xela Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 Our 14 year old daughter has always had no problem with making friends, from pre-school onwards. She is now in her second year at high school, and she seems to be getting into some difficulties. She finds herself alone in between the geeky girls and the cool girls. She doesnt want to play "chase" in the playground with the geeks, but neither does she want to stalk around shopping malls, looking at shoes and handbags. She is friendly to boys in a natural way, rather than ignoring them or acting girly. She had one girl in her new class who she was close to, but that girl has now started going off in breaks with another girl, telling my daughter that "has something private to talk about". My daughter is left with no-one to talk to at breaks, and she is changing from loving school to not wanting to go. She enjoys the classes, but dreads the break times. She is a good-looking, friendly girl, but she can be shy and quiet when she meets people at first, so it is easy to understand how other girls might not immediately take to her. As parents, we feel powerless. Other than supporting her at home, we feel that we can't do anything. Does anyone have any ideas? Should we mention this to her class teacher? We worry that it could start like this, then go on to become a really big issue in 6 months, and we might wish that we had been more proactive in the early stages. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 is she slim? Do big boobs run in your family because that would make her popular. I think your just going to have to let her sort this one out after all its only been like 2 months of HS she'll make a friend(s) maybe you could sign her up for a team activity like cheerleading or volley ball and she'd make friends that way Link to post Share on other sites
Author xela Posted September 30, 2008 Author Share Posted September 30, 2008 She's slim, and she has boobs........ for what it's worth! She is in her second year - that's the way it is in our part of the world (Europe). Yes, she plays a sport - hockey. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 slim/boobs/plays a team sport... does not compute does not compute... I really don't know why she has no friends. I never had that many friends in HS and once my group of friends went on a trip that I didn't have a chance to go on and I literaly had to wander around the break myself friendless probably even harder for a girl Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 First, tell your daughter to act like she doesn't care that these girls leave her out. That will drive them crazy. It sounds like jealousy to me. Also does she have any friends outside of school? Like church or kids of friends of yours? If so, invite them over for weekend get togethers so your daughter will feel she is part of a group of friends until those nut jobs she goes to school with recognize what an awesome friend she would be. Link to post Share on other sites
ed-205 Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 Kids at that age begin to form "cliques" where boys and girls of similar lifestyles tend to hang together, and also tend to think that "other" types simply don't belong with them. It can be pretty devastating, especially for a girl. For myself, I was involuntarily sorted into the group of people who refused to satisfy the requirements necessary to join a clique, and spent a lot of time alone. I actually preferred it that way, and spent my free time at school working in the Art department with special permission from my teachers. Through my Artwork, I earned the *respect* of the kids in the cliques, but not exactly their "friendship". My real friends went to other schools (I generally met them through working part-time after school), and they are the ones that I spent most of my free time with. My sister was another matter. She was at first distressed that she didn't "fit-in" with the others, but in time learned that as long as she remained true to herself that others would appreciate her for who she was, and not because of who she knew. By the time she graduated, she was quite popular among everyone in the school, and not just a chosen few BFFs. Tell your daughter to "be herself", and maybe spend her spare time focusing on the subjects she enjoys. Eventually, she will meet others like herself. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 tell her to go hang out with the kids who work on the campus paper or yearbook staff. That turned out to be my niche in college, because the people there had varied interests, and kinda were tuned into everyone! sounds like because she doesn't easily fit one of the labels schoolkids are bad about giving each other, she's having a hard time being part of certain groups. Maybe it's time to start looking at outside activities (like her sports) and befriending people from that particular world simply because she'd have more in common with a fellow athlete than the ones who hang out at the mall, you know? LOL – or she can always get involved with Yearbook Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 As parents, we feel powerless. Other than supporting her at home, we feel that we can't do anything. Does anyone have any ideas? Should we mention this to her class teacher? We worry that it could start like this, then go on to become a really big issue in 6 months, and we might wish that we had been more proactive in the early stages. The most important thing is that she is telling you what she is going through. As Ronnie pointed out to me in another thread (in a round-about-way) - use this as an opportunity to share with your daughter your own values and experiences - the funny times and the hard times. My youngest daughter turns 14 in a few days time and she has had some difficulties too with girls in her year who start off as friends and then play mind games. Hubby and I have been actively helping our daughter to remain open and not close herself off because of these experiences because in the real world these types of characters do exist and it is important to know how to deal with different people. I can only echo what others have said with regard to your daughter developing interests inside and outside of School as a means to build on her own character and increase the chances of her making new friends. Its nearly over now.. friendships are transitory for children until they hit around about the age that your daughter is. Its hard seeing them unhappy isnt it? Think back to your own childhood, maybe that will help you to keep in mind that these times pass. I hope that they pass quickly for you all. I for one would speak to a Teacher about the situation if the School is usually very responsive - it may help in the long run. Keep talking.. Best of luck xx Link to post Share on other sites
xjohnsgirlx Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 I never really had many friends in highschool, i was stuck between the groups like your daughter at the start and things only just got worse. I was never close with my parents so they never knew what was going on. I use to beg them to let me change schools but they didnt understand why. I hated school in the end and was glad to finish. I recommend that you ask your girl what she wants. Make her happy, because memorys from school do stay with you forever. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 She plays hockey- but has not developed any friendships out of this? That's a bit surprising as I found that playing sports in highschool was a common element that broke down the barriers of cliques. I was a rebellious pot smoking rocker chick- not a typical jock... but I played baseball and basketball as a starter.... and I found that being part of a team negated most of the social associations that existed outside of the team. There were Preps, Rockers, Punkers and Jocks all working toward a common goal... yet off the court or the field, these groups clashed. I was able to avoid that because we formed unique friendships through our team mate status. There is nothing worse than feeling alienated at that age in a highschool setting. Does she have other interests outside Hockey? Could she join another social group, like Art, Drama, Math? It stands to reason that she isn't the only girl who wishes to avoid the usual cliques, but being shy may make it difficult to connect with those people. I don't think it's wrong to speak with her guidance counsellor- as long as other kids don't find out about it... That could put her in a position to get picked on. Kids are cruel. It must be frustrating to see your daughter struggling in this way. the truth of the matter is, that most "unique" individuals thrive post highschool, that's when they come into their own. Although that is of little consolation with what she is experiencing in the present. What about the highschool theatre group- there are plenty of roles both on stage and off that she could partake in. I think it's a matter of her finding something and joining an activity she loves doing- that's where she will find people with common interests. As parents, you can't find friends for her- she has to do this herself. It's great she can open up to you about this, because it means she will take your guidance and suggestions seriously. I didn't tell my parents anything about my fears. Finding a new hobby or interest - especially groups that meet during breaks might help to allieviate her discomfort about being alone during breaks. SOme kids just take a little longer to find their niche than others. This is why your support and eagerness to help is invaluable in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
foreverlove06 Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 Our 14 year old daughter has always had no problem with making friends, from pre-school onwards. She is now in her second year at high school, and she seems to be getting into some difficulties. She finds herself alone in between the geeky girls and the cool girls. She doesnt want to play "chase" in the playground with the geeks, but neither does she want to stalk around shopping malls, looking at shoes and handbags. She is friendly to boys in a natural way, rather than ignoring them or acting girly. She had one girl in her new class who she was close to, but that girl has now started going off in breaks with another girl, telling my daughter that "has something private to talk about". My daughter is left with no-one to talk to at breaks, and she is changing from loving school to not wanting to go. She enjoys the classes, but dreads the break times. She is a good-looking, friendly girl, but she can be shy and quiet when she meets people at first, so it is easy to understand how other girls might not immediately take to her. As parents, we feel powerless. Other than supporting her at home, we feel that we can't do anything. Does anyone have any ideas? Should we mention this to her class teacher? We worry that it could start like this, then go on to become a really big issue in 6 months, and we might wish that we had been more proactive in the early stages. Hey Xela, I just saw that you responded to my latest post...And then I happened to come across one of yours! I am in my third year of college, and your daughter sounds EXACTLY like me in highschool. I did my own thing, had a few close friends to talk to, but that was it.. I was actually nominated for "Most Shy" in my senior class, so really... I understand how she feels. It takes A LOT of effort for me to open myself up to others, particularly in highschool where everything is about popularity, who has the best clothes, the most friends, etc. I still struggle with social anxiety, but not as bad... I have been on medication for anxiety/social anxiety several times in my life. Its a constant struggle, but highschool was the worst. I felt completely ignored and unlike any of the other girls. They can be SO mean/catty in highschool, and i never wanted to be a part of that, and it sounds like your daughter is the same. I know as a parent it must be painful to watch, I remember my parents talking me through it and helping me as best they could. I know its hard for her now, but it does get better... At least for me it did. Toward my junior year, I really didnt care! I went to school, did what I had to do, talked to a select few and came home. See if she can join any type of clubs/groups outside of school.... I joined an art class, and while I actually didnt make many friends in it, It shed some positive light on my life because I was good at it and it was seperate from school. If she has found even one good friend like I did, then thats all she really needs to get through it...Just remind her that it will get better, because I have been there. Best of luck to her (and you) Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 Hum.. this is not easy for you and her I guess.. but since she's close to you.. tell her to be independant.. it could take a little while but she will find someone she can relate to.. she doesn't need tons of 'fake' friends.. she only need one or two good ones. Tell her to be friendly with all the cliques without getting involved with anyone of them.. she will eventually be respected for being the 'cool' chick and they will approach her.. just tell her that she just need to be independant, confident... and she can do this as a 'test' kind of a 'study' about teen behavior (a fun challenge) and see where it goes. My daughter has never been the 'popular' chick in HS .. she was extremely independant.. she was 'renowned' for her intelligence and her beauty.. she had a few close friends (from grade school)... and tons of 'acquaintances'... she was well respected at school. She never had a bf in HS.. she wasn't even looking at them.. she thought they were such 'bébé lala'.. she was too mature for them.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xela Posted October 1, 2008 Author Share Posted October 1, 2008 Thanks to all. I really appreciate your feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 Thanks to all. I really appreciate your feedback. And I appreciate your problems keep em comming I'll solve them really, throw me something a little more dificult like that thing you've been worying about for a while Link to post Share on other sites
preeya_WT Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 Firstly ask with your daughter abt her problems. it might be she is under pressure of exam. If she is feeling such type of problem just help her:mad: Link to post Share on other sites
preeya_WT Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 Firstly ask your daughter abt her problem. It might be possible she is underpressure of exam. Than help her. Link to post Share on other sites
Riley Freeman Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 no friends? great.......now she can focus on her studies and when she graduate she aint got to live at home and go through the struggles that somebody like myself goes through i had tons of people to hang with, seems like it got me nowhere tell her bury her face in a book beacuse sucess after high school will be all worth it... Link to post Share on other sites
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