Step Kids.

[Silver Wolf]

Is it normal to not want to be close to your step kids. I have no desire to be their mother...they call me mom and that bothers me and I tell them to stop it. I just don't want to get close to them. I deal with them while they are around and thats it. I never say I love them because I don't. I don't hate them, I don't dislike them..I just feel nothing for them.

[anne1707]

You really need to give some more details - their ages, where is there mother, who do the children live with, ie custody arrangements if any.

[Thornton]

I think it's a little odd if your step-kids call you mom, assuming that they don't live with you and they have a biological mother in their lives who they should be calling mom. I could kind of understand it if they live with you or have no mother. What are their living arrangements, and how often are they around? Do you perhaps feel resentful of the kids because of their claim on your husband? Do you not want them to be part of your family, or do you not see them as your family? How do you feel about kids in general - do you like other kids and it's just your step-kids you don't care about, or are you indifferent to children in general?

 

I think if you don't like kids in general, or if you don't see your step-kids much, then it's understandable that you don't love them or see them as part of your family. My bf has kids, but I'm not much interested in kids and I hardly ever see them - they're polite when I do see them occasionally, I send them the occasional gift, but they have a mother already and I hardly know them, so I guess it's understandable that we're not close.

[Lizzie60]

You really need to give some more details - their ages, where is there mother, who do the children live with, ie custody arrangements if any.

 

 

I rather think she needs to get away from these poor kids.. they must feel her 'bitterness' ... I feel sorry for them..

[KikiW]

Silver Wolf, I'm sorry but you need to make an effort with these kids. You chose to be a part of their lives when you chose to be a part of your husband's life. They are a package deal, and to try and separate them from him is dismissing a big part of who he is.

 

These children have seen their parents divorce (presumably). That is painful for any child. How do you think it makes them feel when you are dismissive of them, particularly when they are calling you an affectionate name? You do not have to BE their mom, but like it or not, you are a mother-figure to them.

 

JMHO

[bentnotbroken]

I don't know what the issue is with you and the children, but this isn't a healthy place for them. They will feel your dishonesty and distance. To be told not to call you mom if they feel like you have earned the honor or out of respect...something is way off here. Maybe you really shouldn't be in a relationship where the kids are already there. You don't seem mature enough for that yet.

[Thornton]

Whoah with the criticism... I also wouldn't like someone else's kids calling me mom, regardless of the circumstances. Even if they lived with me and I loved them and we got on ok, I still wouldn't like being called mom. I don't think anyone can criticise that.

 

However, in this case there's obviously an issue with how the OP feels about her step-kids - as I said before, if she hardly sees them it's understandable that she doesn't love them, but otherwise the situation needs some work. I imagine she sees the kids quite a bit since they started calling her mom, so in that case she needs to consider how she feels about them and why she doesn't love them. I think we should be helping the OP assess her feelings rather than criticising them.

[bentnotbroken]

Whoah with the criticism... I also wouldn't like someone else's kids calling me mom, regardless of the circumstances. Even if they lived with me and I loved them and we got on ok, I still wouldn't like being called mom. I don't think anyone can criticise that.

 

However, in this case there's obviously an issue with how the OP feels about her step-kids - as I said before, if she hardly sees them it's understandable that she doesn't love them, but otherwise the situation needs some work. I imagine she sees the kids quite a bit since they started calling her mom, so in that case she needs to consider how she feels about them and why she doesn't love them. I think we should be helping the OP assess her feelings rather than criticising them.

 

 

You go ahead and help her assess. I have seen too many kids hurt by adults who should have never been around them anyway. I'll stick to my original stance. Good luck.

[Thornton]

But telling the OP to dump her marriage doesn't help - firstly she's unlikely to get divorced just because she doesn't love her step-kids, and secondly both she and her husband (and perhaps the kids too) would probably be devastated by such an event. Assuming she's staying in her marriage, I think it would be far more productive to help her sort through her feelings about her step-kids rather than just criticising her and telling her to dump her marriage, which doesn't really solve anything at all.

[Sarita12385]

I've never been in a situation like that before, so not sure how much weight my opinion will hold, however, when you got involved with this person, were you aware that children would be involved? If you are now married and knew all along that kids would be part of your S/O's life...then me personally, I would feel some obligation to take part in their lives. Does your S/O know how you feel?

[2sure]

You knew he was part of a package when you married him. Certainly, you cannot MAKE yourself love them so shouldnt have married the package.

 

But whats done is done. So, you are a grown up and they are children. You are going to have to dig deep and make connections with these kids. If you dont fall in love with them you should at least create a fondness and affection for them. How could you not? If you find yourself remaining indifferent to them, you are just going to have to fake it since this is what you signed up for.

 

Whats really sad here is that the father had to have known you did not love his children and probably just hoped they would grow on you.

[whimsical_memory]

I had a situation similar to this, except that I adored the child at first and later grew to dislike him. When we first met, he was the most adorable kid in the world, polite and well-behaved...however as time went on, he became verbally and physically abusive to my own children.

 

I feel for you OP, because the situation you are in stinks. I don't think you should bail on your marriage -honestly aren't there enough broken homes in the world? You did know that the kids were part of the deal [ I am assuming that your H didn't just spring them on you after you said 'I do'.], and it seems that they feel close enough to you that they are comfortable in calling you 'mom'. You didn't mention how old the children are?

[jasminetea]

I sympathise, but I'd like more details. If they're little kids, then I can't believe its healthy to reject them in quite the way you're doing, however if they're grown........ I know exactly how you feel!

[cyml]

I agree with jasminetea. If they're young kids, you should just suck it up or stop spending time around them. You might not like them, but they are your husband's children and at the end of they day - they are only children.

 

And honestly, from what you wrote, it doesn't seem like you "feel nothing" towards them. It kind of sounds like you don't really like them. After all, you said you didn't want to get close.

[AlektraClementine]

I had a stepmother like this when I was younger. She even told me once (when I was 12) that she would and could never love me. She was bitter woman and I often wondered why she entered into a marriage with my father.

 

It hurt my feelings when she told me this and I felt unwanted in that house. It sucked.

 

BUT - the good news is. I'm fine. Because we had no bond, it really had no long term effect on me. My father finally divorced her and last I heard, she's still bitter.

 

I am a single mom about to enter into marriage with a childless man. He's WONDERFUL with my children. He has made an effort to bond with them. They get along great. I could never marry someone who didn't want to be a real part of my family.

[Silver Wolf]

You really need to give some more details - their ages, where is there mother, who do the children live with, ie custody arrangements if any.

 

 

Their mother parties alot. They live with her and we have them for the summer. My step daughter lies alot and so does my step son. This furiate my husband and he can't understand why they lie all the time. They play their mother against their dad and vice versa. And yes, they call me mom and I have asked them not too. I explained to them that they have their real mom back home.

[Silver Wolf]

I rather think she needs to get away from these poor kids.. they must feel her 'bitterness' ... I feel sorry for them..

 

It's not bitterness at all. I treat them better, provide for them better then their partying mother does. She is into drinking way too much and my husband is fighting for them. What I am saying is I could never accept them as my own children and never love them as my own. I care what happens to them, but I know i will never love them like my own bio child. I guess your not in my shoes so you could never understand. It has nothing to do with bitterness, I am not in competition with any child here. It has to do with I have no desire to love or care for them as if they were my own.

[Silver Wolf]

I don't know what the issue is with you and the children, but this isn't a healthy place for them. They will feel your dishonesty and distance. To be told not to call you mom if they feel like you have earned the honor or out of respect...something is way off here. Maybe you really shouldn't be in a relationship where the kids are already there. You don't seem mature enough for that yet.

 

I am NOT their mother and it has nothing to do with Honor. I am not their mother. I am in a relationship because I love my husband and I am not going anywhere regardless if the children like it or not. Like i said, I provide better for them then their own mother does.

[Silver Wolf]

You knew he was part of a package when you married him. Certainly, you cannot MAKE yourself love them so shouldnt have married the package.

 

But whats done is done. So, you are a grown up and they are children. You are going to have to dig deep and make connections with these kids. If you dont fall in love with them you should at least create a fondness and affection for them. How could you not? If you find yourself remaining indifferent to them, you are just going to have to fake it since this is what you signed up for.

 

Whats really sad here is that the father had to have known you did not love his children and probably just hoped they would grow on you.

 

I have created fondess, but whateverbody or most people on here are getting wrong is...I would never accept them as I would my own bio children..GET IT? has nothing to do with me being immature. I treat them very well, I do things with them, I buy them things..I do more with them then my own husband does...I WILL NEVER LOVE THEM LIKE I WILL MY OWN BIO CHILDREN, I WILL NEVER HAVE THE SAME FEELINGS FOR THEM AS I WILL FOR MY OWN CHILDREN AND I DO NOT WANT THEM CALLING ME MOM BECAUSE I AM NOT THEIR MOTHER,...THEY HAVE ONE ALREADY. GET IT PEOPLE???????

[Silver Wolf]

I had a situation similar to this, except that I adored the child at first and later grew to dislike him. When we first met, he was the most adorable kid in the world, polite and well-behaved...however as time went on, he became verbally and physically abusive to my own children.

 

I feel for you OP, because the situation you are in stinks. I don't think you should bail on your marriage -honestly aren't there enough broken homes in the world? You did know that the kids were part of the deal [ I am assuming that your H didn't just spring them on you after you said 'I do'.], and it seems that they feel close enough to you that they are comfortable in calling you 'mom'. You didn't mention how old the children are?

 

Your one of the few that actually gets it. They are 8 and 10. They lie...all the time. I undestand things are hard for them too. I would never bail on my marriage because of a child...there is no competition there and me and my husband have talked about it and he understands where I am coming from. He said he loves me and understands I care for his children, but he also understands why I would never love them as much as my own bio child. My husband is fully aware because he at one time ( long before me) was in the exact same situation I was in with his old ex-s children from another relationship.

[Lizzie60]

It's not bitterness at all. I treat them better, provide for them better then their partying mother does. She is into drinking way too much and my husband is fighting for them. What I am saying is I could never accept them as my own children and never love them as my own. I care what happens to them, but I know i will never love them like my own bio child. I guess your not in my shoes so you could never understand. It has nothing to do with bitterness, I am not in competition with any child here. It has to do with I have no desire to love or care for them as if they were my own.

 

Gosh.. do I ever feel sorry for those kids..

[Silver Wolf]

I had a stepmother like this when I was younger. She even told me once (when I was 12) that she would and could never love me. She was bitter woman and I often wondered why she entered into a marriage with my father.

 

It hurt my feelings when she told me this and I felt unwanted in that house. It sucked.

 

BUT - the good news is. I'm fine. Because we had no bond, it really had no long term effect on me. My father finally divorced her and last I heard, she's still bitter.

 

I am a single mom about to enter into marriage with a childless man. He's WONDERFUL with my children. He has made an effort to bond with them. They get along great. I could never marry someone who didn't want to be a real part of my family.

 

The only thing i can say is i'm trying. Don't get me wrong, I laugh and joke with them, I do things with them but it's not helping me at all. It makes no difference to me if they are there or not. They have their mother and their father and one day I will have my own children to love. I have talked to my husband about it and he totally understands as he was in a situation. He said as long as I treat his children good thats all that matters and I do. I take them shopping as well, but when they go back home to mom i'm not sad in the least, when they come around it makes no difference to me. They are there or they are not.

[2sure]

My current H loves my daughter as his own. To be honest, this amzes me and I am grateful for it because I just really didnt think that someone loving another person's child as their own was possible.

 

But he does. Could I do it? I like to think so, but who can say for sure?

 

So, you dont love the children as much as your own. And now - your husband is fighting to have them come live with you full time.

It doesnt sound like you simply dont love them as much as your own...it sounds like you dont want them.

[blind_otter]

I dunno. I don't love my step son as my own son, that would be impossible to me. I carried my son for 9 months and pushed him out of my body with no drugs. I do attachment parenting, I am with my son 24/7. I met my SS when he was 7 years old. I never carried him in my body, I never nursed him from my breast.

 

But, I do love him. In our own way. It's a different bond. We've even talked about it. Sometimes I call him my "bonus son". We love each other, but not the same way he loves his mom, or the way I love his younger brother.

 

I can understand your ambivalence. My SS came to live with us fulltime last spring. It was a bad situation. His mother abandoned him, basically, and he is troubled and hurting because of his past. It is hard. Hard to have to parent a child(ren) who has been parented in ways you disagree with, or not parented at all in some ways. My SS had never cut his fingernails or toenails before he moved here - his mother let them grow until they broke off, or until he bit them off.

 

Anyways, I encourage you to see a family therapist. It has helped me work through my helpless rage at my SS's bio-mom. Once I started working on that, my heart opened up very much toward SS.

[missdependant]

Their father sounds like a moron for marrying you. His kids should come first! He should be looking for a woman who will have respect for his kids, and who will put some effort into getting to know them and treating them with dignity. It's understandable if you don't want them calling you mom.. but CHOOSING to be with a man who has kids and not being willing to put forth some effort into forming a POSITIVE, healthy relationship with his kids or including them in your family? That sounds like a pretty horrendous situation for those kids. I feel for them.