LOVE DAISIES Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 I have never had children.I am 33 but I hope to someday have them. I am curious to know how much having a child (even ONE) changes a relationship between a couple? Is it more stressful? Does it make it better? Espcecially if the child was not planned ? Does it make the chances of a relationship lasting MORE likely or less? Any feedback is appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Arch Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 lol, you don't need to have a kid to know your relationship will change drastically, good or bad, it all depends on how you handle it and how you perceive the situation. You will no longer be the center of attention, your child will be. Link to post Share on other sites
older_no_wiser Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 Hahahahahahahahahahahah! You need to ask???? It makes the relationship between the parents more stressful. It means you have less time, less money, less of everything either for you both as a couple or for yourself as an individual. It won't "fix" a relationship, improve a relationship or make anything "better". It separates the weak from the strong; the adults from the kids; the selfish from the un-selfish. I would not advocate it to ANYBODY unless both partners want to be parents, both are willing to stick around to see it through and both are grown up enough to out somebody else first for about the next 20 years or so. Without thanks, reward or financial recompense!!!!! Don't think of having a baby - think of having a 16 year old. Who might be a wonderful extension of its parents but might also be a surly, uncontrolable, ungrateful, brat that bears no conceivable resemblance to anybody or anything you have ever seen in either family before. Think about 16 years of being tested to the limits in ways you can currently only dream of and often when suffering from extreme sleep depravation. Picture you and your partner at that stage and if it still seems like a good idea and you're pretty sure you'd still be together......! Lol. Meg Link to post Share on other sites
Aloros Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 Well my fiance and I are full custodial parents to his son, a ten-year-old. It definitely changes your relationship. Kids can be sweet and wonderful, but they are also unavoidably unappreciative. And you know that screaming child in the grocery store that you swear up and down will never happen to you? IT WILL. Doesn't matter how well you raise your kid. He/she will have a massive breakdown at one point or another, probably more than once. You end up talking about the child and discipline a lot more than you would normally. It's stressful when the kid misbehaves, and if you let it affect you emotionally, it can get in the way of your relationship. Things have worked out fine for us. He has an earlier bedtime, plays with his friends on weekends, and sometimes goes to sleepovers, so that's when we get our "us" time. We try not to take his misbehavior personally, and separate that from the love and passion we have for one another. Link to post Share on other sites
MissMaris Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 Well , no kids of my own but have been dating someone with two kids and we spend a fair amount of time around them (he has them every other weekend) I have to say, these kids are great! Smart, funny, fun to be around. However, the 'feeling' between my BF and I is so different when the kids are there. We have to go into 'full adult' mode, you know? Make sure they're not fighting over something, breaking anything, doing something they shoudn't. They vie for our attention constantly. And they're LOUD. That's just the way kids are. They always need you to be doing for them too -- taking them places, watching them, helping them through something, fixing them food, going shopping for them. It never ends. At the end of the day, we are both out of money and energy. they kids finally go to sleep and he and I have a little time to talk, have a glass of wine and hold hands before we turn in. it's exhausting I don't think I could do it full time. Romance is just non existant when the kids are taking up your full attention. You have to be ready for that. Of course, you can find ways nad means to make time for your relationship, I'm not saying it's impossible. But wow, it can be hard. Just make sure you're BOTH ready to sacrifice. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 I am curious to know how much having a child (even ONE) changes a relationship between a couple? Is it more stressful? Does it make it better? Espcecially if the child was not planned ? Does it make the chances of a relationship lasting MORE likely or less? 1. Our relationship changed from nearly purely sexual/dating to parenting partners/best friends. It added a dimension of love and bonding to each other that wasn't there before. I have to admit though, that it did nothing for our sex life. Our primary focus was friends and family. 2. It was stressful at first because our daughter was born at 28 weeks, and spent her first three months in the hospital. It was touch and go for a while, and that in and of itself was stressful. When she got home she was on a heart monitor and liquid caffeine for six months - again, stressful having to pay such attention to all the medical stuff. It was not a "normal" babyhood that first year, so our stressors were perhaps different than most people's. Some people worry about sleeping through the night. We worried about her living through the night. 3. It was better for us, yes. We decided to get married when she came home from the hospital. The events of her birth and struggle to live bonded us for life, and we knew we wanted to be in each other's life in some way or other for good. 4. Our child was not planned. I was on birth control pills and had an unfortunate incident with some antibiotics. We barely knew each other. I think if circumstances had been different, we may not have ended up the way we did. We grew together as she grew. The husband and wife thing didn't work out, but we are still very much family to each other. We always will be. The odds of us working out we a gazillion to one. It worked out well for us because of the nature of how we bonded through a traumatic situation, but I don't recommend anyone trying to build a family with a near stranger with an unplanned child. It rarely if ever works out. If romance is your goal, understand this: as a general rule H + W + baby = changed romance and sex life. The parameters of your relationship change and emotions shift, build and reprioritize and your relationship will forever be altered. Sometimes for the stronger, sometimes for the weaker. Depends on what you have going into it I guess, and how you bond during the pregnancy/birth. Link to post Share on other sites
cicada Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 I have never had children.I am 33 but I hope to someday have them. I am curious to know how much having a child (even ONE) changes a relationship between a couple? Is it more stressful? Does it make it better? Espcecially if the child was not planned ? Does it make the chances of a relationship lasting MORE likely or less? Any feedback is appreciated. I am going to be completely honest with you with my opinion here.. having a child changes everything about your relationship , the priority becomes the child not each other. no matter what people say i know this to be true with myself and all the people i know. which eventually will eat away at your relationship . is it more stressfull ?? of course it is ` very very stressfull , it is hard work , you got to worry about child care, child developement , childs friends, the horrible teenager years and all the extra responsibilities with that. having a child does not make relationships better, i would say it makes relationships worse. at first couples swoon over their little babies but over time it just adds too much stress. and friendships will suffer too because you will be too busy with your child to hang out with others, even if they have kids you will pretty much be allienated from especially friends without kids. Planned or not children put a strain on the relationship. and i think it makes the chances of a couple splitting up much greater. I have kids , a teen and a toddler . i have them so I take care of them and of course i love them ( well my teen i dont know these days) because they are my kids. but i wont lie to anyone and say how great it is to have kids. it is a responsibility . you love them and it is a responsibility . it isnt easy . you have to think why do you want kids ? is it because family is saying when ? or maybe you think it is the next step ? or maybe you want to experience it .. i tell you . most parents wont admit to how unhappy they are with having kids because they think they will be judged for it , i know i love my kids , but i raise them cause i love them , cause i had them and they are my responsibility . but i dont want anymore. i think if you have friends that have children and they tell you it's great ~ they arent your friend. anyway that is just just my honest opinion. people can disagree if they want but that is the way i see it . Link to post Share on other sites
ProudMommy Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 My husband and I had our first child when we had been married for 2 years. And yes, it did change our relationship...a lot. Not necessarily in a bad way. Not at all. It just changed. Things aren't all about us anymore. Now it's all about the kids. It's easier to grow apart after having kids because you become so focused on your children that you forget to take that time out to just spend with each other and stay connected. But it's just very important to take time out to do that...to have a date night, to talk to each other regularly, spend time alone, etc. Having kids will definitely change things, but it doesn't have to be a bad change. Link to post Share on other sites
directx Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 It keeps you REAL busy! Less attention on yourselves and more on the child, which is a fun thing if you do it together. For instance, after work i come straight home, play with the kids, help them with their homework, do more laundry, and get them to bed. Then its around 8 to 9PM, watch a little tv and catch up on work and some time with the wife. Weekends get more busy with taking them to their friends house, sleepovers, and birthday parties. And then getting them ready in the morning! ugh! And you NEVER get anywhere on time unless you make time for another 20 to 30 minutes! And with sex, you better get locks on the doors or sneak some at odd times when they are not around, etc. But its fun! I wouldn't trade all my spare time with the kids for anything. Time flies fast, and you can't predict the future, so enjoy each minute with them in case something happens. Link to post Share on other sites
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