12 year-old won't go to school

[Miss Sisyphus]

My 8th-grader wanted to switch from a small charter school to a public school for 8th grade. I found her one in the best school district in my city. But she was overwhelmed by its size and the teachers' impersonal approach.

She attended two days out of the first five. On the last day, I took her out because she was crying and cut her arm with a disposable razor.

 

I found another small arts charter school similar to her original school. But on the third day (today) she was holding a handful of her antidepressant medication, indicating she would overdose on them if she was forced to go to the new school. She doesn't like how laid-back the school is (particularly that students are allowed to wear hats and that there is no homework). She said she needs more structure. That's ironic, considering she really wants to take her classes through an online school.

 

Here's some quick background info: She is on antidepressants because she was so miserable at her original school. She said the work was too hard and she had too much homework. But now she wants to go back! That's not an option right now because the school is so well-known that they have a waiting list. She's at the top of the list, but it's unlikely that an 8th grader is going to drop out at this point. She wasn't bullied (I checked with her friends and teachers) or humiliated (as far as I know) at any of her schools. She doesn't do drugs; has no tattoos or piercings or dyed hair. She's just an ordinary kid who plays piano, likes to draw and write zombie stories.

 

I want her to stay in the new school. But not if it means she'll want to hurt herself because of it. But I also feel like I'm being manipulated.

 

Do I exercise tough love or let her take her classes online?

 

Thank you for your help.

[HokeyReligions]

If she's cutting herself it sounds like she might need more help than you could or should give her. Have you considered counseling for you both? Has she been in counseling since shes on a prescription drug for mental illness? Maybe you need to look for a different counselor.

 

I'm a proponent of tough love but not until you know she's safe and that path is right for her.

[Miss Sisyphus]

Hi. Thank you for your response. She is in counseling. In fact, my daughter told me today that her counselor told her that she knows kids who don't want to go to school and don't. She said their might be some truancy issues. My daughter took that to mean that she didn't have to go to school if she didn't want to! So, yes, a new counselor might be in order...

[Tayla]

Medications til the age of 18 are to be monitored and kept with parental or adult supervision. Unless its for allergic or immediate need ( which anti depressants do not fall under) they are to be kept with the guardian to be administered or with medical staff. Hopefully your daughter does not have immediate liberty to these.

 

The problem can be the schools and can be your daughter. Get her back to counseling and get to the root of this. As a parent I think you know well what is in your daughters best interest. I'm sure you are worried and rightly so.

 

She seems to be giving mixed messages. She is suffering from the Gold Locks syndrome - Where nothing satisfies her..or is "just" right where school is concerned. Best to get an objective person to monitor this before this girl spirals ...Glad you are a concerned parent and not just scoffing it off as "being a teen".

[Miss Sisyphus]

You're right about access to her medication. I've locked it in a safe so she can no longer get to it. All of the razors are in there too.

 

She has a counseling appointment next week. But that isn't soon enough to decide what to do about school. I guess I could call her counselor and ask her opinion. After all, she knows more about what's going on in my daughter's head than I do.

[skydiveaddict]

Do I exercise tough love or let her take her classes online?

 

Thank you for your help.

 

You're seriously letting your own child manipulate you like this? Give her a boot in the ass and get her to school.

[austyre]

Have you thought of homeschooling we homeschool all our kids great blessing in disguise only because they don't have too deal with peoples issues and avoid all the wasted crap that tends to go on at school also they develop more as a person kinda like find their own beliefs and systems that work for them it is definitely worth looking into if that was a option you could think about

[Tayla]

Great suggestion to Home school if the resources are there.

 

There are Pro's and Cons if a parent is not there to guide or an adult there. Leaving a 12 year old at home..particularly one who is going thru some counseling ...does raise questions.

 

I sit on the fence on home schooling since it takes away the ability to socialize and be inter active with peers. It doesn't give the GROUP ability to "team" work and problem solve. True Fact Women prefer to collaborate on projects and thereby aid and learn from one another...a Young 12 year old is going to feel isolated if left to home school. If she has sports/hobbies that are publicly available, I would at least suggest that for her social interaction.

 

I think the Mother/parent is being concerned and loving, Tough love doesn't mean "tough %hit kid you'll do as I say". Tough love is about taking a high road in guidance and determination to see the positive goal met. Which in this case- medical counseling and education.

[whichwayisup]

I want her to stay in the new school. But not if it means she'll want to hurt herself because of it. But I also feel like I'm being manipulated.

First, get your child healthy again. Just going on meds is not going to fix the problem. There is more going on inside of her than you may realize and it's not just about school and her manipulating you.

 

Has she seen a Dr and been diagnosed officially with depression or bi polar? Her speaking to a therapist could help too.

 

Mental illness is a serious thing and pushing her to go to school when she cannot handle it is making this worse.

 

My post is not meant to be judgemental, I'm sure all that you're dealing with and coping with is not easy at all.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

First of all...7th & 8th grade---horrible. Kids that age are already so hormonal that any of them with additional clinical issues are a challenge.

 

I know that the kds that age manipulate. So you are probably right there, but hey also have a difficult time understanding or expressing their issues.

 

Changing schools at that age can be daunting...much less two. My son did ok with a school change, but mostly because he met several boys that summer who turned out to be good friends.

 

My daughter had a harder time, hid in the bathroom during lunch, stuff like that. It passes, but they have to be willing to try. I did call the new school and described the type of girls she would most likely bond with, and they paired her up with a couple of those girls. It helped.

 

I don't love homeschooling and only if you are there to supervise.

 

You need a new therapist.

 

Good luck.

[xxoo]

Does she have friends? Is she involved in school activities?

 

My similarly aged child doesn't love school (the classes, the homework), but loves school for the social opportunities and the sports. It is also crucial that their friends are good influences at this age.

[Eve]

I would out rule any mental ilness but also make home as boring as can be. Switch off cable, the internet and do not take her out with you during the day under any circumstances. Also agree a part time timetable with the school to help her get back into the flow of things. I would say that it is up to you which school she attends, not her. Make sure her sleeping habits do not switch to her becoming nocturnal.

 

H'mmm, you could home school her. Only eccentric types do that where I live but if you can find a network off other parents and children, fair enough.

 

I went through something similar and had to call her bluff. There wasn't anything organically wrong with my daughter, she was just bad, with super bad peers.

 

She is fine now but we had some battles, which I won because my name is mum... but I am trained to do this sort off thing, so I was ok.

 

Look into parenting classes. There are many parents in similar situations as yourself. Do not isolate yourself or feel ashamed.

 

Take care,

Eve x

Edited September 1, 2013 by Eve

[EsmerKiss77]

I believe in taking issues seriously, medication, school, etc. But i also think at that age she really shouldn't have so much influence on which school she goes to and not going at all, and deciding she wanted the first school after all. She is 12 and really has no clue what she wants or needs. Additionally, online classes at that age seems like it'd have adverse effects in the long run. It seems she most needs help on finding healthy ways to cope with life..

[DaisyLeigh1967]

I would have had her ass in a psych hold. She needs help but I do think she is being manipulative as well.

[Quiet Storm]

She's just an ordinary kid who plays piano, likes to draw and write zombie stories.

 

 

 

 

No, she is not an ordinary kid.

 

She needs help. Not just medication, but serious therapy. I would suggest DBT therapy. She has no idea how to cope with problems in a healthy way.

 

My sister started self harming at 12-13, which progressed to an eating disorder, which progressed to drugs & alcohol and suicide attempts.

 

She was eventually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and it came out that she was sexually abused by a family member when she was a child.

 

She is now in her mid thirties and has been in and out of psych wards, rehabs, lost custody of her son, etc.

 

You need to help your child now before it's too late. The cutting, suicide threats and manipulation are all signs of Borderline. Medication alone is not going to help her.

[Miss Sisyphus]

Thank you for your replies. My daughter sees a psychiatrist, two counselors and has art therapy. She also takes Prozac, like I said. We're going to stop seeing the counselor that isn't making any progress, so she'll be down to only one counselor.)

 

I take her problems seriously. So much so that I'm probably going to drop out of grad school today to focus more on her needs (another post). She has had a normal childhood with the exception that her father has schizophrenia. He's medicated, though, and they get along well. I've told her counselor and psychiatrist about his mental illness, but they haven't suggested that she could be schizophrenic too.

 

I had to more or less force her to go to school for the past two days. I even bought her some herbal calming lozenges. I talked to the school principal and secretary and they've suggested that she come into the office to do her schoolwork during class time if she feels overwhelmed. The principal says her behavior is the result of her age and a feeling of being unsafe. She said something must have happened at her former school (the one she attended from 5th to 7th grade) that made her feel threatened. If it did, she never talked about it. The principal said we can keep each other updated about her behavior. She also promised to have her orchestra and piano teachers ask my daughter to help out in class. Of course online school is an alternative. But she had online summer school and I and my older daughter did all of her work for her. She just wouldn't get around to doing it and was going to fail 7th grade. So we enabled her. Based on that, I don't think she would do well with online courses.

 

I don't know what else to do. I am ready to quit college and move to a town with better schools. I live in Arizona, by the way, where we were ranked 48th in education the last time I checked.

Edited September 10, 2013 by Miss Sisyphus