How to deal?

[lexi29]

I just do not know how to deal with my fiance's son's mother. In the 4 years we've been dating, I have never really talked to her. I have seen her and have been around when we drop off and pick up his son but I have never had any reason to talk to her and she has said things about me and also done many things to her son that I don't appreciate so its not as though I have tried to befriend her. SHe is a year younger than me, has two kids and has moved 14 times in the last 6 years. She now lives 2 hours away from her son. (her choice).

 

My fiance is trying to go to court to get a hearing for relocation (we want to move about 20 minutes away from where we live now because I work there) It is in a different state, that is why he has to get court approval. He asked his son's mother if she would approve the move and she said no because he wouldn't let her have their son for the whole summer so she is not going to do anything he wants. This woman is impossible! She literally thinks the world revolves around her. She told their son that his dad doesn't want him to see her because she thinks my fiance should move 2 hours away to where she lives so she can see their son more often.

 

SHE is the one who moved that far away (and she didn't even tell my fiance she was moving till the day before she left!) She used to always live about 20 minutes away from my fiance. last year she moved to another state (again about 20 minutes away from my fiance as he lived in the same place all these years) and my fiance's parents moved to that same state so he decided that since his son could live in the same town as his grandparents and his mother that it was a good idea to move. He got his son's mother's permission for the move, found an apartment and enrolled his son in school there. Two weeks after his son started school his son's mother moved out of that state and back to the original state they all lived in!! She didnt' tell him about that either. She was stilll about 1/2 hour away but she tried to say that my fiance HAD to move back to the area she was in because she didn't give her permission (my fiance had had her sign a letter stating he had permission and had it notarized and good thing he did!) About 3 months after that she moved two hours away!

 

Her mother still lives in our area though and when she gets her son for the weekend my fiance meets her at her mother's house. When we move he will still meet her there. (it will be about a 45 minute drive for him but he is willing to do this) Last weekend his son's mother told her son to tell everyone that I like to give his dad bjs (but she didnt' abbreviate) so his son has been going around telling his grandparents this! He didnt' know it was inappropriate. His mom also told him that I am pregnant and that the new baby will replace him and that his dad won't love him when the new baby arrives. first, I am NOT pregnant (yes, we want to have a child in the next few years) but are NOT trying at all. His son wants a brother or sister but was upset that he thought the baby would replace him!!!

 

Then on sunday (before she told her son to tell everyone about me and bjs) she sent my fiance a text message that was a joke about why women should give bjs as breakfast. She kept pesstering my fiance texting him constantly saying 'did u show it to lexi?" because she wanted me to see it for some reason.

 

I could go on and on with the list of things she has said and done to traumatize her son and annoy my fiance and I.

 

For the last 8 months that she has lived 2 hours away she has REFUSED to give my fiance her address. Well now he HAS to have it because he has to file court papers and they have to be sent to her. So I texted her and told her that I needed her address as I was making a list for wedding invites (she is NOT invited) and she called me 30 seconds later and gave it to me. So weird. She wouldn't give it to my fiance when he wanted it in case something would happen when his son was at his mother's but she will give it to us because she thinks we want her at the wedding. An even after all this, I feel guilty for tricking her into giving me her address.

 

 

She has done horrible things like tell her own son that my fiance (who has raised him for about 7 of his 9 yrs) is not his real dad. (NOT TRUE and proven when he was 2 yrs old by a paternity test) she told him this about 6 months ago and he was so upset. She told him her 1st husband was his real dad and that my fiance never wanted anything to do with him!) He came home from his mom's in tears. Also she NEVER does anything for his birthday. She is always invited to his parties etc and never shows up. This year she says she acts like she forgot his birthday (his party was held on a different date from his actual birthday so that was the date on the invitation. But I saw her myspace page and she has her job as "full time mother" and lists both her kids as living with her and she has both of their birthdays on there!!! So she knows EXACTLY when his birthday is! SHe just chooses to ignore it!

 

 

We try very hard not to say anything negative about his mother in front of him. But every weekend when he comes back from his visit with her he is armed with some new (incorrect!) information about something or another regarding either myself or his dad. We have to spend a few hours telling him "no thats not true, no, this is the truth, etc. So basically we are teaching him that everything his mom says is a lie and not to trust her. We aren't setting out to teach him this but this is what he is learning because we always have to disprove and refute everything she tells him. She told him that she wants to see him more but his dad doesn't want her to and is keeping him away from her and its not fair that she has to drive two hours to see him and that his dad is doing this (unfair thing) to her becuase HE won't drive the 4 hour drive (2 up 2 back) to drop him off at HER house!!! AND SHE IS THE ONE WHO CHOSE TO MOVE 2 HOURS AWAY!!

 

She also told him that she HAD to move because the last place she lived was trashed. Well SHE is the one who trashed it!!!

 

My fiance genuinely loves his son and has taken care of him all by himself (no help, no child support) since he was about a year old. Periodically the mother will come in and out of his life when she needs money (I am not exagerating here) she would show up and take their son and then file for child support and collect that (she refuses to work) and then my fiance would have to go to court (and spend money he really didn't have) and try to get his son back. He finally has physical custody but his son's mother says if he goes to court to move she will challenge his custody and try to get full custody herself. She wants their son during school so she can collect child support and welfare.

 

I am becoming a part of this family but I have no idea how to deal with my fiance's son's mother. Any advice to deal with her? To make her son's life easier?

[quankanne]

I'm glad your stepson has such a strong champion in you!

 

at his age, he's starting to learn that he must separate the truth from BS, so be prepared to back up anything y'all tell him and disprove the lies you know she's feeding him. Like the thing with her saying that his daddy really isn't his daddy. I'm sure your fiancé has results from the test that he can show the boy, which can be a wonderful teaching tool and the perfect segue to discussing how muchh you love him, and that y'all will do your best to be as open and honest with him as possible, and that he can trust you to do so.

 

my brother and his wife went through a nasty divorce, and I'm ashamed to say that Bro was/can be a complete aswipe. However, his ex and her new huband have decided to be upfront with my niece, and now the child knows that she can count on her mom to be honest with her (at an age-appropriate level). She's seen copies of the divorce decree and the child custody arrangements, and knows that there are rules that her parents must follow in order to protect her best interests, and that those won't change despite what my brother may tell her. I know my niece loves her daddy, but she's also beginning to see that everything that comes out of his mouth isn't gospel truth!

 

tell your fiance to do what he needs to do to be able to provide the kind of lifestyle he needs for you and his child, because I'm sure the state will support him once they are assured that it is in everyone's best interest, not because he wants to be a butthead.

 

meanwhile, just laugh at his idiot ex. She doesn't realize that her behavior will out her, and that her kids will see her for what she is, esp. when they've got shining examples of how parents are SUPPOSED to be! And she's just screwing herself over as they get older and figure out the truth.

 

and know that you're doing a good job by just being as concerned for him as you have been – goodness knows his own mother can't/won't give him that!

 

hugs,

quank

[lexi29]

Thank you for the support! Its just difficult for me to imagine how someone can be so wrapped up in themselves that they think the world should revolve around them and their needs and they don't even care one bit about their own child. Its all a game to her and she doesn't care that her son is confused or hurt by her actions. She does not care about anything unless it benefits her.

[quankanne]

oh, there are some parents out there like that. Or who sincerely believe that the things they tell or do to their children aren't hurtful, and that the kids will always side with *them* ... but kids have built-in BS-detectors, and they *know* when a parent is lying to them.

 

what's sad is that the boy's mom is going to have to find out the hard way when it bites her in the butt, and he's going to confront her about the lies. Thank goodness he's got you and his dad to provide a positive role model.

 

in the meantime, I'm still sniggering about what you said about her providing you with a current address for the wedding all the while refusing to give it to your man for other legitimate purposes! Sounds like she's well-entrenched in La La Land :laugh:

[lexi29]

oh, there are some parents out there like that. Or who sincerely believe that the things they tell or do to their children aren't hurtful, and that the kids will always side with *them* ... but kids have built-in BS-detectors, and they *know* when a parent is lying to them.

 

what's sad is that the boy's mom is going to have to find out the hard way when it bites her in the butt, and he's going to confront her about the lies. Thank goodness he's got you and his dad to provide a positive role model.

 

in the meantime, I'm still sniggering about what you said about her providing you with a current address for the wedding all the while refusing to give it to your man for other legitimate purposes! Sounds like she's well-entrenched in La La Land :laugh:

 

 

Yes, my fiance has been trying to get his son's mother to give him her address since October of last year (when she moved) and she has REFUSED. Told him he has no reason to know it. He tried to explain that if something were to happen to their son while he was there (at his mom's) he had the right to know where he was. Also what if something happened to her and my fiance had to come pick his son up or something he would need the address. Nope, she still wouldnt' give it to him. He even told her the court needed her new address. She didn't care. But last week I decided to see if she would give it to me if she thought I needed it to invite her to the wedding (she is NOT invited). I texted her, telling her my fiance gave me her number and "what is your address? I am making a list of invites for the wedding" Immediately, not even 30 seconds after I sent that she called me. Now I have never talked to her in the entire 4 years I've been dating my fiance, but because she thought she was invited to the wedding she gave me her address immediately.

 

So she didnt' care to provide her address for her son's safety/well being. But because she thinks she will get to attend our wedding she has no problem doing something she's refused to do for the last 8 months. My fiance was shocked that she gave me her address!