Why would a mother say that to her child?

[Tres]

A mother, 37 y.o, pregnant, intelligent, healthy was talking with her daugher 10 y.o. while walking in a park.

 

The girl asked her mom in a nice and naive tone: ' Mom, why did you want to have another baby?'

 

The mother answered in a nice, easy tone but seriously: 'I would like to have another baby because if I had the only one child, it could be possible that the child might die, therefore after that child died I would have no children. But, if I had 2 children, there was a better chance that I had at least one child if another died. Also, I had known a real story that happened with my neigbour many year ago when I lived in town X. The family first had one child and the child died very early, then they had another child, and that happened again, and, finally, they had the third baby, and the baby died as well. I hope you could understand now why I wanted to have another child.'

 

The explanation was kind of unusual for 10 y.o. Therefore, the girl stopped asking questions and started internalizing the information.

 

BTW the conversation was real.

 

Any thoughts?

Why would a mother give such strange answer to her daughter?

What was she thinking?

[laRubiaBonita]

Any thoughts?

Why would a mother give such strange answer to her daughter?

What was she thinking?

 

i have heard of the "pregnant mush brain"... maybe this was a symptom

[TaraMaiden]

I think it's an extremely rational, logical and sensible thing to say.

It carries no BS, uncertainty and is not ambiguous.

 

Given that the majority of people who have babies, if asked why they're having one, kind of look dumbfounded, and reply with things, such as -

"Well, it's the done thing, isn't it?"

Or

"well, everyone in my family has kids"

or even

"Well, my parents wanted grandchildren"

 

Which are all ludicrous reasons for having children - or have no rational, sensible or logical reason for creating a brand new mouth to feed - I think the above is pretty lucid.

[laRubiaBonita]

I think it's an extremely rational, logical and sensible thing to say.

It carries no BS, uncertainty and is not ambiguous.

 

i would hate to be told one of the reasons i was born was so mom wouldn't be childless if my older sister died..... or if my mother told me she was having a baby in case i died- i would take it to mean i could be 'easily' replaced.

 

But, my mother IRL doesn't like all three of us (her children- my sibs) to go one trips together.... ride all in the same car- just in case there was an accident and we all died.

[bentnotbroken]

First we don't know the dynamics of that particular relationship. My oldest was much more mature at 10 than my youngest. I had to have conversations that weren't watered down. My youngest is also more sensitive, so I wouldn't have had that type of conversation anyway. What I am trying to say, is parenting styles are not only different for all of us, but parenting is different with different children within a family.

 

Take the conversation for what it really was...a conversation between a parent and child who know each other far better than anyone over hearing the conversation.

[Tres]

I think it's an extremely rational, logical and sensible thing to say.

It carries no BS, uncertainty and is not ambiguous.

 

Given that the majority of people who have babies, if asked why they're having one, kind of look dumbfounded, and reply with things, such as -

"Well, it's the done thing, isn't it?"

Or

"well, everyone in my family has kids"

or even

"Well, my parents wanted grandchildren"

 

Which are all ludicrous reasons for having children - or have no rational, sensible or logical reason for creating a brand new mouth to feed - I think the above is pretty lucid.

 

IMO a child sees herself/himself as an unique and special person in eyes of her Mom. Kids are unique individuals but they are not replacable objects which are good to have. It is not like a person wrecks her car but she is fine because she can go and buy a better car next day.

The conversation sounds to a child as 'sweetie, it is no problem if you die because I have another kid even better'.

 

Also, the ability to accept the truth depends on level of maturity. Is not that obvious that the explanation is too much for a 10y.o. I.e, if a 10 y.o asks you about where babies come from, you are not going to tell all the truthful sexual details of the process.

[GorillaTheater]

IMO a child sees herself/himself as an unique and special person in eyes of her Mom. Kids are unique individuals but they are not replacable objects which are good to have. It is not like a person wrecks her car but she is fine because she can go and buy a better car next day.

The conversation sounds to a child as 'sweetie, it is no problem if you die because I have another kid even better'.

 

My take as well. Parents have to be a little careful about dumping stuff like this on kids.

 

Case in point: When I was about the same age (10 or so) my mom, out of the blue, told me that if she, my dad, and myself were on a sinking boat and she could only save one of us, she would save my dad.

 

Probably the truth. And heaven knows what I would do if faced with a choice like that.

 

But I brooded over that one for a long, long time. I am now, as a matter of fact, nearly 40 years later.

[donnamaybe]

My take as well. Parents have to be a little careful about dumping stuff like this on kids.

 

Case in point: When I was about the same age (10 or so) my mom, out of the blue, told me that if she, my dad, and myself were on a sinking boat and she could only save one of us, she would save my dad.

 

Probably the truth. And heaven knows what I would do if faced with a choice like that.

 

But I brooded over that one for a long, long time. I am now, as a matter of fact, nearly 40 years later.

OMG GT! I cannot BELIEVE your mom would say something like that!

 

Where does she live?!

 

JK

 

But seriously, that and the OP's example are terrible things to say. Wow.

[bentnotbroken]

IMO a child sees herself/himself as an unique and special person in eyes of her Mom. Kids are unique individuals but they are not replacable objects which are good to have. It is not like a person wrecks her car but she is fine because she can go and buy a better car next day.

The conversation sounds to a child as 'sweetie, it is no problem if you die because I have another kid even better'.

 

Also, the ability to accept the truth depends on level of maturity. Is not that obvious that the explanation is too much for a 10y.o. I.e, if a 10 y.o asks you about where babies come from, you are not going to tell all the truthful sexual details of the process.

 

 

I didn't give them the details of lovemaking, but they did get the sperm and the egg came together to make the "special baby me!" They got that story around 6 or 7. The sexual details came around 13 with the "birds and bees" conversation.

[sally4sara]

My take as well. Parents have to be a little careful about dumping stuff like this on kids.

 

Case in point: When I was about the same age (10 or so) my mom, out of the blue, told me that if she, my dad, and myself were on a sinking boat and she could only save one of us, she would save my dad.

 

Probably the truth. And heaven knows what I would do if faced with a choice like that.

 

But I brooded over that one for a long, long time. I am now, as a matter of fact, nearly 40 years later.

 

One of my closest friends told me her mother said nearly the same thing to her and her sister. Being told that stuck with her too and has manifested in a really awful way in how she is when she is really sprung on a guy. She equates her love for him as needing to be to that level of extreme as well if her love is to be genuine even if the guy isn't such a great match for her.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I have been told atrocious things as well, and can say only this: sometimes parents should just keep things to themselves, or at the very least lie - there is no point in making your child feel like less of a person for any reason.

[Tres]

I have been told atrocious things as well, and can say only this: sometimes parents should just keep things to themselves, or at the very least lie - there is no point in making your child feel like less of a person for any reason.

 

Some parents say such things. I am curious why they would do so. Do they want to hurt their children or have no understanding or hate their children or something else?

[sally4sara]

Some parents say such things. I am curious why they would do so. Do they want to hurt their children or have no understanding or hate their children or something else?

 

Asperger Syndrome.

[BlackLovely]

I'm not a mother and I choose not to become one, so I cannot speak to why a mother would say such things.

 

If you spend a lot of time pondering why people say or do things, you will go nuts eventually.

People have myriad motivations for their actions, some that others can never understand.

 

My own mother had no filter. She was not above telling me that I was ugly, stupid and a whore. All of this began when I was nine years old. I spent a lot of time crying and pleading with the universe for answers. I finally realized that she said those things because she is a disturbed individual, not because I deserved it.

 

Don't lose sleep over what perverse parents say to their children. You can't do anything about that babes.

[Dooda]

I think it's an extremely rational, logical and sensible thing to say.

It carries no BS, uncertainty and is not ambiguous.

 

Given that the majority of people who have babies, if asked why they're having one, kind of look dumbfounded, and reply with things, such as -

"Well, it's the done thing, isn't it?"

Or

"well, everyone in my family has kids"

or even

"Well, my parents wanted grandchildren"

 

Which are all ludicrous reasons for having children - or have no rational, sensible or logical reason for creating a brand new mouth to feed - I think the above is pretty lucid.

 

So, it makes sense for you to tell a 10 yo kid that she's really not that important, and if she dies, you'll have this other, better kid to play with, and you won't really care if the child you're talking to dies.

As long as mommy has children to play with....

That's disgusting...

If I was 10, that would be a huge blow to how my mom sees me.

It's not rational, because you shouldn't judge getting kids based on numbers, you should judge on whether you're prepared to nurture the children you'll raise, emotionally, physically, and mentally.

[Minnie09]

If the mother was serious (and I am hoping she was, as otherwise she would be a cruel sadist), she should have kept it to herself. The message she sends to her child is "You are replaceable." That's horrible.

If that's truly the mother's thinking process and her motivation for having more offspring, she's got some serious issues. Why exactly does she want to be a mother? In order not to be alone? Give me a break.

Never heard of anything more selfish and insane, and telling her child is just plain thoughtless.

The child only wants to be loved and taken care of, because she wants to feel like she is worth it. The last thing she wants to find out is that the mother already has a replacement in place in case she dies. That is unbelievable.

[Tayla]

I disagree with the "AT FACE VALUE" in front of a ten year old Blood related person. WE censor our talk and abide by the tried and true, Our actions are far more important then any words....

 

Gorilla, sorry you were told that from a parent....Heard that question between adults but never around the child......

 

I got the "She is a foster kid" so she isn't (said ever so quietly) ..."ours" , Talk about being outcast within a family unit...Gotta love foster parents ( Truly I could write a book about that experience!!!) I was a "ward" of the state....Now isnt that a nice "stereotype" to break free of.

 

I disagree with the So called logic that we have more kids for the reason stated. I didnt become a parent of more kids for any other reason then I thought I loved them, was eager to be an encouraging force in there life and soo eager to see them develope into fine young gents! Its giving more to them then you ever get back...

 

Just like getting a drivers license some parents need a license to parent...They clearly violated a parental rule....pull them over and give them a citation!

[Dooda]

Just like getting a drivers license some parents need a license to parent...They clearly violated a parental rule....pull them over and give them a citation!

 

They should seriously force parents to get a parenting licence before they become one.