Question: Why to have kids?

[redfathom]

I am on the fence about having kid's, but mostly do not want to have a child. I love children and have seven nieces and nephews I adore and I admire anyone who wants to have and raise children. It's very noble. But I will admit that it's not for everyone and that is okay too.

 

My husband wants kids, but he hasn't given me any good reasons as to why. Well, in my opinion, or at least anything to convince me 100% to have kids. I also have a hereditary desiease I worry about passing on to any child we have!

 

I told my husband I would pick up three books: "I'm okay, you're a brat", "The Mask of Motherhood", and one more aruging the reasons to have kids.

 

Any suggestions on the third book I should puchase?

 

Also, can you give me reasons why you chose to have kids and honest opionions about what it's like?

 

I know this is a personal topic and I don't want anyone to be offended. I know if I had a child that I would love it unconditionally, but fear losing myself, and also have fear about the stress and worry I would experience over the child.

 

How do you cope with being a parent?

 

Maybe my clock just hasn't started ticking, or maybe I don't have one, I don't want to feel guilty because I don't want to have children. Because I would feel guilty bringing a child into the world that I didn't truly want or wasn't prepared for. Either way I know I am headed for guilt and regret, and would like to minimize it.

Here are some reasons I found on Wikipedia for woman/couples who stay "Childfree":

 

Lack of desire for children

 

• Lack of a compelling reason to have children[7]
  
• General dislike of the behavior of children[7]
  
• Seeing the effects of children on family/friends[7]
  
• Lack of maternal/paternal instincts[8]
  
• Unwillingness to conform to the obligations of socially defined gender roles
  
• Contentment with enjoyment of pets[7]
  
• A general dislike or fear of children or youth
  

Personal environment and advancement

 

• Not wanting to sacrifice privacy/personal space for children[7]
  
• Not wanting to sacrifice time for children[8]
  
• Not wanting to commit to increased financial responsibility or burden[7] Or unable to afford the costs.
  
• Belief that childbearing would reduce career advancement
  
  • Fear of loss of employment or health insurance, for instance because of lack of parental leave
    

  [*]Belief that parenthood will be disliked

  [*]Belief that maintaining a certain level of emotional intimacy and physical intimacy with partner will not be possible with the presence of children[7]

  [*]Perceived or actual incapacity to be a responsible and patient parent

  [*]Maintaining freedom of personal choice

  [*]Prefer to maintain ability to change career or city of residence at short notice (spontaneous mobility)

Physical and health concerns

 

• Concern for safety of parent or child
  
  • The risk that an existing medical condition, such as diabetes, depression or the development of ectopic pregnancy could result in a dangerous or difficult pregnancy, or difficulty in raising the child
    
  • Fear of maternal or infant mortality
    
  • Concern that the child would inherit a hereditary disease
    
  • Low availability of high quality and affordable childcare
    
  • Fear and/or revulsion towards the physical condition of pregnancy, the childbirth experience, and recovery (for example the erosion of physical desirability).
    
  • Fear of child abuse or domestic violence.
    

Belief that it is a generous act not to bring more people into the world

 

• Belief that one can make a greater contribution to humanity through one's work than through having children
  
• Belief that people tend to have children for the wrong reasons
  
• Belief that it is wrong to bring a child into the world if the child is unwanted
  
• Concern regarding environmental impacts such as overpopulation, pollution, and resource scarcity[7]
  
• Belief that if both parents choose their careers over parenting a baby, it is not good parenting and/or fair to a child, or believing that their particular career would prevent them from being a good parent
  
• Antinatalism, including the belief that it is inherently immoral to bring people into the world
  
• A sense of realism about the negative, competitive, declining condition of the world and culture and not subjecting a child to those negative conditions
  
• Concerns that calamitous events (e.g., global warming effects, war, or famine) might be likely to occur within the lifetime of one's children and cause their suffering and/or death
  

Here is the direct link...

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Childfree

[blind_otter]

If you don't want kids, you don't want kids. I don't think there is any convincing that can go on one way or another....

 

Does your H realize how much his personal life will be curtailed by a child? I mean, they don't call it "baby jail" for nothing - the first year of a child's life is very intense. And the truth is, it doesn't get any easier - just challenging in different ways. He probably wants kids, but wants you to watch them....

 

I say find someone who will let him watch their toddler overnight. Then see how bad he wants to procreate after that.......

[donnamaybe]

If you don't want kids, it's kind of hard to tell you why someone else would. And taking care of someone else's kid isn't emotionally ANYTHING like having your own, so don't go by that.

 

The first time I held my first child in my arms and cried for joy at the feelings the experience invoked, I understood at last.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Firstly I think trying to re-train yourself to want children, would be a mistake, unless you are only held back by fear.

 

I am not a mother but i'll just explain my family background. My mother never wanted children, was married from the age of 21 and had me and my brother later in life. She gave up her job to look after us and had severe health problems with both of us (we were both premature). My mother was told by the midwife she was given us special, vulnerable babies, because God knew she could care.

 

Some reasons I think people want children:

 

* to continue their family bloodline and add to their family

* to establish a nuclear family or complete a family; mother/father/children

* an outlet for love

* security

* desire to teach/raise a person to contribute positivily to humanity

* natural instincts

* to feel 'fulfilled' as a woman

[Trialbyfire]

Plse, for the love of all you hold dear, DON'T have kids if you don't want them!

[georgejungle]

i agree. you know whether you DO or DON'T want kids.

 

You can't do it to make a marriage stronger OR because you

"think" you should.

 

You gotta deal with diapers, lots and lots (and LOTS) of sleepless nights

and it's a full time job in itself. Do it because you actually want children

because once you do, you're life is not your own anymore. Your life

is your kids.

[redfathom]

I have a small want of children, but I also want a good reason to have children.

 

Example: I want a 5,000 square foot house on 4 acre's and if I won the lottery (the only way I could afford such a house) I would still consider the electric bill and water bill before I bought one. Let's say that I had won just enough to but the house but didn't make enough to pay all of the bills I would have, then I would consider getting a smaller house for less money and using that money to help pay for the bills (which would also be less).

 

Does that make sense?

 

I would still consider the "costs" of having kids over my "want" to have kids. I know it wouldn't make my marriage srtonger. My sisters always tell me they don't think I will ever have kids. But they had kids young...

[Isolde]

If the health thing is a big concern, which is understandable, you should definitely consider adoption. The other nice thing about adoption is you can put it off for ten or so years by which point you might very well want kids! Adoption isn't some sort of "altruistic" backup for people who are unable to have children, it's a totally viable option, for those that want kids.

[redfathom]

I told my husband I would be more willing to adopt an older child (like 6) then have a baby, babies make me nervous. Plus I think that is when kids really startt obe come fun and you can do a lot with them, hiking, camping, sports, etc. I also know that time flies when you have a child so having a baby of our own, we wouldn't have to "wait" to long.

[Star Gazer]

I have a small want of children, but I also want a good reason to have children.

 

If you truly feel you need a reason, a justification, to have children, then you should NOT have them. Period. The desire for motherhood is innate. You either have it, or you don't. You may want to wait until you're "ready," but if you want them, even someday, you know it deep down in your bones. I really don't think you can convince yourself otherwise.

 

You need to communicate this very clearly to your H. He needs to know that if he stays in this relationship, he will likely not have children... and that if he does, it will be with someone who's begrudgingly having them.

[Isolde]

SG, a lot of people do change their mind about having kids for no apparent reason. It's NOT as black and white as you make it seem. The important thing is that when you decide, you better be darn sure the passion and commitment for parenting are there to stay!

[TwinkletOes26]

this is interesting im wondering about why ppl have kids too. Im 27 and still have no desire to have kids...

[Star Gazer]

SG, a lot of people do change their mind about having kids for no apparent reason. It's NOT as black and white as you make it seem. The important thing is that when you decide, you better be darn sure the passion and commitment for parenting are there to stay!

 

And you know this, how? You're SO young, and childless... right? While I haven't had a child either, I know of not one person who did NOT want to have children and wound up a happy parent with happy children.

[Isolde]

Because I know a lot of people that didn't want to have kids in their 20s and did in their thirties? Also, some people are indifferent (NOT opposed to! indifferent!) to kids, have a spouse that wants them and end up being happy as soon as pregnancy occurs.

 

Look, I'm young, but I don't live in a vacuum. No need to make me feel stupid.

[blind_otter]

I told my husband I would be more willing to adopt an older child (like 6) then have a baby, babies make me nervous. Plus I think that is when kids really startt obe come fun and you can do a lot with them, hiking, camping, sports, etc. I also know that time flies when you have a child so having a baby of our own, we wouldn't have to "wait" to long.

 

You can do all that stuff with a baby, btw. I do, anyways. We went to Kentucky for a week and went on 4 hour hikes into Daniel Boone National Forest to see some waterfalls and a few geological sites. It was cool and my 9 month old did just fine, though his Dad had to carry him in the baby carrier. He was even pleasant during the 11 hour drive there and back.

 

We take him to his Dad's soccer games and he goes on 3-6 mile walks with me every day. We're planning a camping trip to the Withlacoochee State Forest in the next month or so, and my son isn't even walking yet. I just tote him around with me wherever I go, at this point.

 

Newborns are fragile, infants - well you can carry them around like a sack of potatoes. I do agree that my son wasn't so "fun" for the first 2 months of his life, but I was so in love with him it didn't matter.

 

My sister (who is having her 4th baby in a month) said that it is never really the "right time" to have a baby. You can plan and try to make sure everything is in place, but if you try to think about it purely with logic - you'll never have a baby.

[Trialbyfire]

From the perspective of cost/benefit, there are no benefits to having children. There's absolutely no logical or rational reason to have them. It's an emotional desire, to want to nurture someone(s), for the rest of your life.

[jerbear]

What about:

• Legacy
  
• Family name
  
• "keeping up with the Jones"
  
• Got another (choose one or all) tax deduction, entitlement check, got nothing else better to do.
  

[redfathom]

SG, I don't know if I should not have them because I need a reason. I think it's responsible to need a reason to have kids. My sister got pregnant at 16, then got married and had two kids. She had three should couldn't take care of and my mom and other sister had to help out a lot with them. Then my middle sister got pregnant and was getting a lot of attention. My older sister got married and her new husbands mother got cancer, she decided they should have a baby (keep in mind they are still stuggling to take care of the other three) so he could have his own kid.

 

Now two years later divorce has been brought up and for the first year of the babies life he was hardly around (put drinking late and such). So she had a reason, to continue his bloodline and name, but at the time it really wasn't a good idea. She also did it for the attention. Her two middle kids are 7 and 10 and can barely read, why, because she "doesn't have time to sit and help them."

 

Would it be fair to have a child under those circumstances because I wanted one deep down to my bones? Wanting a child does not equal being a good parent.

 

Also, I did communicate it to my H, a year or so ago, I told him I didn't think i would ever want kids and asked him if he was okay with that and that if he wasn't I wouldn't hold him back from being happy and he should find someone who has the same wants that he does. He told me he married me, and not because he wanted a baby, but because he wanted me.

 

Blind, yes, I was talking to my dad about this. He use to take us to do all sorts fo things when we were little. An woman I know said "Once you have a baby, you will wonder why you waited so long".

 

I guess with my not so great childhood, and my husbands even worse childhood, and seeing my nieces and nephews who have a horrible childhood, I just question if it's good for the child...

 

School's are dangerous now, the climate is in trouble, predators seem to be growing in numbers, drugs and violance are no longer vilified...the list could go on. It just seems so dangerous to have a child.

[Eve]

I was put off children after babysitting my three nephews and niece... never thought I would be a mother and mostly enjoy being one.

 

In retrospect, one factor above all has struck me as being evidence of my being a good Mother before I knew it myself and this was that children have always liked me a lot. Do children generally like you? If so you may have the underlying mechanisms in place to cope with all the scenarios that you are so carefully considering.

 

.. but I am not sure if you will find a definitive statement which will convince you to have a child

 

Pregnancy is scary and beautiful. Childbirth is totally amazing and changed my life for the better. But kids are a worry, especially the teenage years. Do what you feel is right. Parenthood is a journey but you dont have to be a Mommy.

 

On a superficial note, I think that the fab range of childrens clothes that are available on the Highstreet are reason enough to push one out! The 'Monsoon' childrens clothing range is simply to die for! The 'Next' range is super, super fabulous too!

 

Cant wait to be a Grandma one day.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[redfathom]

Eve, yes, kids like me and love spending time with my nieces and nephews. I am comfortable with them and have fun. I take my nieces and nephwes, ice skating, to baseball games, to movies, riding their bikes, etc. I like being goofy and that let's them act like themselves.

 

I worked with my sister to get my neice ice skating lessons, I bought her the skates in return. I picked her up every time and also took her lunch afterwards.

 

The last time I took the kids anywhere it was to the movies, then lunch, and to the bookstore where I let them each pick out $20 of books (the ones that have trouble reading, hoping to get them interested in it). I also read the books to them.

 

I think I am maternal, to some extent. Stupid example: Hubby and I were driving after getting lunch and he was eating a sandwhich in the car. A car jumped out in front of us causing me to slam on the breaks, I flung my arm out in front of him (instinct) to protect him. Haha, I hit his arm and the sandwhich into his face!

 

I also make sure my nieces and nephews drink water (not soda) when I take then out to eat, sit in the back seat, and never leave my parking space until they are buckled in...

 

My nephew was running around being loud one time and everyone was telling him to stop. He also kept running on the plants. I sat him down and told him that plants were alive and that they were trying to go to sleep (maybe this was wrong), it got him to stop running on them and to quitly whisper "goodnight" to them as we ran around.

[Eve]

Well you certainly have something! You sound lovely to be around!

 

Regarding the illness which could be passed on, I have a condition too.. essentially I know that I am going to die one day. Its always about quality of life honey. If you can love the child and its existence is not going to be a painful demise.. have your baby.

 

Children are a gift but only have them if you have heart big enough to put them first. Life can still be good without children I am sure but do consider whether you will regret not having them.

 

Would the world be a better place with another little redfathom running around?

 

There is an unexplainable element to becoming a Parent,.. even when one is pregnant it all doesnt sink in. The birth is simply awesome and then when one thinks back you cant remember what it was like before they came along!! It is amazing!

 

Whatever you decide, be kind with yourself.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Els]

And you know this, how? You're SO young, and childless... right? While I haven't had a child either, I know of not one person who did NOT want to have children and wound up a happy parent with happy children.

 

When I posted my thread about the differences in opinion my SO and I had on children, there were a significant number of posters (at least 4), who replied saying that they didn't want to have children earlier but changed their minds later on when they actually had one.

[redfathom]

My condition is painful, basically by brain is/was beign crushed my by skull and damaging my nerves (actually it was so bad that my brain was being pushed into my spinal column). I was lucky to get *treatment* young, but the conditon causes dibiliating headaches, and can eventually cause paralysis.

 

It's scary and I have been lucky!

 

Last night I was watching "Bones" and the main character asked a greiving brother who's sister was murdered (that he basically raised) why he did raised her, and would he do it again knowing the pain he is now in. He said, "If I would give my life to save her, why would I be afarid to sacrafice my happiness for her".

 

Eve, the birth scares the h*ll out of me, but given my condition I would most likley need a c-section! Which seems less scary, but of course has more risk.

[Eve]

Giving birth isnt even funny.. I cant sweeten that pill. Still at least it is memorable.. All I can say is, God Bless the person who came up with the idea of epidurals..

 

I suppose you both must have researched all the risks already.

 

Parenthod is a massive choice for someone who is well, nevermind somone who has to live with certain levels of pain like yourself. I have an inclusive view of disablement from my professional life so would not automatically say 'no' to the whole idea. With this situation I suppose I feel the same way as I do about older parents - its ok as long as one can compensate in some way towards some of the negatives. For example, good levels of fitness could compensate with older parents. If you could pass away earlier than what would be expected then this could be highly disturbing for a child because time spent with the parent really is the greatest gift to give to a little person beyond all the material stuff. If you still have a long life ahead, then it wil be practical things like ensuring you can afford help around the house/have good support etc. SO, disability should not be the overall focus unless it will in some way detrimentally affect the child. Sounds like the little one may also have to have procedures like you did.

 

How do you feel about that?

 

.. Still it is a natural thing to consider whether one should do the whole parenting thing - whoever you are. Its the same for everyone -if the gut feeling is a 'no' then dont do it.

 

This is a very sensitive topic and I hope that I have not offended you in any way.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[LovieDove24]

Your husband does not need to have a "reason" for why he wants kids. He does not need to convince you that you should want them either. Quite frankly these things should have been addressed before the wedding bells were ringing.

 

To want to have kids is often a deep, emotional longing, and often instinctual. Therefore it is hard to explain and it most certainly cannot be reasoned into existance through things as trivial as tax cuts, cute clothes and the like. Because these things will be overridden if the emotional desire to take care of another human life is not there.

 

If you don't feel it in your bones, if you have to make lists and read books and go on a forum to convince yourself of why you should have kids, you are not ready. Period. It doesn't mean you never will be but you most certainly are not right now. An aunt of mine had always sworn shed never have kids and for some reason when she hit 37 the whole ballgame changed. Babies was all she had on the brain.

 

In the meantime, I HIGHLY suggest you and your husband go to counseling to address this issue pronto. These types of rifts make or break a marriage.

 

I am curious, if you were to find out you were pregnant today (by accident of course) what kind of decision would you make?