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8 yr old acting out


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So my fiance and I are getting married in Sept and his 8 yr old was thrilled by this (lives with his dad full time). He was so excited and told us it is what he always wanted. I've been in his son's life since he was 2 years old. We've dated for about four years. His son is very attached to me and always wants to be around me. He seems me as his friend and also has told me he wishes I was his mom. Lately something is just off with him. He is normally a hyper but sweet kid. He suffers from only child syndrome in that he is spoiled (he has a 1/2 sister that lives with his mom that he sees every other weekend). My fiance is not a perfect parent and does let him get away with things. If I am alone with his son then I'm the one who disciplines/gives him direction and if we are all together I stay out of it and let my fiance handle things. the last two weeks his son has been a handful. I think part of it has to do with me expressing concerns to my fiance about moving too fast for this wedding (we just got engaged a month ago). He took it as I wanted to call things off. So things were rocky between us for a few days).

 

I think his son picked up on this tension. The last few days he's wanted to stay at his grandmas instead of come home with us. Now one of the reasons is his grandma lets him watch cartoons all night and his dad doesn't. And also there are two kids who live next door to my fiance's mom that his son loves to play with. There are no children that live near my fiance's apartment so no one for his son to play with. But he has been acting out- his grandma told us that he doesn't listen to her-she told him not to ride his bike around the block and he did. Yesterday we went to pick him up and he asked if he could play with his friend a little while longer and his dad told him ok. Well he takes off riding his bike down the street and I asked where he was going and he said he didn't have to tell us. That he is allowed to have secrets becasue I have secrets. I have no idea what this means. My fiance told him he is not allowed to go to his friend's house unless he tells him where the kid lives. Well he didn't listen, just took off. My fiance had to follow him and run after him.

 

When we got home- my fiance told him he needed to do his homework before he could watch tv. Well he turned on the tv anyway and his dad turned it off and he SCREAMED and cried like someone was beating him or something. His dad made him do his homework (spelling words) and he asked if he could just have the tv on. My fiance was tired of arguing with him and didnt' stand his ground. He let him have cartoons on while he tried to do his spelling words. Of course he couldnt pay attention. My fiance yelled at him and again turned the tv off and he screamed and bawled. I calmly told him that once he finished his spelling words he could watch tv again. he argued with his dad some more, he didn't give in and they finished the spelling words. he was allowed to watch tv and his dad told him that before they went to bed he was going to have to go over them one more time and he started bawling again.

 

He's also gotten very mouthy and rude. Will order his dad around and tell him to do things for him. to me he will say please, but the other night I was sitting where he wanted to sit to do his homework and he put his hands on his hips and rolled his eyes and said "Well NOW I can't do my homework because someone is in my way!" and just stared at me. I told him if you'd like to sit here then you need to ask nicely and not be rude about it. He refused to ask me and just stood there and his dad made him go somewhere else. Also now he seems to think I am lying to him about things or hiding things from him. For an Easter present I told him I am taking him and one friend to Chuckie Cheese next weekend. He was so excited but later asked me "are you really going to take me?" I asked him why did he think I wouldnt' and he said he didnt' know if I was lying to him? I have NEVER lied to him about anything and I've never told him something and not followed thru. He told me that his dad yells at him more than he yells at me and its not fair. (His dad HAS been yelling at him a lot lately becasue of his bad behavior) And he complains about everything- his dad will make him soup and he screams at him that it is too hot or there is not enough noodles or whatever.

 

One thing that might be causing some of this is that he told my fiance that some kids on his bus pick on him every day. And that there was only one seat left one day and he had to sit next to a girl and she shoved him out of the seat onto the floor. Also he said in one class a girl sits behind him and hits him in the head with her pencil every day. He says he told the teacher and she didnt' make the girl stop. I have no idea why he would be getting picked on. he's a nice kid, friendly, cute,etc. He also keeps saying that his dad and I are fighting- yesterday we were just talking about something that was wrong with my car and my fiance was offering to fix it and our voices weren't raised or anything and his son kept saying "what are you fighting about!"

 

I have no idea what is wrong with him. He's gotten plenty of attention, we include him in everything. He even got a pet hamster last friday which he's wanted for a while now. He goes to his mom's this weekend so we'll see how he acts when he comes back. But does anyone have any ideas? I know most will say because of us getting married but I don't think thats it because he was so excited about us getting married. He was talking about how bad he wanted us to get married way before we even became engaged.

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Hi, I have an 8 year old daughter. She lives with me full time. She is very challenging. After talking to the moms at her dance studio-this is normal. She talks back, slams doors and is constantly challenging every thing I say. She tells me I'm the worst mom in the world etc..I admit I let her get away with alot so naturally she is going to take advantage. I started dating a man in Sept and it was the first one she met. She still hasn't accepted this entirely. Her dad and I are great friends and have been split up since 2005. I think it has alot to do with change. They like to be like everyone else so when there's a change in their life, they feel different and out of control. They use 'bad" behavior to gain the control back. I am always searching for answers! Good luck with the wedding and try to give him as many hugs as you can! This works better than yelling.

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Thanks for replying! His son doesn't ever say mean things about his dad or me. He normally cuddles up to us and tells us he loves us. But yes, he does the door slamming, the defiant behavior when you tell him to do something he will do the opposite, the tantrum-like crying etc. The way he acts is how young children (2-5 yrs) act when they are really tired and grouchy. I will be sure to give him lots of hugs and reassurance!

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