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cant stand my older son .


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I feel absolutely burnt out with my teenager already. he always got new bad news for me everyday ~ something is always wrong and something is always my fault. I am so sick of it . his tantrums , his lazyness, his arrogance, and everything else that is too long to mention .

my teen stopped talking to my husband weeks ago because he was angry that my husband got mad at him for harrasing me . now my husband has told me that he dont care anymore about my teen , he doesnt care if my teen stays here or goes when he is an adult. seems like my husband just completely has had it and just wont deal with my teenager anymore. myhusband tried to break the ice by talking to him or joking but my teenager wont respond so my husband is like who cares already.

 

I cant hardly stand my own teenager , how do i expect a step-parent to accept his attitude problem . if i was the step parent i would do the same thing . so my teenager is graduating this year hopefully and then he will be 18 . I have decided to let him move out into another property i own and go to school from there. he is absolute poison for my household. this is my son and I cant stand the sight of him at this point. it is sad but it is the truth , my teen makes my skin crawl at this point. it is beyond being angry , or overwhelmed. i am just plain sick of it . to the point where if he does graduate college and says hey I dont want to see you again mom ~ I would be perfectly fine with that .

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InsanityImpaired

Just one question: why do you reward him for his atrocious behavior? Getting a place of your own for free is nothing other than that.

 

Has this happened on more occassions?

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well i am doing it more for me then for him , i just cant thow him out on the street and I cant stand him being here. . at this point he wants to go to college, so i figure this is the best option . he has to go to community college first so i told him when he gets into the university he needs to move into the dormatory . I want him to go to college and be succesfull so he can move on to his own life and leave me the heck alone .

him living here is just not an option anymore, he causes too much tension and my youngest child is going to be affected soon . where we live it is a 2 bedroom , my teen has one that he is supposed to share with the toddler but doesnt . i think it is the best thing for him to get out of here, the first step in getting him out of my house. I dont think he deserves this place, i really dont , but i feel like i have no other options. he is supposed to work nights and pay me for the maintanace and go to school during the day . we shall see, but at least i wont have to see his dam face everyday .

Edited by cicada
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You haven't really described what your son's behavior is like or what's causing it, but you're sending some odd messages to him.

 

First, you're saying you can't stand him at and you basically never care to see him again. Wow, that's gotta feel great. How long has it been this way? What happened to his father? Was he ever able to heal from whatever happened?

 

Second, you're basically saying "I don't want you, but you can do whatever you want and stay at this other place as long as you're not with me." Do you think he'll respect the property? Do you think his behavior is going to be acceptable? With no guidance it sounds like the perfect place to get into trouble.

 

I was a "good kid" at 18...I listened to my parents, never used drugs, good grades, responsible, etc. But if my parents had given me some property to live on and basically opted out of my life other than that...especially when I'm just starting out on a new part of my life (college, working) I would have probably partied all the time, never focused on school, would have probably brought all the "wrong" people around and just put myself in all around bad situations and made some majorly poor choices.

 

18 is an adult, but it's still an impressionable age. I still needed guidance from my parents throughout college. I can't imagine if they had abandoned me. And that's what you're doing. Providing him some shelter doesn't change that fact.

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Sorry to be harsh here cicada, but why would you expect anything to be different now that your teen is almost 18? This dynamic with your teen has been going on for a long time, according to what you have written in the past. Let's face it, he just didn't wake up one morning and become like this.

 

You have written about his food tantrums, and disrespect, and now he isn't talking to your husband--what are and have been the consequences for these actions?

 

I can't imagine a teenager wanting to share a bedroom with the toddler of the family. If you own another property, why can't you all move there if there is room enough for all of you.

 

Has he gotten a part-time job yet? Can you trust him to live on his own? Why has he decided to go to community college when he was dead set on going? Working a full-time job after graduation might not be a bad thing for him.

 

It's a mistake on your part to cut him out of your life, no matter how stressed out your are with him, and I think you might regret this down the road.

 

As angry as I have been with my kids, I would never choose one for the other, even though one of yours is a toddler. Does your son see it this way? There has to be a way to deescalate the anger in your home.

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whichwayisup

Moving him out somewhere else is a big mistake, he obviously doesn't have the smarts to be on his own, let alone, be responsible.

 

Take the bull by the horns and talk to your son. Really talk to him, and let him open to you..Find out what is going through his head. You're his mom and yeah, right now you can't stand the sight of him, but you DO love him, right? Unconditionally? I feel for him because he is going down the wrong path here and putting him somewhere else is only going to make it worse.

 

Why not try family counselling with him?

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I am sorry that you are feeling that way about your son. That's sad :(

 

Have you tried some family counseling? Maybe that would help if you all went together. Teenagers are hard.... I hope you can find a solution.

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Move him out, move him out lol,. I had the same thing but with my daughter. I was advised by a domestic abuse coincillor to do it. I almost had a total breakdown. In sheer desperation I threw her out with 4 weeks written notice. She had a job, all the freedom that one could have and she didn't sink....She tried to come home but I stood my ground. Finally I let her back after 3 months and she tried to take over my life again. I threatened to evict her and that seemed to do the trick.

 

Now we are so happy together, she is sweet to me and has a new found respect for me and my needs. What I did was just like brat camp but withou tthe Arizona desert lol. Give him a taste of what it's like to be out there but continue to support him, emotionally, financially but with set boundaries. He's counting on that maternal instinct to stop you from placing boundaries. thats the lever....

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm close to feeling the same way about my 18 year old these days. He yells at me, he is inconsiderate, never takes any responsibility for his own f* ups. GRRRR. Then he switches back into the sweet boy he used to be and is nice to me etc. It's like living with Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde.

 

I find it hard sometimes to be nice to him cause I'm so pissed off at him. I don't know. Maybe the family counseling is a good idea. I know my son has told me he is stressed out and the other night he said he thought he was having a anxiety attack.

 

It helps me to remember that he's having a tough time right now and that he needs to know that I love him and I need to remember that I do love him and he is my boy and I'm just lucky that he's not off doing drugs, getting 15 year olds pregnant, flunking out of school. It could be a LOT worse. I'm going to chalk a lot of it up to he is seperating from me and going through a lot of things. Hopefully, it is just a phase for both of them.

 

Let me know how it's going.

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well , This is why i cant stand him . tonight for no reason at all other then him being fristrated abouthis computer not working , i tried to talk to him nicely like what's the matter, whats going on with your computer .. he then went on with " i cant stand the sound of your voice , then he punched the door ... then i told him not to do that please and he left his room saying if i dont get out of his room he will , then i told him that he needed to calm down he then slammed the door and then it didnt close I told him if he continued i would have to call the police.. then he kicked the door sooo hard it broke the bottom of the door .. so i called the police . the police came and went into his room and told him that he was close to being arrested.. after they left, i went in to talk to him and he seemed to be under more control knowing that the police just came , i think it shocked him . but i think his obedience is temporary so anyway , i cant stand him still ... . i never called the police before and it was the last thing i wanted to do , but i had too , this was too much . so i am glad i did. even if it only helped for tonight .

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I hear ya. And "they" say girls are bad.. and moody.

 

I was at the dog park this a.m. with my 7 month old. Granted he is huge but.. it was amazing. At first he was all bark, bark, bark, let me get your face and charge you etc.. and then some older dogs came along. He immediately knew that they were in charge and to act respectful of them.

 

I think if we don't set boundaries for them they will continue to push, push, push. By calling the police you showed him, you aren't going to stand for it anymore.

 

Maybe maybe you can have a talk with him when he is calm and you are calm?

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i have a plan for you , fellow mother.

 

the very next time he goes off to school, i want you to go and get a screw driver and go to his bedroom door and take the three pegs out of the hinges and take the door off.

 

then place it in a place that he will not get to it, such as a shed, garage or your own bedroom closet.

 

i want you to hand a sign up that says the following:

 

dear son,

as your mother, and owner of this house and all it's fixtures, i have removed this door. there are new rules to our home and a chore chart posted. in time, if you mature and obey them, i may re-install this door. a bedroom door is a privilege that one must earn... so start earning it.

love, mommy dearest

 

then i want you to post a chore chart and a rule list.

you can feel free to post a consequence list if you want.

for instance, for every chore left undone, he owes you 50 cents.

for every rule broken, you will tuck him in like a five year old and read him goodnight moon.

 

hehe!

 

in a month, perhaps he will earn enough privacy points to get a shower curtain rod and a curtain in the spot where the door used to be.

 

perhaps in 2 months , the door can go back up but withhold the door knob.

 

maybe he can get that back in another month.

 

if you feel like it, you can take ransom pictures of the door and place them around places with little notes of "door misses you"

 

as silly as this whole plan sounds, i heard a motivational speaker tell of this at a seminar. he said he really did take his daughter's door when she was a teenager and it really took her months to get it all back. he said the experience that his daughter had from this taught her a lifetime of fundamentals and that it was something no one has ever forgotten.

 

sometimes a momma has to do what a momma has to do.

he should be treating both you and his (step) father with respect .

much luck to you.

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LadyInsanity

As a Mother of teens...

You freely admit you can't stand him and he has a Step-parent that feels the same way....I can see his problem....I was a teen in his shoes at one time.

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is he smoking cannabis?

 

and i think, by the sounds of it, you are far too soft on him. you're his mother...how dare he disrespect you like this? he needs boundaries, rules..and if he doesn't abide by them then he lives with the consequences - he certainly doesn't get moved to new property!!! almost like a reward. he can move to a homeless shelter.

 

i'm sorry cicada - but what are you teaching him, by accepting this disgraceful behaviour, almost rewarding it in fact? i know you're doing it for your family, but it is entirely the wrong message.

 

if he is to lead a worthwhile, fulfilling life, he has to learn some cold, hard truths - that the world doesn't owe him anything, that bad behaviour isn't rewarded, and you don't disrespect the people who love you. you can't do that by babying him and accepting foul behaviour. he needs to stand on his own two feet....really, by being so kind (and you're his mother, so i do understand) you are doing him no favours.

 

if you don't stop this now sweet, one day he will disrespect someone much bigger and badder than him, thinking he can get away with it again. and he'll learn to a heavy cost he can't.

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LadyInsanity
is he smoking cannabis?

 

and i think, by the sounds of it, you are far too soft on him. you're his mother...how dare he disrespect you like this? he needs boundaries, rules..and if he doesn't abide by them then he lives with the consequences - he certainly doesn't get moved to new property!!! almost like a reward. he can move to a homeless shelter.

 

i'm sorry cicada - but what are you teaching him, by accepting this disgraceful behaviour, almost rewarding it in fact? i know you're doing it for your family, but it is entirely the wrong message.

 

if he is to lead a worthwhile, fulfilling life, he has to learn some cold, hard truths - that the world doesn't owe him anything, that bad behaviour isn't rewarded, and you don't disrespect the people who love you. you can't do that by babying him and accepting foul behaviour. he needs to stand on his own two feet....really, by being so kind (and you're his mother, so i do understand) you are doing him no favours.

 

if you don't stop this now sweet, one day he will disrespect someone much bigger and badder than him, thinking he can get away with it again. and he'll learn to a heavy cost he can't.

 

She can't just start discipline at age 17....good luck teaching an old dog new tricks.

I can't help but feel sorry for this boy....his problems are only symptoms of a bigger issue within the family.

Family counseling can help, but the parent has to admit their shortcomings as well.....

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hi lady...she has to start. if she lets it go, it will only become worse, and he might run into really serious trouble. i agree that counselling might help, and that the parenting should ideally be strong right from the get go. but..you can't change the past. she is enabling this bad behaviour by sending him a message that it's ok (the apartment he is moving to?? no way!! he doesn't deserve it) she has to stop enabling this, and take a firm stand. if he found himself sharing a homeless hostel with street drinkers my bet is he would sort out his behaviour pretty quickly!!

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I know exactly how you feel.. my son was extremely hard as well..

 

I am allergic to teens.. lol

 

He's now on his own.. since he quit High School.. his dad and I have paid for everything, college, apartment, etc.. for 3 years and still he didn't get his diploma.. He's now working, minimum wage.. we still have to help him financially...

 

I just refused to let him go down the drain... I feel guilty for so many things with him.. I will support him and help him as much as I can...

 

Like you, I know I could never live in the same house with him.. he smokes pot and cigarettes like a chimney.. he has no respect for me.. but since he's on his own and not being able to support himself financially, we, his dad and I are still supporting him ... when he needs it.. it's not as bad anymore..

 

I just hope that one day, he will 'see the light' and become an independant citizen. I just bare the thought of him being in the streets.. I just can't.. especially when we (his dad and I) are so well off financially.. it wouldn't be fair IMO.

 

He knows I love him despite the fact that I don't think he loves me that much.. but I still feel that it's all OUR fault..

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