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Q for all parents here re: independence


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Background: I'm an only child in an extremely protective and conservative Asian family. The parents went to fertility clinics for 6 years to get me, nuff said. However, now that I'm 23 and have graduated from my degree course, I'm planning to go on a 6-month working holiday to another country before I head for postgrad.

 

Needless to say, the parents are worried stiff. They have always been extremely controlling, but although I realize they really have no hold on me to control anymore, I also realize that they love me lots and would very much prefer not to cause them grief. In fact, I'm not sure if I could live with the guilt if I caused our ties to be enstranged forever. So I'm trying to think of ways to show them that I can take care of myself during the month plus that I have left here, as opposed to saying 'screw you' and just leaving.

 

It's not as easy as it sounds, though. Mom always insists that dad ferry me everywhere. Sometimes I insist on going by myself, but sometimes I just let her have her way and have him drive me (admittedly it IS tempting - avoid the parking hassle and please your mom, two birds with one stone). I'm wondering if insisting more would show them that I've grown up... or if it'd just make her mad and unhappy.

 

What else can I do? I already do my own laundry, clean my own room, fix my own meals (except for the dinner which she insists we all eat together), etc.

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Evidence that where you will be staying will be safe.

 

That would be enough for me.

 

However, as long as you are at home I dont think you will achieve the independance you crave. Parents are parents. I think your parents are over the top but I dont have much understanding of your culture to say anything further. All I know is the moment you leave your child somewhere such as Uni and drive off this a truly scary time for most loving parents across any culture and some of us find it harder to let go than others.. but ultimately we have to let go.

 

If you need an excuse, cant you weave this trip somehow into your Course or as a sideline to your Course? They must understand that even if it isnt directly connected that you need to experience travelling?...

 

Take care,

Eve xx

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TaraMaiden

Ask your parents if they ever left home....

Did they ever branch out on their own and live independently....?

 

Well, there you go....!

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I have no advice on how to behave during your transition month.

 

I do think you could write your parents a letter/email telling them you are sad that your decision hurts them and that you will do the best you can to be careful, and to stay in close touch with them while you are gone.

 

You can also tell them you hope they are proud of your adventurous spirit and the self confidence they have helped you to develop.

 

I think what you are doing is great.

 

47 year old father of 3 - D19,S15,D14

 

Background: I'm an only child in an extremely protective and conservative Asian family. The parents went to fertility clinics for 6 years to get me, nuff said. However, now that I'm 23 and have graduated from my degree course, I'm planning to go on a 6-month working holiday to another country before I head for postgrad.

 

Needless to say, the parents are worried stiff. They have always been extremely controlling, but although I realize they really have no hold on me to control anymore, I also realize that they love me lots and would very much prefer not to cause them grief. In fact, I'm not sure if I could live with the guilt if I caused our ties to be enstranged forever. So I'm trying to think of ways to show them that I can take care of myself during the month plus that I have left here, as opposed to saying 'screw you' and just leaving.

 

It's not as easy as it sounds, though. Mom always insists that dad ferry me everywhere. Sometimes I insist on going by myself, but sometimes I just let her have her way and have him drive me (admittedly it IS tempting - avoid the parking hassle and please your mom, two birds with one stone). I'm wondering if insisting more would show them that I've grown up... or if it'd just make her mad and unhappy.

 

What else can I do? I already do my own laundry, clean my own room, fix my own meals (except for the dinner which she insists we all eat together), etc.

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What you can do is sit down and write out a detailed plan of what you will be doing, where you will be staying, how you will pay for it, how you will be feeding yourself, on and on - basically, a little document detailing what your trip will look like. They need to be able to visualize what you are doing day to day. We are a lot like your parents, with an only child (19), although I try to give her space and have to 'educate' my husband on how to let go. But I still worry about the day to day stuff. I need to be able to understand what she does with her time while she's away at college.

 

If you can show them, in writing, that you have your entire trip planned out, and you provide them with phone numbers, addresses, contacts, emergency contacts, etc., they will be reassured, and they will see that you are acting like an adult and preparing as an adult would, not a child.

 

As for the next month, sit down and arrange with them one outing each week that you go on by yourself. You drive, you meet friends, you go to a museum, whatever, but arrange it all and get their approval. I still worry about DD19 driving to downtown (big city); but I need to see her do it, so that I can start letting go of my fears that she's still a child. Let your parents see you go out and do things on your own, so they'll be better with the bigger trip.

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I have no advice on how to behave during your transition month.

 

I do think you could write your parents a letter/email telling them you are sad that your decision hurts them and that you will do the best you can to be careful, and to stay in close touch with them while you are gone.

 

You can also tell them you hope they are proud of your adventurous spirit and the self confidence they have helped you to develop.

 

I think what you are doing is great.

 

47 year old father of 3 - D19,S15,D14

 

Yes, I did promise to call them everyday. And thank you! :)

 

What you can do is sit down and write out a detailed plan of what you will be doing, where you will be staying, how you will pay for it, how you will be feeding yourself, on and on - basically, a little document detailing what your trip will look like. They need to be able to visualize what you are doing day to day. We are a lot like your parents, with an only child (19), although I try to give her space and have to 'educate' my husband on how to let go. But I still worry about the day to day stuff. I need to be able to understand what she does with her time while she's away at college.

 

If you can show them, in writing, that you have your entire trip planned out, and you provide them with phone numbers, addresses, contacts, emergency contacts, etc., they will be reassured, and they will see that you are acting like an adult and preparing as an adult would, not a child.

 

As for the next month, sit down and arrange with them one outing each week that you go on by yourself. You drive, you meet friends, you go to a museum, whatever, but arrange it all and get their approval. I still worry about DD19 driving to downtown (big city); but I need to see her do it, so that I can start letting go of my fears that she's still a child. Let your parents see you go out and do things on your own, so they'll be better with the bigger trip.

 

So you think it would be a good idea to insist on going by myself? I guess I was worried my mum would be unhappy, and also worried that I might actually get into an untoward incident that would scare them and make things worse. Because they'll only allow me to drive our 11-year-old cheap car, and my country has a pretty high crime rate (much higher than the country I'm heading to for the working holiday).

 

As for addresses, etc, nothing is really set in stone in a working holiday. You won't know where you'll stay, and you won't be able to get a job til you're actually there.

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Pick some small things to do, like going to the grocery store, or to a movie. Build up their confidence on you doing things alone.

 

As for your big trip, you honestly don't know where you'll be living? With whom? Phone numbers? Why not?

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E,

I assume the working holiday is not in your boyfriends home country?

 

So that means you will BOTH be looking for work at the same time?

 

If so, how detailed is your financial plan? Meaning how many months of cash supply will the two of you have when you get there? If I were your dad I would need to know that you have already either purchased your return airline ticket or factored that into the equation.

 

I truly DO think that doing this is a great idea provided you have done your research and are entering a job market where you can realistically expect to obtain employment a good bit sooner than you will deplete your initial cash reserve.

 

Have you located the general areas where you expect to rent housing there? Are those areas reasonably safe?

 

One other question that is very key has to do with your BF. How high a priority is he going to make your safety? Lets say you get a job working as a server in a nice restaurant and have to work late nights and your apartment is in a marginal area. Is he going to push you to take taxicabs home to be safe or encourage you to take public transport to save money?

 

There is only one right answer to that question. It is immediate and visceral. And other answer is not just wrong, it is offensive. From your prior posts I know how your BF would have answered in the beginning of your relationship. What would his answer be now?

 

One last comment and I know you didn't ask this question. After this trip - he will have spent enough time with you in a cumulative sense to make a decision regarding engagement. As will you.

 

 

Yes, I did promise to call them everyday. And thank you! :)

 

 

 

So you think it would be a good idea to insist on going by myself? I guess I was worried my mum would be unhappy, and also worried that I might actually get into an untoward incident that would scare them and make things worse. Because they'll only allow me to drive our 11-year-old cheap car, and my country has a pretty high crime rate (much higher than the country I'm heading to for the working holiday).

 

As for addresses, etc, nothing is really set in stone in a working holiday. You won't know where you'll stay, and you won't be able to get a job til you're actually there.

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@mem: Thank you for your concern. :) I truly do appreciate it - however, I would prefer for this thread to stay on topic, ie how a daughter could show her parents that she is independent.

 

To answer your question, though, the bf has said that he has savings enough and has already prepared himself financially to support my expenses in the worst case scenario of me not being able to find a job at all during my time there, as well as my ticket. To answer your second question, he would probably not be able to walk me at odd hours due to his schedule but would be willing to support me so that I need not take such a job that would entail danger.

 

I have done my research - the job market isn't that great but I still think it's a better idea than going directly to my postgrad. So does he. It is too late to back out now though - I have already obtained the visa, and it is a once-in-a-lifetime one. So it would be an awful waste to change my mind. Also, the bf has already been there for the past 2 years, even though his home country is the same as mine. He is currently there now.

 

I also personally think 23 is a tad too young for engagement, for both him and me.

 

Edit: Oh, I misread your late night question. He has always put safety first, without a doubt. If one alternative was more expensive and safer than another, he would always support and choose the former. I'm honestly very skeptical about the safety of taxicabs in general though, due to bad experiences and horror stories about those in my home country. ;)

 

@turnera : I'm pretty sure you can't get a contract to rent a place before you are actually there, and especially not a month before, unless you are willing to start paying even though you're not there yet. Bf will help me look for possible places when the time is near but I would most likely need to go there to sign the contract with the landlord myself.

Edited by Elswyth
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