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Not easy being a part time step parent....


amiblind42

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I have posted this before but noticed I have not had one response and I don't know why. So I have tried reposting it again keeping my fingers crossed. Thanks

Giving in to the youngest just too much

Hello everyone, I have one other post on here regarding my relationship with my "life partner" so I appreciate all of your comments and assistance dearly.

My partner is 42 divorced (as am I ) with two boys (9 and 10) he gets to keep two nights a week at our house. I have had no children from my previous marriage. I get along with is boys wonderfully and am always trying to create new things to do with them.

 

Mind you I have never had experience with children except for two of my nephews, which are both in their teens now. May I ask for some advice regarding a situation I see happening between the father and the youngest child?

 

The youngest child has to have his way regarding EVERYTHING. And I am not exagerrating when I say EVERYTHING. If he doesn't get what he wants for dinner he gets upset, if he doesn't get what he sees at the store he throws a fit. Unfortunatley his father gives in to him 100% of the time. Here are some examples:

For example we can plan out a nice meal for the 3 of us and he will detest it every time, so his father would have to cook him something "special" just for him.

 

The child does NOT do anything that is asked of him without an argument. When asked, he wont even retrieve his items upon leaving the house such as his book bag and clothes, and has his dad gather up his things. The elder child does it with no probem. The child literally tells his father "he doesn't want to do it" and therefore the father always does it.

 

We go out to our local Target and we usually set a budget for them both to follow (say 20.00). The elder child always stays within the budget, but the younger one creates a scene when he is told he has to stay within his budget. So this results in the child getting way more then he should have simply because he stomped his feet and cried. One day our bill trippled because of the younger child carrying on so badly about wanting what he saw, and his father gave into him. This happens often. He just wont stick to his word. This is frustrating for me to watch. I see him bend and crawl to please his little one and he doesn't even get so much as say thank you for it. And I know it bothers him that he feels he has to give in to him all the time. So what do I do? I feel bad for the older child as he does not get the attention that the younger one does because he is quiet and goes along with the rules that are set, but the younger child knows he can get all of the attention by creating a scene. Again I have no parenting experience but can clearly see ( and others also have noted it as well) that he just gives in to this child way more than he should.

Do I step in or just quietly watch his frustration?

He has mentioned his frustration to me a few times and I very gently agreed that he does give in to him more than he probably should. I love having the boys over when we do, but the youngest child just makes everything so difficult and I am just not sure how to deal with this.

Is this a common thing in parenting?

I asked him how his X wife handles him and he stated that she doesn't, she pretty much lets him have his way obviously.

 

I am not sure how to handle this one.

Thanks all!

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Do I step in or just quietly watch his frustration?

 

No.. do NOT step in.. the father is the only one who can really do something about it.

 

He has mentioned his frustration to me a few times and I very gently agreed that he does give in to him more than he probably should.

 

He is not a GOOD parent... meaning he lacks the parental skills to solve this problem.. probably because he feels guilty (divorce) or that it's just easier to give in than solve the problem.

 

Is this a common thing in parenting?

 

Yes it is.. especially when there is a divorce... some children are Masters Manipulator.. especially when they know the parents are not strong enough.

 

The Mother is also either too lazy or too emotionally 'drained' to fight the kid and solve this problem.

 

It's not easy.. these kids can drive a parents off the walls.. they are extremely manipulative and frustrating.. most parents just let them have their way, cause they don't have enough 'strength' to have control.

 

As for your role, you're the step mom.. just be nice and loving.. he might eventually change.. just let the parents handle the problem.

 

The father needs to step up and get his control back.. he's the father, he needs to set rules and if the child does not abide then he has to cut some privileges..

 

He's not doing the child (both children) a favour.

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blind_otter

Ultimately it is up to the parents how they choose to parent their child. At least, that is what I believe. You describe the situation - but what have you done so far to try to make the situation better when the boys are with you? Have you brainstormed with your partner about what issues are important to address and how you will address them? I think it is important to balance out how much attention each child gets, and personally I think that it is very important to set limits and have clear boundaries for both children (although from what you describe one will probably readily attend to those boundaries while the other will resist). But that has to come from the father.

 

I am not a parent (yet). I'm expecting in July, though. I do help care for my SO's 10 year old son and things can be quite difficult. The boy's mother allows him to do things that his father finds unacceptable, so there is a constant tug of war. My SO has actually been very definite about asking me to help him with his son.

 

At this point I have suggested that all 4 of us (mom, mom's BF, SO and I) all sit down and discuss a parenting plan for the boy, because we are all involved in raising him and there have been some issues brought up by my SO's son in regard to his mom's BF's treatment of him. It's the only thing I can think of that we can do in an adult manner so that there is some consistency in the boy's life.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I guess I'm going to put in my 2 cents worth. I've had a similar problem. My fiance has a daughter around your youngest step-son's age, and her mother is a royal witch. She doesn't act like a mom and she lets her get away with everything. Her mom is verbally and mentally abusive as well and so my future step-daughter has issues and takes it out in a demanding way.

 

I love my future step-daughter. She can be a real doll sometimes, but she's spoiled rotten because of her mother's lack of discipline. And I'm telling you now. You need to speak with your husband about what authority you can have over these children. Do you get full parental privilege since they're young enough to be influenced or are you to just stand aside and let him deal with it, which is doesn't seem like he is?

 

Girl, I took the full parental privilege with my fiance's daughter with his express permission. I act like the mom she needs when she's here. And my fiance does the same thing your husband does sometimes. He lets her get what she wants when she really shouldn't.

 

Usually it's because he's worried about what she'll tell her mom when she goes back. Sometimes bad mothers with custody can manipulate words and the system to better their chances for child support and less visitation rights for the father. That's when they need to remember that they have EVERY right to say no as a father. That's when I step in and remind him that he needs to be firm, and she doesn't just get whatever she wants now. She threw ONE major kicking/screaming temper tantrum with me and regretted it. Hasn't done it since although she still pushes the limits just like any other child does. I'm a full believer of spanking, time-outs, leaving a restaurant/market/store when they throw fits, etc. I'M the boss, not her. And you should be too. Otherwise it's just going to get worse when he gets older.

 

And just to let you know, they can grow out of it and you won't necessarily come off as the evil step-mom. Just the other week, my step-daughter asked me if she could call me mom.

 

Discipline can be awkward with a step-child, but it can also be so rewarding in doing what you can for a child, even if you can only do so much.

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Oh, and my apologies. I accidentally wrote "your husband." I meant to say life partner. All the same, it still shouldn't affect what role you play in those children's lives. Either way, you plan on spending your life with this person so those children will be as much a part of your life as his.

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Ok this is where I am drawing the line..

Last night I went out for a few hours to socialize with a friend of mine. I let him know I would probably not be joining him and the boys for dinner so to carry on without me. Just as I anticipated, I came home to plates containing left over food laying in the livingroom and in the kitchen. Candy wrappers on the floor and clothes everywhere. My first instinct was to start the clean up immediately upon coming home. But I stopped myself. The dishes (with food) are still sitting out and on top of that he served them breakfast (in bed AGAIN) before taking them to school, and now there are dishes with food (eggs) up IN their beds in their room!

Nope

I am not touching a damn thing.

I have to leave for work in two hours as he is off today. I refuse to touch the mess he left me again.

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