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Girlfriend with kid, I'm without. Problems!


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Ok so I have never wanted kids. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Until this point I have never dated anyone with kids. I'm 30 years old.

 

6 months ago I met and fell in love with my current girlfriend who is 33, divorced and has a 5 year old son. Also it should be noted we live 3000 kms away from each other so needless to say it's long distance.

 

So until this point she has been coming to visit me and it's always great.

 

This time she wanted me to come see her and I did. Needless to say I met her son, he is a good kid mostly. The problem is at night he won't sleep in his own bed and she let's him come into her bed and sleep. It's kind of creepy and I know now I'm not supposed to be here. I think it was to early to meet? I don't know if this always happens or if he is jealous? Now I'm sleeping on the floor in the living room writing this! She freaks out thinking I don't love her or will leave her because I don't sleep in the bed. I'm trying to send her the message to deal with her son and set up some sleeping rules.

 

He tends to push her around. We went for a walk (my idea) and he whined and cried until she carried him. She is only 90 pounds and it was so hard for her. I felt bad for suggesting doing something other than sitting around playing video games. When I was his age my mom would have kicked my butt. Also we were allowed to just sit around and play video games.

 

She loves me alot and I love her alot. Can this relationship ever work??

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Billie The Puppet

Has she tried to put him in his own bed and lay there with him until he falls asleep?

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Yes she does. He will sleep for an hour or two then he is out and into her bed.

 

She takes him back 2 or 3 times with lots of whining and crying. Eventually she gives in. So far both nights she has had him here since my stay.

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I was a single mom with 2 kids when my current husband and I met. It took a lot of time and adjustment for things to work, and some things we're still working on.

 

Keep in mind that your gf's son has been through a lot - divorce, being in different homes for visitation with the other parent, and now you. His world has been turned upside down and none of it was his choice. He is likely very confused. For me, 5 was a difficult age with my daughter and things got much easier at 6 and then 7. My now 8 year old is now very independent and well-behaved. At 5 she was clingy, very needy, and like your gf's child, she woke me up a lot at night.

 

All of that said, your girlfriend needs to find a way to say "no" to her child. I know some people are against therapy, but a therapist can really help a parent with this type of very necessary discipline. She needs to reassure her child that she is there for him, won't ever leave him, but that he needs to sleep in his own bed. She needs to be firm about that. The first week will be hard and sleepless for her, but eventually he will get the idea.

 

I agree with you that you should not be sleeping in her bed while her son is there. Until you know you want to be with her long-term, it is giving her son a confusing message. He has already experienced loss in his young life and if he becomes attached to you, he will experience more loss. Over time, children will then begin to think that any adult who enters their life is likely to abandon them.

 

The suggestion of a walk was not a bad idea - you have never been around children and don't know what to expect. Keep in mind that if you're doing something that is not fun for the child or the child is tired, hungry, etc no one is likely to have a good time doing whatever you suggest doing. Next time, try going to a park with a playground so you can chase him around the playground, push him on the swings, and have fun together. Bring a juice box and a snack for him in case he gets hungry and then offer to carry him on your shoulders back to the car. This type of activity is fun for the child and hopefully for you too.

 

Still - with a child as young as 5, you will have to expect resistance and tears when changing activities, leaving the playground, etc. You can give him a warning - like "we're getting ready to go in 5 minutes!" And make leaving more fun by giving him a ride on your shoulders. In time, he will get easier and grow up.

 

I suggest the book "The Smart Stepdad" by Deal for anyone who is dating or married to a woman with a child. Very helpful.

 

I wish you the best with your gf - things can work if she is willing to make some changes and if you're willing to be patient.

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Irishlove

If she knows this bothers you I'm sure she will work on it with you. If you really love her be patient. I allow my child to sleep in my bed if they are sick only. Give it time, there's not much she can do right away. It's going to take about a week or two to get him used to sleeping in his own bed.

Six months is a good time. You're going to have to get used to him going in the bed once in a while. They have nightmares. Scooch over and let him feel safe in the middle. There is nothing wierd about it.

Or....let him sleep in her bed and you two go sleep in his bed. ;)

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Billie The Puppet

Believe it or not 5 YO still sleeping in a parents bed is not very uncommon these days especially in case of a broken home.

 

It could cause a little bit of separation anxiety.

 

I think you'll need to have an honest discussion with your girlfriend and explain to her how you feel uncomfortable with the sleeping arrangments at her place.

 

As for can this relationship work question. I believe it can but not without effort from your side. Your values state you don't want kids but by staying in this relationship you effectively take on the role of a step parent. If your love for her is greater than your values it could work out. However you'll always have the burden of your values at the back of your mind which will always cause tense situations.

 

To your knowledge does the child have a relationship with his father and is his father experiencing the same sleep patterns?

 

I do see how you are in an awkward situation but you do have a few options ahead of you.

 

You could be passive and create a sleeping arrangement for your self when the Kid is around ie a cot, air mattress , separate bed for yourself. However I could see this causing problems with intimacy.

 

You could be aggressive but this is stepping into unfamiliar territory by suggesting a tough love method in which will cause many sleepless nights.

 

Basically the mother will have to lay down with her son to start and every time he gets up to join bring him back. Not 2 or 3 times but every time. She will also have to let him scream. Can not give in just to shut him up. This will be difficult if neighbors are shared via a common wall (Apartments, Townhomes etc)

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Thanks for all the great advice.

 

We had a talk. I am going to be more patient and remember she has to be a mother first. She has also agreed to work more on getting him to sleep in his own bed.

 

He is a great kid overall and despite not wanting my own children I actually like him, get along with him well, and am ok with being around him. I think it just bothers me that he gets away with murder. My parents would have kicked my butt all around the block if I pulled what he does. Another example is on days when she doesn't have him we have to grocery shop. I found it odd until we went with him. He gave her crap for not shopping while he was at his dads because it was wasting his time. I was like "are you serious?" I wish she would stand up to him more. Daily routines should be avoided because it's wasting a 5 year olds time.

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melodymatters
She can't properly parent her child or he has deeper issues which are going unresolved and she is using him as a fill in for missing a man in her life so no it can't work.

 

 

HUH ????:eek: Are you a parent ? Like a poster said above, it's pretty common in single parent households, and in ages 5 and under. Five was my cut off point for my daughter ; I tied it in with "growing up and going to kindergarden !"

 

But yeah, the kid comlaining about wasting "his time" would be funny if it wasn't so obnoxious ! SHE is the parent and SHE sets the rules, the times, appropriate behaviors etc.

 

To me, these are two seperate issues : Training a kid to sleep in his own bed ( normal) letting a 5 yr old run the household ( not too healthy) !

Good luck, keep posting !

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Single mothers do this quite often. They encourage particularly they're little boy to sleep in the same bed or don't do as much as they could to keep him out because they miss having a man to hold them in bed. Night is when a woman is going to miss a man the most. Then they'll spoil him since they don't have a man to take care of who would be putting demands on her attention.

 

Sincerely , get help for your perverse perspective. Its unhealthy and since you are speaking nonsense its irrelevant to the matter at hand.

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Whether you are gearing into a Positive Male role model or simply want to be a love interest , its your call. What will be a challenge is the truth: A Single parent will and should put the child's best interest first. Be it guiding them to sleep in their own bed or to adjust to a male role model in their life.

 

The hardest thing to do is keep your mouth closed and your eyes and heart open. Learn that and you are half way to a healthy relationship where the child is concerned.

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TheLoneSock

The distance is far more of an obstacle to your relationship than her child is.

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DaisyLeigh

This is why I think it is unwise to date seriously or have a person come sleep with you when you have young children. Their world has likely been turned upside down and now Mom (or Dad) has someone new?

 

I feel sorry for the children in those situations. (not that you are a bad guy of course) Their needs should come before the dating/relationship wants of the parent.

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melodymatters
This is why I think it is unwise to date seriously or have a person come sleep with you when you have young children. Their world has likely been turned upside down and now Mom (or Dad) has someone new?

 

I feel sorry for the children in those situations. (not that you are a bad guy of course) Their needs should come before the dating/relationship wants of the parent.

 

 

 

I know many, MANY people who grew up with wonderful stepparents, people who stepped in and did the job of the absent parent and made these children feel whole and loved.

 

If mom or dad aren't allowed to date, that will NEVER be a possibility.

 

Not to mention I think it's a bunch of garbage that a person has to give up normal social interaction, which yes, includes romance, for 15 or so years just because they have a child. The childs needs should come first, obviously, but a lonely unhappy parent does not a healthy parent make.

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Melody, I dont think anyone here is thwarting a single parent dating or having a healthy love interest. The poster here is being challenged into a situation they are just now awaking too. Dating a single parent is way different then two single folks with the only responsibility at best is to make sure there bills are paid.

 

Placing a child into the equation does carry a different set of behavior and a way different style of romancing. Being loving need not be hindered it needs incorporated into a family dynamic that pre-existed before the man stepped in. Unfortunately he has to earn his stripes so to speak in being both a positive male role model and being an understanding boyfriend. The Lady could use a wee bit of adjustment in how she handles him along with her child.

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DaisyLeigh
I know many, MANY people who grew up with wonderful stepparents, people who stepped in and did the job of the absent parent and made these children feel whole and loved.

 

If mom or dad aren't allowed to date, that will NEVER be a possibility.

 

Not to mention I think it's a bunch of garbage that a person has to give up normal social interaction, which yes, includes romance, for 15 or so years just because they have a child. The childs needs should come first, obviously, but a lonely unhappy parent does not a healthy parent make.

 

 

I never said NEVER.

 

Call me jaded but I have seen so many instances where Mom or Dad just couldn't go without a boyfriend/girlfriend and were bringing in person after person into the child's life. Also, where I live, there have been a couple of instances where the boyfriend kills the girlfriend's child, in recent months.

 

Not that I am saying anyone here would do either of those things, but I think that people should take their time, and be more careful. Focus on your life, and that of your child, and don't be in such a hurry to get serious with anyone.

 

We can agree to disagree. No harm, no foul.

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I'm a single mum and have been for almost a year. After getting over the split, working on trying to get back together, etc, we realised that it wasn't going to work out.

Until then my son (nearly 2) had some very bad 'joint parenting' routines. For example, he would fall asleep in our bed being cuddled, transferred to his bed and then at 11pm would be in bed with us all night. He used to get away with a lot. He's not naughty, but my ex-partners family were very soft on him and because he was a baby, we let them. He used to get in the bath with me or his dad. He would want to be carried everywhere on his dad's shoulders. Things like that.

These things were all ok and acceptable to our relationship when his father and I were together as he is his dad! It was part of the parcel and package. We weren't a couple anymore, we were a family.

Since the split and once I had gotten over the initial shock and upset,I have entered the stage of 'thinking about dating'.

I met a nice bloke which gave me the push to get my son out of some bad habits.

I see things from your perspective and I'm the single mother! I can understand how overbearing it may be to come into a relationship with a little person involved. Children are difficult at the best of times but I can appreciate it must be doubley difficult to deal with a child that isn't yours! You have lived your life as a singleton and suddenly you feel you are being made to 'play daddy'.

Although my son is not 'naughty' or has any ridiculous habits, I realised how hard things would be for me dating if my boyfriend were to not only share a bed with me but my son, his Toy Story figures and his Iggle Piggle soft toy! Also, coping with a child suddenly in your relationship is only heightened when that child is badly behaved. As a single parent, I want to spoil him but for any hope of a good romantic future I realise that he needs to have discipline.

My son sleeps in his own bed all night now. He doesn't want to be carried anymore, he doesn't take baths with me (well, every now and again...because it's kind of cute!) and he is in the process of understanding discipline.

I would speak to your girlfriend about the situation. You need to tell her that you wanted a relationship with HER and once you were certain that was to work out then it would be time to introduce her child slowly. I told my new man this. We are nowhere near the 'meeting kids' stage but if he were, I would take him somewhere for the day and that would be it for the first meeting. I think she may have thrown you in the deep end here and you need to be honest and tell her it is overwelming. She may get the picture and take things a little slower.

I have no doubt that, if you love this lady and you introduce yourself to her child slowly and calmly, you will grow to love them also. My son has a good supportive father and so any partner of mine in the future is just there as a 'pal' to my child really.

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I want to thank all of you for posting these friendly or sometimes not so friendly stories of life with a single parent. Not to pull the Mom card on myself but have no children due to a very over marriage with a Narcissistic personality. My boyfriend is a very patient and GREAT Dad! But there are glitches due to the personality flaws of a Manic/Bipolar Mom at the other end. I love kids always have, I think they are incredible. His son and I get along great, and out of habit calls me Mom every once in a while. I am not a titles person and am satisfied with my name, just as long as he knows I care about him. But how do you get passed the sudden ocd and needy meltdowns that come with big changes brought on by his Mom? I don't know her or even care to, But how can I handle the situation???? HELP!

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  • 1 month later...

2fnlo.

 

It can work out if you chill out a little. Your first couple of posts sound very tense and you sound annoyed by everything the boy does. I mean, you had to sleep in the living room - is that so horrible? If sleeping there once or more times is what is necessary to make adjustments for the R to work, then it's hardly a huge sacrifice.

 

It could easily make your gf very upset and insecure and make her expect your departure, if she senses that you're annoyed and uncomfortable because of her son.

 

That would put her under enormous pressure, because she would be torn between the loyalty to her son and her desire for this relationship to last.

 

If she is a decent person, she knows she has to put her child first and would not respect herself otherwise. She does not want her little boy to feel pushed away by you coming into the picture, so any changes that need to be made, should be introduced very slowly and gradually, and not straight away.

 

You need to relax and accept the presence of the little boy in your life and reassure your gf that you're not thinking about leaving because of that.

 

That's if you really love her and want it to work out.

 

Sorry if I sound harsh, I don't mean to. You seem a nice and reasonable person. You'll all be fine and better than you can imagine.

Good luck.

Edited by Ellin
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I want to add something to my previous post.

 

The little boy might have been more clingy than usual because the presence of a new man in his mother's life could have made him uneasy.

 

She, on the other hand, could have been less firm with her son than usual, because she wanted to keep peace and avoid any difficult scenes in front of her boyfriend.

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