what, if any, is the appropriate age to spank a child?

[Peaceful Guy]

this is an offshoot of the thread titled "something iver wondered". what age and what behaviors do think its good/okay to spank? i know this is a sensitive topic, but i don't feel super strong about it.. im more looking for your insights. like i said in the other thread, i think that there are appropriate times for it, but i think it would suck.. thoughts?

[sally4sara]

I don't agree with spanking beyond a single swat on the behind to catch the attention of a small child in full tantrum mode. It is only to startle them and get them listening to you. What age this stops being appropriate depends on the intelligence of the child rather than the age. Once they are intelligent enough to be reasoned with, resorting to violence is a clear indication of the adult's flawed character rather than the child's disposition.

 

That being said, once my son is at my eye level or taller, should he ever get it in his head to raise his hands to me in anger - he might end up needing medical attention.

[KikiW]

I would give my daughter a one-swat spank during her tantrums until she was about 3-4 (I did that MAYBE 5 or 6 times total), after that it seemed silly because taking away her favorite toys then worked just as effectively. Before that age she couldn't extrapolate as well. But once we instituted the "ok, you've lost everything in your bed" (where she used to have an army of stuffed animals and dolls) we rarely had temper tantrums. She's lost all her bed toys exactly twice, and since then the behavior has never warranted anything more severe than a stern talking to.

 

We're tough on her, but I believe we are fair, and she is an extremely well behaved and polite kid.

[Tayla]

one can restrain without swatting. This is acceptable at any age.

[Thornton]

A very small child is incapable of understanding a reasonable explanation, and the easiest way to teach them good behaviour is to smack them lightly and say very firmly "No, that's naughty". Also sometimes a quick response is required, such as when a child reaches out to a hot fire... the instinctive response is to slap their hand away from the fire and tell them No. Note that I'm talking about a light smack to get their attention and reinforce that they shouldn't do that, not a full-on spanking or a hard slap. There's no excuse for ever spanking or beating a child - it makes you into a bully, and when the child is old enough to understand an explanation and a punishment such as no tv, then such punishments are much better than violence. Once a child reaches a certain age they find physical punishment humiliating and will attempt to retaliate - I've seen this in children as young as 3 or 4 - while a punishment such as no tv will make the child sulky but won't make it retaliate, so it's more likely to reflect on its own behaviour rather than feeling resentful of yours.

[Athena]

this is an offshoot of the thread titled "something iver wondered". what age and what behaviors do think its good/okay to spank? i know this is a sensitive topic, but i don't feel super strong about it.. im more looking for your insights. like i said in the other thread, i think that there are appropriate times for it, but i think it would suck.. thoughts?

 

Not under 3 years, and not over 12 -- that's my advice!

 

Also, state what you are doing and WHY. Spank on the thigh or the butt -- Never on the head, etc.

It helps to have something like a Wooden Spoon which you stomp off to get, pull open the drawer... usually the kid will comply super quick, even after you've warned them verbally -- the sound of the spoon being retrieved does it.

 

If no spoon available, the hand will do. Enough to smart. Not to bruise!!!!

[Peaceful Guy]

thank you for the sincere responses. ide like to hear more.

[Trialbyfire]

IMO, there's never an appropriate time to smack anyone, regardless of age.

 

Little ones, no matter how young, can understand a lot more than people give them credit for. The earlier you incorporate the age appropriate trust and respect in their abilities to understand and reason, the easier it gets as they age.

[donnamaybe]

I've used swats on the booty from about age 2 to 2 1/2 and for only a couple years. Once you can communicate effectively with them, time outs and/or denial of privileges or items is best IMO.

 

Anyone who has no children may find it easy to talk about how you can reason with a child under 2.

[GorillaTheater]

I've used swats on the booty from about age 2 to 2 1/2 and for only a couple years. Once you can communicate effectively with them, time outs and/or denial of privileges or items is best IMO.

 

Anyone who has no children may find it easy to talk about how you can reason with a child under 2.

 

I do the same with respect to the "one swat" thing and the age ranges, but there are exceptions. When my oldest son was 12, he pulled something particularly bone-headed and I asked him if he thought he was too old to be spanked. He said yes and I then proved him mistaken. As far as an attention-getter, I don't think I could have done better.

[JamesM]

Anyone who has no children may find it easy to talk about how you can reason with a child under 2.

 

Agree.

 

Spanking has its place, but it can be abused. Having said that, I can say that my kids never showed that my spanking actually hurt. It did more as an attention getter than as a punishment. Not saying I never was angry when I did it, but I tried never (and I think I succeeded) to only spank one time and in a way that they knew it was related to their actions. As a parent, one should be prepared for anger and have a "technique" in place to prevent abuse. My way was to only allow one hit, and after that I felt as if I were out of control. A good spanking is one done without anger and while in control. It should never really hurt, and it should never be as a way of venting anger on the child.

 

When to start? Not before about two at the earliest because they don't understand it anyhow. And I liked the fact that they were still wearing pullups for awhile because I knew that there was no actual pain.

 

When to quit? I can say that I think I spanked my eight year old maybe once or twice and even then, it actually is not very effective. I can say that I doubt he will ever receive anymore because it is more effective to take away privileges. My ten and twelve year olds never have had any for a number of years. It is a mental age thing, but once they understand that life rewards certain behaviors and punishes others (ie do good in school, get good grades), then this transfers very well at home. Many kids learn this soon after they are in school....at around age four or five.

 

And by the time they have had a few spankings, the threat becomes more scary than the actual act.

 

Honestly, one of my favorite attention getters that worked to get some response was...."I am going to count to three, and I had better not have to say two." They learned to run when I said one.

 

A good parent will "need" spankings for awhile as a tool, but a good parent should not need it long to have his/her children obey.

[donnamaybe]

I do the same with respect to the "one swat" thing and the age ranges, but there are exceptions. When my oldest son was 12, he pulled something particularly bone-headed and I asked him if he thought he was too old to be spanked. He said yes and I then proved him mistaken. As far as an attention-getter, I don't think I could have done better.

 

Okay, I admit that once about a year ago my then 14 year old son and I were riding in the car. He was sitting beside me in the front seat and we were talking about school. He said something SO sarcastic and snotty - backtalk - and he'd been going through a phase of that as of late. I'd just had enough. I reached out really quick and popped him on the cheek by his mouth. Not an arm swing of course, but a wrist flick kind of thing. He was SO surprised! It hurt his ego more than anything else. I then told him I love him, but will not tolerate that level of disrespect. We actually get along quite well, and he does actually show me a pretty consistent level of respect. I deserve it, and he knows that.

[Trialbyfire]

As someone who, while having no children, has effectively reasoned with children under the age of two, it's not rocket science. But it takes time, patience, which includes the carrot and the stick, and punishment, without resorting to bribery or physical violence.

 

Children are very logical, in an intensely self-centric fashion. Position it so they understand there's a positive and a negative consequence to actions taken and they'll always pick the positive. This is called buy-in without a need for physicality.

 

But you have to grind it down to two choices and the choices must be black and white, as simple as you can get.

[Devil Inside]

I am not a fan of spanking at any age...but I think it has it's place and can be very useful.

 

Like most have said...it does not make sense to use it before the age of two or two and a half. Children really do not have the brain development at that point to understand action/consequences, so it just seems cruel.

 

Once a child reached the age where non physical means of discipline work it is time to switch. This usually happens about three, four, or five.

[donnamaybe]

It's easy to "reason with a child under the age of 2" if you are NOT the one with them day in and day out. Children are a lot less likely to NOT listen to someone they aren't used to.

 

That was easy. Try being an actual parent once and THEN check back in.

[GorillaTheater]

Okay, I admit that once about a year ago my then 14 year old son and I were riding in the car. He was sitting beside me in the front seat and we were talking about school. He said something SO sarcastic and snotty - backtalk - and he'd been going through a phase of that as of late. I'd just had enough. I reached out really quick and popped him on the cheek by his mouth. Not an arm swing of course, but a wrist flick kind of thing. He was SO surprised! It hurt his ego more than anything else. I then told him I love him, but will not tolerate that level of disrespect. We actually get along quite well, and he does actually show me a pretty consistent level of respect. I deserve it, and he knows that.

 

I think that was entirely appropriate. It's not about inflicting any pain, of course, just getting their attention.

[donnamaybe]

I think that was entirely appropriate. It's not about inflicting any pain, of course, just getting their attention.

 

Yup. People have this way of taking something like what I described and escalating it into "child abuse" when they haven't ever had their own child and have NO clue what raising a child is really all about.

[Trialbyfire]

It's easy to "reason with a child under the age of 2" if you are NOT the one with them day in and day out. Children are a lot less likely to NOT listen to someone they aren't used to.

 

That was easy. Try being an actual parent once and THEN check back in.

Spanking is about ease to parents v. what's good for the children.

[donnamaybe]

Spanking is about ease to parents v. what's good for the children.

 

Spoken like a childless person.

 

Really. If you ever have any of your own, you'll find out.

[Devil Inside]

Yup. People have this way of taking something like what I described and escalating it into "child abuse" when they haven't ever had their own child and have NO clue what raising a child is really all about.

 

I used to do child protection intake for my local social services. I basically investigated allegations of child abuse and neglect. I can't speak for every state, or every worker...but what you did was not child abuse unless you did it to the level that left a mark or a bruise.

 

I understand what you mean about having a different perspective because you have children. There are many days where I feel like I could just backhand my kids. I don't...but they can drive a parent batty.

[GorillaTheater]

Spanking is about ease to parents v. what's good for the children.

 

Cumulatively, I have 89 years' worth of parenting experience, and I thoroughly disagree.

[Trialbyfire]

Spoken like a childless person.

 

Really. If you ever have any of your own, you'll find out.

All I have to do is to ask the rest of my family about how unnecessary spanking is. In applying the same techniques when responsible in the past for my nephews, which includes extended periods of time, it works. Consistency is a major factor.

[Devil Inside]

Spanking is about ease to parents v. what's good for the children.

 

 

I can agree to a point. Spanking is definitely an easier method of parenting then are non physical means; and in some situations is relied upon because the parent is not skilled or aware of other means of discipline. However, in the right situations it can be useful to the child.

[Trialbyfire]

Cumulatively, I have 89 years' worth of parenting experience, and I thoroughly disagree.

You have less experience than my parents, grandparents, assorted aunts and uncles.

[Trialbyfire]

I can agree to a point. Spanking is definitely an easier method of parenting then are non physical means; and in some situations is relied upon because the parent is not skilled or aware of other means of discipline. However, in the right situations it can be useful to the child.

IMO, there are no right situations for domestic violence.