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How often should I let my teen daughter's boyfriend sleep over?


Ele_Morales

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Hi everyone,

 

My teenage daughter, who is 17, has been seeing her boyfriend for about 6 months now, and I know that she is serious about him by the way that she acts; she is normally so nonchalant about guys and doesn't take dating seriously but with her current boyfriend she behaves very differently. She has recently started asking me if he can sleep over. I do not have a problem with this, as she has shown me how mature she can be and how she feels she is ready to have a more mature relationship. But I am unsure as to how often I should let him sleep over. Obviously at the moment it will be on very rare occasions but what about if they are still together in a years time when they are 18 and finishing high school? I ask this now because presumably once I first give them the ok, I will be asked again and again if he can spend the night and I don't know when to allow it to happen more often.

She is my eldest child so I'm not really sure how to go about this. How often would you guys say is appropriate?

Thanks :)

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At 17? My honest feeling is not appropriate at all. Obviously I would sound ignorant to suggest that she's not already sleeping with him WITHOUT having a sleep-over, but they've only been dating for six months and allowing him to sleep over is encouragement. You say you know your daughter is ready for a 'mature' relationship - is she really? She's 17 here. I'm not saying it's impossible that she's mature, prepared, and CAPABLE, but it is unlikely.

 

Let her know about the Planned Parenthood web site. If I were you, she would be making an appointment and starting birth control or otherwise getting access to condoms or spermicide before he's allowed to spend the night, if that's not already come up. I would be discussing with her the cost of a possible pregnancy. Those life-like simulator dolls that will cry during the night? She'd be enjoying a one or two-week real life tutorial with one of those, too, before he spends the night.

 

If he's going to be spending the night, then I also think it's worthwhile that they both discuss what they would do in the event of a possible pregnancy. Will they both work? How will they handle the care of their child? Who will take care of the child while they're both at work/in school?

 

These are discussions that need to happen before this relationship starts getting more 'mature' or 'serious.' What are the laws on teens having sex in your state? While I know that the age of consent is 16 in my state, I know there are some where it's 18. Don't make it -easier- for them to do something that could wind up getting them in trouble down the road.

 

I emphasize that she go through all of these things so she can really start to understand the gravity of her decisions. A lot of 17-year-old kids lack the foresight to understand the consequences of their actions. I've seen plenty of teenage moms between 16 and 18. They think it's going to be a cakewalk. And a year after the kid's born, they're still having semi-breakdowns and frequently passing the kid off to mom to take care of.

 

So, make sure she is REALLY prepared to have this 'mature' relationship, because negative consequences can also accompany that. Does she know about venereal diseases? While she's 17 and they've been dating for 6 months, I'd imagine there's still a possibility that they haven't had sex. But whether or not they have, these are important lessons she needs to learn before she continues forward.

 

If you're going to go ahead and let him stay the night, make sure his parents are fine with it first. I'd say no more than one night a week. If she wants to have him over more, she can get a dorm in college and have him over more than that.

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Thanks for your advice RiverRunning.

I know that she is already sleeping with him and she is already on birth control. She is a very sensible girl and knows all about the consequences of having a sexual relationship. But I trust her to manage this aspect of her life and feel that she is mature enough to handle it. But see I would say that once a week is far too often, maybe not in a year's time but definitely right now. It's not the sex I'm concerned about, it's the idea of her becoming so close to someone so quickly. At their age they still have a lot of growing and changing to do, which makes it unlikely they will stay together for the rest of their lives. And letting her become so attached to him and spend every night with him will make it so much harder if and when their relationship ends. But at the same time I don't want to hold her back completely. I'm just struggling to figure out where to set the boundaries I guess.

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Hi everyone,

 

My teenage daughter, who is 17, has been seeing her boyfriend for about 6 months now, and I know that she is serious about him by the way that she acts; she is normally so nonchalant about guys and doesn't take dating seriously but with her current boyfriend she behaves very differently. She has recently started asking me if he can sleep over. I do not have a problem with this, as she has shown me how mature she can be and how she feels she is ready to have a more mature relationship. But I am unsure as to how often I should let him sleep over. Obviously at the moment it will be on very rare occasions but what about if they are still together in a years time when they are 18 and finishing high school? I ask this now because presumably once I first give them the ok, I will be asked again and again if he can spend the night and I don't know when to allow it to happen more often.

She is my eldest child so I'm not really sure how to go about this. How often would you guys say is appropriate?

Thanks :)

 

You have other kids, younger ones in the house? Then NO. You shouldn't let her boyfriend sleepover. She's only 17 years old. And the siblings don't need to be exposed to this.. I'm not judging, I am just going by what a neighbour of mine has done recently and the other two brothers really resent having the girl sleep over and be around in the house. its' caused much strife and uncomfortable moments too.

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Hi everyone,

 

My teenage daughter, who is 17, has been seeing her boyfriend for about 6 months now, and I know that she is serious about him by the way that she acts; she is normally so nonchalant about guys and doesn't take dating seriously but with her current boyfriend she behaves very differently. She has recently started asking me if he can sleep over. I do not have a problem with this, as she has shown me how mature she can be and how she feels she is ready to have a more mature relationship. But I am unsure as to how often I should let him sleep over. Obviously at the moment it will be on very rare occasions but what about if they are still together in a years time when they are 18 and finishing high school? I ask this now because presumably once I first give them the ok, I will be asked again and again if he can spend the night and I don't know when to allow it to happen more often.

She is my eldest child so I'm not really sure how to go about this. How often would you guys say is appropriate?

Thanks :)

I'd vote for not at all.

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Ele_,

 

Wow, I must be very old fashion! I can't believe that people actually allow boyfriends to sleep over.

 

My kids are 24 and 26 yrs old. I wouldn't have considered their boyfriend or girlfriend sleeping over.

 

They never asked either. I suppose that's because they already knew it wouldn't happen.

 

I'm with the poster that said, when they are old enough to have their own place.

 

I mean really, what do kids have to look forward to when they get grown ,if they're already doing grown up things as a child. Even if they are "mature" for their age, so what?

 

If they aren't grown enough to be out on their own, then they aren't grown.

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I'm surprised that everyone else agreed with my advice. I figured that I'd be getting "omg you're so old-fashioned" in response.

 

 

My parents offered -once- for my boyfriend to stay the night, but to be fair I was going on 23. It was New Year's Eve and after midnight, my mom mentioned that she was worried for him to drive (y'know, drunks). I never would've had sex in my parents' house to begin with, but that was the only time. I knew better than to ask if he could stay the night.

 

However, I did stay with him, which caused a lot of friction between my parents and me. Frankly, that was none of their business. While your house is off-limits, once she turns 18 especially, it's entirely her choice if he's going to stay at her place or if she's going to stay the night at his.

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I vote never. My daughter's friend have "cool" parents and they let the guy sleep over etc...

 

well she was so in love with him she let all her other friendships slide. She didn't look at any colleges junior year because she was going to go to his school. Well he left for college in Sept and broke up with her beginning of Oct.

 

Now she has to scramble to pick college. She did nothing and oh yes she had no friends so she started dating a guy right away to be not so lonely.

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GorillaTheater

I vote "never" as well. My oldest daughter's (aged 22 and 23 at the relevant times) boyfriend (now fiance) lived out of town, and would sometimes spend the night at our house. In the guest room.

 

They may well have snuck some time in the middle of the night, but I'm sure as hell not going to give my blessing to it. Part of it is what that will teach my other, younger kids. Part of it is a more primal thing: "no way is some guy screwing my daughter under my roof without a marriage license".

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Citizen Erased

My mother allowed sleepovers at that age, always in separate rooms of course. Her bedroom was opposite mine, there was no way I was sneaking him into my room, let alone having sex with him. The horror. :eek: It was only once she knew my first boyfriend, and once she had met his parents that it was allowed. I was allowed to sleep at his house too, once her and his parents had sat down and went over boundaries. And it definitely wasn't once a week, I was always encouraged to spend time with my female friends which I did most weekends. My grades actually improved during this time too, if they hadn't then nobody, male or female, would have been allowed to stay over.

 

I'm 24 now, no kids, married recently and I have worked my butt off since the day I left her house, at 18. There are horror stories, but they also occur when you're away for the weekend, when they sneak them into their bedroom from the outside window, when they're driving home from school or at a house party.

 

I'm not telling you to allow this, funny as it sounds I more than likely won't allow it with my own children once I have them, but you're kinda getting a one sided argument for "against" in this thread.

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Would you let her sleep over at his house?

 

You do realize,they will obviously be having sex under your roof,right?

 

Is she on Birth control that you know of?

 

Are you ready for an "accidental" grandchild?

 

There is a fine line between "cool mom" and "fool mom".

 

"Sleepover" is code for can you make it easier for us to get laid?;)

 

It seems you forgot what it was like to be a teen.

 

Can I assume that her father isn't living in the house,because I doubt he would be cool with his daughter doing the wild thing in the room next to his.

 

Give them an inch and they will take a mile.

 

That being said,my mother let me have guys over at 17 and we had alot of sex under her roof! lol

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  • 2 weeks later...
optomistic_nonsense

Else, I am 26 yrs old and my mother never ever permitted me to have boys over, nor did I ever dare to ask! If you have younger children under the same roof, it's not gonna look good. At all. She needs to hold off til she can pay her own rent.

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zero times/week

 

Yeah..indeed

 

Her being sexually active doesn't mean the parent should condone a behavior that isn't acceptably healthy for a 17 year old..

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I know that she is already sleeping with him and she is already on birth control. She is a very sensible girl and knows all about the consequences of having a sexual relationship. But I trust her to manage this aspect of her life and feel that she is mature enough to handle it.

 

There's no such thing as a sensible, mature 17-year-old girl who is having sex. If she was sensible and mature, she would realize that 17 is too young to have sex, especially after only a few months of dating this boy. The sensible, mature 17-year-olds are the ones who have made the sensible, mature decision to wait until college to start having sex. The ones who start having sex in high school are just horny, they're not sensible or mature.

 

I think you should be concerned about the sex, for several reasons: (1) She's still a child. (2) Young girls are likely to become more attached to their boyfriends after having sex. (3) She may or may not be using condoms.

 

And allowing her boyfriend to sleep over is just ridiculous. I can see where your daughter gets her cavalier attitude about sex.

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I also vote never. Its possible that she could eventually resent you for not letting him sleep over more often. She will resent you at times when she is more emotional and not rational. You punish her by not letting her see him at all, and it will really create a divide. Hopefully she wont forget to take the pills, because she sure as hell wont be wearing condoms now that shes on it.

BTW, one of them will dump the other by the time shes 19 or 21. it depends on which one of them needs the relationship more.

 

Although, maybe I change my mind about this...I guess youre letting him sleep over so she doesnt have to sneak around, do you really want to hear them having sex while youre trying to sleep? Does the door have to stay open? what if you catch them in the act?

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bentnotbroken

I am going to go against the crowd somewhat. I would allow him to sleep over...as long as my daughter was lying next to me and my shotgun;).

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  • 2 weeks later...
I am going to go against the crowd somewhat. I would allow him to sleep over...as long as my daughter was lying next to me and my shotgun;).

 

:lmao:

 

OP, I would insist on your girl having the implant, contraception wise. Pills get forgotten. Seriously now - like, priority time.

 

Be prepared for your daughter to start spending lots of time at her boyfriends home, as is usually the case. Even though she is sensible, get her on the implant and keep in close touch with her College to make sure that she is keeping up to date with her education.

 

Take care,

Eve x

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I agree with NEVER. She's probably not going to think she's too young because no doubt many of her friends are sleeping with their boyfriends, but that's another issue for you to deal with. However, it sounds like you're already accepting that she is sexually active. That's too bad.

 

But it's not too late for you to put your foot down and for the sake of respect, tell her no. Unacceptable. My kids wouldn't dream of asking me if their friends of the opposite sex could stay in their room with them. On the couch, fine. (I'm a very light sleeper :p)

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  • 3 weeks later...

When my husband and I were dating, I was 17. We went to visit my mom who lived out of town by two and a half hours. I did not have a license and he did. I was an honest child and didn't have sex until I was 18. My mom allowed my boyfriend to stay over since we were visiting from out of town and my parents are separated. She lives in a mobile home with super thin walls that if we were to do anything, she could easily hear everything. Not only that, but she trusted me and I was trustworthy. I know this isn't the case for many teenagers, so I guess each situation depends. The most important thing is that you have a chat with you child before a boyfriend or girlfriend spends the night.

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