I have those feelings towards seeing pictures of her in the house... I did have a pregnancy thing happen in august... so i am wondering if those feelings are filtering toward my view on the daughter?

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I hope somebody can explain it to me then...

 

And no, it is not horrible that the OP is upset about this... but so far I sense a man doing something for his child and that child seeming like somebody who needs the structure/guidance in her life that a proper-ish relationship with dad may help to provide.

 

Maybe the stresses of moving have exacerbated lots of feelings on all sides??

It's great that he loves his daughter. From a parenting standpoint, he needs to understand the difference between guilt-parenting and authoritative parenting. He's following a familiar pattern of being afraid to upset his daughter. And that's the worst thing he can possibly do, in terms of how she grows up.

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SincereOnlineGuy
He's following a familiar pattern of being afraid to upset his daughter. And that's the worst thing he can possibly do, in terms of how she grows up.

 

 

Are you sure that, oh, say, HIM LEAVING her life forever isn't worse???

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Why am I feeling like it bothers me?

 

I don't know. Maybe because you want your new house to be your and your fiance's home, not fiance and daughter's home and you're feeling a bit excluded?

 

Maybe you were thinking that moving into your new house together would be a fun and exciting time for you both to talk about what furniture goes where, how to decorate, etc. and you're disappointed that your expectations weren't met, since it's been all about his daughter so far.

 

Also I think it's apparent that you have some sort of issue with his parenting or his relationship with his daughter or something because when you said, "basically he claims to be father of the year" it came off as sarcastic and possibly bitter. What's the story on that?

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willpower:

No one can tell you why you are feeling what you are feeling, but IMHO resentment and jealousy seems to be at play here. Also, some bitterness and that is something you might want to address with your fiancé and your marriage counselor you both go see because you and he are not ready to merge and get married. Regardless of what you feel about his parenting choices and styles or her behavior, this is about a child who may be acting poorly because of her father remarrying, and that is not uncommon. You are the adult and unfortunately it falls on you to figure out why you seem to be resenting her, and her father's overtures to include his daughter in his life. It is very obvious to me that dad feels guilty for whatever events played out with him and bio-mom or his daughter and he is trying hard to make her feel welcome and wanted. It is your house with your fiancé, but this is his daughter and as a result an extension of him. If this isn't something you can accept or if you are feeling uneasy about this, as you obviously are, you both need therapy because there are many underlying issues at play here.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

p.s. And, yes, it seems to be plausible that a pregnancy event you had in August could be filtering your view on this. My condolences for your pain.

Edited by Grumpybutfun
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Are you sure that, oh, say, HIM LEAVING her life forever isn't worse???

Huh? What makes you think he would consider leaving his daughter's life?

 

I'm talking about how to RAISE a child, not whether to abandon one.

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Okay so daughter is 7.

 

The daugher is just completely out of control. And I have nieces and nephews and I LOVE children. I think they are so cute and so much fun and even pretty funny at their worst... But his child is the most ill-behaved kid I have ever come accross and I am seriously not kidding.

 

In the beginning I used to take her places when I had kid stuff to do... aka a kid birthday so obviously if we had it her it only made sense to invite her to this day... which most of the dads dont go to. So i would bring her along.. Now I went through hell and back getting her to listen. She does not listen to me, or her dad or her nana or her mother (i assume). And so after a few outings like this where her safety was in concern and I was so upset but I do not even raise my voice to her because she isnt my kid... (1 instance we went to a cottage and she almost drowned because she would not listen about staying away from the edge of the bay)

 

One day in particular which was the last time I took her anywhere. I was dropping her off at daycare, and she told me that she is getting bullied at daycare and she really didnt want to go. So i go in there sign the sheet and this little kid comes up to her and starts picking on her in front of me. So obviously I signed her back out and kept her until her mother was home from school, which is what I thought any caring adult would do. I discussed with her about bullying and told her that she has to stand up for herself, not physically hurt the other kid and also that i would tell her parents to speak to the teachers there. So I decide lets go to the park with my sister and neice. I had rained that day btw. So she starts jumping in puddles, and my 3 yr old neice is copying her, and I told her numerous times to stop, she didn't. Then she swung the swings into nieces head on purpose, and wouldnt get off the monkey bars when it was time to leave. (all stuff I realise are things kids do... BUT she has ZERO respect for me obviously). Then after a day of non-stop occurances like these above, I get her to our place and dad is home. Now she is in the car with my dog, and asking me why the dog's weiner is showing. I explained that it is because of the way he was sitting and that is where he urinates from. I go around to the back of the car to get the dog and let her out and she tells me no because she wants to see the dogs weiner. So that was it for me, I just lost my mind. I called my fiancee from inside and told him to go get his child from my car, and told him what she said about the dog.

 

As we were dropping her off my fiancee tells me that 'if i can't handle his daughter then I shouldnt take her anywhere and I should just leave it to him.' So i agreed and told him from that day forward I will never b alone with her again, never take her anywhere, and I am NOT dropping her off at daycare and helping him out. My isssue with all of this is that it has nothing to do with my ability to be a responsible sitter or my ability to keep kids in line etc. It has to do with the fact that she has no discipline, and thinks at 7 yrs old that she is going to tell adults what to do.

 

And I am sorry people but that is not going to fly with me, it doesn't fly with my neices and nephews and it wouldn't fly with my own kids. Just this past sunday he is actually asking her oh do you want to go home or do you want to stay at nana's house (with his mother). It's like a 7 year old child does not get to choose these things that is her problem. His own mother even replied I am not watching her overnight, she is going to her mom's house.

 

Now since all of the above, things have been different with me and his daughter in the sense that i dont go out of my way with her anymore.. because i dont believe poor behavior should be rewarded. She screams all the time, doesnt clean after herself AT ALL, takes things from my room, has a fit every morning because she doesn't wana wear anything at dads house... and the list goes on.

 

To just add to the above her mother sent her to school without undies on, encouraged her not to go into the extra curricular activity we were taking her to so she would quit, didnt send her a lunch twice and the school called, and left her with a tooth ache for 2 months before she took her to have it pulled. (She says she didnt tell dad sooner because it wasnt that bad, and she says he should pay for it on top of the money he pays her per month). So my view on this whole situation is that I am nothing. I do not have any say over what goes on, or what is good for the child's wellbeing, and so I have literally removed myself from it.

 

I told him that because we have a place together, there will be rules and they will be followed and he is to enforce them. I cannot have her out of control behavior driving me nuts every other weekend. And this past weekend I stay at my cousins one night because I just can't deal with it sometimes.

 

And it makes it literally sick that he lets it happen and falls into a 7 yr old manipulation. I explained to him (coming from a girl who had seperated parents) that he is doing her ZERO favours by allowing her to have no rules and no guidelines. She has no respect for anything or anyone. And any person with some sense would agree that this is a receipe for disaster when she is a teen.

 

Sorry about the vent, I just wanted to give a bit of a background because I know it is confusing. :)

 

thanks again for all the input... sometimes it helps because i feel bad for the way i feel sometimes but I have just had enough of the crap.

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No offense, but it does not sound like you can handle, nor want to, be a stepmother to this child. It already sounds like you resent and dislike her.

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Okay so daughter is 7.

 

And she sees her dad every other weekend. Which is not much time for them to get to spend together. She is not your stepdaughter yet and you are having very negative feelings about your fiancé's little girl.

 

The real problems likely have more to do with your relationship with your fiancé than his 7 year old daughter. Do you feel like he truly loves and values you?

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It sounds to me like the girl is turning into a tyrant because no other adult will stand up to her. KIDS NEED DISCIPLINE AND RULES. Her fiancé refused to back her up, so she quit offering to help. I would have done the same thing.

 

Only thing I would have done differently is I would have politely refused to let girl's mother into MY HOME.

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turnera :

 

I think you may be right... I guess I have this expectation for the way I believe she should act.. and let me tell everyone too... I was raised with my mom and saw dad every other weekend. Dad is realllly strict. and he would make us garden, teach us responsibility and NEVER would you EVER question what he told u to do. And you did it immediately. And my mom was a huge push over. But you best believe that I picked up after myself at dads. I was not scared of my dad he never hit me, I just respected him. And I knew when we were good we were rewarded etc. Dad's way was fantastic... And when i was a teen and went down the wrong path... Guess who's influence it was that pulled me out of the black hole. Not my push over mother's thats for sure...

 

Regardless of my life I realise everyone is different. I am just saying that I don't know what to do.. because i feel as though I cant discipline this kid. And I also do actually care a lot about her and I want to see her succeed... but as an outsider these IDIOTS (inclulding my fiance) are really not contributing to making her an independent, well rounded member of society. They are allowing her to have no respect for authority... so what does everyone think will happen when it is ILLEGAL to do something... shes not going to give a crap.

 

I'm not sure. But it is obvious that my stance I have taken had worked and my fiance is working hard on teaching and guiding her... Its a slow process.. But my main concern is that I feel like I have decided to become a ghost in my own home in a way right? Like I am distant from the situation and its really hard to still have a close relationship with her when trying ti disengage... Has anyone does this before??

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What's missing is (1) honest communication between you and your husband and (2) boundaries on what you should be able to expect in your own home.

 

You need to go to a professional therapist, the two of you, to discuss this.

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But it is obvious that my stance I have taken had worked and my fiance is working hard on teaching and guiding her...

 

Okay, so he is trying. You posted very little about your fiance's part in this. Have you asked him how he thinks you should handle her? Has he ever given any pointers or critiques? Does he want you to discipline her?

 

But my main concern is that I feel like I have decided to become a ghost in my own home in a way right? Like I am distant from the situation and its really hard to still have a close relationship with her when trying ti disengage...

 

I don't see how you can have a close relationship with her and also disengage at the same time. Now that you've purchased a house with your fiance, you're going to be living with her every other weekend and I think you owe it to your family (which she is now, pretty much, or will be when you're married) to work it out instead of giving up.

 

I get that she's out of control. And I can understand taking away her outings with you to teach her that she can't misbehave and still get to do fun things. But you seem to have checked out of every aspect of the relationship with her. And you seem to resent her and blame her for a lot of stuff instead of understanding that none of this is her fault. She has problems and two idiots (your word) as parents.

 

You gave up in frustration, and I don't think you can say you've tried everything you could. Keep trying. Try to make your home as happy and comfortable a place as possible. Give her some discipline and stability. If her mom really sucks, then she needs that from you guys. Go back and read that paragraph you wrote about your father. You could be that type of person for her. Or maybe not. But I think you really should step back in and make it work somehow. New house, new start.

 

You have a lot of authority in your new, shared home and I hope you're taking advantage of that.

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just to share, i live with my bf, we have a baby together and he also has a 6 year old son from a previous marriage. to start, you shouldn't be mad about him hurrying to get her room together first--that's about adjustment. she needs to feel like it's her house too. that's why he put pictures of them everywhere etc. BUT there needs to be pictures of you and him or all of you as well, and immediately. my sister said putting up pictures of the parents reminds kids who is in charge. like throughout history how people have been forced to have pictures of dictators in their house! i totally understand feeling like a ghost in your own home. it's hard to feel "there" when the kid is acting up and the bio parents don't do **** to turn around their behavior and you don't want to overstep your boundaries. in the past, the kid didn't listen to me ESPECIALLY when his dad was around unless his dad showed he agreed, usually by repeating what i just said. when it was just the kid and i, he would scoff at me or stomp around claiming that i didn't understand what he was saying when i didn't give/do for him whatever he wanted. he even locked me and the baby out of the house once! it takes time to find your footing next to your partner in a situation like this. and it's repetitive. we've had hours and hours of him asking me something, not taking me seriously, going and asking his dad and getting the same response. f***ing repetitive. it also doesn't help that my stepson's bio mom is a total 'see you in tea' and her crap thoughts/behavior, since he's with her most of the time, echo in the way he acts. he's a know-it-all, he gets aggressively stubborn (especially when told he's wrong about something), he's obsessed with moneymoneymoney, but he doesn't really have the behavior problems that your step seems to have (screaming tantrums, back-talk). anyway, it's imperative that you and your partner agree on how you'll be disciplining your children IN YOUR HOME. when she's not with you, she'll revert to whatever and even after you've established rules and she's come to terms with them, there will always be a period of re-learning what's okay when she's there. did i mention it's repetitive? if she's as bad as you say your man is going to have to be firm in correcting her behavior. i understand it's not her fault her parents divorced, but it's not okay to disrespect people and on top of that be rewarded for it (you seem to agree). people recommended you go to a therapist but it sounds like she needs therapy more than anyone! you can't let your children wedge you apart. and she is your child now. you and he committed your lives to one another, with baggage and bs at no extra charge! it's up to you to maneuver through the current or fight against it until you drown. new marriage, new baby, and new house don't mean you're starting a "new" life together, just that you've got more than one life to keep together now, but you've also got some extra help. don't let your s***ty feelings keep you from participating! good luck!

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HighheelsAries

Dont know why people think that children whose parents are divorced should get a free pass on manners and behaving decently. Sometimes these kids are really annoying rude brats but because of " their situation" the adult ie stepparent needs to be understanding and cut the kid slack. Rubbish!! If the child is badly behaved, discipline him/ her. And if there are psychological or emotional issues, get counselling for the child.

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Can you talk to your fiance about family counseling for the three of you? That might help ease things in as you guys merge your family. Stepparenting is hard. She is part and parcel of him. Can you add pictures of you to her room as well? Maybe the two of you can do a drawing together to decorate her walls?

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Oh man...in my mind it was a terrible idea to buy a house together, and even think of trying to become pregnant yourself, until you get this worked out.

 

Dating people with young (or even older) children always comes with baggage. You ought best to get this sorted before trying to have your own child or doing any further nesting. Family counseling could help.

 

I don't know you, so this isn't personal at all, just a general observation that you may or may not fit. But I think that women can often be competitive with the children who the man had prior to them. While she's young, the daughter should "come first" in his life, because she's the one he brought into the world and has the most needs. A lot of women can't stand this, and want to be "first" in their new guy's life. When the daughter's not there, it may be all about you; but when she is there, it's going to be about her and her needs, especially as he's only an every other weekend dad. I sense that in the future, as it stands, there will a lot of conflict for your guy, as he will be put in a position where he must "choose" between you or or his daughter, and you will be very resentful when he seems to choose her. And she (and even you) may even unconsciously set up those situations, to prove to herself that she is important.

 

I wouldn't be with a partner with a young child unless there was a very harmonious relationship between me and the child, I respected my partner's parenting style, or it was no problem for me emotionally to check out of the triangle.

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