Problem 16 Year Old

[confused39]

Hi, all. Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom you might share.

 

I have 3 children - the older 2 are doing ok, out on their own, making their way in the world. My youngest is 16. Their father and I have been divorced for 13-14 years. He is a drug addict and alcoholic and has only contributed negatively in their lives.

 

My 16 year old....I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm on the verge of kicking her out.

 

At 12, she was out of control, practically a run away, and stole $400 from me by swiping my debit card and going to the ATM.

 

She had a baby at 14. I'm now helping her raise my grandson...and he is THE light of my life.

 

A month ago, while her child was WITH her, she was caught trying to shoplife from a dept. store. Now "I" have to pay $100 for HER willfully doing wrong.

 

She is the most ungrateful, unpleasant person I've ever known. She feels so entitled to everything - and she's so undeserving of every little thing she DOES have.

 

Has anyone kicked out their teenager? Is that what I need to do? Therapy won't work - she refuses to go.

[melodymatters]

I SO feel for you ! I was thinking of starting my own thread about my 14 yr old.

 

She now refuses to go to school, has an older BF, does drugs and walks out the door whenever she feels like it, and comes home whenever she feels like THAT.

 

I can't kick out a 14 yr old, so I am looking into different programs. Call your county mental health services, or juvenile justice or whoever, and find out what legal rights and resources you have.

 

Good luck and keep posting !

[justpassingthrough]

Mom, first let me tell you how sorry I am you're going through this. My daughter put me through it from 14-17. She's in the Job Corps program right now, where she finished high school and she's learning a career trade and, thank goodness, it's working out really well for her. It's been a rough one and, come May, when she turns 18, I will rest easy.

 

Now that I've told you I've walked in shoes similar to yours, let me give you my perspective. You have two choices:

 

1.) You can kick her out and you don't even have to kick her out to do it - you can emancipate her instead. In fact, that was one of the things that prompted my daughter to choose Job Corps: I told her we would move back to Michigan (where we're from) so I could emancipate her and told her we were doing it at the end of August (last year). She left for Job Corps the last week of July. Emancipation means they are adults in the eyes of the law and you would no longer be responsible for her or her behavior.

 

2,) You can choose (and you do have choices) let her and the baby stay and let her grow up a little bit (she really isn't THAT mature, is she?), take the brunt of her work load off of her shoulders and help her with the baby, and endure it for a couple more years.

 

And, mom, there's someone in her life who helps her feel entitled; it's a two-way street. And that someone needs to change their behavior or start giving her everything she feels entitled to. KWIM?

 

Regardless, time is on your side. They DO turn 18, eventually.

 

Let us know how it goes.

[sally4sara]

I have seen this a lot when I was growing up. I guess it was just that kind of neighborhood.

 

I left home before I finished high school and had many conflicts with my mother. While I didn't get pregnant, many of my friends did.

 

I've only seen two things happen with problematic teen age mom's and conflicts with their families.

 

1. You have defined rock bottom for them. It is a hard position to be in, but has the wonderful quality of giving someone no choice but to work up and become responsible and self reliant. They end up realizing what you did for them and how badly they needed the wake up call.

 

2. They find a way to get by, but barely. Their quality of life is never very rewarding and their children suffer the burden of having a poor example to live up to. Most of the times it went this way, the teen mom was also a child who suffered this same burden by their parental example.

[johnnyj]

She is the most ungrateful, unpleasant person I've ever known.

 

And you made her. She is your creation.

 

She's only 16.... how could all this have happened in such little time. Spend more time with your daughter, give her the attention she needs and deserves. She's *YOU*.. once you understand that, things will be easier.

[Kasan]

A month ago, while her child was WITH her, she was caught trying to shoplife from a dept. store. Now "I" have to pay $100 for HER willfully doing wrong.

 

Sorry, I am old-school here, but why would you pay her $100 fine?

 

Mom, you are enabling the bad behavior by bailing her out.

 

As harsh as this sounds, she needs to take responsibility for her rotten decisions. She will never do this if you constantly make things right.

 

If you are caring for the baby, then let the chips fall where they may.

 

Good luck--they do eventually grow up and become wonderful.

[cicada]

Sorry, I am old-school here, but why would you pay her $100 fine?

 

Mom, you are enabling the bad behavior by bailing her out.

 

As harsh as this sounds, she needs to take responsibility for her rotten decisions. She will never do this if you constantly make things right.

 

If you are caring for the baby, then let the chips fall where they may.

 

Good luck--they do eventually grow up and become wonderful.

 

I don't know if it is bailing her out since she is 16 the mother is unfortunately responsible for whatever crazy chaos this child wants to cause. the good news here is this is your youngest, meaning the last one you have to raise.

i do feel your pain original poster, I have a seventeen year old son who gives me a hard time, not like your daughter does you but i do feel your pain . as you know you are not alone.

 

If your daughter is not getting any better , and I know you love your grand daughter maybe discuss you becoming a legal guardian of your grand daughter , that way you dont have to worry about your daughter dragging your grandchild into crazy situations. that way when she turns 18 tell her to get out . when she straightenes out or when she hits her bottom she will come to you for help , and i think that is when she can be helped. right now she thinks the world revolves around her , and it does because she has made it this way . I am a firm believer that kids will be who they are , it isnt all the parents fault. youhang in there, focus on your grandchild for now that will keep you strong.

[Kasan]

I don't know if it is bailing her out since she is 16 the mother is unfortunately responsible for whatever crazy chaos this child wants to cause.

 

I am wondering if her daughter has a part-time job, and who is footing the bills for the baby. If the daughter has a part-time job than she should be able to pay her fine, not her mother.

 

I am very sympathetic to the OP, as I know how hard it is to raise kids. I don't know what it is, but my daughter was the tough one in my family too.

[Green]

hey her daughter did get pregnant at like 14 or 15 or something I mean the mother should have been watching out for her. Were your other children boys? maybe you only know how to raise men. On a more posotive note try joining a suport group for mothers in your situation maybe they will have good advice on what they did to get on the right path. Or you could get a live in nanny type person like in that show charles in charge

[confused39]

Thanks for all your replies.

 

First to respond to the words that stung - she got pregnant at 14. Barely 14. Gave birth at 14. Where was I? I was there...not oblivious, but had talked and talked to her about sex, about birth control, her response was always "I don't need birth control, I'm not having sex." Until I caught the father of her baby, a 16-year-old, in her room. When we went to the doc for birth control, we were told she was pregnant. Devastating. But, I look at my grandson now and can't imagine my life without him.

 

No, she doesn't work - she's still in high school. I foot the bills. I work two jobs to foot the bills, actually, and she shows absolutely no appreciation of her mother ALLOWING her to keep her baby, much less for working my butt off to keep us afloat. That's why I have to pay the $100. I've garnished her allowance, however, to pay the $100, and she's highly ticked off at that. After all, she intended to go SHOPPING, she says and its not fair for me to take her allowance.

 

She's shown zero remorse for the shoplifting. Court is on Monday. I'm hoping the judge allows me the chance to speak.

[Touche]

Just curious here. If the judge allows you to speak what will you say?

[confused39]

I plan to ask for some court-ordered counseling, for her, AND us. And to request that if she's required to do community service, that it be something where she sees first hand where bad choices and not taking responsbility for one's actions gets you.

[Kasan]

I plan to ask for some court-ordered counseling, for her, AND us. And to request that if she's required to do community service, that it be something where she sees first hand where bad choices and not taking responsbility for one's actions gets you.

 

Good for you, I hope that the court asks for you to speak.

[Touche]

I plan to ask for some court-ordered counseling, for her, AND us. And to request that if she's required to do community service, that it be something where she sees first hand where bad choices and not taking responsbility for one's actions gets you.

 

That's excellent!

 

And hang in there. She'll grow up and one day she'll appreciate everything you're now doing for her. Don't worry about her seeming to be ungrateful now. Just keep being the good parent you seem to be.

[Kasan]

Is there any reason that she can't get a part-time job even though she is in high school, which I think is terrific that she is lucky enough to have your support to continue school.

[Touche]

Is there any reason that she can't get a part-time job even though she is in high school, which I think is terrific that she is lucky enough to have your support to continue school.

 

I would agree with that. She really shouldn't be out shopping or going to parties, etc. When/how will she learn responsibility. Who buys the diapers and other necessities for the baby? Does she contribute at all? Learning responsibility and accountability starts at home.

[curiousnycgirl]

Ok lot's of questions. I'm glad she is still in school, but then who watches the baby while she is there? If the baby is in daycare, then why can't your daughter work after school? I am stunned that she is still getting allowance, and if she is, that it is not required to be used for diapers, baby clothes, etc - in other words whatever her son needs.

 

Is the baby's father or his family providing anything?

 

What reprecussions has she had to face for her choices/actions? Sounds like you are shouldering the whole load while she is still being allowed to be a teenager. While that would be fine if she hadn't made such life altering choices, she has - so now she needs to face the music. No?

[confused39]

The baby's father is not involved - which I'm glad about. He wouldn't be a good influence. His family isn't involved, either, past a phone call to my daughter now and then.

 

I can't afford daycare for after school. She wouldn't be able to make enough to pay for it with an after-school job. I was planning to buy her a car this year, but with the high level of irresponsiblity she's displaying, it ain't happening. With a car, she could take the baby to a personal friend or my elder daughter to keep while she worked a few hours in the evening, as I work 2 jobs and can't do any transporting in the evenings. Weekend only work isn't plentiful - which is when I could get her to and from.

 

I initiated her allowance to give her spending money, because it just seems impossible for her TO work right now. She does spend the money on the baby, and on herself. It's not some paltry sum, either, which makes the whole shoplifting thing ludicrous.

 

I get some financial aid from the state we live in - it covers diapers, necessities, daycare, etc. There's no way I could pay for daycare on my own.

 

I'd thought that her whole life changing would be more than enough repercussion from having gotten pregnant. She's not a normal teenager - no dates, a few Friday night football games, but she's lucky to have a few very close girl friends that seem like a network of mothers to the baby.

 

We don't live extravagantly, and she's lost her cell phone due to the shoplifting. There's really nothing else I could "take" as punishment. As far as her facing the music, she's the one who provides the baby's 24/7 care. I don't - won't - do it. I am, of course, in the background making sure everything's taken care of, but I never allowed myself to take over his care, as much as I'm tempted to sometimes. I'm just his gramma - and I get to have all the fun with him. Well, most of the time. Those terrible two's have arrived a couple months early, I think.

 

Thanks, everyone.

[curiousnycgirl]

If my post sounded challenging, I'm sorry - it wasn't meant to. My heart really does go out to you for the load you are carrying. I can only pray that she straightens out and in time brings you the joy you have hoped for since she was born!

[Nevermind]

I am not 16 anymore and I am not a mother, so everything I say might be stupid. Forgive me for that.

 

Cut your daughter's allowance. Yes, you heard correct. No allowance, nothing fixed. You pay for food and rent and everything she needs. But don't give her pocket money. Not as a punishment, but to make her understand that money doesn't come by itself. Do give her something when she is helping you in the household, as a reward or payment. If it's weird or she acts angry at the prospect of getting paid, install a big jar in the kitchen with her name on it and put the money there.

 

If she steals again, enter her in a community programme. Enroll her as a volunteer in a soup kitchen, drive her there one weekend. Tell her to look at the people she is serving food, because that's where she might end.

 

Do all that in a normal, calm way. People listen better if they are not being yelled at. Also, if you are angry she will think you'll change your mind once you've got your nerves down again. So: be calm. Know what you are doing. Have a firm stand. When you tell her something, don't change your mind. She needs borders, limits.

 

Getting a job for your daughter is difficult, I know. You could try to advert a baby-sitting service at your home. Meaning that parents are taking their toddlers to your home and your daughter watches them after school. If she is taking care of her son 24/7 she should be able to do that, right? I don't know if she is responsible enough, but it would be one option.

 

Create a positive environment when she did something right. Really, be glad, give her a little treat, whatever. Sometimes when people have disappointed us a lot and they do something right, we are just not appreciative. We think that this one incident doesn't make up for all the other ones and forget about giving encouragement to go further down the right path.

 

Get help from your other children. Is your daughter perceptive to their comments and suggestions? Maybe they can help her out with little jobs she could do at home.

 

Good luck! Never give up hope.

[confused39]

Thanks to all of you for for your suggestions. Even the rude one.

 

I'm hanging in there. Hopeful that court on Monday will be a wake-up call.

 

Will keep you posted.

 

[Touche]

Good luck, Confused!

 

Nevermind, that was a wonderful post.

[moosesoxide]

you may think this is the wrong way to go but i say upend her and spank her for it...and see if she does it again, if so spank her with somethin harder belt or strap

[curiousnycgirl]

you may think this is the wrong way to go but i say upend her and spank her for it...and see if she does it again, if so spank her with somethin harder belt or strap

 

You joined this site to post that type of rubbish?! Please go away.

 

Confused - what happened in court?

[cicada]

i am dealing with an obnoxious 17 year old , i would say if she got somewhere to go let her go ~ the aggravation just isnt worth it . I have about lost my mind with my own teenager, so like i said if she got a place to go , even if it is a boyfriends house , let her go . I dont like it when people say that you are enabling or whatnots , kids have a responsibility as well to be a good child....... by teenager years , saying that they act the way they do cause they are teens is a total cop out, there are normal decent teenagers out there, and my son isnt one of them and niether is her daughter. we can only do our best but if our older child doesnt want to even put a little effort into it them forget them . it doesnt mean you dont love them .. it just means that you are just mentally and emotionally winded at this point. I know the feeling. i fight with guilt sometimes when i think of how i feel toward my teen but then when i think of all the things he does almost daily .. i know that it isnt that i dont want the teenage problems anymore and want to live a care free life ~ it is more that for my own mental survival he needs to go . especially when you have younger kids to raise in the house.