Transitioning my children .....

[ConfusedCuddleBug]

Need some input the "rights or wrongs" of transitioning my children to another state.

 

My son is in High School and daughter is in Junior High. Both are aware of the move, of course. We have visited the new area several times. Schools, parks, activities, education and definitely a more positive family oriented environment. This move takes us from West Coast to Midwest.

 

How can I go about as a mother to adjust my children for, during and with the move ?? I am trying to do this with all the positive pyschological guidance I can to help them transition through this.

 

My daughter has indicated of being "scared", as she will not know anyone and having to make new friends. Son, I know he also feels the same as my daughter does, even though he doesn't seem to reflect that emotion more openly, is more apt to the move.

 

Both of my children has indicated of "if you are happy mom, we are happy"..... but being me of who I am, my children's happiness counts too.

[Ronni_W]

Confused, it sounds like you are already doing a heckuva lot to help them make the adjustment.

 

From the other side, may I caution about your own concerns and anxieties being conveyed to them...and thus becoming theirs, too. Not sure, but there is something that is OVER protective, that is also coming through. I know that's a fine line, though.

 

There is a part of moving definitely is a scary thing BUT it's also a great opportunity for them to have new growth experiences that may not be present in your current area -- they need to hear about and sense the positives in greater quantity than "I'm really really afraid of screwing you guys up because of this move", if you see what I mean? (Not that you are saying that out loud, but it does feel as if it could be part of your inner landscape...thoughts and 'vibe'.)

 

After a month or three, you will have the info you need to make then-current assessments as to what is needed to support and encourage them to thrive in their new community. If indications call for it, maybe something 'big' like organizing a picnic or whatever, and invite all families from one or both of their classes?

 

Like I said, you've already done a great deal of positive stuff -- just keep doing what you are doing (as I'm sure you fully intend to ). Sending best wishes for a smooth move and hugely positive outcomes for all of you.

 

 

PS - Just though about perhaps trying to explore your daughter's feeling of "scared" with goal of minimizing that -- point out her positive qualities, ease with which she relates to others, etc. Or, would she like some help with self-confidence, age-appropriate resources on 'how to get people to like you in 90 seconds or less', etc.?

Again, best wishes.

[ConfusedCuddleBug]

Hi Ronni,

 

Thank you and appreciate the insight. Truly.

 

Now that you had mentioned it...yes, I am a "worried" mom more than I can count. I totally agree with you too that it "could be part of my inner landscape, thoughts and vibes" of the situation .... thinking it may also reiterate subconsciously towards my children unbeknownst to me during my conversations of trying to justify the move too....? Something I will have to work on for myself.

 

I know people tend to say children are resilient to changes, life and such...but, its not like its an easy transition of just picking up your child and "let's deal with it" type of situation either. I definitely do keep in mind of their age now and not want to startle them too much of "change", even though they know for a fact, I normally have their best interest at all times.

 

Btw .... love the Andy Warhol quote .... had recently helped my son finish his final exam project on Warhol too. How ironic.

[Ronni_W]

I know people tend to say children are resilient to changes, life and such...but, its not like its an easy transition of just picking up your child and "let's deal with it"

Reaching back into my memory bank...I think for the kids, sometimes it is EXACTLY as easy as "let's deal with it" -- or maybe more along, "Yeah, mom, SURE we can deal with it! Why on earth couldn't we deal with it?"

 

Maybe kids give their parents too much credit??? (Hhmmm...that is a new thought.) But. I really think that kids DO believe something like "with mom on our side, we ARE invincible" - at least to a far greater degree, than lesser.

 

Looking back at my own (childhood) life transitions, it was my mom's usually unexpressed fears and anxieties that led me to doubt our ability to successfully deal with ANYthing that life threw at us.

It's that 'vibe' thing that kids totally do sense and respond to on an emotional/energetic level.

 

Short background: Dad died when I was 13 and, as a result, we moved to another country about 18 months later. Brother and I survived with a WHOLE lot less support and understanding from our adults (than your kids are getting from you) -- the blissful ignorance of youth DOES make one 'braver' and more resilient than their grown-up counterparts. I really think that.

 

(I know little of Warhol, other than I like this quote -- but yes, that is rather a 'syncronicity', isn't it?)

[Ronni_W]

Or maybe it's not "too much credit" as just pure, unconditional trust -- mom (and/or dad) would never seriously and purposely consider anything that would not be in our best interest, or that would be too terribly traumatic for us.

 

But then, you're right -- maybe it is about you recognizing what they already have -- the move will be challenging but it is being indicated as the 'good and proper' thing for us at this time.

 

Best o' luck!

[ConfusedCuddleBug]

Hi Ronni,

 

I attended MC today and I admit she did not provide the feedback you definitely had. Thanks again

 

Although, she did indicate to carefully monitor and/or "watch" my children through this time of transitioning as I would not want them involved with the wrong crowd of "friends", since they're not only changing household, environment, schools and friends, but wanting that instant "belonging" and "peer pressure" from others.

 

I hope that I can continue to instill the positiveness but "carefree, oh everything will be great" attitude, of course.

 

From your story, you had definitely went through alot emotionally. What with your father and having to move to a different country, (let alone a different state for me), did you become distant from others as a child? Introverted at any time in your life and family pressure? Withdrawn?

 

The thing with me goes back from my mother. She moved us (brother & I) to the U.S. and since then, she had become or should I say still is an angry woman within and honestly was never much of a support factor for us emotionally. My mother always looked at life negatively, which my brother does too now (sad) ... so, in this instant, I am not wanting to repeat history of what I had went through with her.

 

I was never shown much affection as a child through adulthood .... so, I guess that is another reason, I think ... I am trying so overly hard at times to keep my children from experiencing of what I had went through. Not that I would want to be claustrophic-ing them either. Bad sign that would be.

 

Leaving this week with my children again to the Midwest to check with a property, school adminstrators and what-nots that needs to be situated before our move by August. (sigh)

 

I was told the winter months are worse to deal with in the Midwest then what I am going through with having to transition my kids emotionally. I had disagreed with that, as I would take ANY winter months, as long as my kids are going/will be transitioning in a positive direction.

 

At times I feel the huge "cramp" in the pit of my chest of having to "gulp" all this in and looking at it in ways of ... am I doing this right or not and not looking at it in ways of my own selfish needs possibly.

 

O' the many sleepless nights. Thank you for the "luck" ...

[Ronni_W]

... so, in this instant, I am not wanting to repeat history of what I had went through with her.

CuddleBug,

You are NOT angry within, you DON'T have a negative outlook, and you ALREADY offer positive emotional support to your kids! From what I'm reading, it would be okay for you to let go of your fear of "being like [your] mom" -- there is just nothing to indicate that is EVER going to happen. Let it go, release it, eliminate it. When it comes to these things, you aren't like her at all

 

Of course there would have to be some of your own needs and desires going into the decision to move -- they may even have initiated thoughts thereof. But it is just my guess that you would not have taken that first thought this far, if there was any deep-inside voice saying that this would be totally 'wrong & inappropriate & destructive' for the kids.

Again, that is just my sense and interpretation of what and how you're posting.

 

 

Between brother and me, I am more extroverted, he is more intro -- with or without major life trauma I think it would always have been thus. So, yes, in any event we were going to deal with life's ups and downs differently; we developed separate (positive & negative) coping skills.

I would guess it will be the same for your kids.

 

A major part that parents seem to forget -- I just had this convo with my Mom a few days ago -- is that they are quite powerless, ultimately, in how their kids will respond/react to their own life experiences.

I joked that what it really comes down to, is parents pretending to themselves that they actually can "protect" their offspring from (the kids' own) Soul Purpose and Life Lessons.

 

I think it must be the ultimate (spiritual) 'Surrender' -- I cannot stop my children from being what they were born to be, from experiencing what they were meant to experience.

Which isn't so bad when that is "doctor" or "astronaut"...but quite another thing when it is "drug dealer" or "teen mom" . But really, parents are helpless at preventing any of it, or making it happen, for that matter.

 

I don't know if you will ever TRULY know if you're doing it "right" but I do believe that however you do it, will be "right" in the context that it will support those Purposes and Lessons that are as yet a mystery.

As well, based on your and my experiences (which are surprisingly {eerily?} similar!), we can be pretty darn certain that you are doing it "right-er" than our moms did it. So...'generationally' there is an improvement...and you are doing your best to facilitate that improvement.

 

My theory/observation is that too often parents go so far to the OTHER side of what they perceived as ineffective parenting by their own parents -- they do what to them is the "exact opposite" but sadly that also turns out to be ineffective parenting. (Not that this is necessarily going on for you, though.)

For example, brought up really strict becomes a parent who is far too lenient. In neither case do kids learn how to make wise self-choices, how to deal with consequences of unwise ones, value of perseverance, etc.

 

Which is a long-winded way of getting to something that I really do want to mention. I totally understand what you mean about your mom's "negative perception" of life in general. And I totally sense that your 'inner landscape' is not even close to that. But... (darn those 'buts', huh? .)

But it is not, er, exactly positive to be on the lookout for kids getting in with the wrong crowd and such. I mean...and it really does depend on how you are approaching it with the kids, of course...but, fearing the worst around one particular decision is also negative, just (a lot) less so than being negative about most everything. (I do apologize if that was too much liberty to take.)

 

What am I trying to say? Maybe you are making it harder on yourself (and thus the kids) than need be, because you are forgetting your own good instincts and your own excellent parenting that you've already developed and demonstrated?

 

YOU ARE DOING GOOD WORK, MOM!!! It's right here, in black and white. So...

Breathe easy and sleep well - you have earned it; you deserve it.

And enjoy this week's trip to the Midwest.

Ronni