Child hates school and we're going through divorce

[Navin_R_Johnson]

We are soon to be divorced. Wife left, been sep almost 1 year, and we have a 9 year old. STBX and I are friendly, but a problem has come up regarding our daughter.

 

She is in one of the best private schools in the area. She has made good grades in grades 1-3 and her first half of 4th grades are all A/B. However, she hates school.

 

Even before our sep, she didn't like school, but I kinda feel that is normal for some kids. But now, W tells me she REALLY hates it, cries, dreads it, feels dumb, feels like an outcast, etc. Her grades in one subject have fallen to a C this semester, but the rest are A/B.

 

D has always had problems with focus, attention, and independence, even before our sep. But It really seems to have escalated in the pas few months.

 

W has been pressing to explore home schooling, alternative schools, and public schools. And D is pressing her hard. W is under immense pressure because of this.

 

D is severely codependent on W. When W is happy, D is happy, and vice versa. It is an extremely unhealthy situation in many ways.

 

D has started going to a counselor, but I don't have a final report yet. There seem to be self-esteem issues, self-confidence issues, etc.

 

On school, I feel that a kid with focus and independence problems NEEDS a structured school environment. W seems to be leaning towards home schooling. Problem is, we both work full time, we are not trained teachers.

 

I don't know the root of this, but on the surface it seems as if D just wants to "get out of" school. How much of this is due to the home sitch? W seems to think NONE of D's problems are due to the sep/divorce ("she's been this way for a while...", she says, but I don't see that).

 

I feel that...

 

(1) so many other parts of her life are in change, we don't need to change the school sitch now.

 

(2) W has already set a terrible life example that when you can't deal with something, just leave and try something else. She did this with her husband of 16 years, their dog...now school? W says sometimes a fresh start can be good, but I feel that at some point we (she) need to look at the root causes of the problems and not always run. I may be wrong in this particular case.

 

(3) the lack of structure of home school, our work situation, the lack of social interaction, make it a poor choice in this sitch.

 

(4) public schools here are poor. that would be a last resort, but financially it may be a necessity now.

 

I don't want to come across as an assbag, come across as forcing her to stay at private school.

 

Any opinions or advice? Thanks.

[Storyrider]

Have you asked her about specific problems she may be having with a certain teacher or other student, group of students? Sometimes hatred of school boils down to a very concrete problem, like being bullied by one or two people.

[Lizzie60]

(1) so many other parts of her life are in change, we don't need to change the school sitch now.

 

Maybe a child psychiatrist would be helpful... Maybe she has a conflict with one teacher... maybe she's being bullied at school.. you need to find out what's bothering her... I don't think that changing school is the solution. You need to find the cause first...this is primordial.

 

(2) W has already set a terrible life example that when you can't deal with something, just leave and try something else. She did this with her husband of 16 years, their dog...now school? W says sometimes a fresh start can be good, but I feel that at some point we (she) need to look at the root causes of the problems and not always run. I may be wrong in this particular case.

 

I think a professional would be best to find the problem..

 

(3) the lack of structure of home school, our work situation, the lack of social interaction, make it a poor choice in this sitch.

 

I don't know enough of your situation to comment.

 

(4) public schools here are poor. that would be a last resort, but financially it may be a necessity now.

 

I don't think that the change of school is the solution..

[Navin_R_Johnson]

Have you asked her about specific problems she may be having with a certain teacher or other student, group of students? Sometimes hatred of school boils down to a very concrete problem, like being bullied by one or two people.

 

The only thing we get is that it is too hard. Back to the focus issue. She is smart, but has trouble retaining some stuff, but her grades don't really show it. The schools is a safe, comfortable, private Christian school. All parents are very active...we all know what's going on there.

 

W seems hesitant to even talk with her current teacher (I insist on it as a first action). Is W afraid of the judgment of being a walkaway, filing for divorce in the eyes of the school? I doubt it, but maybe. She says "they're a business, and they'll want to keep her there." But to me, this is the obvious first step to see where D stands.

 

Thanks.

[Storyrider]

Yes, of course you should talk to the teacher. How could you pull her out of school without doing so? That would be silly.

 

Also, keep in mind that your D may not be immediately forthcoming about the reasons she is uncomfortable in school. Information from kids doesn't always come out directly.

[Lizzie60]

The only thing we get is that it is too hard. Back to the focus issue. She is smart, but has trouble retaining some stuff, but her grades don't really show it. The schools is a safe, comfortable, private Christian school. All parents are very active...we all know what's going on there.

 

W seems hesitant to even talk with her current teacher (I insist on it as a first action). Is W afraid of the judgment of being a walkaway, filing for divorce in the eyes of the school? I doubt it, but maybe. She says "they're a business, and they'll want to keep her there." But to me, this is the obvious first step to see where D stands.

 

Thanks.

 

Why don't YOU go talk to the teacher? You're the father, and that's your responsibility not just your W.. no?

[Navin_R_Johnson]

Why don't YOU go talk to the teacher? You're the father, and that's your responsibility not just your W.. no?

 

It's scheduled for this week, with or without D's mother. This whole ordeal just came up in the past few weeks. STBX moves very quickly these days.

[Lizzie60]

Good luck...

 

My son was 12 when I left.. it was hell for him for a few years..

He already hated school... he had problems and was charged.. went to court.. we had to pay a lot of money for lawyers.. etc... we went through hell as well.. it's not easy..

 

The last time he was in court... we took a lawyer, again... I wrote a letter to the judge, our lawyer gave it to the judge in court.. she read it silently and said something very nice.. she was 'touched' by my letter and decided to follow what I had written... case was dismissed.. and it was the end of his problems with the justice..

 

You'll need a lot of courage.. but remember it's even harder for your daughter...

[Navin_R_Johnson]

Good luck...

 

My son was 12 when I left.. it was hell for him for a few years..

 

 

I try to separate the two issues (divorce and D's problems), but I have trouble doing so. Regardless, I can't control the divorce, and we are working very well at being great parents.

 

When we talk to D about the divorce, she says "no, everything's great". But I don't really think it is...I think she doesn't know what to think.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what part did your divorce play in your son's problems?

 

Thanks.

[Lizzie60]

I try to separate the two issues (divorce and D's problems), but I have trouble doing so. Regardless, I can't control the divorce, and we are working very well at being great parents.

 

When we talk to D about the divorce, she says "no, everything's great". But I don't really think it is...I think she doesn't know what to think.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what part did your divorce play in your son's problems?

 

Thanks.

 

It is hard for a young child to verbalize their emotions.. I think a professional would help.. that is our worst 'thing' not taking him to a psychiatrist.. when we first separate.. I didn't know how to handle the situation back then.. I was overwhelmed myself with my own evils..

 

He was later 'followed' by counsellors.. but I think it was a little too late.. anyway..it's hard to say if it was indeed the separation that cause all the problems.. we'll never know for sure.

 

I think my son never forgave me for leaving.. to this day we can hardly talk about it.. he is still extremely sensitive about it.. he gets very emotional.. he's almost 24 now..

 

To be honest, I don't really know how much our separation weigh in the balance... I wish I knew.

 

He's always been an extremely difficult child.. since he was born... so it's hard to say if the separation even played a part. but I guess it didn't help.

[Navin_R_Johnson]

The teacher conference went pretty well. She is a good, caring teacher. W attended, too.

 

Teacher was totally unaware fo the emotional issues D was having....D hides it from me, too, and only freaks out to W. On academics, she said D is doing "fine". She struggles in one subject but is at the top 1/3 of the rank in the class in that subject. Teacher will work with the other teachers to work on D's confidence, self esteem, etc. and try to help her not worry so much, not put as much pressure on herself. I asked "where does she stand? Is she ready for 5th?". "Definitely!" She said she's a little young but sees no problem being ready for 5th.

 

Thanks.