The x and non parenting.

[Teacher121]

I have been divorced for ten years. My son was ten at the time. We did the counseling thing for awhile but he grew to hate it and resent it so I didn't make him go anymore. He told me it made him feel worse because they kept pointing to all the craziness of his dad and he cherished him at the time.

 

Flash forward ten years. The guy is ok but he's been through heck and back. It appears as tho he's now decided to do nothing with his life, quit school and blames all of this crap on me, yet stays here knowing he's got no where to go. I am at my wits end trying to help him.

 

The thing is......I think he needs his dad's guidance, but there is no dad to speak of at this point. If I try to talk to the x about him he blames me for sons troubles and just attacks me for divorcing him. He's told me several things.....

 

1. He claims its easier for me to parent.......HA it's not easy for anyone so I told him it's easier for him to let me.

 

2. Anytime anything bad happens I'm blamed. Forget the fact that kids screw up. Now mind you, son has not been in any big trouble, little things along the way. But then, when good stuff happens, they take complete credit and act as if they poured any time and energy into raising these kids.

 

3. After he divorced his wife and then took her back, we had been on common ground and working together for the kids. He took her back and he called and told me....."you are to contact me for no reason what so ever, not even if it's an emergency. My wife wants me to have NO CONTACT WITH YOU AT ALL EVER AGAIN. So, my daughter used my phone and sent him a picture of her self from camp about a week after call, I hadn't told e kids about this call, and he literally cornered me at the gas station. I was scared for my life. He got me wedged by the pump and my door and I thought he was going to hit me. His wife was screaming obscene things from their truck, and he yelled in my face, "I told you never ever to contact me again". Well, so now I haven't.

 

 

I really think my son is depressed and I can't even get him to go to the dr. So I can help him.

 

Anyone out there going through this with a young adult?

 

Honestly, I think he needs his butt kicked, but I'm not able to do that. He tells me I'm all he has. He dad cut him and his sister out years ago, but it's still hurting son the most.

 

My dad now lives close by and that's been helpful for son. He also goes over there and helps a lot and to his other grandparents weekly to mow and such.

 

How do I get this young man going in the right direction again with no help from the one person I think could help him?

 

The x had his wife's middle son living with him from the age of 18-20 doing nothing. My son feels slighted that he allowed that young man there but won't even let him come visit.

 

I keep telling son you can't blame us forever, that he's got to move on and DO something to help himself, but I get no where......

 

 

I'm so frustrated and it pains me so much. Ivelet go of a lot of crap from the past and have delt well with a really bad situation, but dint now it's all I can think about........how do I help this man child? Then I think, he should be helping himself........I'm going crazy........

[Teacher121]

I need to add here. I do not enable son. I pay his phone, give him a roof, and meals if he fixes them lol! I do not give him a penny at this point at all. He grumbles about it, but he knows my response........go get a freaking job if you want things.

 

I took his tv the other night because he took some money I left on the table. I told him he gets it back when I get my money.

 

Am I being too hard on him?

[alvitdk]

I need to add here. I do not enable son. I pay his phone, give him a roof, and meals if he fixes them lol! I do not give him a penny at this point at all. He grumbles about it, but he knows my response........go get a freaking job if you want things.

 

I took his tv the other night because he took some money I left on the table. I told him he gets it back when I get my money.

 

Am I being too hard on him?

 

Actually, you are not hard enough of him. My son just turned 18 and has lots of issues on his own with his girlfriend and others, but I told him 4 weeks before he graduated HS that he has to look for a job for the summer before college starts. Having said that, I pay for his phone as well as insurance for his car and told him without a job I will drop his phone and 2 weeks later I will stop paying for insurance. Well, his phone is disconnected and he is on the verge of having no car. Of couse he turns it around, telling me it's our fault he cant get a job since we too his phone.

 

Do't ley into that. Your son is old enough, and steeling from me would get his butt get kicked out of the house, no if and when. So, tell him you stop paying for his phone and he has 2 weeks to pay you back and get a job, if not he WILL have to find a different place to stay, and go through with it. I know it's hard but if you stick with it, I'm sure eventually he will come around if he realizes he mean it.

[wow04]

I need to add here. I do not enable son. I pay his phone, give him a roof, and meals if he fixes them lol! I do not give him a penny at this point at all. He grumbles about it, but he knows my response........go get a freaking job if you want things.

 

I took his tv the other night because he took some money I left on the table. I told him he gets it back when I get my money.

 

Am I being too hard on him?

 

You are enabling him. You pay his phone, give him a roof, and meals. That is enabling him. You are way to easy on him.

 

Set boundaries and stick to them. My mom's rule was if you have a job you can stay here and pay a reasonable amount of rent (what we could afford). If you are in school you can stay rent free. She didn't pay for anything (cell phones, car insurance, any other bills).

 

There was a time I had trouble finding a job and I wasn't in school. To earn my keep I did odd jobs for her. I painted her porch, cleaned the house, fixed the meals, etc. But in that time I had to be active in finding a job.

[turnera]

You're not being too hard on him. He needs you to be the moral guidance in his life, even if he doesn't 'like' you for it.

 

Stay steady, don't change what you're doing, but do look for opportunities for him to excel at something. Ask others to help you. Be creative. What he needs right now is to be proud of himself, and it's hard to do that in his situation. Talk to him about things like Peace Corps or Volunteers of America (voa.org). Suggest he find something he enjoys like music or a sport or electronics, and start taking some junior college courses in it.

 

eta: I will agree with wow that you could be setting some stricter requirements on him. I assumed he was just getting out of high school but if that's not the case, I would require he start paying rent if he's not enrolled in college.

Edited July 9, 2012 by turnera

[Teacher121]

Thank you! I have gotten the community college schedule here, and told him to pick ANYTHING that interests him in the least. He's been looking. He's got to go talk to the counselor there soon. His trust will pay for any school he wants. He's been given a huge gift in ever got. I saved their college accounts in the divorce knowing the X was against it. It as my ace for their futures.

 

He does lots of things to help here willingly.

 

My dad is taking him to Canada next week for ten days of fishing at a camp with my brother. I think this will help too. They know he's an awesome fisherman and they are going to use this time to build him up a bit.

 

He can't feel good about himself, I know it. I try so hard not to nag him or @itch at him.......

 

He's honestly got no where to go. I can't kick him out. He would be on the street and God knows what would happen then!

 

I'm thinking if he can't figure it out it wouldn't hurt for him to talk to a recrutor. (spelling?) I'm thinking coast guard as we live on the gulf od Mexico, and he loves the water.

 

This is so hard, because when they are little you can help. Now I have to let go or he'll never grow. I want to be supportive, but I don't want to enable either. He gets nada as far as any money goes. His phone has been on my plan, and he eats what we eat. I'm cooking for us and my parents daily. He helps a lot with my folks especially. They are both really sick and sometimes I drown in all i have to do. It's good I can count on him to help.

 

You know, he's so good with the elderly, I wish I could point him in that direction.

 

He busted my chops when I tried to talk to him about why he quit school. He told that was what I wanted him to do. He never felt that way before, and I really didn't push him to go, but his comment really hurt me. I don't want him to do what I want, I want him to be what he wants, whatever that is at this point. It will have to be some sort of higher education, but well.......I don't know.

 

I have friends that have their 24, 25, 27 year olds back living with them at this point. They say.......oh, the economy is bad can't find a job. Those young adults have it SO good why find a job. I had to work a lot of crummy jobs to get the good one I have now. It also took a four year degree I paid for!!

 

I think to some extent he feels slighted cause he sees some of his friends justing hanging with their wealthy parents. Sorry dude, born in wrong family!

[turnera]

Well, that's why you have the rule (the same one my DD21 knows about, btw) - if you're out of high school and living at home, you're either going to some sort of college (at least 3 classes each semester) or you're paying rent.

 

This is for THEM, not you. If they do pay rent, put it away into a fund for their first house or something. Making this rule helps them grow up. And it sounds like he's missing the drive he should have gotten earlier.

[MuscleCarFan]

YOur exH's wife sounds like a total b!tch. Seriously no contact what so ever? Sounds ridiculous to me because you two have kids and are therefore, tied to one another for life whether you like it or not.

[Teacher121]

The x's wife is a nut case. She's completely cut him off from his kids and his parents. His mom paid gor their divorce then he took her back and married her again and now mom is not speaking to him at all. They've got huge problems and have had them for years. They continually stalk me even after ten years, and blame me for their issues. They have done so many things to those kids I couldn't begin to list them all. Probably the worst was when they were taking them for visitation years ago, they would lock them out of the house to have sex. The kids knew what was going on and were outside for hours. They would call on sons cell and ask me to come get them. One time they locked my 13 year old daughter out at 11pm. They wouldn't let her carry her cell at their house because HER daughter didn't have a phone and she was jealous. I dropped her off from a movie and thought she was in the house cause she shut the garage door and I couldn't see she hadn't gotten in yet. Apparently my x was sick and step mom wouldn't answer the door because it was not her job to take car of HIS kids. She said this to my daughter through the door. Needless to say when I found out she left her outside crying for almost two hours I gave them a piece of my mind. 1. She would never be there with out her phone again. 2. If they ever did anything like that again I call CPS and report them. He agreed but never apologized to her.

 

When the x told son to come get his stuff, his wife wanted sons room and threw everything in the garage. They had separate bedrooms at that time so I guess his room had to go. They could have been a little nicer about it, but I've told son you just have to move on and not let them get to him. My X doesn't know how to be a father, and he wont stand up to his wife as I think she's just beaten him down to a pulp. I'm not making excuses for him because I lived with him for 16 years. He's totally nuts and won't do anything to help himself.

 

I know son has been through a lot, more than your average divorce, but I won't allow him to use it to make his own life a disaster. Somedays I think he's going to be fine, other days I just feel so hopeless. I got out of that marriage to save him, and now I feel like it was in vain. Son has had to fight as hard as myself to stand up for himself. I just hate to see him so down at such a young age.

[turnera]

The fishing trip will do him good. Start talking about volunteering, even if it's just a local thing. Tell him that you have signed yourself and him up for, say, helping out at the local food bank or a kid's hospital or something.