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i am so close to just being done with my teen


kobegirl

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I swear , I dont think i can take much more from my teen . he doesnt do drugs nor is he in a gang or anything like that but he is an utter irritant ! i cant even put it into words . this is not regular teen behavior . I am soo fed up !

 

it is hard to describe you have to be here daily to see what my teen does , I mean it is hard to handle . he does annoying things just to be annoying and that sounds like typical teen behavior but it isnt trust me. I describe it as causing me mental anguish , i feel like he is abusing me emotionally .

 

I told him already ( he is 17) that i would pay for his college , all he has to do is follow a few simple rules such as keeping food out of his room , dont pick on the younger brother , dont pick on the animals in this house and be respectfull .. the reaction i get from his is ... "HA ! " like a whatever . . and then he is sometimes ok but it doesnt last everything i have asked him not to do a million times he still does with a smile !

 

I am seriously thinking of giving him alot of money and tell him goodbye and goodluck with your life when he is 18 ! forget my number ! i really am getting to the point where i seriously dislike my teenager and I feel soo much anxiety on a daily basis where i feel like jumping out of my skin and he knows this but yet continues .

 

i do feel some guilt for feeling the way i do but at the same time , i feel like it is the only way for me to survive this turmoil he has caused and continues to cause!

 

tonight he was being stupid once again ! 11 45 pm and he says he is bored , i tell him curfue is 10 pm . he needs to be in his room after 10 pm .

he hangs out in the living room just standing there staring at the wall knowing that i want him out of my sight already . then i tell him he needs to get in his room and go sleep if he is bored!~ he says he is so bored he thinks he wants to go for a walk ! of course to aggitate me . my heart raced , and pounded . i just cant take this crap anymore ! i have talked to him many many of times and he says he understands but he repeats the same crazy behaviors !

 

I feel like i am going to have either an anurism or heart attack because of him any day now. this is really unhealthy for me . i am just sooo fed up .anywhere he is in this house he manages to make a ton of noise , opening closing doors loudly , as if to get attention , stomping in the house just to make me aware of his presence. i am fed up . i am getting to the point where i dont care if someone thinks i am a bad mother . i just think all the time how much happier i would be with him out of here! .

 

i am not completely set on making him leave yet but it is getting pretty bad . he feels like the monster in the basement to me . my other option is to just put up with it but i tell you i am completely frazzled already . just dont know what i am going to do . i guess time will tell.

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Please please don't just write me off when I say this and stick with me a bit here.

 

What he is doing is completely normal and on top of that is just peanuts compared to what I put my mom through when i was 17 ;)

 

I think you are actually the one with the issues here you have to learn to let go a bit. Forcing a 17yo to go to bed at 10 is (kind of strange in my opinion) just asking for trouble and is micromanaging. You are trying to control him and he is rebelling against that.

 

How is it productive to use collage tuition as a bartering tool to get someone to pick up their room?

 

The more you squeeze him the more you are just going to cause an artery to pop in you head.

 

You sound like you are wasting all of your energy will little things and for him it is just nagging. He is not taking your serious anymore and has lost respect for you. Maybe by treating him a little more like the young adult he is you might be able to gain some of that respect in return.

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The more you squeeze him the more you are just going to cause an artery to pop in you head.

 

That is so funny and so true!! My daughter was horrible and my son was a piece of cake.

 

My colitis disappeared when my daughter went to college--I was liberated from those stomach churning days.:)

 

We are all fine now and get along just great!!! Now that some time has gone by--some of the stuff that the kids pulled was pretty funny...although not at the time.

 

You will get through this, we all do, it is just part of the process of them becoming independent adults.:)

 

Also, in this day and age of drugs and gangs, I would get down on my hands and knees and thank whomever for sparing me and my son this!!!!

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I think most parents can relate to your feelings of total exasperation. But I agree with the others in that you must take a moment to step back every now and then to put things back into perspective. I’m tempted to share a host of personal teen “horror” stories of my own just to help you realize how really fortunate you are on the spectrum. But I’m also worried that doing that might seem as if I’m discounting your reasons for feeling the way you do.

 

And your right ... he IS doing it because he’s looking for a reaction. He’s found a way to get your goat when he’s equally annoyed with your presence. So throw him for a loop, and instead of behaving like a raging Pavlovian dog (like he expects) every time he dangles the bait ... choose your battles wisely and only show your teeth when you have defend your ground on the IMPORTANT issues.

 

I know ... easier said than done when it comes to breaking old habits and patterns. But you’re almost there, Mom. Only ONE MORE YEAR and you can chalk this one up as a triumph at having gotten at least one adolescent through to adulthood without them accidentally killing themselves. And believe me... as numpty, often suicidal and immortal (as they think they are) that’s sometimes the very best we can do as parents in this day and age.

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Please please don't just write me off when I say this and stick with me a bit here.

 

What he is doing is completely normal and on top of that is just peanuts compared to what I put my mom through when i was 17 ;)

 

I think you are actually the one with the issues here you have to learn to let go a bit. Forcing a 17yo to go to bed at 10 is (kind of strange in my opinion) just asking for trouble and is micromanaging. You are trying to control him and he is rebelling against that.

 

How is it productive to use collage tuition as a bartering tool to get someone to pick up their room?

 

The more you squeeze him the more you are just going to cause an artery to pop in you head.

 

You sound like you are wasting all of your energy will little things and for him it is just nagging. He is not taking your serious anymore and has lost respect for you. Maybe by treating him a little more like the young adult he is you might be able to gain some of that respect in return.

well the 10 pm thing is about me having some time to myself , he doesnt have to sleep . he has a tv, computer ect in his roomm and his room is a mess . i just give him a few rules , very simple ones. he has no chores , the only thing i expect out of him is good grades ( or at least decent ones) and just give me my time in the evenings .

 

i understand what you are saying to a point . I am not giving someone respect if they cant follow very very simple rules. i am the parent . he needs to respect that, . not vice versa. i really dont care if he doesnt respect me , cause it is clear he does not. it is his choice to behave the way he is . it isnt all immaturity , it is out of entertaining himself. he isnt 12 , he is 17 and should know better. I am going to try to stick it out with him , that would be the best , but if he continues to choose to kick dirt in my face, and it is between having him here and my sanity , then he is out.

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That is so funny and so true!! My daughter was horrible and my son was a piece of cake.

 

My colitis disappeared when my daughter went to college--I was liberated from those stomach churning days.:)

 

We are all fine now and get along just great!!! Now that some time has gone by--some of the stuff that the kids pulled was pretty funny...although not at the time.

 

You will get through this, we all do, it is just part of the process of them becoming independent adults.:)

 

Also, in this day and age of drugs and gangs, I would get down on my hands and knees and thank whomever for sparing me and my son this!!!!

 

lol .. stomach churning days ,, Perfect discription! .. that is how i feel .. along with a elevated blood pressure lol.. oh i am gratefull he doesnt do drugs , but you never know what they do when you arent around them . i always try to think of the positives to get me through the day .. that just goes to show how much he has gotten under my skin,that even thinking positively doesnt help. I know I am not the only one dealing with this , i just wasnt this way when i was a teen . i wasnt perfect but i did give my mom her space when i felt that she needed it . I dont know , he just seems so arrogant in his actions. but what you said does help . just have to be reminded that some of this is normal .

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I think most parents can relate to your feelings of total exasperation. But I agree with the others in that you must take a moment to step back every now and then to put things back into perspective. I’m tempted to share a host of personal teen “horror” stories of my own just to help you realize how really fortunate you are on the spectrum. But I’m also worried that doing that might seem as if I’m discounting your reasons for feeling the way you do.

 

And your right ... he IS doing it because he’s looking for a reaction. He’s found a way to get your goat when he’s equally annoyed with your presence. So throw him for a loop, and instead of behaving like a raging Pavlovian dog (like he expects) every time he dangles the bait ... choose your battles wisely and only show your teeth when you have defend your ground on the IMPORTANT issues.

 

I know ... easier said than done when it comes to breaking old habits and patterns. But you’re almost there, Mom. Only ONE MORE YEAR and you can chalk this one up as a triumph at having gotten at least one adolescent through to adulthood without them accidentally killing themselves. And believe me... as numpty, often suicidal and immortal (as they think they are) that’s sometimes the very best we can do as parents in this day and age.

 

i have been thinking of different ways to deal with this and you are right changing my reactions is difficult. i wasnt given so much freedom as a child and maybe i gave him too much and now he feels entitled. life will eventually give him the lessons he does not want to learn from me . i wish it was one more year.. he will still be here after 18 . i am thinking he will be hear at least for another 5 years. that is , if he doesnt make me insane enought to throw him out( with money ) .

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You need a little help. Your emotional engine is revving way too high. You are suffering from anxiety, and it's really not all the kids fault. Please see a doctor. The proper prescription will probaly make you feel much better. There's no need to live at that kind of stress level. You're getting overly angry at things that don't make others bat an eyelash. At 17, he's almost ready to run his own life and you have to start allowing him to practice that. Does he have a job? A girlfriend? If not, he needs one of each. Does he have a car? Ditto! I'd also say he needs to be involved in some activities as well, but at 17, it's time for a part-time job. If he's not drinking, doing drugs, or getting into trouble, and he's getting good grades, you should probably let him off the chain a bit. Keeping him in his room after ten every night seems a little wierd as well. You should be comfortable spending time in his company, talking to him.

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I don't know if i would be very happy if my mom confined me to my room just because she wanted to get me out of her hair and wanted time alone. He is a person too, you can't just confine him to a room like some pet whenever it is inconvenient to have him around. If I were him I would be very depressed about the fact that my mother wants me in my room by ten simple because she can't stand my mere presence. I bet your son feels kind of unloved, like he is just another responsibility on your list. If you want him to show you respect don't treat him like some kind of inconvenience.

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KenzieAbsolutely

if he really isn't doing anything wrong after 10 while he's at home and under your roof, then why don't you go to your own room to get peace and quiet instead of banning him to his kid-cave? it sounds like he's trying to test you because you make it so obvious that you need a break from him. and that hurts the feelings of even the most obnoxious kids.

 

sometimes, it's what makes a kid obnoxious in the first place--they need the attention.

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I have a 15 year old and an 11 year old. Neither one of them is currently speaking to me as a result of the ongoing divorce situation. When I was home, I took their love for granted.

 

Now I miss them both terribly. I think you will miss your son more than you realize, once he moves out.

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I don't know if i would be very happy if my mom confined me to my room just because she wanted to get me out of her hair and wanted time alone. He is a person too, you can't just confine him to a room like some pet whenever it is inconvenient to have him around. If I were him I would be very depressed about the fact that my mother wants me in my room by ten simple because she can't stand my mere presence. I bet your son feels kind of unloved, like he is just another responsibility on your list. If you want him to show you respect don't treat him like some kind of inconvenience.

 

I dont think there is anything wrong with telling him that I do need some time for myself. it isnt like he is staring at 4 walls doing nothing but trying to fall asleep . he has everything you can imagine in there , could be a studio apartment. I tell him I Love him but i really just need some time for myself. there has to be boundries in a home . even if I didnt need "me" time he shouldnt be staying up all night on a school night anyway. kids need boundries and rules. when they are adults , and 18 , sure they can make their own decisions but if they still have to follow the rules of the house . If they can't do that , I think they should move out.

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tonight has been a pretty rough night . my teen had a rough day at school, he got into an argument with a girl at school. not a girlfriend just someone he doesnt like. so he comes home with a serious chip on his shoulder. this is when he takes it out on all of us . he pretty much tried to pick a fight with me by arguing about everything , i tried to talk to him about how he was feeling but then he just raised his voice , he also let me know that he had hit some trees downstairs and made such a racket running down the stairs forcefully while us parents werent home , that the downstairs neighbor came out and my son told me that he was looking at out neighbor not so kindly and sat down . why my son is sharing this with me i dont know. he knows how upset i will be since our neighbors are nice, my teen just doesnt like them cause he doesnt like people around here he says.

 

then all night he was on the couch next to my husband and just pushing it as far as he could go with attitude. my husband talked to him calmly about how rough school can be and i guess my teen was not happy that he wasnt getting under my husbands skin so then my teen preseeded to jump up hard onto the floor ( we are on the top of a two level with downstairs neighbors and he knows it) run to a closet push and punch the door and ran back to the couch nect to my husband and said " i cant stand living here in this small apartment and in this stupid state. trust me , my stomach was all knotted up in sickness. my husband stayed calm . my teen told me he needed to go out for a walk (8pm) because it was feeling to crowded in this apartment so I told him go then cause i was afraid of what would happen if I didnt say go . anyway he came back my husband changed the subject and my teen was acting normal until my husband went to bed. . then he started with me , telling me he was stuck here and college would take too long and he cant live here ( the state or this apt ) i told him that he wasnt stuck , he has choices. but he needs to be taking his decision very seriously .i told him it would be better if he stayed here and went to college. no matter what i said calmly , he kept pushing it with me . my younger son had homework and i just couldnt do it with him , i was sooo anxious and stressed out . my young one went to sleep after i read him a book . after he fell asleep , i noticed my hands were shaking.

so anyway later tonight my son went to his room , and he is punching walls and the bed frame . i went over and calmly said what is going on ? he said to me through the door .. "HA HA HAHA HA HA!! " ... my hands are shaking and i am thinking about my young one and how absolutely out of control this whole thing feels . i still feel shaky cause i wonder if he will punch the walls again tonight . this always happens , he has a bad day at school then he comes home and goes insane. once every month or every few months but i have absolutely had enough . He thinks he doesnt want to live with us for 4-6 more years! please ! who can live with this behavior he puts out. i was a teenager once, so were many of the friends I have known and we werent all the best kids , but this behavior is really off the wall . the things i am writing here is only some of all he does.. like i said you have to be here to witness this ,i swear no one in my entire life has pushed me as far as my teen has pushed me . If he wants to move out I am not going to stop him at 18 . and if he acts like this after 18 I will let him know that he needs to leave.

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I have a 15 year old and an 11 year old. Neither one of them is currently speaking to me as a result of the ongoing divorce situation. When I was home, I took their love for granted.

 

Now I miss them both terribly. I think you will miss your son more than you realize, once he moves out.

 

I sooo truly wish that I would miss him , i dont feel any Love from my teen honestly . he always points out how i am "usefull" for him and that's it. sigh~ I hope that one day I can say I am proud of my son and I miss him .,right now , I just dont feel it. many people have told me that , they told me that this will pass and i will laugh all about it one day .. i just cant see this situation ever beeing a funny thing ever. sometimes I feel like I am just going to have a heart attack and drop dead from the anxiety.

 

I know what you mean though I am sure your kids dont act like my teenager. on the "good" days . i wonder how i will miss him , but days like today .. i just feel nothing even close to that :( . it is sad .

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You need a little help. Your emotional engine is revving way too high. You are suffering from anxiety, and it's really not all the kids fault. Please see a doctor. The proper prescription will probaly make you feel much better. There's no need to live at that kind of stress level. You're getting overly angry at things that don't make others bat an eyelash. At 17, he's almost ready to run his own life and you have to start allowing him to practice that. Does he have a job? A girlfriend? If not, he needs one of each. Does he have a car? Ditto! I'd also say he needs to be involved in some activities as well, but at 17, it's time for a part-time job. If he's not drinking, doing drugs, or getting into trouble, and he's getting good grades, you should probably let him off the chain a bit. Keeping him in his room after ten every night seems a little wierd as well. You should be comfortable spending time in his company, talking to him.

 

Kobe, I agree with Kenyth. If you're having this much trouble, then it's definitely time to get treatment for your anxiety.

 

Boys at that age have an abundance of testosterone and an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex of the brain. In my experience, it's not unusual for them to have difficulty applying good judgment when they've become emotionally stimulated.

 

I've seen nothing in your posts to convince me that this kid isn't normal. And if that's the case, then the problem in your parenting relationship is stemming from you. For both your sakes, don't you think you should rule that out?

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I've seen nothing in your posts to convince me that this kid isn't normal. And if that's the case, then the problem in your parenting relationship is stemming from you. For both your sakes, don't you think you should rule that out?

 

I don't know LJ, punching walls is not normal behavior at 17, or it wasn't in my house. Kobegirl's son know that there are downstairs neighbors so his actions are disruptive for them as well as his family.

 

Kobegirl who is fixing the walls? Your son? My situation was a little different than yours....my kids did sports so a lot of their attitude was run off so to speak. They were tired at night! It was my daughter's mouth and missing curfew that was my problem. :)

 

Has your son always been this unhappy or is this something new? Is something going on at school? What is his friend situation---trouble with a girlfriend? Is he finally rebelling because of the strictness of the household?

 

Why doesn't he have a part time job? Does he have access to the family car?

 

I think LJ makes a valid point when she says "Boys at that age have an abundance of testosterone and an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex of the brain. In my experience, it's not unusual for them to have difficulty applying good judgment when they've become emotionally stimulated." So the question is how do you funnel this into positive behavior?

 

Kobegirl--know that you are not alone....we all go through this and get through this. The kids grow up and become great adults and we wonder what all the fuss was about.

 

Maybe you should talk to your doctor because stress is cumulative...I wonder what your blood pressure is? Walking really helped me (power walking) and it released endorphins which made me feel in a better mood.

 

Keep your chin up!!!!!

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I don't know LJ, punching walls is not normal behavior at 17, or it wasn't in my house. Kobegirl's son know that there are downstairs neighbors so his actions are disruptive for them as well as his family.

 

Kobegirl who is fixing the walls? Your son?

 

Some kids don't deal well with frustration. Mine was that way from BIRTH! :eek:

Even as an infant, he became overloaded when presented with new challenges. When you introduce all that testosterone on top of a limited ability to deal well with frustration and top it off with immature judgment... it becomes a recipe for busted walls.

 

And yes... mine has to fix his own. :laugh:

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Some kids don't deal well with frustration. Mine was that way from BIRTH! :eek:

Even as an infant, he became overloaded when presented with new challenges. When you introduce all that testosterone on top of a limited ability to deal well with frustration and top it off with immature judgment... it becomes a recipe for busted walls.

 

And yes... mine has to fix his own. :laugh:

 

LJ how did your funnel your sons frustration and immature judgment into positive actions? Did he outgrow this behavior?

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Most teens start acting out at 14, 15 or 16 and progressively start testing the boundaries from there. And they can be relentless in their assault in hopes of eventually wearing you down and busting through those invisible “prison walls” they feel you’ve confined them in. Don’t know when this all started for you ... but if your son waited until seventeen before starting to “act out,” you’ve certainly been spared a few years of absolute torture. One the flip side of that coin, the delay may mean he’ll still be working through his adolescent defiant stage well into his first few years of college while most of the young adults his age have started to level out.

 

It is so hard to give someone the proper advice on how to best handle their particular situation without intimately knowing the family dynamics or history. The personalities and coping strategies of all involved; which hidden stressors are most likely triggering your son; the discipline structor that has already been set into place; as well as what else may be going on in his life that you may or may not be aware of.

 

I think if it reaches a point where you are about to have a total meltdown, then you need to reach out and get some support, advice and guidance via family counseling. Someone who can take the time to sit down with all of you as individuals and sort through all the underlying issues.

 

I know ... sometimes it seems like a cop-out when your looking for immediate help and someone simply suggests a councilor. But sometimes it IS the very best advice you can offer someone. And I’m sure glad I took that same advice when someone gave it to me. ;)

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LJ how did your funnel your sons frustration and immature judgment into positive actions? Did he outgrow this behavior?

 

We talk and talk and talk. But not until AFTER he's calmed down. You can't reason with unreasonable people, and this kind of behavior, IMO, isn't much different than the tantrums little kids are prone to have. I pull him over and give him some time to compose himself just like I would have when he was a little guy. Occasionally, if I see an opening, I'll even distract him from the tantrum. Then, when the heat of it has past... I let him talk it out.

 

He has consequences to deal with when he's pushed it too far, but he KNOWS that I'm always on his side. I'll fight anybody over him... even HIM when it comes to it. And I've told him often enough that everything I do is in his best interests, so I can't afford to lose. Because if I lose, ultimately he loses.

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...they can be relentless in their assault in hopes of eventually wearing you down and busting through those invisible “prison walls” they feel you’ve confined them in.

 

I read somewhere that this is how teens begin emotionally separating from their parents. I think there's alot of merit to that.

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I read somewhere that this is how teens begin emotionally separating from their parents. I think there's alot of merit to that.

 

Invasion of the Pod People! :laugh:

 

Honestly, it wasn’t even a gradual transition for us. It’s like my daughter went to bed one night after her fifteenth birthday ... stepped out of her body and Sybil took up residence.

 

Of course, teaching her how to patch the holes in the walls as she made them has certainly come in handy. Seven years later, she’s doing a fearless job in taking on the renovations of her new condo.

 

My pride and love in the courageous young woman she’s becoming is BIG! :love:

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My pride and love in the courageous young woman she’s becoming is BIG! :love:

 

Yep--the things that drove me crazy about my daughter when she was younger (tough, independent, stubborn) are the very things that have made her so successful in her life now.

 

I not only feel pride and love, but blessed that it all came out okay--it could have easily gone the other way!

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I guess I am seeing this from a different perspective because I was a teenager not too long ago. It sounds like your son is just really frustrated about where his life is going but feels like he can't talk to you.

 

Did you recently move into this small apartment? Maybe your son is having trouble transitioning from a spacious house to such a small space.

 

You sound a lot like my parents were back when I was in high school. Sometimes I just felt really frustrated and sick of school and bitter about my parents expectations that I would go to college. It sounds like your son is just trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life and challenging your expectations.

 

Next time he says he is sick of everything, maybe instead of telling him it would be easier to just stay in the situation that he is in (i.e. stay here and go to college) ask him what he wants to do. Maybe if he feels he is being listenend to in a non-judgemental way he will express himself through talking instead of through punching walls.

 

Your comment about how he points out that you are only "useful" really hit home because I felt exactly the same about my parents. The problem was that they never made me feel like i had anything to contribute. I didn't have any chores either, no responsibilities but homework and getting into college. When my parents were having troubles with something, like finances or health, I just plain didn't care.To me it seemed like we just had a contract: I do what I am supposed to do and they support me. When I met my now husband-to-be he commented about how cold me and my parents realtionship seemed. but I just didn't know how to express myself emotionally in front of my parents so I too would resort to going for very long walks and crying. I just felt like even if I tried to explain to them what I was feeling they would just tell me I don't know what real problems are and to go do my homework.

 

Anyways, what I am trying to get at here is that your son probably doesn't feel like you love him, he just feels you are there to provide him with the materials goods. I know you said you tell him you love him but do you show it? Do you try to do stuff with just you and him, or actually take his problems seriously when he talks to you? Do you talk to him about whats going on in your life? If he feels like he is nothing but a product you are pushing trhough to the finish line of adulthood, he'll treat like nothing but his manufacturer.In order to respect you he needs to feel like he is part of a family unit where everyone supports him, if not then why would he care at all about his family?

 

Also, I would give him some chores that he has to do around the hosue. It will make him feel like he has some kind of responsibility to the family.

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Citizen Erased

Okay wow. All in all I would have to say you expect for your son to act like an adult when he so clearly isn't. He is a horny frustrated annoying teenager who is cooped up in an apartment with his parents, made to go to his room after 10 because you don't want to be around him (I don't care what you say, I am only 20, I remember what it is like. He is thinking you don't want him around, so it just adds to his bad opinion about you.) I can understand your reasons, but he will be taking it as him being shut out of his family, that he is isolated from both of you, even if that isn't your intention.

 

Parents and teenagers very rarely get along. You all have problems from other parts of your life, then bring them home and take it out on each other. Other then the fact that you can't control your emotions and take everything personally when you shouldn't, I am failing to see anything different from most people. He punches the wall because he is frustrated and feels boxed in, living in an apartment where no-one has their own space besides their room does not help.

 

I am so sorry if I am too blunt, I am sure that you have been a great mother and hopefully you can put this past you so you have a great relationship in the future. Be comforted that it will not last, he will grow up, leave home, have a career and have a family of his own. Then you can sit back and enjoy whilst his kids drive him crazy ;)

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