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Am I a bad daughter?


coco_milkshake

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coco_milkshake

I was up most of the night thinking about this. From day one I have done what my parents, particularly what my mum wanted me to do, even if I strongly disagreed with it.

 

I dressed in a way so that my legs wont be revealed, not worn a skirt since primary school. I wear t-shirts with sleeves cos they dont like it otherwise - Ive only recently started wearing sleeveless Indian outfits now and they dont mind. They dont like it when I get my hair cut and if I do then it has to be a trim where less than an inch has to get taken off plus I have to ask permission from them to get it done. Ive stopped asking now and mum decides when I need a hair cut. One time I got my hair cut upto my shoulders without mum knowing and she reduced me to tears saying that I look ugly and that as long as I live under her roof she decides how short it will be - I was 20 at that time.

 

Since as far as I can remember, I wasnt allowed to have friends. I didnt go out with friends after school as I wasnt allowed. I would come home and I couldnt even fit in with my sisters cos of the massive age gap. I felt so lonely. Mum didnt like me having White friends. All it has been for me is home to school then school to home. Now its home to uni then uni to home. Never been to a concert, barely allowed to go to the cinema. It just hurts a lot.

 

Fast forward to recently, one time I go against them...one time and Im being brutally punished. Ive been compared to the devil, Ive been told hell wont accept me, mum cursed me by saying my children will never keep me happy - all for having a boyfriend.

 

Well their plan has succeeded. I am living in fear and I have stopped being the person that I want to be and becoming the person I was before - doing what they want under protest. My relationship with mum has got worse. I cant even look at her without getting angry. I believe in karma though, I never used to. That time mum called me a bitch just for not drying the dishes, she got severe cramp in her bad leg not long after that and she pissed herself cos she couldnt get to the bathroom on time. I felt no sympathy for her.

 

I sometimes question why I am so different. I get mad at myself for being different, I start to think something is wrong with me cos I am so distanced from them and despite being with them Im not. I feel alone and that no one understands me. I cant be myself at all cos it gets oppressed with fear tactics and emotional blackmail.

 

Am I a bad daughter for thinking badly of my mum?

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coco_milkshake

And Ive just noticed I put this under the wrong forum - idiot!!!

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Coco, I will never, ever be able to understand why Indian parents treat their own children in this manner. To me this is oppression and abuse. :mad: And to do this to your own children? WFT is that? I understand it's simply a cultural difference. But to me it seems such a cruel one.

 

As to why you are so different? Well I'm not sure how many generations of your family have lived in Scotland. But it's certain that you are experiencing the same thing many other Indian children living in many countries are. You have been bought up in a country where we encourage free will. Where we are able to dress as we wish, have our hair how we wish, have friends, boyfriends and all the normal things we have. You have been bought up seeing these things in the country you live in, but are unable to have them because of your parents beliefs. That's enough to make anyone miserable. You see a life you want to live, that you are led to believe you should be able to live. But your culture says otherwise.

 

Your culture imposes rules which don't allow you to flushish in the way you want to.

 

Your parents are probably only following what was imposed on them and taught to them. But as I understand it, many of their generation refuse to open their minds and allow their children to enjoy all the aspects of life today.

 

You are not wrong for thinking badly of your mother. Although I understand the difference in culture, I still find it hard not to say I see this treatement as wrong. But it's not wrong to them. :( For them it's the correct and best thing to do. Perhaps you have to forgive them for that.

 

You only have two choices though. Stay and deal with it, or leave and be disowned (which is what I imagine will happen). Unfortunately for many Indian children these are the options they are left with. Sad, but true.

 

My heart honestly goes out to you. Who wants to let down their parents? We want them to be proud of us. But we want them to be proud of the person we chose to be, not the person they force us to be. For you it seems that choice does not exist.

 

It's a difficult and emotive subject.

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no, you're not bad for having those feelings, just human. Instinctually you understand good behavior from bad, and your anger or pain or hurt is a very natural response to her treatment of you.

 

I'm getting to thinking that every culture has it's thoughts on what a good child is supposed to do (mine was marry right after high school and start spitting out babies, though finishing high school wasn't necessarily encouraged!), but there comes a time where a person must act on his or her own decision of how to live, even if it goes against the wishes of that person's parents. In a loving relationship, families (or friends) will support you in your decisions because of that love, even if they know you'll meet with problem or that it causes them hurt. Inversely, in an unhealthy relationship, it's less about you than it is about the other person's power over you.

 

somehow, I get the impression that your folks, because of cultural practice, feel that parenting is to exert power over you, rather than empowering you to be the best that you can be ... this isn't meant to be an indictment, but encourage you as you struggle to become your own person. That's not to say they don't love you, but are maybe caught up in the idea (or even misunderstand) what it is to parent in your particular culture.

 

other thought is that when someone is causing physical, mental or emotional pain, your natural response is to flee. I don't think that just because it's family you are supposed to love means that you should subject yourself to their mistreatment. Stepping up for yourself might bring more hurt from them, but think of it this way: You are the only person who has a vested interest in your well-being, and you are not in the wrong for wanting to ensure that you're healthy mentally as well as physically. If that means lessening the hold of certain relationships or living a certain way to ensure good mental health ... sometimes you've just gotta do what you've got to do, regardless of what someone says. You might not be a good daughter in your mother's eyes for doing so, but neither will you be controlled in a manner that is unhealthy for both of you.

 

you haven't said, but do you have any kind of resource or support while you're going through all of this?

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coco_milkshake

I am thinking about calling the SWA again and giving them the green light to go ahead with searching for accomodation for me and I am currently seeing my university counsellor. Its cos of him I am stll sane otherwise I wouldve honestly committed suicide.

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Hi Coco,

 

Your question is a difficult one to answer. From a western point of view, you are certainly not a bad daughter. But your parents will think otherwise if you disobey them.

 

I think of things this way: Your parents chose to live in Scotland and chose to raise you in a western culture. Because of their choice, you were raised in a culture that greatly conflicts with your parents culture in many ways. Had you been raised in India, I doubt you would question your parents at all. If they can't see this, then they are blind. They are wrong to think they could raise you in Scotland and for you to be 100% Indian culturally.

 

I have the same issue with my husband's parents. They are not American and they think that they have the right to impose all of their cultural ideas, values, food, music, etc on me and my family. I am not saying (and I certainly don't think!) that American culture is better than other cultures. BUT when they made the choice to live in the USA they lost their right to expect that their son and his wife would have all the same values and ideas they have. His parents have driven us apart in many ways because of their unreasonable expectations. And my husband has done the rest on his own (as you know already from reading my posts).

 

Have you tried writing your parents a letter about your feelings? Perhaps when you choose to leave (it sounds like that's what you're going to do), you can leave them a letter explaining that you love them and want to be a part of their life, that you're torn, that you grew up in a western culture and have western values. Tell them that you are an adult now and that you want to make your own decisions about who you marry, who your friends are, etc. Tell them that you would like for them to be a part of your life when you're ready and that you will send them your contact information in the future. Tell them you love them and will miss them. Don't give them your new address. When you feel whole again, you can send them a letter with an email address they can contact you at if they want. If they don't understand your needs or don't contact you, then that is their loss. You will have a difficult time letting go of your family, but at least if you tell them how you feel you will know that you tried to have the life you deserve and hold onto them at the same time.

 

Their are many Indian kids in your exact position. I think finding some of them could help you a lot. You need all the support you can get right now.

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coco_milkshake

I know that there are many in my position, its just a case of meeting some lol. I am proud to be Scottish and I can relate myself more with the Western culture. I believe in freedom and equality whereas I have been born into a culture where the males are favoured and freedom for females are limited.

 

It drives me mental when mum says I am trying to act White - Im not. Im trying to be me.

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I can understand how parents want their children to retain their cultural/ethnic or religious values, but it's pretty hard when they expect their kids to make their way in a world that doesn't reflect those exact same values. Here, we see it in those Mexican families who arrive in East Texas to work and provide their kids a good education, but have problems when their kids feel like they're made to pick between their parents' world and the one they have to function in, that has its own unique values.

 

somewhere in between, there must be a happy meeting ground if you don't want to make your kids run screaming from your values or traditions, and that means giving them breathing space to decide for themselves what they will practice. Even if it's a hodgepodge of things from both worlds.

 

as cold as moongirl's advice may sound, it might be the only way to avoid becoming someone you don't want to be or even losing your true identity. It's not wanting to be "white" when you seek to incorporate those other values into your way of life, but rather balance of those influences that shape your life.

 

if your parents honestly expected their children to retain their values and ways, they prolly shouldn't have moved from their homeland, because they are the ones responsible for introducing foreign traditions and values to you kids ...

 

just my two cents.

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Am I a bad daughter for thinking badly of my mum?

 

No you are not.

 

The things that you went through and are still going through now are uncalled for.

 

Regardless of what culture you come from, no one should be treated like that.

 

I hope that you find the courage to leave this horrible situation, learn from it, and get the life that you deserve. There is so much this world can offer and being treated the way you are is not one of them.

 

I'm glad your talking to people about this and have found support to help you out of this situation.

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Coco,

I don't know everything about your situation, but I do know that your mother is very controlling, verbally abusive, and often violent. I know that living with her (or maybe it's the whole family/culture, I'm not sure) brings you such pain that you have suicidal thoughts very often.

 

I don't have the answers as to how to do it, but you are of legal age and can leave your situation. It would not be easy, no, but it may just be necessary to bring you some sort of relief and happiness to your life. If you were in the US I could name countless resources to help you get out of this situation. I hope you can find the assistance you need so that you may one day be able to wear what you want, style your hair as you please, and have your boyfriend and all the pleasures of a loving relationship. Godspeed.

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