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Pregnant from a Friends with Benefits


Love_is_Pain

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Love_is_Pain

I am in a big RUT and I need advice. I was having a "friends with benefits" relation with my "friend" for a year and a half. In it, I fell in love and I couldn't get over him bc I thought he was the most nicest genuine guy & I held in my feelings. I respected his need to not want a gf so I ended the friendship for 2 months, but we ran into each other, hooked up again and I got pregnant. I was on birth control but still managed to get pregnant. I've grown up in Catholic school & have always been against abortion. In Catholic School, they pretty much shock you and turn you against abortion. So I believe it to have a soul at conception. Anyways, when I told the dad I want to keep it, the suppose" genuine,nice guy" went out the door and he said he would be there financially but thats about it. I was desperate, and I begged him to help me out and be my partner. He said no. I already have one child who is 4 and I am only 24 years old and single! I still live with family and my career as a makeup artist is just taking off. I've just got the opportunities to do some heavy traveling and my schedule is always so all over the place that I barely have a lot of time with my first son. The easiest decision is to get an abortion but I am so depressed about it. I don't want to do it but I know I need too. To please everyone else I guess. To make an easier life for myself. I can't do this alone. If his father was involved I would keep it, knowing I had that support but he wont so that is what I'm left with and I'm sad I have to give up my baby. Any help? Support? Advice? Please no heavy anti-abortion rants....I know this is wrong but it's another story when your in the position.

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DaisyLeigh

I love how some men have no trouble sticking their dick in, but think that they should be absolved of all responsibility afterward. You lie down with someone, you are, in fact, accepting consequences of that act, no matter what you might WANT.

 

If you keep the child, make sure he meets his LEGAL OBLIGATIONS since he isn't man enough to meet his moral obligations to the child.

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I love how some men have no trouble sticking their dick in, but think that they should be absolved of all responsibility afterward. You lie down with someone, you are, in fact, accepting consequences of that act, no matter what you might WANT.

 

If you keep the child, make sure he meets his LEGAL OBLIGATIONS since he isn't man enough to meet his moral obligations to the child.

 

I don`t know what his "moral" obligations may be but I`m sure he wouldn`t agree with your definition of them.

 

Seems to me the man said he`d meet his obligations financially.

 

I think forcing a relationship over a pregnancy is foolish.

 

I don`t see what more he can do.

 

Women hold all the power in these situations, I can`t fault him for his reaction.

It seems incredibly wise.

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denise_xo
I don`t know what his "moral" obligations may be but I`m sure he wouldn`t agree with your definition of them.

 

Seems to me the man said he`d meet his obligations financially.

 

I think forcing a relationship over a pregnancy is foolish.

 

I don`t see what more he can do.

 

Women hold all the power in these situations, I can`t fault him for his reaction.

It seems incredibly wise.

 

If he's old enough to stick his dick into a woman and make her pregnant, then he is old enough to face the consequences of that. You really don't see what more he can do than meet his financial obligations???? I am completely shocked that I am reading this in 2011. It is no more her responsibility to raise the child than it is his. He should be a man and face the consequences of his actions. He obviously has no obligation to be in a relationship with her, but he has EVERY OBLIGATION to act as a father for this child.

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Can you FWB support the child financially? What does he do for a living?

 

Adoption is always an option too. :)

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DaisyLeigh
I don`t know what his "moral" obligations may be but I`m sure he wouldn`t agree with your definition of them.

 

Seems to me the man said he`d meet his obligations financially.

 

I think forcing a relationship over a pregnancy is foolish.

 

I don`t see what more he can do.

 

Women hold all the power in these situations, I can`t fault him for his reaction.

It seems incredibly wise.

 

 

How about he act like a father to the child he helped to create?

 

Oh no one can force him to be a father. I get that. But, he doesn't have to have a relationship or marriage to the mother to be a father. People do it all of the time.

 

But you are right. It is probably wise that he meet the legal obligations only, in this case. I would not think that the child would benefit from having man like this in his/her life.

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Your problem would be solved if you could come to terms with having an abortion. That way you wouldn't end up with a child that you don't have the time or money to support, to a disinterested father who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Women have abortions all the time; I think it's actually a good thing if it prevents a child being born into a difficult situation where it won't be properly cared for.

 

If you decide to keep the child, the father needs to meet his legal obligations. I'm sure he would also be a father to the child once he comes to terms with the situation, but you can't expect that he will ever want a relationship with you. Don't have the child assuming that he will come round to the idea of a relationship, because he won't.

 

If you feel so strongly anti-abortion, I suggest that in future you don't have sex with someone unless you're in a serious relationship and he's prepared to stand by you if you get pregnant. I don't know the circumstances surrounding the birth of your first child, but obviously the father didn't stand by you, and ideally you want to avoid ending up in this situation again with another child.

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TheFamilyMan
I love how some men have no trouble sticking their dick in, but think that they should be absolved of all responsibility afterward. You lie down with someone, you are, in fact, accepting consequences of that act, no matter what you might WANT.

 

If you keep the child, make sure he meets his LEGAL OBLIGATIONS since he isn't man enough to meet his moral obligations to the child.

 

^^^this is true, and it's a thing of maturity and values! It's not all men, trust me! It's just the ones that are immature and have bad values!

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Adoption, abortion, or rearing the child solo are all options to be considered. I suggest you get counseling from someone who will help you understand the options, make the choice, and deal with the repercussions.

 

NOT ONE OF THOSE CHOICES IS AN EASY ONE. Adoption, abortion, or rearing the child solo are ALL challenging. Just don't cut off your options until you understand them all thoroughly.

 

Next time.....no more FWB. ONLY committed relationships, such as marriage. That's advisable for everyone, but ESSENTIAL for someone who feels that abortion may not be an option.

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TheLoneSock
I love how some men have no trouble sticking their dick in, but think that they should be absolved of all responsibility afterward. You lie down with someone, you are, in fact, accepting consequences of that act, no matter what you might WANT.

 

If you keep the child, make sure he meets his LEGAL OBLIGATIONS since he isn't man enough to meet his moral obligations to the child.

 

Lol, while I agree that he should be more supportive of the situation - but to his credit he did let her know that he wasn't looking for a relationship, or a child for that matter. Furthermore she was on birth control, an item that I'm certain they discussed before having sex. Accidents happen, but no one should be surprised or disappointed by his behavior. He made his intentions clear from the beginning. Not only that, but he has already said he would be supportive financially - that's more than you can say for a lot of guys out there. I don't think we should be demonizing him.

 

On another note, if he were truly planning against having a child, he would have put a hat on it and pulled out as well, %110 prevention. That is where his gross irresponsibility comes in.

 

Love_is_pain, do what you feel is best. It's your life and your body. I disagree heavily with abortion and would advocate you opt for adoption instead if you feel you cannot survive it (metaphorically speaking), but that is easy for me to say because you are the one who has to deal with that situation; and only you have the right to decide for yourself.

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Eddie Edirol

This is NO kind of situation to bring a baby into the world, just because you cant deal with the thought of an abortion.

 

Whats worse than an abortion, is having a child, and raising it in a broken home, wondering why its father wants nothing to do with him. Plus youre only 24, you will STRUGGLE on a hairdressers salary. if you cant be at work when they want you to because of maternity leave, you can kiss all of your opportunities goodbye.

 

Your FWB doesnt want a relationship with you, he never did, he already told you this long ago, THATS why he refuses to support you here. Youre not going to guilt him into staying with you just because you want a baby. he knows better. On this basic level, having a baby this way is completely wrong for everyone involved.

 

If you really want a new kid, and this will be a serious burden on you, then go ahead, but dont blame the daddy, or the church for your decision. Just admit that you want to fill a void in your life. You should also realize, that if you are trying to fill a void with this baby, it wont last. It will get old real quick. You already been through this with your first child.

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OP. go and chat with a family planning advisor and confide in a friend. You know what the options are, talk them through. Consider all things, especially that this is a sibling for your first child.

 

H'mmm.. You have to be real on what you can manage and look forward also.

 

Read up on abortion very deeply and work out where you stand. Especially the after effects, down the line. Don't do it for anyone else and identify if you are one of those who would not be able to leave it behind. I say this because my sister is still messed up now, like 16 year later. She is always aware that there could have been a third child born that year and when she looks at her niece and nephew from her two siblings, she hurts. Plus she can't have kids now - but I think that is a psychological block, like she is still punishing herself. Nothing is medically wrong with her because of the abortion.

 

I had two children at your age and I have had an amazing life but it was not easy at all. My kids Dad decided to stalk me! So, I did it on my own - didn't even bother with child support. Now I am nearly done at 39 and have the rest of my life to look forward to. Funnily enough he is the one to have got in touch after all these years and I get child support now.

 

Sorry for my ramble. I am just trying to say that you don't know how things will pan out in the future. Dad may come around after the birth, then again he may not. It comes down to (really) if you want this child. If you do, that is the answer - and you will simply have to do whatever you need to do to support this. If you don't, look at all of your options and make a decision.

 

That is the bottom line.

 

Hope you have someone who is a good listener around in real life. Don't keep this to yourself.

 

All the best,

Take care,

Eve x

Edited by Eve
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For what its worth:

Both are equally responsible for the formation of the child.

THe female is 100% responsible for birthing it or not.

He easily can get snipped since he is gong ho against children. Nothing wrong with that to curtail this in the future.

 

No man can be "forced" legally or "morally" to be a DAD. A DAD is a title for those who are there thru many things. The courts thru testing can validate he is the heir and has an obligation to provide financially. He can also sign his rights away if both so agree.

 

To the OP. I can tell you there are many folks willing to raise a child thru adoption. Abortion is an option between you and your beleif system. I for one do not criticize or think less of someone who does such. Its your body. Just take care of yourself thru this no matter what the choice....your body is already going thru changes....

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While I am not going to "talk you into" getting an abortion, I get the sense that you are willing to explore the option but have been taught early on that it's NOT an option no matter what by other forces.

 

As others have said, there are several options you have. Abortion is just one of them, and it is a VALID option. Can you raise a child on your own, even if the father contributes some money? It sounds like he made it clear he didn't want kids and has no intention of being a father-figure, so you will be on your own. Are you financially and emotionally stable enough to raise a second child? Having some help from friends or parents is fine, but you MUST be mature enough to know you should be responsible for your kids and not depend on others constantly. It's part of deciding to bring a child into the world. If you decide you CAN raise two children on your own, then great! You have your answer.

 

If you aren't sure, then explore adoption. There are so many childless couples out there that would love the opportunity to raise a child. If abortion really is off the table for you, this would be an excellent option. I have no doubt that there are plenty of adoption agencies near you who would be willing to sit down and discuss the process and different ways you can go about it. Find one you feel comfortable with, don't feel pressured to sign anything, and all I would add is don't make promises you aren't 100% sure you can keep - there are so many heartbreaking stories of adoptive parents losing their opportunities, even after they start caring for their babies.

 

As for abortion, sometimes it is the best option. Accidents happen, birth control fails, we do our best as people to be responsible and sometimes unexpected pregnancies occur. Is it better to populate the world with half-wanted children, disadvantaged children (because the support system - financially or emotionally - was unavailable) or children who were born simply because a religion told the mother they were a bad person if they didn't go through with it? It is a very difficult decision to make, and a personal one. Know that you may need some counseling should you decide that is your option - you've had an upbringing that counters abortion, and it may take some time to find a peace with it.

 

Good luck to you.

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If he's old enough to stick his dick into a woman and make her pregnant, then he is old enough to face the consequences of that. You really don't see what more he can do than meet his financial obligations???? I am completely shocked that I am reading this in 2011. It is no more her responsibility to raise the child than it is his. He should be a man and face the consequences of his actions. He obviously has no obligation to be in a relationship with her, but he has EVERY OBLIGATION to act as a father for this child.

 

You imply my morality is "Behind the times" yet the solution you propose is a shotgun wedding.

 

To force this man into a relationship with this woman over the conception of a child is a disaster waiting to happen.His life will be over in his mind, the resentment will be legion, the child will be born into a poisonous environment full of resentment, hatred, and disharmony.

 

The man is responsible for the conception of the child and I feel his offer for financial support is actually quite generous considering he is paying for what is nothing more than the OP`s archaic and misguided religious beliefs.

Not to mention hypocritical religious beliefs because if her Catholic dogma was truly so important to her she wouldn`t have been having sex in the first place nor would she be on birth control.

Just a generation or two ago this wouldn`t even be an issue as she would simply be placed in a Magdalene laundry.

 

As a previous poster has pointed out the actual birth of this child is the woman`s and ONLY the woman`s responsibility.

If she chooses to have the child and keep it as hers it`s all on her because as you said this is 2011 and women today cannot hope t be taken seriously when they demand the right to choose with one breath and refuse to take responsibility for those choices with the next.

 

The man has no choice here, ethically that leaves him free of any responsibility her choices bring about.

 

Honestly though the OP here screams of a textbook case of entrapment and I find the boyfriend has done an impeccable job of not allowing such manipulation to work on him.

 

OP, have you told his parents/ do you know them?

LMAO you`ve got to be kidding!!

What does the mans parents have to do with this?

Are you living in 2011 or 1811?

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  • 2 weeks later...
supermom33

I was in your situation once. I got pregnant in a FWB situation when I was 23. I had the same issues and concerns you are having now. I would lie in bed at night rubbing my stomach talking to the baby wondering how I could take care of her when I could barely take care of myself. I had a long commute, lived in an apartment and didn't have any extra funds for daycare plus I didn't qualify for any assistance. I considered adoption because in my heart of hearts I could not live with aborting (even though that's what he wanted). I decided to keep her and it was the best decision of my life. She is about to turn 9 and is the sweetest most loving girl. I raised her alone until she was 4 and I met my husband. He has taken her as his own. Her paternal "father's" family have recently entered her life on a limited basis. My heart just swells when I watch her win an award, perform in a class musical or just play with her younger siblings. Just remember - you have to do what is best for you but your financial situation is a temporary one (as was mine) and the decision you need to make is a permanent one. The first few years of her life were a definite struggle but I would never change a thing. She is my heart and soul.

 

On another note - adoption is a wonderful thing. My brother and his wife adopted a baby boy a year ago in an open adoption. Which means they have contact with the mom within certain guidelines. Monthly letters with pictures, quarterly meetings for the first couple of years, and after a certain point they and the mother decide how frequent the information is shared and if there are any more meetings. The birth mother even helped with naming him.

 

Ultimately the decision is yours to make and I know how hard of a decision it truly is. Good luck to you

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  • 2 weeks later...
ladyinlimbo
I was in your situation once. I got pregnant in a FWB situation when I was 23. I had the same issues and concerns you are having now. I would lie in bed at night rubbing my stomach talking to the baby wondering how I could take care of her when I could barely take care of myself. I had a long commute, lived in an apartment and didn't have any extra funds for daycare plus I didn't qualify for any assistance. I considered adoption because in my heart of hearts I could not live with aborting (even though that's what he wanted). I decided to keep her and it was the best decision of my life. She is about to turn 9 and is the sweetest most loving girl. I raised her alone until she was 4 and I met my husband. He has taken her as his own. Her paternal "father's" family have recently entered her life on a limited basis. My heart just swells when I watch her win an award, perform in a class musical or just play with her younger siblings. Just remember - you have to do what is best for you but your financial situation is a temporary one (as was mine) and the decision you need to make is a permanent one. The first few years of her life were a definite struggle but I would never change a thing. She is my heart and soul.

 

On another note - adoption is a wonderful thing. My brother and his wife adopted a baby boy a year ago in an open adoption. Which means they have contact with the mom within certain guidelines. Monthly letters with pictures, quarterly meetings for the first couple of years, and after a certain point they and the mother decide how frequent the information is shared and if there are any more meetings. The birth mother even helped with naming him.

 

Ultimately the decision is yours to make and I know how hard of a decision it truly is. Good luck to you

 

Beautiful story (not that it's a story but you know what I mean), very inspiring. Thanks so much for sharing. I'm sure it will help many other girls/women reading it.

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