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Should I tell my son about his father?


Stayinsilence

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Stayinsilence

I have a six year old son with my ex-boyfriend, who is currently serving a 50 year sentence for armed robbery that resulted in the death of an officer and one of the other four men with him. I was seven months pregnant when the robbery took place. The second I found out about the robbery, through the news, I was done.

 

I took my son to see him once, the day after his first birthday. It was difficult for me to be there, because it was never where I wanted my life to endup. I'm young, and educated and I always ask myself how I could get involved with someone like him.

 

My son is at the age where he is starting to ask where his dad is. I always tell him that daddy is doing something important, and he won't be back for a long time.

 

My ex writes our son and me, I read them, then put the ones addressed to my son in a box in my closet. The letters ask me if I read my son his letters, or if I'm seeing anyone. The letters he writes to my son just ask him questions about himself.

 

What should I do? Should I read my son his letters? Should I let him write his father? I just want to do what's best for my son...

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amaysngrace

I don't know what I would do.

 

It may make your son feel unimportant to know that even though his dad knew about him he still disregarded him enough to commit that crime.

 

I don't know if it's a great idea to tell him that his dad is in jail either. Not yet anyway. He's probably too young to process it.

 

I'd seek the advice of a reputable child psychologist if I were you. You don't want to damage your son, I'm sure.

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Stayinsilence

I wish that was covered through my insurance. Fathers day was incredibly difficult because all he wanted to talk about was his 'daddy' what he looks like, what his favorite color is, why exactly did he leave, and worst of all "do you think he'd like me?"

 

My son is painfully shy and has a terrible stutter everyone makes fun of. I always feel that it has to do with his dad being gone. I've got him in a little day program, but he hates to go, he cries every time he gets in the car. I'm considering pulling him out because of it.

 

I hate doing it alone, I want to write his dad back and thank him for making things even harder on my baby. He never has told me exactly why he did it, or even apologized. I'm sure he doesn't even think about how bad it's hurt our son.

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I hate doing it alone, I want to write his dad back and thank him for making things even harder on my baby. He never has told me exactly why he did it, or even apologized. I'm sure he doesn't even think about how bad it's hurt our son.

Unfortunately you probably can't expect who has no problem pulling a weapon on people like this to be considerate towards your son.

 

Are there perhaps support groups that don't require any form of payments? Even just online

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I always tell him that daddy is doing something important, and he won't be back for a long time.

 

For starters, I think setting your son up with this lie was a big mistake. At some point he is going to learn the truth and then he will have learned that both his parents are not trustworthy; the one that has created a fabrication and let him believe it and the other who is serving time.

 

First and foremost, I think it is imperative you find a child psychologist. If your son has developed a stutter and is painfully shy, he is already starting to develop abnormally because of his situation. A licensed and trained professional can help starting to repair the damage that has already done -- and NO ONE on a relationship, pop-psychology website like this is qualified to help you.

 

I wish you the best of luck and hope you will seek out professional assistance as soon as possible.

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I have a six year old son with my ex-boyfriend, who is currently serving a 50 year sentence for armed robbery that resulted in the death of an officer and one of the other four men with him. I was seven months pregnant when the robbery took place. The second I found out about the robbery, through the news, I was done.

 

I took my son to see him once, the day after his first birthday. It was difficult for me to be there, because it was never where I wanted my life to endup. I'm young, and educated and I always ask myself how I could get involved with someone like him.

 

My son is at the age where he is starting to ask where his dad is. I always tell him that daddy is doing something important, and he won't be back for a long time.

 

My ex writes our son and me, I read them, then put the ones addressed to my son in a box in my closet. The letters ask me if I read my son his letters, or if I'm seeing anyone. The letters he writes to my son just ask him questions about himself.

 

What should I do? Should I read my son his letters? Should I let him write his father? I just want to do what's best for my son...

 

 

I have never been in this situation but I understand what this is all about, and if I were you, I would tell your son the truth about his father because what if he gets older and he finds out the truth some other way about his father and then he finds out that you knew about it all along and never told him, then yes your son would feel betrayed but feel angry and could end up resenting you because of that. So if I were you, I would tell him the truth now before it gets any harder for him when he gets older

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You're going to tell him and it's going to be OK. This is his truth.

 

But I'm not sure when. I'd be concerned that at 6 he will not understand that this doesn't mean he is a bad person also. I'd be concerned he will share the information with those that don't need to know and be judged for it. I'd also not want him to have to keep the secret.

 

50 years? I'd tell him when he was older. 13 or 14.

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You're going to tell him and it's going to be OK. This is his truth.

 

But I'm not sure when. I'd be concerned that at 6 he will not understand that this doesn't mean he is a bad person also. I'd be concerned he will share the information with those that don't need to know and be judged for it. I'd also not want him to have to keep the secret.

 

50 years? I'd tell him when he was older. 13 or 14.

 

Yes you should tell him when he's older because he may be able to understand more but then again at the same time when he gets older and you tell him the truth, he is going to wonder why you never told him until now and he could eventually resent you for that even though I know you are trying to do what is right for your son but in either scenario your son is going to be hurt and I know you are trying to prevent that from happening but there are some things you just can't change no matter how hard you may want to

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I don't think you should tell him... imagine how he may react when he finds out his father is in prison for armed robbery and voluntary man slaughter! That is going to do great things for your child's psyche! I would just make something up, tell him his father and you were very much in love but he joined the peace corps in Africa or something and either died or went native.

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I don't think you should tell him... imagine how he may react when he finds out his father is in prison for armed robbery and voluntary man slaughter! That is going to do great things for your child's psyche! I would just make something up, tell him his father and you were very much in love but he joined the peace corps in Africa or something and either died or went native.

 

But then if you lie to your son in this way by what is suggested then what if let's say your son gets older and he finds out the truth about his father being in prison the hard way either by finding the letters your ex wrote because your son could find those letters by mistake or your son could always go online and find out about his father that way by doing his research and then he could say that you have been lying to him his whole life about his father and he could in turn end up turning on you hating you for lying to him even though you did it to protect him but he might not see it that way

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But then if you lie to your son in this way by what is suggested then what if let's say your son gets older and he finds out the truth about his father being in prison the hard way either by finding the letters your ex wrote because your son could find those letters by mistake or your son could always go online and find out about his father that way by doing his research and then he could say that you have been lying to him his whole life about his father and he could in turn end up turning on you hating you for lying to him even though you did it to protect him but he might not see it that way

 

You have a good point... but imagine how a young child would feel knowing their father was a criminal, killed a man, and is physically alive but otherwise untouchable? That has to reak havoc on a child's mind. Maybe the mother can continue with her lie, or just say "it is a long story I will tell you when you are older and more mature".

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You have a good point... but imagine how a young child would feel knowing their father was a criminal, killed a man, and is physically alive but otherwise untouchable? That has to reak havoc on a child's mind. Maybe the mother can continue with her lie, or just say "it is a long story I will tell you when you are older and more mature".

 

Then I could accept that as an answer but the child in question he then could get more curious by saying how he is mature enough to handle it even though he is 6 years old he isn't really mature enough to handle it because I know how 6 year olds think because I have cousins that are her son's age or in that age category but also her son could find out through other sources like the letters for example that I mentioned because what if her son stumbles on them and reads it

 

Or what if her son goes online and reads articles about his father because that could happen

 

Or how about his father's family, like I am sure the son has relatives on his father's side of the family and they could always tell him the truth about his father, that is another way he could find out

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GorillaTheater

I'd go ahead and lay it out in an age-appropriate way. Something like this:

 

"Son, your dad did a bad thing, and the police caught him and he had to go to jail because of what he did. He and his friends decided to rob a store/house/whatever, and when you make a bad choice like that you have to go to jail. He loves you, and wishes he hadn't done it. I love you, and it will be okay."

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I'd go ahead and lay it out in an age-appropriate way. Something like this:

 

"Son, your dad did a bad thing, and the police caught him and he had to go to jail because of what he did. He and his friends decided to rob a store/house/whatever, and when you make a bad choice like that you have to go to jail. He loves you, and wishes he hadn't done it. I love you, and it will be okay."

 

This approach I agree with the most because it will ease your son's pain and he would see that he is loved by you and you being there for him will make it easier for sure

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lucy_in_disguise

I was just listening to an npr segment about kids with parents in jail. It is apparently extremely common in the USA, where something like 1/30 kids have a parent who is incarcerated.

 

The NPR program was about sesame street having some resources to help families work through this.

 

I would definitely seek out a psychiatrist, but keep in mine there are probably also resources like that out there. It's an issue that is more common than you'd think.

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Stayinsilence

I found out yesterday that my son is considered a victim in the crime, and his father could be ordered to pay for 'mental health counseling' [i hate that term] because of the damage it's caused my son.

 

We watched a movie last night and he said "I bet Daddy likes this movie." I told him I knew he did, his eyes got really big and he said "dad is awesome!" and got even more into the movie.

 

Before he went to bed he asked me for a story about him so I told him a short one and he fell asleep so happy.

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GorillaTheater
I found out yesterday that my son is considered a victim in the crime, and his father could be ordered to pay for 'mental health counseling' [i hate that term] because of the damage it's caused my son.

 

We watched a movie last night and he said "I bet Daddy likes this movie." I told him I knew he did, his eyes got really big and he said "dad is awesome!" and got even more into the movie.

 

Before he went to bed he asked me for a story about him so I told him a short one and he fell asleep so happy.

 

Man, that's a little heartbreaking. I'm sorry that you and particularly your son find yourselves in this situation.

 

A tough road, for sure.

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Stayinsilence

The hardest part is the frequency of questions is just getting worse. It use to be once in awhile, now it's every single day multiple times a day. His soft little voice doesn't make it any easier. There were some comments his dad's family could tell him, his mom died when he was young and he has no contact with his brother or father...

 

The person I worry about is my bratty twelve year old nephew. I know he'd love to say something just to hurt someone, and he wouldn't think twice about it.

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Stayinsilence

I got a letter from his dad yesterday saying it was embarrassing to send so many letters and never get any back.

 

So, Last night I got out some pictures and letters, because it was better for me to tell my son than someone else. I told him daddy had done something very bad and went to jail for it. But he still loved him no matter what. He asked if daddy hurt anyone and I told him yes, his dad hit someone (he also planned the robbery, he however did not kill the officer). He asked if his dad was mean, I said no, his dad was always nice, he just made bad choices.

 

He loved listening to me read the letters, and didn't want to stop for anything, he hung on to every word. I had him help me on some, because it's supposed to help curb his stutter. He did a great job and only needed a little help on bigger words. He was happy his dad had blue eyes too, I noticed he has a lot of his dad's features, and my blonde hair and lips.

 

He asked to write a letter to him (something suggested in all the letters to him) I'm a bit hesitant though, because even though it's childish and selfish, I'm still very hurt.

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I am incredibly proud of you. You have started a healing process with your son -- and with you -- and I foresee a great deal of healing in your household.

 

 

<hugs>

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ChasingCars

I can't say what is right for your situation but my situation is very similar; my father was a bank robber.

 

While it is a less than ideal situation of course, I was never deeply traumatized/shocked by finding out the truth- the way I found out.

 

It was trickled to me and I learned all the details when I was grown.

It was never presented to me as if when spoken the world was going to collapse. It was spoken to me like any other important conversation but no huge terrible build up to get me all worked up before it ever even came out. That make sense? Your trauma isn't his trauma and try not to present it as if this is the end of his world?

 

I didn't think much about my father because we had no NC until I was 12 but by then I knew he "had problems" and was not going to be around.

I would tread carefully to not put ideas in the child's mind that daddy is doing something important and good. This leaves too much to the imagination to grow up thinking daddy is a super spy or something then the truth may be more traumatic than necessary.

A base line of truth that isn't very heavy sets the stage for trickling more as he gets older.

 

I want to note too that his father did a terrible thing, is paying for it and I have NO idea what kind of person he is today or what he may be like in 20 years but while my father did wrong to alot of people and failed me in ways of not being there for me as a child, etc- he never treated me poorly directly and has offered me quite a bit in the way of acceptance, encouragement and such. During some of my hardest years he was the person I could confide anything too...I never had to fear judgment.

In other words, a parent can be royally mucked up in some extreme ways and still somehow be good enough as a parent to be better for that son/daughter to be in his/her life in some capacity than not at all.

Go with your gut though, you know this man.

 

 

This isn't something I even think much about but am sharing in case it can be of use.

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Forever Learning

I think this is a good thing too - your son being told the truth, in a gentle and age appropriate way. I don't think you need to go into much more detail than what you did, I think you did GREAT!

 

I have a 5 year old son and a 9 year old son, so I can relate to how your son is thinking via my 5 year old son's mindset.

 

He will surely ask you again and again about his dad. The cues you give off, like your tone of voice, and if you seem angry/bitter, etc will probably influence how he ends up feeling about his dad as well.

 

I like the thought of you keeping it simple and without bitterness, in just a matter of fact type tone, with gentleness and kindness as well.

 

If it were me, I would probably tell my 5 year old (he is almost 6 actually) that Daddy made a bad choice, and it was a mistake.

 

And we all make mistakes - this is something to emphasize over and over as well - but for Daddy's mistake, he is in a long 'time-out' at a special place where people go when they make a big mistake (I'm sure your son knows what a time-out is).

 

I would CONTINUALLY EMPHASIZE that Daddy is sorry for his mistake, that Daddy in NOT a bad person, Daddy is a kind, loving person that loves his son very much, and wants his son to make good choices.

 

I would keep this 'motto' going for all your son's life.

 

His image of his Dad, will be his role model. YOU can almost totally influence his mind's eye image of what his father is NOW (a reformed, kind man who loves his son and wants him to make good choices).

 

I would communicate all that you are saying to your son, in letters you write to his Dad, to keep him in the loop, as to the gentle and kind spin you are putting on the tone of all the dialogue you have with your son about his Dad.

 

Try to get him (his Dad) on board and in agreement with you, in using this situation, as a means to guide your son to make good choices in life. Life gave you lemons, let's make this into lemonade, as they say.

 

I am doing the same with my sons, their father made poor choices (spent a year in prison for DUI's) and praise God, their Dad is (mostly) working with me when it comes to trying to emphasize making 'good choices' in life, regarding alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, college, telling the truth, doing the right thing, developing integrity, etc, etc, etc.

 

My older son is in Boy Scouts, and both boys are involved in church groups and soccer.

 

Have you got your son in positive activities such as these?

 

There will be positive male role models for him in these type organizations (by the way, I as a precaution, I NEVER leave my sons alone with adult men, just FYI, no matter it be at church, Boy Scouts, soccer, whatever, just keep that part in mind, better safe than sorry. Just a personal rule of mine that I like to pass along. ).

 

Put aside the hurt and anger towards your son's Dad.

 

He can end up being an incredible ASSET for you in guiding your son through the next decade (especially your son's teen years).

 

I know you are pissed off at his Dad, big time. Oh yes, I can imagine. I pretty much despise my ex-husband, no doubt about it, seriously - he is a major douchebag when it comes down to it.

 

BUT, I put all that aside and work with him to better my kid's lives. It's not easy, but it can be very fruitful in shaping the children.

 

Like I said, this could end up being a huge goldmine of positive influence on your son, if his dad will work with you to influence your son to make good choices in life.

 

 

My kids and I go to family therapy once a week. Here in Texas, the kid's insurance pays for it. Look into what you can get for therapy for your son. It will help so much, if the therapist is someone you click with. If not, shop around until you find one you like and who your son can talk to. Good luck!

Edited by Forever Learning
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OP and Forever Learning - you are both doing great!

 

Your posts really made me smile.

 

Take care,

Eve x

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Stayinsilence

Yesterday we went to the beach and played until the fireworks started. He said that he wished his Daddy was there, I told him he was probably wishing he was there too.

 

We've started working on the letter he wanted to write to his dad. He's writing it, and I'm helping him spell some words he doesn't know yet. He wanted to send him some pictures, but I'm really not ready to go there yet.

 

I don't know what my problem is... I should be over this by now, it's been six years. Before the robbery even took place I knew somehow we weren't going to make it another year. So there isn't really a reason for me to still be upset.

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Wow, a difficult situation, and some very thoughtful comments in this thread.

 

I agree with the others who recommend the age-appropriate truth, which will gradually expand as he gets older and can incorporate more of the details.

 

Think of it this way: imagine him as an adult. At some point, he's going to find out at least something; this will make him want to know the truth, and he will eventually be driven to find the whole truth, right? Somehow, he needs to get from here to there. So if you had continued to keep the truth of his father hidden (and distorted) as long as possible, you were setting up for a giant shock somewhere along the way: probably a hugely painful realignment of his whole world view, and irrespective of your stated intentions (to protect him), he might well have seen you as complicit in creating that shock and pain.

 

Instead, you are helping him incorporate the honest reality of his life, gradually, as he grows up.

 

Going back to ChasingCars' experience and comments, give your son honest answers - filtered to be age-appropriate, but still honest - and don't distort things to make your ex sound better, bigger, more imporant than he is. Keep it honest and real, because your son is going to figure it all out sooner or later, and for the good of your relationship with him, you want him to know that you were straight with him all along the way.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself for still being upset after a long time. This rocked your world, and sharply altered your vision of your future. You might still be sad about that occasionally; you are probably mad about it as well, and a host of other emotions, too. Allow yourself that.

 

But at the same time, you'll do your son a favor by trying to act as level about it as you can (again, I like ChasingCars' advice.) Don't run and hide and turn this into a scary, anxious family secret. It's a part of your lives; address it as needed, be open and available for your son so he doesn't develop a need to swallow it down, hide it away along with his feelings about it, and develop an anxiety association with it in the long term.

 

To the degree that his vision of his father was uncertain, he continued to ask, to strive, to probe and search for more, and to develop his own fantasy vision to fill that hole. If you can give him gentle, honest certainty, and the support to handle the loss associated with his father's separation from him, he will be less likely to fill that empty space with made-up fantasy - which eventually has to come crashing down - and he can proceed with other parts of his development with less anxiety and uncertainty.

 

That's all my opinion - I agree with the others that if there's any way you can swing some therapy/psychologist sessions to review these ideas and work out some strategies, I think it would be a very good thing.

 

Finally, I think you have taken a bold step in the right direction, and I wish you the very best of luck!

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