Jump to content

My toddler has taken over my household


locamia

Recommended Posts

I am at my wits end with my little girl. She is one of 3 kids, she has a twin sister, they will be 4 soon, and an 8 year old brother. My son recently started some bad behavior, talking back and some attitude but he is a very sweet sensitive boy and usually well behaved. My other daughter is an absolute angel, great personality, rarely have to tell her things twice.

 

The one I'm having problems with has always been the 'difficult child' but it has been wearing on me to the point now where I have no patience for her. When she is having one of her moments I have recently even started spanking her (not hard enough to hurt her), being forceful with her (eg. when she won't stay in the corner and I forcefully put her back in it), and a lot of yelling to the point where I am in her face or saying things I shouldn't say, like that I dont like her and dont want to be around her when she acts like this. I just dont know what else to do to get her to listen. Two nights ago at bedtime, which is when I have the hardest time with her, I got to the point where after yelling and she still wasnt listening I got so frustrated I just broke into tears, in front of her and her sister. Now on top or being fed up with her I have the added guilt of my behavior because i know I am not handling it well and I know it is affecting her I just dont know how to handle it. I am trying to tell myself to stay calm but its been building up so long with her I just feel like I am losing control and I have very little restraint anymore.

 

My main issue with her is it just seems like she cries all day long sometimes. She doesnt listen and do what I tell her to do even when I am firm. Nothing is easy with her. It takes an hr or more to get out of the house because instead of putting on the clothes I hand her she wants something different. She wants a snack 1st. She wants more juice. Just constantly playing games with me. Bedtime same thing, anything she can ask me for to sidetrack me or delay getting ready for bed. Tonight she yelled out of the playroom for juice and I asked her to come get it because I was cooking. She wouldnt and kept crying for it. Eventually her brother, tired or hearing her, brought it into her and she threw it out the door "No Mommy do it!" I refused to pick it up and give it to her so instead of eating dinner with us she sat in the playroom crying for her juice while we ate!! For almost an hour! What the hell could I have done in this situation!? And she pulls this all the time. She also wont let my husband do ANYTHING. All day long its "No Mommy do it." Because of all this my family life is suffering as well. My husband and I have a great relationship but when we are both frustrated with her we snap at eachother sometimes. I can just feel the family dynamic changing. And my 2 kids that are good are not getting enough attention or praise because she takes up so much of my time and energy, not to mention having to hear mommy yelling throughout the day. I am so lost. Any advice will be so greatly appreciated. How do I get this child to stop playing these games with me, listen to me, stop crying, etc. Please help

Link to post
Share on other sites

If this were my own situation, this is how I would handle it...

 

When acting out, I would tell Difficult Child that I don't like her behavior and she needs to stop immediately and use nice words to tell me what the problem is or she will lose [favorite toy]. If she does not stop immediately and make the effort to talk, I would take [favorite toy] away. She would likely be startled or her behavior would amp up the DEFCON 4. I would tell her I am very serious about her using nice words to talk to me, and next time she would lose [second favorite toy]. If she doesn't start behaving, I go get [second favorite toy] as well.

 

In my daughter's earlier years, it got to the point where I took all of her toys out of her bed only twice (I didn't take them one and a time after a while, I took a few, then took the rest). She learned very quickly to calm down and using nicer words instead of screaming and throwing a tantrum.

 

If she needs to scream it out, she should be told to go to her room (minus the toys she likes) and told that the rest of the family does not need to listen to her. When she decides to behave like the member of the family she is, she can re-join you.

 

The point is consistent consequences of her actions. Don't sit there and threaten to take the toy away 8 or 9 times, JUST DO IT. NO DISCUSSION. She will likely freak out, but don't give it back to her. She shouldn't get toys back until at least the next day, with the reminder that future behavior will dictate if or when she gets her toys back.

 

After she's had a freak-out and is calmer, ask her if freaking out got her what she wanted. Ask her if screaming got you to give her what she was looking for, or if it just got her in trouble. Ask her if she thinks that behaving badly should be rewarded. Try and get her to talk to you in a normal voice about what's bothering her, or why she thinks that she should act that way. Perhaps after a few times she will start to learn better ways of communicating.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you checked out http://www.supernanny.com? She has a lot of great ideas of dealing with toddlers.

 

I am sorry things are so yucky right now. Before you know it, she will be graduating high school and this will be a memory.

 

Continue to have rules; enforce them and let ALL the kids know who the boss is. Too many times nowadays, parents are too busy trying to be buddies with their kids instead of their parents.

 

(hug)

Link to post
Share on other sites

When she is having one of her moments I have recently even started spanking her (not hard enough to hurt her)

This is generally more likely to make her act up than behave. I don't think spanking is morally wrong or anything, it just isn't very effective. Plus, if she's a twin I think should could end up feeling like the least loved on if she is the only one of the two getting that punishment. Even if her twin isn't acting up as much, she very well might feel singled out- kids aren't that rational.

 

Nothing is easy with her. It takes an hr or more to get out of the house because instead of putting on the clothes I hand her she wants something different. She wants a snack 1st. She wants more juice. Just constantly playing games with me. Bedtime same thing, anything she can ask me for to sidetrack me or delay getting ready for bed. Tonight she yelled out of the playroom for juice and I asked her to come get it because I was cooking. She wouldnt and kept crying for it. Eventually her brother, tired or hearing her, brought it into her and she threw it out the door "No Mommy do it!" I refused to pick it up and give it to her so instead of eating dinner with us she sat in the playroom crying for her juice while we ate!! For almost an hour! What the hell could I have done in this situation!? And she pulls this all the time. She also wont let my husband do ANYTHING. All day long its "No Mommy do it."

I get how this would drive you insane, but it makes me wonder if she needs more attention that she is getting. Some kids just need more attention that others.

 

Could you maybe include both twins in deciding what they want to wear for the day? You don't have to leave it totally open, but you could say something like "Today it is cold out, so we are going to wear a sweater and pants. Which sweater do you want to wear difficult child? And twin which sweater do you want wear?" It might head off some of the fits if she felt more involved with you.

 

Crying for an hour sounds horrible to listen to, but sometimes with a 4 year old I think you need to let them have their fit and get over it. Having a fit in another room alone is almost self-punishment. But for something like refusing to leave the house, taking away a toy for a day is a good strategy.

 

And if bedtime is always the battleground for you, maybe your husband could take that over completely. I'm sure it will be a nightmare at first, but if you stick to just him putting them to bed, she will adapt and it will take some of the pressure off you.

 

Full disclosure: Not a mom, but an ex-nanny.

Link to post
Share on other sites
If this were my own situation, this is how I would handle it...

 

When acting out, I would tell Difficult Child that I don't like her behavior and she needs to stop immediately and use nice words to tell me what the problem is or she will lose [favorite toy]. If she does not stop immediately and make the effort to talk, I would take [favorite toy] away. She would likely be startled or her behavior would amp up the DEFCON 4. I would tell her I am very serious about her using nice words to talk to me, and next time she would lose [second favorite toy]. If she doesn't start behaving, I go get [second favorite toy] as well.

 

I do this with my 3 year old (almost 4) daughter it works wonderfully.

 

My mother did this to me as well, but I gotta say to this day I have bad dreams about fighting with my mom and then my room being entirely empty:laugh:

 

About the spanking, sometimes I get to that point as well it doesn't happen often and I am often confused on if its right or wrong but I do know this, when my child is taking fits and corner time outs and toy taking away isn't working and I just can't find a way when I say "Do you need a spanking?" she pretty quickly smartens up, or is at least back on vocal communicating terms with me. (They are not hard ones)

 

Another thing I have found that works is I feel that sometimes when a child gets into a fit time passes and they'll completely forgot what they were crying about and be stuck in this 'everything upsets me now' moments and with my daughter I find that stopping, taking a moment and hugging her, for a min or two calms her down to the point of working it out sometimes she just needs a hug I guess, and I find that after that she's willing to do what I ask.

 

I just feel like I am losing control and I have very little restraint anymore.

 

I am a single mom with 1 daughter I often feel like this after a certain amount of time when I haven't had a break, I drop everything and forget about being a good mom for a min and when I have this strong feeling I just put her in her room let her cry and I put myself in another room and totally ignore the fuss! and I find after time she wonders what happened to me, stop crying and look for me, ask what I am doing because shes lost 100% of my attention.

 

I often makes deals with my daughter, like if you clean all these toys you can have pudding after supper, or I make it into a game "Do you wanna be mommy's special helper? this is what you gotta do..."

 

I don't know your daughter or her personality obviously different things work for different kids but maybe something I said will help or maybe non of it. Goodluck!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Some really great ideas so far in this thread, and I'll add what has worked for us as well.

 

We have three children (two teens and a preteen), and boy, it's so true how each one is so unique. You just get used to one, and then BAM, you're thrown a curve ball.

 

The oldest girl, even as a teen, is very compliant and easy-going. She's quick to admit her mistakes and correct them... a parent's dream. The second one (son) was always a really happy boy, but could also turn on a dime. Overall, also very compliant and a joy to have around as he's a big cut-up.

 

Then there's the youngest. (Cue dramatic music)

 

She was an easy baby, but when she realized she had a will of her own, by golly she started working it like there was no tomorrow. Getting dressed in the morning was a nightmare until I learned to offer her only two choices of outfits. Naturally, she would turn her nose up at both just to be difficult, and there was a stand-off the first several tries. I also learned to get her up earlier to anticipate such, so I would be less likely to get angry over the lack of time. She was not allowed to move from her bed until she made a choice and willingly dressed herself. I rewarded her with hugs and verbally expressing my love for her. Now, she's self-sufficient in choosing her clothes for school, and is rewarded by being allowed to watch PBS while eating breakfast. There are times when she sets her alarm earlier so that she can have more time to read or watch her show.

 

As for bedtimes, we always employed a routine which started an hour before bed. The same routine with the youngest was crucial as she obviously needed more structure. First, bath or shower, and then reading time. It has also afforded us a quiet opportunity to talk about the day or whatever is on her mind. All three of our kids know that they have to be in bed by 8, but that it's "lights out by 9." So, they read on their own and just wind down.

 

When the youngest ever gets the urge to throw a tantrum, I give her the option of going upstairs to scream into a pillow, but blatant disrespect will not be tolerated and consistent measures are carried out. The loss of toys (that must be earned back), as well as privileges, things she/they care about is the most affective.

 

And last, but not least, apologize to your kids when you know you've lost control or handled things badly. Just because you're the parent doesn't mean you are above admitting your mistakes to your children, and they will not only respect you more, but model the same humility to others.

 

Good luck. I know how hard this is, and it seems like it will never end, but hard work and consistency will really pay off when they hit their teen years. ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have a newly turned 3 year old daughter. The threes can be tough. My first inclination is to say that she is acting out moreso for 2 reasons- she needs more attention, and she's testing boundaries. Both are natural. Being consistent with schedule, rules and consequences will resolve most of the boundary testing. And the old saying "kill them with kindness"? Works with kids, too. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...
AlektraClementine

Really great replies so far!

 

Mine are 8 and 10. I won't brag too much ;) but I am consistently complimented by parents of other children on my kids' behavior. My son is invited repeatedly to one particular house because mom hopes that his behavior will rub off on her child.

 

I grew up in a house with absolutely no consequences. Neither me, nor my siblings finished school (we weren't expected to) and one of my brothers is a total delinquent. I think this was the basis for many of my parental choices.

 

All I can tell you is that it is absolutely, 100%, about consistency. If you threaten a punishment, you must follow through. whatever that punishment is. In my experience, spankings don't work. There's no connection between the behavior and the consequence when you spank. Challenge yourself to find punishments that connect to the bad behavior. I'll give you an example. My son had a real issue in kindergarten with talking out of turn. He continuiously interrupted the class without raising his hand. When we were finally fed up with the notes home from the teacher, we decided to make him raise his hand to speak for an entire weekend. VERY tough on us. Friday was awful, Saturday was even worse. By Monday (when the punishment was over), a habit was formed and we never got another note.

 

I also agree with another poster who mentioned apologizing to your children when you have lost your temper. If one of my children drives me to Batshi*tville and I'm driven to screaming, I always make a point to speak to him or her about it. I own my own behavior. I explain to them that it is not their fault that mom lost her temper. They are not responsible for my losing control. I absolutely uphold whatever punishment was handed out and make sure they know that they are not absolved because I feel guilty for losing it though. That was another issue with my own mom. She screamed and screamed and felt guilty later, which meant we were off the hook.

 

Just realize that parenting is tough business. We've all been there before. Just acknowledging this pattern in your life right now shows you care and are obviously a loving and concerned mom. Be consistent with her and ignore the tantrums. Show more attention to the mindful twin when she's acting out. Show her that her fits garner LESS attention than good behavior.

 

Good Luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...

Our situation is similar. I have twin sisters, 15 years younger than I am, and they are exact opposites in temperament.

 

One is very motherly, concerned for other children (there are six of us in all, I'm the oldest, lol, fun fun). Anyway, she's an obliging child, eager to please, easy to get along with.

 

The other sister has been labeled as "oppositional defiant". Everything is a control issue with her. I know some people don't agree with the traditional hierarchy of families, ie parents and older siblings having authority over children and younger siblings, but I believe it's a healthy authoritative structure in families that teaches children to be respectful and responsible members of society. It's what is implemented in our family, anyway, with great results so far. :D This particular sister believes herself to be on the same authoritative level as adults, and acts out accordingly, demanding service, talking back, disobeying, etc.

 

What we've found works best is clearly setting boundaries of "adult appropriate" and "child appropriate". For instance, an adult may discipline a child, but a child may not discipline a child or an adult. An adult may touch items in a retail establishment, but a child may not. I think you get the picture. These boundaries are firmly established, and when crossed, appropriate disciplinary action is administered IMMEDIATELY and CONSISTENTLY. Now, I don't know if your kid is the same way, but it sounds kind of like my sister's behavior, and you have to establish that this behavior is completely unacceptable. You are the parent. She is the child. End of story.

 

Kids like this NEED their parents to be in control. Their constant testing of boundaries is like a homeowner checking to make sure the front door is locked before they go to bed at night--they have to confirm to themselves that you are in control and that they are safe (maybe from themselves). This is my opinion anyway, and I think calm, consistent parenting is the best gift you can offer to your child. And as other posters have mentioned, if you make a mistake and lose your cool (which is all too easy with children like this), apologize to your child for the WAY you handled the situation without letting them off the hook for the appropriate discipline deserved for their actions. Best of luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

I had exactly the same sorts of issues with my daughter at the same age. What a nightmare! Recently, I read an animal training book (yes, I did say that) and I wish I'd read this years earlier. Some of the ideas I mention may sound bizarre or cruel, but if you read further, you'll see that they are not.

 

Basically, one of the tips in the the book is asserting you are the leader of the pack by little gestures, such as eating before the rest of the pack. This sounds horrendous to us modern parents who are taught we must be perfect and attend to our child's needs on demand. This eating only needs to be a token thing, like a cracker, but by eating it calmly where they can see, before feeding them, it reinforces the idea you are the leader of the pack. Part of the problem with troublesome pets is that they think they are the leader and therefore are *responsible* for looking after the pack. This is an enormous responsibility for a small child/pet so it's no wonder they get very angry and manipulative if you are not letting them fulfil their role. Panic sets in as they fear losing control of those most important to them and being in an insecure environment. Reinforcing your status means they can relax, believe it or not. They can wind down, knowing someone stronger is in charge of the household. The idea is that they will no longer feel the need to control everything around them.

 

There is more which is just as important. Ignore bad behaviour and calmly. The calmly is incredibly hard, I know, when you are feeling shaken and shattered, but talk quietly and slowly and make your point. If the child is behaving badly, snatching toys, etc., take the toy calmly, put it away out of reach and sight and say 'I'm not going to talk to you while you are snatching toys. When you can be nice, come and talk to me'. Then make sure you ignore them as best you can until they are nice.

 

Also, the other useful thing I got from the book was rewarding good behaviour, even small things. I've heard of this before in books on behavioural management of children, but what struck me from this book was the immediate, small reward. Give the child a little treat, then next time they do something nicely and in a well-behaved manner, praise and give another little token. It doesn't have to be food, though that helps, just something small special to the child - could be 10 minutes crayoning with them. Give small, immediate rewards on most occasions, *but not all*, as the child improves, allow the rewards to be more sporadic, gradually reduce them but keep up the praise. Hopefully by this time the habit of behaving nicely will be second nature so only praise should be needed.

 

I've been through hell with my daughter and presumably she found it horribly confusing too. I wish I'd known this stuff earlier. I have tried these techniques recently on a teenager who was challenging me a lot and they worked. It's hard to ignore bad behaviour, especially as the child will try to make you notice them all the more, but as long as you remove any children or items that they could damage in their endeavour to get you to pay attention to them via their bad behaviour, this should subside. As soon as they realise they get positive reinforcement when behaving well, things should change.

 

I notice someone mentioned that the child may just need more of your attention. This is possible, I suppose, but I have to say that my child had loads of attention and lots of it was good attention. If anything, she had too much, she had me on a string. What I realise now is that she needed reassuring that she wasn't in charge of me so she could relax and be a child.

 

If these techniques don't work after you've given it a few weeks, then it would be worth talking to a specialist as there may be some oppositional disorder involved (there was with my daughter) that is making all this extra difficult. Best of luck and do something nice for yourself each day, treat yourself. You need it!

Edited by spiderowl
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...