Stone Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 My Boyfriend and I are talking about blending our famlies with that there are alot of changes to be expected however he still shares a bed with his daughter ( his daughter has her own bedroom she refuses to sleep in) for comfort "bonding" purposes as he says only. I think it is completely innapropriate for them to share a bed and in the long run will emotionaly damage her when they come to live with us, and through out ther teen years and possibly adulthood. NOW I am not suggesting that there is anything sexual going on at all, it's just a comfort thing but I believe that it is WRONG.... So I am wrong for feeling this way???? Please be honest, Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 Sleeping with parents is only damaging to the child, if there's molestation going on, or the child is made to feel ashamed about her behaviour. The independence issue of sleeping alone, is a very western attitude. In many other cultures, especially where space or fuel for heating, is at a premium, the entire clan sleeps in one room. Where it might be damaging, is that the adult couple that's involved, in other words you and he, can't have the privacy for an active sex life. No sex within a relationship, is one of the big relationship killers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stone Posted September 19, 2009 Author Share Posted September 19, 2009 Thanks so much for your reply one more question though she told her dad she thinkgs I am replacing her, which I believe is normal for a child to think so but do you think he should make her sleep alone for awhile before they move in our start fresh? I know there are going to be many many difficulities but I am just trying to put her well being first Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 I think the more important issues are, if he can be consistent with her, if he moves her back to her room, before you move in. Also, you have to gain her trust enough that she realizes, you're not displacing her. It's not that often that a child lives with her father, rather than her mother. Was the family abandoned by the mother? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stone Posted September 19, 2009 Author Share Posted September 19, 2009 No it's joint cusody he is a great father and loves his children so he pays child support and takes them 1/2 time just cause he would do anything for his children. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 Is her mother supportive of the two of you or is there any residual bitterness, that might be influencing his daughter's attitudes? Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 Does the child sleep in Mums bed when with her? Take care, Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 Personally, I don't think that a 10 year old sleeping with her Dad is healthy, but thats beside the point really. Nobody should have bonding issues at the age of 10- the bonding should be well and truly established by that age. Main thing is- it will kill your relationship if/when you move in together if its not resolved, as you won't be able to have intimate time together as a couple. Eve has a good point- does she sleep with the mother? Link to post Share on other sites
shadowplay Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 I slept with my parents on occasion until I was about 12 or 13, which is pretty unusual. I had my own bed and room but used to be really phobic about the dark so I would come into their room in the middle of the night. My dad hated it. I don't think it was very healthy for me because it made me feel like a child. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stone Posted September 20, 2009 Author Share Posted September 20, 2009 No she doesn't sleep with her mother at all, I think her mom is ok with my relationship with her x husband she has been remarried for several years I can't see why she would have a problem..... Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 A 10 year old should have outgrown sleeping with the parents already. If she thinks you're replacing her, you should work on trying to bond with the child so she doesn't see you as intruding on her " property". She needs to be around more female figures and not constantly rely on the father, otherwise she might develop an electra complex. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 No she doesn't sleep with her mother at all, I think her mom is ok with my relationship with her x husband she has been remarried for several years I can't see why she would have a problem..... At a guess of what could have happened here.. during the split up Dad gave his daughter unlimited access to him - via allowing her to sleep in bed with him. He now needs to talk to her about her development and changing needs... and pretty quickly too! Even if not visible as yet, her body will be getting ready for her periods and she needs to learn all about that and other stuff. Kids tend to respond well to concerns about them and not strict, 'you musts'. The fact that she does not sleep in Mums bed is evidence enough that she will understand the need for change.. Dad must trust the OP a lot to tell her whats been going on but I would say that it would be unfair for the new girlfriend to have to sort this out. This could be a disaster if handled wrongly! Now, I dont know what type of temperment the child has. If she is easy going then the transition will not be too hard. If she is a needy child then it would be wise for Dad to look at various ideas such as a night light in her room or ways to still allow her access to the bed. But Dad needs to have a big talk with his daughter and discuss how this 'unlimited access' can develop into something else. I dont know.. such as going horse riding together or something. I have had some experience of this within the settling in period of what is becoming a re-constituted family. My Hubbys boys would come into our bed at the weekends (in the morning) until they were 10 or 11 years old. I could see that this was due to the fact that they had suffered a trauma when their Mum left them and it was as much a comfort for Dad as it was for them. They had in fact shared the bed for about one and a half years on a nightly basis. I decided to allow them to continue but as described, at weekends and for mornings only. It was important to them and Dad and I respected this. I just used to get up and let them have some space with Dad - no big deal. I remember them eventually asking me to stay so that I could have some hugs too! They stopped coming to our bed before they started secondary school as they said it wasnt cool anymore. BUT I only let this happen because they were not using coming to the bedroom as a form of manipulation. It was a genuine need and I think they respected me for it. Its was just a very personal family thing that happened. I suppose I didnt mind that much because I let my girls sleep in my bed when I was single too! Kids love sleeping in their parents bed - its a massive safety thing for them. Just modify the rules. I dont think this is what the experts would advise though.. but it worked for us as a family. Whatever you do OP, never mock the child because of this or use it in an arguement. Keep in mind that realistically she will grow out of it. Maybe even have her stop over with a friend firstly/have regular stopovers before the big move in. Take it easy, there is no rush! The promise of sleep overs worked a treat with our boys. Be good to yourselves, Take care, Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
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