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meals in bed..is this too much???


amiblind42

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I had another post about the father who gives in to his youngest child too much and I appreciate all of the advice. I am still struggling with some issues regarding how the father overcompensates for the divorce and I don't know where to turn.

When he has the boys over (9&10)they do not clean up after themselves and are waited on hand and foot. The day started with dad serving them their breakfast in bed (at 10:30). This now seems to be a regular thing lately. Well that was round 1 for dishes for me. At about 12:00 he served them their lunch in bed also (still in their pj's and literally IN BED). This meant round 2 of dishes for me. The boys stayed in their pj's until about 3:30 , usually they stay in their pj's all day at times laying around reading or playing video games. Today the youngest child went to his friends house for a sleep over so the eldest stayed here in his pj's all day. I had to leave for work at 6 and came home at about 11:30 for round 3 of dishes in the sink for me to clean as the two of them had a 3 course meal for dinner it seemed.

I couldn't get myself to do any more dishes for the day and left them for the morning in hopes he will pitch in and clean them up. I already stressed I did not feel like doing any more dishes for the day earlier.

They are staying with us until Sunday usually. Last Sunday he had to go into work early and did not want to wake the boys up early to take them home before he went to work so he left them with me (first time) and had his X wife pick them up. She was scheduled to pick them up at 9:30am as I had to go to work also. I made several attempts to get them out of bed and into their clothes before their mother would arrive to no avail. They did not do what I asked of them and stayed in bed up until the very moment their mother arrived and she had to go up to their room to make them get dressed (they still left in their pajams). This put me in a very uncomfortable position. And no I did NOT serve them breakfast in bed. In fact I offered to make them something to eat only if they came down stairs to eat it at the table, to which they declined.

So this Sunday is the same. He wants to leave them with me until his X picks them up. I expressed my concern and the fact they do not listen to me and that I think he should drop them off on the way to work. But somehow I don't think that will happen. It looks like he prefers to leave them with me again.

He wanted to buy them East baskets to which I ended picking up. I also bought them inexpensive toys to go in them (at the dollar store) along with very little candy, as they already got baskets from the X and her parents.

I was at work when the boys saw their baskets as he forgot to hide them, so when I came home I asked him how the baskets went over as I saw them sitting out untouched. He said that we have to redo them and hide them again. This I do not understand...

 

AM I being selfish here? Am I incorrect in thinking these children are being taught very bad manners? When they are here they are not expected to lift a hand to do a thing and that bothers me. I am not expecting them to clean the house per say. But teaching them to lay around and not have ONE ounce of responsibility is ashame. Again I am sure part of it is from the divorce and I know he feels guilty and wants to do what he can for them.

But its getting so bad I don't want to be a part of it. I get so tired of cleaning up after them every weekend.

Please share your thoughts, am I a wicked nasty part time step mom?

I have asked the father to help clean up after them but it goes in one ear and out the other. I have a sink full of dishes to wake up to again, and will probably have more after breakfast. Honestly when the boys are here its like I don't exist.

Edited by amiblind42
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I am sure part of it is from the divorce and I know he feels guilty and wants to do what he can for them.
Uh, huh :) Misplaced guilt overriding common sense.

 

Solution for household issues; stick him with the bill for a maid service to come in. Don't waffle. You work. Chores can be shared or he can pay for them to be performed by a professional. His choice. Be unpopular. I am :D

 

I'm not even going to comment on the parenting specifics... Oy! :eek:

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but we can't. I am only working part time as my job got terminated in January so we can barely afford food for ourselves let alone for boys also...

So its me that cleans up all the time...and I am just getting so tired of it.

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One of my female friends has exactly your problem. She ignores the kitchen except for one day a week. If the dishes run out, BF goes out or eats on paper plates. She's not his (and his kids) slave.

 

As the domestic servant in our house (I work at home and my wife works at a distance), I empathize. No way would kids be running me, mine or not. I would invoke community parenting law :D Their butts would be with me out on the tractor, cleaning up the shop or in the yard pulling weeds and earning an allowance like a young man should. I was mowing lawns by the time I was 10. I had plenty of money :)

 

Guess that comes from having an iron fisted mother. I got away with nothing; if I tried anything with the neighborhood mothers, the phone would ring at our house and watch out when I got home.....

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Citizen Erased

Kids who behave in such a manner have not been brought up properly. My sister and I used to make our parents breakfast in bed on a Sunday. They would never have done it for us. We, as children, always ate at the table, and breakfast would never have been at 10:30 in the morning!

 

You may not be able to afford a maid, but it does not mean that your partner should treat you as one. They are HIS kids. If anyone should be doing dishes numerous times a day, it should be him. You need to make it known to him you do not find it acceptable. That his children are allowed to be lazy and do nothing all day is his responsibility, he should be picking up the slack and not you.

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I don't think 9 and 10 year olds should be washing dishes!! I loved washing dishes at that age but it was never expected and always voluntary. I mean I don't understand why you as an adult, are complaining about doing the dishes after two young boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe you can hire a maid? It sounds like you don't want him to have any time with his boys, which is very unreasonable. If you feel you need more attention and don't like the fact that he has children, then that is a problem but I don't think you should make him choose you over his boys.

 

I do understand that you don't feel love towards the boys but he comes with children and he can't dispose of his responsibilities towards them just because you don't like doing dishes. Maybe have them use paper plates? Not sure what you expect to be done? There are so many neglectful fathers out there. This guy is bringing them breakfast in bed, and here you are complaining about it. Are you jealous? He sounds like an amazing father.

 

My father used to make breakfast for my family on weekends, and in the evenings would make snacks or peel fruits and vegetables or even make a fancy desert, and serve them to us while we watched TV and he'd even clean up after us and would do the dishes too if the maid was off. Kids are kids and for a step mom to complain, I think you don't get that kids are not supposed to be doing adult things and it's ok for fathers to treat them nicely.

Edited by Fun2BMe
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My father used to make breakfast for my family on weekends, and in the evenings would make snacks or peel fruits and vegetables or even make a fancy desert, and serve them to us while we watched TV and he'd even clean up after us and would do the dishes too if the maid was off.

 

There is a huge difference between doing something once in a while deliberately and being forced to do something on a regular basis.

 

I agree on the paper dishes. Chose your battles wisely. Those would save you most of the trouble. As for getting them out of bed: well, they are kids. You are an adult, you should be able to handle this.

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Methinks the perspective on the dishes and pajamas at noon are signs of bigger issues in the relationship. ;) In a healthy relationship, such issues would never even be considered or pondered as a "battle".

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I feel it is a "respect" issue as I feel its important to respect others and your surroundings, especially if others are living in those surroundings.

I don't see anything wrong with teaching children to respect these things. And I do see something wrong with an adult that feels he does not have to pick up after his children and lets his SO do it ALL of the time. My parents shared the chores in the house and I certainly did my part at that age. I did not feel they were abusing me by making me take my dish or cup to the sink.

I think its important to teach children SOME responsiblity in their lives, so they grow up to be responsible adults. I am not married to this man and we have only been living together for about 2 years. He is an outstanding parent and teaches his boys how to be not only individuals but intelligent individuals. He is kind to the children and never scolds them for any misbehavior, but talks gently to them. I appreciate this parenting skill. However he is teaching them to be uncaring and a bit lazy when it comes to keeping not only themselves clean (two days without bathing??) but their surroundings. When they come in the door the clothes go flying off everywhere...even SOCKS in the kitchen???? Sometimes they don't even flush the toilet when finished. Again we are talking about 9 and 10 year olds not infants.

Please someone tell me I am not insane by refusing to accept this behavior...

And yet I am told I have a problem???

If the father can't pick up after them why should I? He is a perfectly capable human being but is just lazy. He is aware of the lazyness and has stated that he detests doing dishes. There are plenty of things I don't like doing during my day but I have to do them anway..

The reason is that it is MY house, and I refuse to live in filth. I see nothing wrong with this behavior, nor does it reflect anything about my relationship.

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Amen, sister.

 

How much are apartments? I think you need to turn this house into a rental. I guess, in that case, the current occupants need to leave :D

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The reason is that it is MY house, and I refuse to live in filth. I see nothing wrong with this behavior, nor does it reflect anything about my relationship.

 

Put your foot down.

 

Your bf may be a great dad, but 9 and 10 year olds are old enough to pick up after themselves, to flush the toilet, and to bathe.

 

Your bf is being excessively permissive, and he's teaching them that it's ok to live like lazy pigs when at your place. Does their mother expect them to pick up after themselves and respect others by flushing the toilet? Then there's no reason to have different rules in your house than what they do at their mother's house.

 

Time to sit down with your bf and spell it all out for him. And remind him that it's unhealthy for children not to bathe for 2 days. Tell him the kids need boundaries and rules - ALL children do - and that he should have the same rules in your home as they do at their mother's home. Consistency is important.

 

Bathing, getting dressed, and flushing the toilet are not OPTIONAL - they are required.

 

Picking up after themselves, i.e., the clothes and stuff they strew around is not OPTIONAL - it's required.

 

Dishes, well, that's your bf's call. I wouldn't trust kids to do the dishes...if they won't bathe, I doubt they would wash them well enough. But DAD should be doing them or using paper plates. I'm sure you don't mind some of it, but you should not be responsible for ALL of it.

 

Anything else? Spell it out to him. And then ask him if he thinks this is reasonable or not. Odds are he will, and then it's up to him and you to enforce the rules of your home with the kids. If he thinks the rules are unreasonable, ask him to explain why and what rules he would think were more reasonable. Ask him to discuss with his ex-wife what rules she has at home and consider whether HE is teaching his kids to become spoiled, disrespectful brats.

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I am not married to this man and we have only been living together for about 2 years. He is an outstanding parent and teaches his boys how to be not only individuals but intelligent individuals. He is kind to the children and never scolds them for any misbehavior, but talks gently to them. I appreciate this parenting skill.

 

There's no way 2 boys and a man living in your house are going to be cleaning after themselves in an average situation. You obviously don't like to clean after the 9 and 10 year old boys because you are not their mother. I don't know of any 9 and 10 year old boys who always flush the toilet, or who take their dish to the sink (not even teenage ones) let alone wash them and everything else that goes with 9 and 10 year old boys.

 

If you don't want to clean after them, then your only option is to tell your boyfriend not to bring his boys to your house so that you won't have to clean after them. I think they act the same way at their mother's house otherwise they would be acting differently at yours. That's just how they are and if you have a problem then the only solution is to not have them in your home instead of wanting your bf to raise them differently.

 

You can tell him to rent a hotel room or apartment for them to go to for when he has the boys in his care, or else to hire a nanny/housekeeper when he brings them to your house. You have to tell him what you don't want and have him fix it but I don't think one of the options that will work is for him to miraculously get his boys to suddenly act like little adults or suddenly become responsible when that's obviously not how their biological mother and father are raising them.

 

IDEALLY their mother and father would raise them the way you want them to be but the reality is that you are not their mother, and having a home where they come to does not give you license to interfere in their upbringing. I do understand your frustration, but the only thing you can do is tell him you don't like cleaning after his boys and that if they want to stay at your house, they have to abide by your rules, and if they can't then they can't come over. But whining about how he raises them and insisting that he and the boys mother change their raising style will only cause problems for you.

Edited by Fun2BMe
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I don't think 9 and 10 year olds should be washing dishes!! I loved washing dishes at that age but it was never expected and always voluntary. I mean I don't understand why you as an adult, are complaining about doing the dishes after two young boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe you can hire a maid? It sounds like you don't want him to have any time with his boys, which is very unreasonable. If you feel you need more attention and don't like the fact that he has children, then that is a problem but I don't think you should make him choose you over his boys.

 

I do understand that you don't feel love towards the boys but he comes with children and he can't dispose of his responsibilities towards them just because you don't like doing dishes. Maybe have them use paper plates? Not sure what you expect to be done? There are so many neglectful fathers out there. This guy is bringing them breakfast in bed, and here you are complaining about it. Are you jealous? He sounds like an amazing father.

 

My father used to make breakfast for my family on weekends, and in the evenings would make snacks or peel fruits and vegetables or even make a fancy desert, and serve them to us while we watched TV and he'd even clean up after us and would do the dishes too if the maid was off. Kids are kids and for a step mom to complain, I think you don't get that kids are not supposed to be doing adult things and it's ok for fathers to treat them nicely.

 

 

Wow I must have read the OP's situation totally differently because I didn't see anywhere that she says she expects the boys to do their own dishes!! I also don't think she is asking the father to choose between her and his sons. SHe isn't asking the father to dispose of his responsibilitites because she doesn't like doing dishes!! They are HIS children so the dishes should be HIS responsibility. I am about to become a full time step mom to my fiance's 8 yr old son. We don't live together yet but I do know some of where you are coming from as my fiance's son lives with him full time. I think your SO is taking your for granted and putting too much of the responsibility for caring for HIS children on you. From buying them Easter baskets, to cleaning up their messes and doing all the dishes, you are basically a glorified maid. Its great that their father spends time with them but he is letting them get way with too much and expecting you to clean up the messes they make. Now, its true that 9-10 yr olds don't always want to take a bath or remember to flush the toilet but they should be taught basic manners or a proper way to behave while in YOUR house.

 

 

You and your SO dont' seem like much of a team at the moment becasue you keep pointing out that they are HIS kids and it is YOUR house. I totally understand where you are coming from but at some point this is going to be YOUR life (you two together) if you plan to stay with your SO, so you should talk to him about it and present a united front. My fiance has never asked me or expected me to pick up after his son, or to take him to his mother's house or anything like that. If I offer, then great he appreciates it but as far as expecting me to be responsible for his son's messes or to take care of him or watch him becasue its an inconvenience to him, he doesnt' ask me to do that because he says its his son and he's HIS responsibility. I do pitch in and help out but thats on my own and not because my fiance forces me or leaves me no choice (as yours is because you don't want a messy house and he refuses to clean up after his children).

 

I really think you need to talk to him about the situation because your resentment is just going to build. I think you are a bit jealous of the time/effort he puts into the kids (I don't mean anything bad by this statement as I understand) because you say that when his sons are there it is like you don't exist except to clean up after everyone. And that is definately not how it should be. You should both be spending time with them and enjoying it. He needs to find a way to incorporate you into the time he spends with them as to not make you feel left out and so that you can get to know them better and not see them as such a nuisance. It is frustrating as a step parent because you have to witness mistakes the parent is making and want to step in and help out but its THEIR child so they have the final say. So just sit down (when the kids aren't there) and let him know your feelings and that you need some more help around the house. Explain that you feel neglected/ignored when his children are there and that you understand he needs alone time with them but you want to be able to contribute more than washing dishes (that should be HIS job)

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I don't think there is anything wrong to expect 9 and 10 year olds to pick up after themselves, especially if they are at a house that isn't theirs. When I was growing up if I was a guest at someone elses house (eg grandparents etc) and left dishes lying around I would get in more trouble than I would have at my parents place.

 

When I was growing up meals in bed were only reserved for when my brother and I were sick, otherwise everyone ate at the table at the same time with no TV on. Its something I still do now, and will insist on when I have my own kids.

 

You may not be the boys parent, but you are a significant adult in their lives, and therefore you have some influence on them, whether its intentional or not. You also have every right to expect a certain level of behaviour from them while they are staying in your house.

 

By picking up after them, you are reinforcing their views that its OK to expect someone else to do it. Its irrelevant if you are their natural parent or not.

 

YOu need to talk to your SO, because you should be a team on this.

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HeavenScent

When I was at that age, I did everything on my own! Dishes, laundry, pets, iron my own clothes and we were never allowed to eat in the TV lounge, let alone in bed!! We did all these even when we had a maid. Even my brother had to do it!

 

I agree with the rest, you must put your foot down or talk to your partner about this!

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I feel for you I would hate to feel like thier dish washer.

 

My daughter is twleve and although she does not do the the dishes she is expected tot ake her dished to the sink and rinse them off.

 

She also unloads the dishwasher, sets the table, vaccums the living room, her room & my room and cleans her room.

 

And we all eat at the table together unless it is movie night.

 

And like another poster the only time I had breakfast in bed was when I was sick.

 

You shoukd talk to you rso about this.

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Thank you for confirming that I am not a bad person for thinking this way. And yes I was not saying they should DO the dishes, I was just saying they should at least make an effort to bring a dish to the sink every now and then.

Usually on the weekends I am standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes AT least 3 times a day, sometimes they get hungry after 10 and dad cooks them something so I am doing dishes until 11pm...it gets very tiring let me tell you.

We do spend some quality time together, and he definately makes an effort to include me in everything. We go to many events together and its rarely that I am not present when he has the boys.

I brought the subject up to him asking if the boys pick up after themselves at their other home with his X. He doesn't think so, but he doesn't think they are old enough to really start picking up after themselves as of yet...Uggghhhhhh

I told him at that age I was making my bed and was not permitted to leave any dishes around after eating. My mother made it clear I was to clean up after myself and not in a harsh way. He was very surprised to hear that. So I am not sure if saying anything more will help or hurt.

I don't want to try using paper plates as I am sure he will become offended by that as if the boys aren't good enough to eat on real plates.

I am going to try the "team" approach and see how that goes. Regarding his boys I can only hope he can sway them in helping to pick up after themselves, as I just don't feel its my responsiblity so say it.

 

Thanks again!

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littlekitty
Uh, huh :) Misplaced guilt overriding common sense.

 

Also commonly known as parenting through guilt. (Misplaced guilt mostly!:rolleyes:)

 

A lot of step parents will relate to that.

 

It sounds like you don't want him to have any time with his boys, which is very unreasonable. If you feel you need more attention and don't like the fact that he has children, then that is a problem but I don't think you should make him choose you over his boys.

 

....it's ok for fathers to treat them nicely.

 

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: He can treat them nicely, but he also doesn't have to spend the whole weekend being their slave. What exactly do you think that's going to teach them?!! Oh yeah, they'll turn into lovely teenagers who treat their father like crap!!

 

Exactly where did she say she wanted more attention? She wants his boys to be parented responsibly. Ugghghh I have no more words....

 

OP - You seriously need to address this with your partner. He needs to understand the effect his parenting is having on you - and the rod he making for his own back here.

 

You also need to put your foot down as and when necessary. Sorry but in your situation I'd have told him in no uncertain terms that I would not be looking after the children when he left for work unless he ensured they would listen to what I told them, and that there would be consequences if they don't. If he can't do that, then he is allowing his children to DISREPECT you!!!

 

You need to make sure communication lines are open and set some boundries.

 

It might be useful to check out stepfamily.net for more support/advice. :)

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