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Dealing with bullies....


frozensprouts

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frozensprouts

My husband and I have three kids- two girls and a boy. They are 12, 11 and 7 . Our son and oldest daughter both place on the autistic spetrum ( our oldest daughter has Aspergers syndrome and our son has autism). The fact that they are different from the "norm" makes them targets for bullies and I am wondering if anyone might have some good advice for this situation.

( we are working with the school and our community policing unit but the bullying is still going on)

.

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If the bullying is happening on school grounds, the administration is liable for any harm that comes to your children.

 

The best way to be proactive against bullying is to start an anti-bullying campaign. The school can be more proactive by having assemblies and promoting more anti-bullying activities where children can interact with each in a more civil manner.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to your children. I used to be bullied when I was little and I can tell you right now kids can crueller than their adult counterparts.

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I also like to add that if your PTA is a community group, get all the parents together to discuss bullying issues and come up with solutions to make the school a safer place. The problem with most bullies is that they have lenient parents who excuse bullying for " kids being kids".

 

You want to promote awareness.

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pureinheart

Hi FS,

 

Wow, I don't even know what to say, and am really sorry that this is happening to your precious kids. Bullying seems to be a rising epidemic and can make one feel VERY insecure and unsafe.

 

I like papercuts post...you wouldn't like my solution. My grandson is being bullied by a kid in our neighborhood, so we are going to have a BBQ, that should take care of it.

 

I have been bullied many times in my life and I do one of two things...remove myself, and if that isn't possible, I get an equaliser. "Telling the teacher" has never worked for me, but it might in your case....hey good luck on this and your babies are definitely in my thoughts for their safety and well-being:)

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my son is almost 9 and is on the autism spectrum as well and he gets bullied as well. The school hasn't done much and most of the bullying he was getting was on the bus. He was just about 2 weeks ago put on the special ed bus cause they don't want to deal with it basically.

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my son is almost 9 and is on the autism spectrum as well and he gets bullied as well. The school hasn't done much and most of the bullying he was getting was on the bus. He was just about 2 weeks ago put on the special ed bus cause they don't want to deal with it basically.

 

 

Did you talk to the school about it? They didn't solve the problem they merely took the easy way out at your son's expense. The only way to conquer bullying is to make it a zero tolerance policy in schools. By not admonishing the kids responsible, the school is telling that it's okay to bully other kids. I suggest you make it an issue and talk to the higher ups. Talk to both the principal and the vice principal and make a point to ensure that they make antibullying a top priority. You, as a parent have a right to speak out for your child, the first step is getting others to listen. The second is action.

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I also suggest you research on some non- profit anti-bullying organizations like http://ellen.warnerbros.com/2010/10/donate_to_the_anti-bullying_organizations_ellen_supports_1005.php. School bullying is synonymous with a crime, especially with various media coverage of teen suicides related with bullying. Trust me, unless you do something, the schools are not going to lift their fingers. The only way to make them give a damn is when they start seeing statistics of suicidal teens on school grounds. Then it would be too late.

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bentnotbroken

At one point a parent could talk with the other parents about bullying. Now it is almost condoned as a phase:sick:. We are losing too many of our children to bullying. If I were in that situation, I probably would go the legal route now. It is too risky to try other avenues now, IMO. I am sorry your children aren't allowed to enjoy their lives without being a target of bullying. :(

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frozensprouts

Thanks so much for all the advice, I really appreciate it.

I feel so bad for my son and daughter, as they both try so hard to socialize, but they just can't seem to get it "right".

 

Some of the bullying does take place at school, and I have been in contact with the school and the schools resource depts. and they do try and help. the schools have "anti-bullying rallies" and have had the local community policing units in to give presentations on bullying to the different classrooms. The sad part is that one of the girls who bullies my oldest daughter used to be her friend, but her dad was killed in Afghanistan and she has become a different person. I hope the school is able to help her, as that would help her and maybe even help stop the bullying.

 

My son gets bullied more so by older kids at the playground nest to our house. He's autistic and a bit small for his age, and the older kids even went so far as to throw rocks at him. Again, we called the parents ( they didn't care), we called the local community policing unit ( the older kids are a few months shy of being old enough to be charged with assault) and the police have increased patrols in the area. We even called our town's mayor and she has started an "anti-bullying' campaign ( it's not just our kids, but many others as well that are actually afraid to use the park when these older kids are there).

 

One thing I was happy to see though was that when the older kids threw the rocks at my son, my oldest daughter went on her facebook account and made a comment about it ( one of the boys involved is in her class and the other goes to her school). When her friends found out what had happened, they got angry at the idea of two older boys picking on a little boy half their age and size, and they all let the two boys know that they would not tolerate that kind of behavior.

 

The bullying has upset my oldest daughter so much that she has become very depressed ( she's 12) and cries a lot and can't sleep. She's very sad and we have her seeing her child psychologist again to make sure things don't escalate into something more.

Our middle daughter tries to stand up for her little brother, but it's hard to do that when the bullies are so much older and bigger than she is.

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Did you talk to the school about it? They didn't solve the problem they merely took the easy way out at your son's expense. The only way to conquer bullying is to make it a zero tolerance policy in schools. By not admonishing the kids responsible, the school is telling that it's okay to bully other kids. I suggest you make it an issue and talk to the higher ups. Talk to both the principal and the vice principal and make a point to ensure that they make antibullying a top priority. You, as a parent have a right to speak out for your child, the first step is getting others to listen. The second is action.

 

Oh yes I talked to the school about it and thats exactly it they took the easy way out with it by putting my son on the special ed bus. I know my son isn't perfect but I don't think he was in the wrong for sticking up for himself when these kids repeatedly picked on him, calling him names and swearing at him..he tells the bus driver and the bus driver didn't do anything about it, he tells the school like I suggested for him to do and they don't do anything but the 1 time he swears back at them and tells them to leave him alone he gets treated like the trouble maker. I let them put him on the special ed bus as my only other options were to continue to let him get picked on and possibly escalate into something more serious or drive my son to school and with a 6 yr old that rides that same bus( reg bus), and a 2yr old at home its not possible for me to do that. They do have him in a class at school to try to teach him socializing skills and what not so that come fall he can ride the reg bus. I told them flat out to just put him in the front seat or two of the reg bus and he would do just fine..they did this last yr at his old school and it made a huge difference.

The principal and I have talked and he said they were going to talk to the other kids and discipline as appropriately as they saw fit.. Next yr I will probably just take him to school and pick him up as both him and my oldest daughter will be at the same school then, and my youngest will be in preschool so it will be easier. Only a few months left of school. He has gotten picked on at school and luckily the teachers at the school know and like my son and they step in and put a stop to it. They have talked to his class a bit about my son and about not bullying anyone and how it makes people feel and what not, and the kids in my son's class do protect him when needed.. My son is very well liked by most of the kids in his grade..sadly its 4th and 5th graders picking on a 3rd grader.

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Thanks so much for all the advice, I really appreciate it.

I feel so bad for my son and daughter, as they both try so hard to socialize, but they just can't seem to get it "right".

 

Some of the bullying does take place at school, and I have been in contact with the school and the schools resource depts. and they do try and help. the schools have "anti-bullying rallies" and have had the local community policing units in to give presentations on bullying to the different classrooms. The sad part is that one of the girls who bullies my oldest daughter used to be her friend, but her dad was killed in Afghanistan and she has become a different person. I hope the school is able to help her, as that would help her and maybe even help stop the bullying.

 

My son gets bullied more so by older kids at the playground nest to our house. He's autistic and a bit small for his age, and the older kids even went so far as to throw rocks at him. Again, we called the parents ( they didn't care), we called the local community policing unit ( the older kids are a few months shy of being old enough to be charged with assault) and the police have increased patrols in the area. We even called our town's mayor and she has started an "anti-bullying' campaign ( it's not just our kids, but many others as well that are actually afraid to use the park when these older kids are there).

 

One thing I was happy to see though was that when the older kids threw the rocks at my son, my oldest daughter went on her facebook account and made a comment about it ( one of the boys involved is in her class and the other goes to her school). When her friends found out what had happened, they got angry at the idea of two older boys picking on a little boy half their age and size, and they all let the two boys know that they would not tolerate that kind of behavior.

 

The bullying has upset my oldest daughter so much that she has become very depressed ( she's 12) and cries a lot and can't sleep. She's very sad and we have her seeing her child psychologist again to make sure things don't escalate into something more.

Our middle daughter tries to stand up for her little brother, but it's hard to do that when the bullies are so much older and bigger than she is.

 

My heart goes out to all of you! My son has had snow and ice thrown at him recently to where he was having to go into lanes of traffic to get away from the kids doing it. Luckily my brother saw this and went to go defend my son. My almost 7yr old tries to stand up for her brother as well but she is 2yrs younger than her brother and a skinny lil thing and can't throw her weight around kids 4-5yrs older than her. I have been trying to raise my kids to not fight back physically and to go to the bus driver, or teacher or counselor or myself obviously but its hard to see your kid coming home upset because they are getting picked on and all they want is to be accepted like everyone else..

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frozensprouts

CMH2002,

I'm so sorry that your son is having to go through all of this crud. He does not deserve it... it really sounds like he is being punished for the bad behavior of the other kids.

I have tried to connect with adults who have autism spectrum disorders to see how they dealt with issues during their 'growing up years"... one thing that seems pretty consistent is that they were very often the victims of bullies and that making new friends was very hard.

 

one thing that we did with our oldest was to set up a facebook account for her- we have the password to her account and the email account we used to set it up.

She "chats" with friends from her class on facebook ( we limit her friend list to people she actually knows and that she wants as friends) ... it's a bit easier for her to start "talking" to new people this way, as it's all typed and she doesn't have to read social ques or facial expressions in the conversation. It gives her a chance to get to know the new friend and for them to know her too.

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CMH2002,

I'm so sorry that your son is having to go through all of this crud. He does not deserve it... it really sounds like he is being punished for the bad behavior of the other kids.

I have tried to connect with adults who have autism spectrum disorders to see how they dealt with issues during their 'growing up years"... one thing that seems pretty consistent is that they were very often the victims of bullies and that making new friends was very hard.

 

one thing that we did with our oldest was to set up a facebook account for her- we have the password to her account and the email account we used to set it up.

She "chats" with friends from her class on facebook ( we limit her friend list to people she actually knows and that she wants as friends) ... it's a bit easier for her to start "talking" to new people this way, as it's all typed and she doesn't have to read social ques or facial expressions in the conversation. It gives her a chance to get to know the new friend and for them to know her too.

 

 

I wish my son was interested in computer things. He doesn't care to be on the computer. I wish I knew more kids around out area that are like my son so he can be around people like him. He tries so hard to fit it. My son has an Autism spectrum disorder, ODD, ADHD, and a sensory disorder tho by looking at him hes a pretty normal kid but spend more than 5-10mins trying to talk to him and you notice the difference right away tho hes the sweetest kid and his teachers adore him.

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Thanks so much for all the advice, I really appreciate it.

I feel so bad for my son and daughter, as they both try so hard to socialize, but they just can't seem to get it "right".

 

Some of the bullying does take place at school, and I have been in contact with the school and the schools resource depts. and they do try and help. the schools have "anti-bullying rallies" and have had the local community policing units in to give presentations on bullying to the different classrooms. The sad part is that one of the girls who bullies my oldest daughter used to be her friend, but her dad was killed in Afghanistan and she has become a different person. I hope the school is able to help her, as that would help her and maybe even help stop the bullying.

 

My son gets bullied more so by older kids at the playground nest to our house. He's autistic and a bit small for his age, and the older kids even went so far as to throw rocks at him. Again, we called the parents ( they didn't care), we called the local community policing unit ( the older kids are a few months shy of being old enough to be charged with assault) and the police have increased patrols in the area. We even called our town's mayor and she has started an "anti-bullying' campaign ( it's not just our kids, but many others as well that are actually afraid to use the park when these older kids are there).

 

One thing I was happy to see though was that when the older kids threw the rocks at my son, my oldest daughter went on her facebook account and made a comment about it ( one of the boys involved is in her class and the other goes to her school). When her friends found out what had happened, they got angry at the idea of two older boys picking on a little boy half their age and size, and they all let the two boys know that they would not tolerate that kind of behavior.

 

The bullying has upset my oldest daughter so much that she has become very depressed ( she's 12) and cries a lot and can't sleep. She's very sad and we have her seeing her child psychologist again to make sure things don't escalate into something more.

Our middle daughter tries to stand up for her little brother, but it's hard to do that when the bullies are so much older and bigger than she is.

 

Frozen, I'm so sorry to hear that your son went through so much. I'm saddened to hear kids have become crueler over the years. I remember when I was a kid, I used to be bullied for being overweight and it left me somewhat traumatized about opening myself up. I'm glad, however, to hear you're such a devoting parent, to involve yourself so much in his life. I think this is what most parents fill to understand. It's not about giving children too much freedom to do what they want, it's about giving children their freedom to make more conscientious and right choices.

 

If anything, I hope you talk more to your son about bullying and hope that he speaks up when someone starts acting mean towards him. Sometimes kids can feel ashamed and embarrassed about getting bullied they'll close themselves off from help.

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My heart goes out to all of you! My son has had snow and ice thrown at him recently to where he was having to go into lanes of traffic to get away from the kids doing it. Luckily my brother saw this and went to go defend my son. My almost 7yr old tries to stand up for her brother as well but she is 2yrs younger than her brother and a skinny lil thing and can't throw her weight around kids 4-5yrs older than her. I have been trying to raise my kids to not fight back physically and to go to the bus driver, or teacher or counselor or myself obviously but its hard to see your kid coming home upset because they are getting picked on and all they want is to be accepted like everyone else..

 

You know what you can do? Put your kids in self-defense classes. Even if you're opposed to " fighting" I think beginner karate/ tae kwon do classes are great for chilren learn discipline and self control. Also it gives your children a chance to take up a hobby and make new friends in class.

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pureinheart
Thanks so much for all the advice, I really appreciate it.

I feel so bad for my son and daughter, as they both try so hard to socialize, but they just can't seem to get it "right".

 

Some of the bullying does take place at school, and I have been in contact with the school and the schools resource depts. and they do try and help. the schools have "anti-bullying rallies" and have had the local community policing units in to give presentations on bullying to the different classrooms. The sad part is that one of the girls who bullies my oldest daughter used to be her friend, but her dad was killed in Afghanistan and she has become a different person. I hope the school is able to help her, as that would help her and maybe even help stop the bullying.

 

My son gets bullied more so by older kids at the playground nest to our house. He's autistic and a bit small for his age, and the older kids even went so far as to throw rocks at him. Again, we called the parents ( they didn't care), we called the local community policing unit ( the older kids are a few months shy of being old enough to be charged with assault) and the police have increased patrols in the area. We even called our town's mayor and she has started an "anti-bullying' campaign ( it's not just our kids, but many others as well that are actually afraid to use the park when these older kids are there).

 

One thing I was happy to see though was that when the older kids threw the rocks at my son, my oldest daughter went on her facebook account and made a comment about it ( one of the boys involved is in her class and the other goes to her school). When her friends found out what had happened, they got angry at the idea of two older boys picking on a little boy half their age and size, and they all let the two boys know that they would not tolerate that kind of behavior.

 

The bullying has upset my oldest daughter so much that she has become very depressed ( she's 12) and cries a lot and can't sleep. She's very sad and we have her seeing her child psychologist again to make sure things don't escalate into something more.

Our middle daughter tries to stand up for her little brother, but it's hard to do that when the bullies are so much older and bigger than she is.

 

My oldest son and grandson are/were big for their age. I was always in the principles office concerning my son for fighting, and when I'd get him alone I'd ask him what the deal was and each time he'd tell me that a kid (bully) was picking on a smaller kid, and he would step in and the bully would want to fight...well my son was always up for the challenge.

 

The school didn't condone fighting and took care of bullying situations (which at that time it wasn't as bad as it is now), although let's just say when I would get called in, it was more or less going through the motions of disipline because there were times the school couldn't prove bullying so they were very lax on my son and I was too.

 

My grandson is a little hulk and very strong so it doesn't even get to the point of fighting, but he tells us what happens at school and he does take care of the bullies by way of peer pressure...smart kid...

 

I so wish you were in my area, I would help you and I'm not kidding...I hate bullying and I am so sorry for your entire family...I tell you, I'd love to take those bullies to a really hard core neighborhood and drop them off for a day...that would take care of it.

 

My heart goes out to you....bullying in essense is about control...

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pureinheart
You know what you can do? Put your kids in self-defense classes. Even if you're opposed to " fighting" I think beginner karate/ tae kwon do classes are great for chilren learn discipline and self control. Also it gives your children a chance to take up a hobby and make new friends in class.

 

Yep...this would about take care of it..unfortunately sometimes it takes this type of action to gain desired results...

 

In this world today, defending yourself is a necessary thing...physically and mentally..also it will give your kids confidence that has been lost by way of a couple of brats!

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frozensprouts
I wish my son was interested in computer things. He doesn't care to be on the computer. I wish I knew more kids around out area that are like my son so he can be around people like him. He tries so hard to fit it. My son has an Autism spectrum disorder, ODD, ADHD, and a sensory disorder tho by looking at him hes a pretty normal kid but spend more than 5-10mins trying to talk to him and you notice the difference right away tho hes the sweetest kid and his teachers adore him.

 

I can relate. My son ( and daughter) both seem "normal" until you talk with them for a few minutes. Their speech patterns, lack of eye contact, etc. gives a clue something is going on.

 

From what i understand, a lot of kids with autism ( especially boys) will also display symptoms of ADD and other neural disorders.

 

It's too bad there are no other kids in the area who your son can play with. Are there other parents in the area that you can network and find support with? If there is a autism resource center in your area they will be able to provide you with a lot of support and assistance.

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I can relate. My son ( and daughter) both seem "normal" until you talk with them for a few minutes. Their speech patterns, lack of eye contact, etc. gives a clue something is going on.

 

From what i understand, a lot of kids with autism ( especially boys) will also display symptoms of ADD and other neural disorders.

 

It's too bad there are no other kids in the area who your son can play with. Are there other parents in the area that you can network and find support with? If there is a autism resource center in your area they will be able to provide you with a lot of support and assistance.

 

I wish there was but I don't think there is. When I asked the school they didn't know of any. My son has all the symptoms you have stated above. my youngest has some of the same which slightly worries me but she doesn't seem to have the same things as my son. tho she will be 3 end of April and does have an IEP for lack of speech, and social and developmental skills lack. She doesn't like to play with kids her own age or make eye contact with others.. I was worried about it but I am thinking in her case its just cause she is the youngest and hasn't been around kids her age much until recently when she started a preschool class with kids her age 1 time a week. I think the nearest support group would be an hr or more away. Right now we just try to surround the kids with lots of love and support and let them know nothing is wrong with how they are and we love them the way they are.

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LeaningIntoTheMuse

I was also bullied from 6th grade (12 years old) through junior year of H.S. (17 years old.)

 

I was actually a very confident and outgoing kid, but after being bullied, I've become more "closed" and introverted, even to this day. I still fear people, because I was so traumatized by some of the things that my bullies would say, or that they would do.

 

I can say this: speaking as someone who has a parent who worked for the schools I went to, the principals and administration don't give a damn. My mom faced the same issue of frustration you're feeling, and you know what she was told? "Let them work it out for themselves." Yeah, that really worked great...at 28, I have social anxiety, body dysmorphic disorder, and low self esteem. Worked out great, Mr. Principal. /end sarcasm

 

I think that we, as adults, tend to forget how mean and cruel some kids can be. They can be little monsters, not sweet at all but backstabbing and devious little monsters. And they're most cruel to the kids that "don't fit in", for whatever reason.

 

I was teased for liking different music, for wearing glasses, for being skinny and short. It only stopped after I clocked one of my bullies in the face (and gave him a black eye.) That earned me lots of respect, but that was mostly a defensive mechanism, because he was dissing my mother. That's an example of the kind of things that kids in junior high and H.S. have to put up with.

 

I have no words of advice, except to say that I've been there.

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