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Taught him better than that.


sugarmomma

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My son is 18 and since he was old enough to talk I have been explaining that he should get a career, then a wife, then have children. Well, today he tells me that the gf is pregnant. I completely lost it. I have no acceptance since he is in no position to be a parent. I explained to him that I will not be financially supportive since he knew better and made the choice to not use protection.

 

I took him to the doctor a couple weeks ago and stood outside the door when I heard the doc asking him if he was sexually active and using protection. He said all the right answers so I'm thinking 'he's being responsible". Uh no.

 

I'm not feeling this at all.

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Oh SM, I can understand why you are so mad.

 

My pick is that your son is sh*tting himself right now.

 

They are 18- they have no clues about what is going to hit them if they become new parents.

 

That said, how will you feel if the GF goes ahead with the pregnancy and you end up being a grandmother?

 

If they have the baby, that baby will benefit from having as many loving supportive adults in its life as possible, and you should be one of those people. There are other ways to support a family- money isn't everything.

 

Your son messed up- and he may pay for this mistake for a looong time.

 

Eventually he is going to need your love and support, even if you don't agree with his actions. Isn't that part of being a mum?

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My son is 18 and since he was old enough to talk I have been explaining that he should get a career, then a wife, then have children. Well, today he tells me that the gf is pregnant. I completely lost it. I have no acceptance since he is in no position to be a parent. I explained to him that I will not be financially supportive since he knew better and made the choice to not use protection.

 

I took him to the doctor a couple weeks ago and stood outside the door when I heard the doc asking him if he was sexually active and using protection. He said all the right answers so I'm thinking 'he's being responsible". Uh no.

 

I'm not feeling this at all.

 

Of course you're not feeling this! You have been warning him about this for a long time and now look! :mad:

 

My youngest brother knocked up this welfare bitch while he was in college-and living at home! She has a child from another relationship and she saw that my bro was good with her-so the lowlife trapped my brother with a pregnancy. This girl took advantage of how naive my brother was-I know she told him that she was on the Pill, so that he would stupidly trust her and not use condoms. This is exactly what my parents warned him about and there you have it.

 

These kids always think that they're invincible. I guess your son thought he could get away with not using protection.

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Taught him better than that.

 

Nope, you didn't.

 

You tried to.

Just like we do with all our kids.

 

We try to instil certain values into them, but sometimes, the urgency and thrill of youth just crap it up, and nothing sticks.

 

well it's done now.

 

it depends how they decide to handle this, but if he was 'man' enough to have sex with his GF and produce a baby, he's man enough to face his responsibilities.

He is going to have to do some growing up real fast though.

 

And I agree with sb, though.

Support need not mean financial, but a familial support network is important.

if she keeps this baby - that's it.

Like it or not, you are a grandma.

 

Your son has helped produce the newest member of the next generation, and as such, this may well be something positive.

 

IF she keeps it.

 

Have they discussed that bit yet?

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Of course you're not feeling this! You have been warning him about this for a long time and now look! :mad:

 

.....I guess your son thought he could get away with not using protection.

 

 

Hmmm.....

 

For all we know, this girl is a sweet thing, and they might hitherto have had a very healthy and stable relationship.

if your bro was dumb enough to not see the signals, or heed the warnings - then really, doesn't that make him the bigger idiot?

 

Unfair implied criticism.

 

Just what the OP needed.

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Hmmm.....

 

Bit harsh.... your bro might have had his sperm hijacked by some 'welfare bitch', but that doesn't make all pregnant young girls the same - or young guys either....

 

For all we know, this girl is a sweet thing, and they might hitherto have had a very healthy and stable relationship.

if your bro was dumb enough to not see the signals, or heed the warnings - then really, doesn't that make him the bigger idiot?

 

Unfair implied criticism.

 

Just what the OP needed.

Really, BlackLovely, I thought you a better-minded individual that this.....

 

 

I do not "imply criticism". No beating around the bush here. If I want to criticize, I just do it. :)

 

The relationship cannot be "healthy" or "stable" if the young people are assuming responsibilities that are clearly beyond them.

 

Not all pregnant young women are the same, but I have seen many that use pregnancy, as a way to trap and manipulate reluctant young men.

 

Where do you get off calling my brother "dumb" and an "idiot"?! :mad:

Since he is my family, there are things that I am at liberty to say that an outsider better not dare. You're calling me harsh, yet you are calling a stranger's brother names?? :laugh: Get a life, loser.

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That's precisely why I did it.

 

You have the temerity to make judgements about other, young, inexperienced and unknown people - her son, to boot - yet you cannot abide criticism of a person whom you yourself have held up as an example of gross irresponsibility.

If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

If you fling it, be prepared to get it back.

 

Me? Loser?

Er...I don't think so....

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That's precisely why I did it.

 

You have the temerity to make judgements about other, young, inexperienced and unknown people - her son, to boot - yet you cannot abide criticism of a person whom you yourself have held up as an example of gross irresponsibility.

If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

If you fling it, be prepared to get it back.

 

Me? Loser?

Er...I don't think so....

 

I'm not the one with a dumbass brother stuck with a baby from a "bitch" who's forced him into a position he should never have gotten into, in spite of also being warned about it....

 

Auntie. ;)

 

I don't remember "flinging" anything. I was trying to sympathize with the OP. Sorry that you are too stupid to see that. :rolleyes:

 

I am a proud auntie, no matter how the children came about.

 

You insulted my brother, because you are an immature and petty human being. If the OP wasn't angry with me, why are you??? :rolleyes: Because you have nothing better to do with your time. How sad-your life is so empty, that your only enjoyment comes from insipid disagreements on a community board. :laugh: You need more shock treatments.

 

My opinion still stands. This auntie is not afraid of some unknown cretin.

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I talked to him last night and most of the initial shock has worn off. He said that she is going to keep it. I asked him what he was going to do to support it and he says that he's going to get a job. I explained that he doesn't even have a high school diploma yet. He will stay in school and hopefully go to college afterwards as planned.

 

TM you're right I did teach him but he didn't listen. He knows about condoms and said that he didn't think she would get pregnancy so soon. Uh, duh!

 

I do feel like I didn't say or do enough to keep our communication open about it. Like talking to her parents about whether she was on the pill or something. I feel so ashamed since I had such high hopes for him. He won't get to be a young adult free of major responsibilities.

 

He has been with her for almost 2 years and I figured they must be being responsible she hasn't gotten pregnant all this time. But he claims they have only been having sex for less than 6 months. Mind you I bought him a car to commute to school in Feb. I think that's when it started.

 

I will do what I can but I will not take his responsibility from him. I told him I don't even want that girl at my house. I am so angry at the both of them.

 

I think I'm more angry at myself.

 

Thanks a bunch you guys.

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.... I told him I don't even want that girl at my house. I am so angry at the both of them.

I can perfectly understand this, but I'm hoping - or even hopefully predicting - that this sentiment will wear off.

It's a harsh reality when our own kids give us a wake-up call and show us nothing's perfect. But she's carrying your son's child. it's your grandchild.

 

Might it be more constructive for you to eventually get in touch with her parents and discuss the whole sad scenario with them?

Remember, they are in the same boat - but this is all developing (quite literally) under their roof.

They have a constant and ever-increasing visual reminder that this is a happening thing...

 

It seems bad right now, and this is no guarantee the two will stay together in the long run. But they're in it now, and if she is going to keep it - there's no going back.

Channel that indignation and disappointment, and once the dust has settled, contact her parents and meet to discuss events.

 

you never know. They might take that initiative and get in touch with you.

Above all, avoid the blame game. it's done, it takes 2 to tango, and worse things have happened.

Honestly, they have.

Contact her parents and at least build a bridge....

 

I think I'm more angry at myself.

There's no call for that - and what good does it do, really?

You're understandably angry at something, but don't shoulder stuff you have no business shouldering.

These kids are going to need a sound support system, even if they do go it alone. And her mom and dad may find themselves becoming unwitting and unwilling child-minders....

 

Make sure you get to see your grandchild as much as they do.

 

Good luck.

Keep us posted.

:)

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TM her parents speak no english. They are from Mexico and the daughter and sisters are the only ones who speak any english. The language/culture (we are african american) barrier is gonna be tough but I will make an effort as soon as my disappointment wears off.

 

I do feel sorry for her parents since they have to deal with the day to day of this whole situation.

 

You're right that things could be worse. At least I'm not pregant :)

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TM her parents speak no english. They are from Mexico and the daughter and sisters are the only ones who speak any english. The language/culture (we are african american) barrier is gonna be tough but I will make an effort as soon as my disappointment wears off.

 

let's look at this constructively....

This could be your opportunity to extend a hand of friendship.

 

Let's see... (I'm completely guessing here) but they are immigrants, and probably feel a bit hurt and confused that having brought their children to the USA for a better life - one of them has fallen foul and gone and messed it all up....

Obviously, I have no way of knowing whether they "work for the Embassy" as its cleaners - or as Ambassadorial staff.

In other words, I have no idea what their status is, with regard to how financially and socially they are placed - but if your son has been with this girl for 2 years - they both look like keepers rather than players, so your son might know them better, and see a way to tie these two ends together....

 

 

I do feel sorry for her parents since they have to deal with the day to day of this whole situation.

They're probably shocked, confused and somewhat aghast that something like this could happen. They're probably angry, and might even feel your son took advantage of her.

This is an opportunity to make both sides really connect, and at least try to come to some understanding - despite the language barrier....

 

You're right that things could be worse. At least I'm not pregant :)

 

Jeesh, tell me about i!

 

I'm nearly 54, and recently had a 'Well Woman' full check up with my clinic.

 

Apparently, I have the system of a woman nearly 20 years younger (I don't drink or smoke) and am "firing on all cylinders"!

 

Pregnancy now, is absolutely something I definitely can't begin to even imagine! Eugh, that would be an absolute disaster....!

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why is you son not done with High School yet at 18? Does this mean he turned 18 over the summer?

 

Where is your sons father through all this?

 

Why are you so angry? Don't you realize you are making the situation worse.

 

Your son had very little knowledge of sex if he thought he couldn't get a girl pregnant so soon. I doubt your son even knows how to put on a condom (like that you roll it over the penis not pull it over and that you roll it a specific way with the lub on the outside)

 

What did you actualy teach him because my parents not once said silly things like (don't have kids) but I knew all about condoms and pregnancy far before 18 Not that I had sex in HS because I didn't.

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bentnotbroken

When some one's birthday is, determines sometimes what age they graduate. Both mine will be 18. Not so unusual. We all try our best to teach our children what we expect and the consequences of certain actions. In the end it will be their choice no matter how good a job we do. I probably have said, "don't have a baby", my parents certainly did. The end decision was mine. All we can do is give them the information and pray for the best choices.

 

I think maybe the OP's anger is more about disappointment and knowing what it is like to have a person you are responsible for. I have to say, I am not sure how I would handle the situation. :(I probably would be pissed, sad, frightened, and bewildered. Most of my friends are grandparents already, thank God I haven't had to face that. I can only hope I provide whatever support they would need, without taking on their responsibility. I pray things work our for the family.

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why is you son not done with High School yet at 18? Does this mean he turned 18 over the summer?

 

Where is your sons father through all this?

 

Why are you so angry? Don't you realize you are making the situation worse.

 

Your son had very little knowledge of sex if he thought he couldn't get a girl pregnant so soon. I doubt your son even knows how to put on a condom (like that you roll it over the penis not pull it over and that you roll it a specific way with the lub on the outside)

 

What did you actualy teach him because my parents not once said silly things like (don't have kids) but I knew all about condoms and pregnancy far before 18 Not that I had sex in HS because I didn't.

 

He will be 18 in a few weeks. His birthday ran late that's why he's just going into his senior year. His dad is very much in his life and my son is staying with him for the next couple days. His dad told me yesterday that he's been talking tomy son about using condoms and being responsible. My son is educated about sex and he knows how to put a condom on. because his dad taught him. I think he has been having sex for a while now and wanted this to happen.

 

I'm angry because I taught him better than this.

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He will be 18 in a few weeks. His birthday ran late that's why he's just going into his senior year. His dad is very much in his life and my son is staying with him for the next couple days. His dad told me yesterday that he's been talking tomy son about using condoms and being responsible. My son is educated about sex and he knows how to put a condom on. because his dad taught him. I think he has been having sex for a while now and wanted this to happen.

 

I'm angry because I taught him better than this.

 

well he can still get more women pregnant so hopefuly he learns his lesson. Really at this point I just hope your son can be a man and take care of his kid when its born. The real reason teen pregnancy is bad is because of the way teen parents refuse to take responsibility. So I hope your son takes full financial responsibility for the pregnancy and after the child is born.

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When some one's birthday is, determines sometimes what age they graduate. Both mine will be 18. Not so unusual. We all try our best to teach our children what we expect and the consequences of certain actions. In the end it will be their choice no matter how good a job we do. I probably have said, "don't have a baby", my parents certainly did. The end decision was mine. All we can do is give them the information and pray for the best choices.

 

I think maybe the OP's anger is more about disappointment and knowing what it is like to have a person you are responsible for. I have to say, I am not sure how I would handle the situation. :(I probably would be pissed, sad, frightened, and bewildered. Most of my friends are grandparents already, thank God I haven't had to face that. I can only hope I provide whatever support they would need, without taking on their responsibility. I pray things work our for the family.

 

Thanks so much. You are right. He made a decision whether conscious or not. I intend to let him take responsibility for his choice. I wish that he could have experienced his 20's without any major responsibilites but he knew the possible consequences and my reaction. He knows that I wanted him to have a career first then get married then have children. That would be the respinsible thing to do. But that's not gonna happen now. Just goes to show that we can plan but we can't plan the outcome. I will be supportive but not take on his responsibility.

 

I just wish I would have been talking with him more and not assuming that he was being safe because they have been together for so long.

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well he can still get more women pregnant so hopefuly he learns his lesson. Really at this point I just hope your son can be a man and take care of his kid when its born. The real reason teen pregnancy is bad is because of the way teen parents refuse to take responsibility. So I hope your son takes full financial responsibility for the pregnancy and after the child is born.

 

 

I will make sure he does. I don't think the reality has hit him yet as to how difficult it will be to go to college, work and contribute to rearing a child. But it will hit soon.

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let's look at this constructively....

This could be your opportunity to extend a hand of friendship.

 

Let's see... (I'm completely guessing here) but they are immigrants, and probably feel a bit hurt and confused that having brought their children to the USA for a better life - one of them has fallen foul and gone and messed it all up....

.!

 

 

I'm not sure but they live in a nice house in the area where we just moved from. I guess I'll find out soon.

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I will make sure he does. I don't think the reality has hit him yet as to how difficult it will be to go to college, work and contribute to rearing a child. But it will hit soon.

 

The reality is life is hard and unfair. Life is what you make of it. As long as he respects himself he should be happy.

 

Unless it is his dream to do something with education I wouldn't necesarily recomend it. I mean some kind of training like electrician, plumber, mechanic, construction is great... but he doesn't necesarily have to get a B.A. in History unless that is his honest Dream.

 

Has he done good on the SAT's he took junior year. Is he expecting to be excepted to good schools?

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bentnotbroken
Thanks so much. You are right. He made a decision whether conscious or not. I intend to let him take responsibility for his choice. I wish that he could have experienced his 20's without any major responsibilites but he knew the possible consequences and my reaction. He knows that I wanted him to have a career first then get married then have children. That would be the respinsible thing to do. But that's not gonna happen now. Just goes to show that we can plan but we can't plan the outcome. I will be supportive but not take on his responsibility.

 

I just wish I would have been talking with him more and not assuming that he was being safe because they have been together for so long.

 

 

Reminds of one of the lines in the song by OUTKAST (mrs. jackson) "you can plan a pretty picnic, but you can't predict the weather". So true of life. I am sure you will guide the best of your abilities and they will be fine.

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The reality is life is hard and unfair. Life is what you make of it. As long as he respects himself he should be happy.

 

Unless it is his dream to do something with education I wouldn't necesarily recomend it. I mean some kind of training like electrician, plumber, mechanic, construction is great... but he doesn't necesarily have to get a B.A. in History unless that is his honest Dream.

 

Has he done good on the SAT's he took junior year. Is he expecting to be excepted to good schools?

 

 

He wants to major in accounting and has not done as well as he could have with his grades. Although he loves accounting and has gotten A's in the subject so far. Either way, going away to school was the plan so that he could have that experience. Now he will probably stay here and go to a state college. I will talk to him about what he would like to do and what I can do to support his future career plans.

 

He knows that education is very important since he watched me get an MBA while a single parent. He is not very handy so I doubt he will go into a trade like construction, carpentry or the like. He's always talked about going into sales or some other business career.

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Reminds of one of the lines in the song by OUTKAST (mrs. jackson) "you can plan a pretty picnic, but you can't predict the weather". So true of life. I am sure you will guide the best of your abilities and they will be fine.

 

 

All of this came at me full speed yesterday and I am still very disappointed but the reality is starting to sink in that it is what it is. I know that I will not be raising another child since I am 40 and fly. :)

 

I am looking forward to my son going off and becoming a man while I enjoy my freedom after raising him. The little baby will not be allowed to call me grandma, so I have to come up with a name that won't cramp my style.

 

Thank you guys so much.

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bentnotbroken
All of this came at me full speed yesterday and I am still very disappointed but the reality is starting to sink in that it is what it is. I know that I will not be raising another child since I am 40 and fly. :)

 

I am looking forward to my son going off and becoming a man while I enjoy my freedom after raising him. The little baby will not be allowed to call me grandma, so I have to come up with a name that won't cramp my style.

 

Thank you guys so much.

 

 

I've got my "not grandma" name picked already. Since I am 40+ and fly:D

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